Path of Destruction

[dirtywriter]

You. I know you. You keep up a straight facade in the real world, and at times, you still try convincing yourself you're bisexual. Yet you know as well as I do, it's been a little too long since you came to straight porn. To women. There's just something about watching men together that you can't get away from. Something pure, something primal.

Let me tell you how this will all play out. I can see your future, read your palms. Your life is already decided, a path carved into bone since the day you were born.

At some point, you'll stumbled across poz porn. For weeks and weeks, it's all you can watch. You'll feel that itch again and again, and shift into your normal routine. You close your blinds. You drop your pants. You browse for a second, but you already know which one you want to watch. 

You click on a favorite you've saved, and lick your lips as it starts playing. You see the bottom get on his knees and pull down the pants of another man. A stranger. They're in-between two beds in a sleazy motel room. Your ears perk up, listening to the poz talk. The top asking some seemingly innocent questions, like what is he is doing here. Innocent until the bottom pauses his blowjob to look up, directly into his top's eyes, and tell him, he wants his poz seed. 

Just hearing that initial exchange gets you harder than anything you've ever heard before. They move positions to the bed. You stroke and stroke, picking up momentum while watching the top devour the bottom's neg hole. The bottom moaning in pleasure, on his back, holding his legs up. Holding his hole open. So fucking open.

So fucking vulnerable.

You fixate on the top's cock as he presses the head in, and asks a final question, "my viral load is over a million, you sure you want it?" The bottom, hesitates for a split second, before responding "Oh fuck, yes, oh fuck, yes please, I want your poz seed in me."

You cover yourself in your own fluids right as the top unloads his toxic gift inside. 

You feel confused in your post nut clarity, still not 100% believing another man would willingly accept a gift like that. Not even accepting it; but craving it, begging for it. That's crazy, you think - but couldn't be me. 

I would never. 

You lie to yourself, because you just don't know it yet. The realization hasn't dawned on you, but you've already fallen down the rabbit hole. You just haven't hit the bottom yet. You think you can resist, turn around, change direction. 

But there is no way to return. 

You close the browser and clean up. And you carry on pretending. Carry on your facade. Until the next time. Until the next itch. 

And the next.

Over time, your perspective shifts. What you consume, consumes you. You decide, I think it's time for a break from PrEP. But I'll just play safe. So you have some fun with neg tops only. Or with condoms. But the more porn you watch, the more begging you listen to, the more you crave it. The more you fantasize about being the bottom. The more you imagine yourself, on your knees, asking for it directly. Locking eyes before unburdening yourself. The more risk involved, the more of a turn on it is. 

Fantasy is slipping into reality. It slowly begins to be not enough to satiate you fully. You start getting riskier and riskier. A top hits you up on a hookup app, his profile displays key words like condoms or PrEP, things you used to look for, have now become a negative. He's hot for sure, but you're just simply no longer interested. You close their profile. You'll scour profiles over and over, looking for that key word you subconsciously know you want.

"Positive."

You'll hover over the send message button, but ultimately you can't control yourself. All it takes, is just the thought of sending him a message. It's enough to send ropes of cum blasting over you.

It's enough - for now. 

You close the browser. Clean up. The cycle ends and begins again. 

Your consumption brings you to the world of Chemsex videos, and a new fixation begins. Even more Primal. Raw. Insatiable. Piggy.

Free.

You watch their inhibitions melt completely away with each click of the torch. Watching that switch flip in real time. You think, before he takes that first inhale, I could see this guy being a family man. Right before his true self is unleashed. Right before his facade fades out.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, a light bulb goes off in your head that you can't turn off. Outside of just a normal, growing desire to try it and experience how good it feels, you start to think, this... This is exactly what I need. My inhibitions are the only thing preventing me from what I want. 

So, you decide, you need your inhibitions gone. 

After some positive reinforcement of orgasm after orgasm, watching men melt away into pigs, you decide, I need to try this. Today. You log into the usual sites, and thanks to all the videos you've watched, you start noticing keywords in profiles that indicate partying. You learn what to look for, and eventually, it happens. You found it. You found someone who has some favors to share.

That first inhale is pure bliss. Over time, trying it over and over, you can't believe the heights of pleasure it has taken you to. Yet there's still a part of you that is clinging desperately, logically, holding you back. You don't know how to say openly, "I want your poz seed in me." You're still afraid. Afraid of being completely honest and open with another, despite how many clouds you exhale. But it's it's still working in the background, unnoticed, eroding your inhibitions from the inside. 

So you'll party for a little while, then decide to take a break. That stubborn part of you, will pull yourself up from the ledge you were hanging from. The ledge you desperately crave to go over. Not this time, you think. But deep down, you know you're only delaying the inevitable. Each and every inhale and exhale, you feel that grip slipping, just a little bit more. 

Horny and in heat, you've let that itch go too long without a scratch. You find yourself browsing sites on a normal, boring Tuesday night. Not your normal routine, but you need it tonight. You hit up the sites again, when you stumble on his profile again. That one. The one you've checked out before and fantasized about, but could never muster the courage to message.

He messages you instead. 

He is free right now, and looking. He can't be real. This can't be real. But you'll continue replying to his messages eagerly. There is a shift inside. You can't stop yourself from replying back to him. You think, we're just chatting, no harm done. Yet there is something about him that has you desperate to finally give in. To let your desire take the wheel, and steer the car fully. He wants to party, and you reply, I do too. He wants to free you of your inhibitions. You reply, I want them destroyed. He tells you, he can certainly get you to that point. Your mind races at the thought, wondering if he is as open minded like you are. Like to want to be. But you know the answer already. 

The moment comes when you decide, I need to know. You hit send on the most important message. The most honest message you've ever sent to someone. You lay your desires out fully. You let your guard down completely. 

You wait patiently for his reply. You refresh the page a few times, and then you see it in your inbox. 

You read his reply. 

For the first time ever in your life, someone sees you. he sees you. The real you. 

You think, it's finally happening. This is crazy. Am I crazy? Your mind races off on what if's, but your desire shifts the goalposts. Starts prying your logical fingers clinging to the ledge, one by one. You tell yourself, it's okay if I convert, because the worry will come later. Being poz today, tomorrow, the next week, does not matter in the grand scheme of things. You think, it isn't logical though. I shouldn't. But I want to. Should I? 

As your mind circles the drain, two sides of you fight for control. logic and desire, order and chaos. Desire inevitably wins, your logic has been eroded out, a frail shell of what it once was. Desire begins prying that final finger off the ledge, and you freefall.

You think, No. Fuck that.

It doesn't have to make sense. It's okay if I convert, because, and only because, I want this. I need this. You let go of worrying about your future. About your work. About what your friends and family will think. Your mind clears. You want to live in the moment. You want to be unburdened by your inhibitions. You want freedom from the lies you tell. 

You remove the shackles from your wrists completely.

You reply.

I'm ready.