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About this blog

Every day, I write a letter to my younger self—exactly one year ago. Think of it as creative journaling through time. These entries aren’t about predicting the future, but about offering hindsight, tenderness, and hard-won truths to the version of me who’s still figuring it all out. It’s a way of documenting growth, unpacking memory, and equipping my past self with the tools I wish I had at the time. This space is mostly for me, a mirror across time—but if you find something here that speaks to you, you’re welcome to sit with it too.

Entries in this blog

Everything

Tuesday 2nd September, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve got a lot on my mind tonight, so I'll unpack it one by one. I'm going to be real with you, because you deserve honesty. I don't think I'm in a great place mentally right now. Life on the surface looks fine—work, gym, piano, singing, walking, journaling. Everything is steady. But it all feels stale. And lately, I've been turning toward erotic asphyxiation to feel some intensity. It got to the point where I was hanging a rope from the shower beam, k
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 31th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve been feeling quite restless lately. There’s this quiet sense that I’m losing direction in life. Everything is calm and steady—my job, my gym routine, piano, and singing. It’s all very routine-based, which is good… but also a bit dull. Nothing feels particularly exciting.   I’ve noticed the restlessness showing up in strange ways. Like, this weekend I spent most of it just watching porn and jerking off—even though I wasn’t even hard. I also caught mysel
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Wednesday 27th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   It’s been a while since I’ve shared something heavy with you, but today I want to. This one’s about autoerotic asphyxiation—breath play. I started getting into it a couple of months ago, drawn in by videos of hot guys blacking out from sleeper holds. Johnny even tried it on me a couple of times, and I loved the sensation of waking up. It felt a bit like poppers, but dialed up to eleven.   When I tried it alone with a belt, though, it left me with chest pain
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 26th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve been slack with sending you messages lately. Life has been busy, but I know that’s no excuse. So here I am, in the locker room at work—my little confessional booth—taking a moment to get some of these thoughts out.   Today, I want to talk about Suf. We’re still sending daily voice memos, though he’s missed a day or two when he’s been busy. The rhythm between us feels like it’s shifting—it’s slower now, and I catch myself hesitating before sharing the m
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 12th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   My messages to you have been rather sporadic lately, and I’m trying to get back into the discipline of sending them daily. I had a singing lesson today, and it went pretty well. One of my piano coaches taught me to smile and laugh whenever I make mistakes—as a way of showing compassion and kindness to myself—and I carried that into my singing. Each time I slipped up today, I just smiled and laughed, and my teacher smiled along with me. It made everything so much ligh
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 10th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I spent the whole day today hanging out with Jordan. He’s recently gotten into aquariums and wanted me to go with him to a few around our area to look for driftwood, soil, and rocks so he could work on some aquascaping. Jordan’s someone I’ve wanted to hang out with for a while now, but the opportunity never came up—until today. I’m really glad it did, because I’ve learned that he often feels lonely at home. No one there really cares about his interests; they think it
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 8th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve been speaking to this guy named Brian. We chatted a bit last night, and it went… okay. He asked quite a few questions and mentioned that he’s more of a night person—he usually messages in the evenings because he doesn’t text much while he’s at work. But for some reason, this morning he started chatting with me, which caught me by surprise. We ended up having a long back-and-forth conversation throughout the whole day, even while he was at work.   He’s
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Wednesday 6th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I had another piano lesson today, and it was much better than last time. I think the difference was that this time, I came in knowing what I wanted out of the session. Before now, I always thought piano was just about learning songs from sheet music—sit down, master one piece, then move on to the next. That’s how last week’s lesson felt. But after diving into music theory, I’ve realized there’s so much more to it. Music can follow a structure, yes, but within that st
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 5th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I had another singing lesson with Elissa today, and I thought she would be really impressed with my newfound interest in music theory. Instead, I think she felt a little overwhelmed on my behalf (even though I don’t feel overwhelmed at all). If I could read her mind, I bet she was thinking, “Woah, let’s slow it down a notch or two.” I know people often do that out of care and kindness, especially if they don’t know us very well. But when we dive into something, we re
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 4th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I was doing some pointless scrolling on YouTube the other day when it suggested a channel called Pianote. It’s run by this lovely lady named Lisa who teaches piano from beginner to advanced. I watched a couple of her videos and I really like the way she explains things. Combined with the music theory I’ve been learning, her lessons reinforced a lot of what I’ve read about but hadn’t necessarily put into practice yet. She has such a calm, nurturing energy—and she’s fu
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 3rd August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   This weekend has been pretty good. It’s probably the first weekend in a long while where I basically did nothing—no running around socializing, no endless errands. Just a slow, quiet couple of days. I did get my monthly haircut though, and went straight home afterwards for a nap.   As usual, I squeezed in some piano and singing practice. Work gave us a beanie recently, and I usually wear it on my walks since it’s always under 10°C. But today I skipped my sh
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 2nd August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’m finding it really difficult to take some time off from the gym. Recently, I woke up with a massive headache, and I think it’s because I’ve just been go, go, go these last couple of weeks—piling on so many new things like singing, piano, and now music theory. It feels like everything is starting to catch up with me. My right shoulder has also been acting up, tense and sore. So I decided to give myself the weekend off from the gym, sleep in, relax, and just do a lo
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Thursday 31th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’m diving into the deep sea now when it comes to music—music theory. The best way I can describe it is that music theory is like a grammar book for music: it teaches you how it should be played to sound beautiful, and the rules that govern what works and what doesn’t. But like all good grammar books, once you understand the basics, you’re free to break as many rules as you like to create magic.   I’m starting to understand the rules that make music what it
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Wednesday 30th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Let me tell you a story. I had my second piano lesson today with Max, and I think I made a mistake by telling him I’d been practicing at home and showing him my progress. Right after that, he said, “Okay, I want you to play this piece,” and of course, I tensed up and couldn’t play it properly. We kept at it for a while, and once he thought I got the gist, we moved on to the next song. But in the end, the whole lesson felt like me just practicing something I could’ve
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 29th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I want to talk about Jan today. We’ve decided to have our first meet-up this Friday night. I’m hesitant to call it a date, even though technically it is. When he told me he was free and asked if I wanted to do something, I noticed I didn’t immediately get excited or jump at the opportunity. Instead, I found myself wondering if I even wanted to go at all.   The reason is that our conversations through text have felt pretty lukewarm. They don’t really go anyw
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 28th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve decided to let go of singing for now, and I want to walk you through my reasoning. The original goal for singing was never really about gaining the confidence to pick up a microphone and perform—I already had that. The real issue was the uncertainty. I wasn’t sure about the technical side of singing, and I kept questioning myself: was I singing the song correctly? Would people judge me if I wasn’t? Most of it was probably just in my head, but I wanted to learn s
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 27th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Today was the last time I’ll see Phil for a very long while, and I want to talk about it.   He had originally planned to move to Sydney in October, but his agent recently found him a place—and the lease starts immediately. If he waited until October, he’d still have to pay rent on it for the next three months. So, he made the decision to leave in ten days, right on his birthday, too.   That means tonight was our last time seeing each other.  
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 25th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   A couple of things on my mind tonight.   Firstly, I was talking to Suf about my cruising tendencies. He hasn’t really explored that world yet, aside from one experience in a dark room in Amsterdam. He said he’d like to learn more next time we meet—and I’m more than happy to share, hehe. He also mentioned that he’s going to Beefcake tonight, which is a sex event in the city. I was so intrigued I looked it up. It’s basically a DJ club night with go-go dancers
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Thursday 24th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’m still talking to this guy I recently met on Hinge—his name’s Jan—and I want to spend a bit of time reflecting on him today.   He’s 28, which is right on the borderline for the youngest age I’d consider dating. So far, our conversations have been pretty casual. We talk about music, movies, books, travel, cooking—simple things. I asked him if he ever reflects on his feelings or does any kind of introspection, and he said he only tends to do that during di
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Wednesday 23rd July, 2025

Hello beautiful bastard,   Today, I was so sure I was going to drop my piano lessons. I could feel my body burning out from juggling too many things at once. I’d already found a new piano teacher—his name is Max—and I’d paid for the lesson in advance, so I couldn’t cancel. I figured I’d just go and see how it went. You never know, right? If he was really good, maybe I’d stick with it.   And you know what? He was really good.   What I liked about him was how professi
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Tuesday 22nd July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I had my third singing lesson today, and it went really well. I still think Elissa, my vocal coach, is excellent at explaining concepts and taking things nice and slow to build my confidence—especially with pitch. She knows exactly where I’m going wrong and is able to correct things quickly before they spiral, which I really appreciate.   She’s been hinting that maybe doing both singing and piano at the same time might be a bit much—and honestly, I’ve been
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 21th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Two things I want to talk about tonight: dating and piano.   I’ve gone back into the red sea of dating. There’s a question I used to ask myself whenever I exited a relationship: “How do you know when you’re ready to date again?” It’s an interesting one because the answer is different for everyone. You kinda feel it in your bones. Back then, I used to think I was ready when I felt excited to meet new people again. And maybe that was true at the time. But I’v
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 20th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just waiting for dinner to cook, so I’m sending through a quick message. Suf came over today for lunch, and it was really nice. I’m glad we’ve been sending voice memos to each other over the past few days because his voice—and now his presence—felt familiar and comforting.   After lunch, we cuddled in bed. He’s a really good cuddler, much better than most guys I’ve met. He squeezes me tight, and I could feel a lot of warmth radiating between us—and I don’t
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 19th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just a quick message tonight, as it’s getting quite late and I’m pretty tired. Johnny and I spent the entire day playing Donkey Kong Bonanza on the Switch 2—about 12 hours in total. We originally planned to just follow the critical path (the main storyline), but it was so tempting to go off track and explore the side missions instead of doing what we were supposed to be doing.   When we realised we were only halfway through the game by the end of the sessio
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 18th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   A lot happened today, and it’s not that I don’t want to tell you all about it. It’s just that sometimes, I want the moment to settle into my bones for a little while—to let the experience wash over me, to ponder it quietly before sharing it, even with you. One day, I’ll tell you everything. And maybe by then, it’ll be better—because I’ll have processed it more fully and gained a clearer perspective.   Remember Johnny? One of our friends who’s in an open rel
Philip

Philip in Everything

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