Pulling the trigger?

[submwmhole]

I'm a 46 yo mwm. I've had a bondage/domination fantasy since I was about 20. I consider myself straight, in that I have no attraction to men per se, but more the lack of control. I would also be into a fem domme situation, but a guy seems like the bigger submission to me.

My big issue is working up the will to go through with it, even when I was single. PNC and all. The cheating aspect is another roadblock. My wife is very vanilla and would NOT be open.

Even being here...bareback isn't even important, compared to not having control over that. 

What are your thoughts on working up the will to pull the trigger? Do I sound too conflicted? 

Tia

[ridedenver]

On 1/4/2026 at 10:35 PM, submwmhole said:

I'm a 46 yo mwm. I've had a bondage/domination fantasy since I was about 20. I consider myself straight, in that I have no attraction to men per se, but more the lack of control. I would also be into a fem domme situation, but a guy seems like the bigger submission to me.

My big issue is working up the will to go through with it, even when I was single. PNC and all. The cheating aspect is another roadblock. My wife is very vanilla and would NOT be open.

Even being here...bareback isn't even important, compared to not having control over that. 

What are your thoughts on working up the will to pull the trigger? Do I sound too conflicted? 

Tia

It sounds like most married guys, you have urges but the social repercussions keep you out of that realm (so conflicted is a good way to put it). What helped me is finding someone that seemed like they wanted to help me, then having a few drinks to finally get me going enough to get into M on M. I'm more of a top, so it was getting a little tipsy and then having them start by sucking me. Which eventually led to me loving fucking guys (when I finally realized it was as good as I thought it would be). Part of the turn on was also the [banned word] of it (being  married). 

So full on submission may be tough to start with, unless you drink and take poppers, but finding someone that you know is bi/gay and hanging out, drinking or smoking or poppers (what ever you choice) to loosen yourself up, then just kneel in front of him. Just a thought 

[PozToxVersPig]

3 minutes ago, ridedenver said:

Which eventually led to me loving fucking guys (when I finally realized it was as good as I thought it would be). Part of the turn on was also the [banned word] of it (being  married). 

So full on submission may be tough to start with, unless you drink and take poppers, but finding someone that you know is bi/gay and hanging out, drinking or smoking or poppers (what ever you choice) to loosen yourself up, then just kneel in front of him. Just a thought 

I think this is really well said @ridedenver (hi, also in Denver) - glad you topping turned out to be as good as you expected.  I'm happy to continue showing you how good it can be! 🙂
 
@submwmhole - I'll simply say this - I've recently written a blog series about an experience I had at the age of 31 which had me playing a very Submissive role for 3 Doms for an extended period of time (6 days).  This wasn't the first experience Sub'ing but definitely the most significant ever and since.  And I was 16+ years into my gay sexual experience as a person who was significantly above average in terms of sex.  

As Ride says, you're making a big jump just going straight into a full experience, but that is one way some people break the ice.  You can also dip your toe in a little more gradually, like Ride suggests but it might be better just to rip the Band-Aid.  Whichever way you do this, I think you need to find someone who will have an honest conversation with you about your limits.  BDSM, even in its most aggressive forms, still has tenets of limits, communication, trust, and safety.  So you may not have a limit around barebacking - but your dom needs to know that.  And you need to push yourself and recognize the impact of using your safeword to tap out. 

I'd suggest started making your limit list.  I use this format to help my thinking:

1. LIKES / PREFERENCES (not in priority order)
2. DISLIKES / DON’T PREFER (willing if you really want it)
3. NON-NEGOTIABLE NO’S (absolutely unwilling to do, no discussion)

I'm happy to share mine with you via DM if you're interested.  Even in a situation where you give up full control, there can still be limits.  Knowing your Dom understands those, is committed to your physical safety, you having food drink and water and bathroom, etc. will allow you to relinquish control without worrying things will get out of hand.

You face additional challenges which could become limits - if you need to hide this from your wife - then you'll need to make sure that your Dom knows that you can't be gone for X days or whatever.  And also at the end of the day, you have to be okay with having this hidden from your wife.  I think it's great you're exploring this and I think many more "straight" men should allow themselves the latitude to explore things they are interested but considered not okay for them to explore.