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About this blog

Every day, I write a letter to my younger self—exactly one year ago. Think of it as creative journaling through time. These entries aren’t about predicting the future, but about offering hindsight, tenderness, and hard-won truths to the version of me who’s still figuring it all out. It’s a way of documenting growth, unpacking memory, and equipping my past self with the tools I wish I had at the time. This space is mostly for me, a mirror across time—but if you find something here that speaks to you, you’re welcome to sit with it too.

Entries in this blog

Everything

Sunday 27th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Today was the last time I’ll see Phil for a very long while, and I want to talk about it.   He had originally planned to move to Sydney in October, but his agent recently found him a place—and the lease starts immediately. If he waited until October, he’d still have to pay rent on it for the next three months. So, he made the decision to leave in ten days, right on his birthday, too.   That means tonight was our last time seeing each other.  
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 20th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just waiting for dinner to cook, so I’m sending through a quick message. Suf came over today for lunch, and it was really nice. I’m glad we’ve been sending voice memos to each other over the past few days because his voice—and now his presence—felt familiar and comforting.   After lunch, we cuddled in bed. He’s a really good cuddler, much better than most guys I’ve met. He squeezes me tight, and I could feel a lot of warmth radiating between us—and I don’t
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 13th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’m feeling a bit sad today. You know, sometimes I wonder how much about the future I should send to you—if you’ll become constantly anxious, waiting for my daily messages, not knowing what the future holds. I ask myself whether I should send you the bad news or let you experience things on your own. I mean, if I tell you everything that’s going to happen, is there any joy left in the unknown?   But then I think about when we read a book and a movie adaptat
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Sunday 10th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I spent the whole day today hanging out with Jordan. He’s recently gotten into aquariums and wanted me to go with him to a few around our area to look for driftwood, soil, and rocks so he could work on some aquascaping. Jordan’s someone I’ve wanted to hang out with for a while now, but the opportunity never came up—until today. I’m really glad it did, because I’ve learned that he often feels lonely at home. No one there really cares about his interests; they think it
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 5th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I went to Ikea today with Agia and it was okay. There was a lot of traffic in the late afternoon; usually, I would go a lot earlier so that I could come home earlier, but Agia had to do his shopping and weekly errands, so we had to push it a bit later. I was pretty tired by the time I got there. We hugged and I gave my signature kiss on the cheek (you’ll be doing this a lot whenever you meet new guys on a date, by the way), and we walked into the showroom. I felt a m
Everything

Saturday 2nd August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’m finding it really difficult to take some time off from the gym. Recently, I woke up with a massive headache, and I think it’s because I’ve just been go, go, go these last couple of weeks—piling on so many new things like singing, piano, and now music theory. It feels like everything is starting to catch up with me. My right shoulder has also been acting up, tense and sore. So I decided to give myself the weekend off from the gym, sleep in, relax, and just do a lo
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 28th June, 2025

Good evening, beautiful,   Miss me?   I went to Ikea today to buy shelves for our study room, that empty wall we’ve always wanted to fill with something. Well, I did end up buying the shelves, but could you believe it? They had this set of nine nature canvases that I thought would be a great addition to the wall. And it was. I think you’re going to love it, and I’m really glad I didn’t put the shelves there because they would’ve made the space, and the room, feel cramped and
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 19th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Just a quick message tonight, as it’s getting quite late and I’m pretty tired. Johnny and I spent the entire day playing Donkey Kong Bonanza on the Switch 2—about 12 hours in total. We originally planned to just follow the critical path (the main storyline), but it was so tempting to go off track and explore the side missions instead of doing what we were supposed to be doing.   When we realised we were only halfway through the game by the end of the sessio
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Saturday 12th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   The first part of today was a bit hectic for me. It was basically covering basic life necessities like buying medications, underwear, socks, and winter clothes that I’ve neglected for a while now. It makes me feel like an adult when I get all this basic stuff covered lol. I also bought the present for Phil too, which is coming up in less than three weeks—some nice bowls and plates. I think he’s going to love them!   Remember the rule for buying gifts for ad
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 7th July, 2025

Hello beautiful bastard,   A couple of updates for today. I’m making it a rule now to first and foremost share any news and updates with you by sending you a quick text throughout the day, even for the small, mundane things. Then, I will share it with the world. Sometimes, I catch myself sending things to people first and waiting for them to reply, and I feel a bit sad when they don’t. And I think to myself, why did I do that? I could just share it with myself first (you), savour the n
Everything

Monday 4th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I was doing some pointless scrolling on YouTube the other day when it suggested a channel called Pianote. It’s run by this lovely lady named Lisa who teaches piano from beginner to advanced. I watched a couple of her videos and I really like the way she explains things. Combined with the music theory I’ve been learning, her lessons reinforced a lot of what I’ve read about but hadn’t necessarily put into practice yet. She has such a calm, nurturing energy—and she’s fu
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 30th June, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Today at work, I was listening to this book called The Happiest Man on Earth by Eddie Jaku. I didn’t really know what it was about going into it, so imagine my surprise when I realised it was an autobiography about the Holocaust. Now, I’ve read a lot of books over the years about this tragic event, but the way the writer retold his story really struck me. I think he wrote it in a way that wasn’t showing off his vocabulary—just raw, honest words—and I really liked tha
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 28th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve decided to let go of singing for now, and I want to walk you through my reasoning. The original goal for singing was never really about gaining the confidence to pick up a microphone and perform—I already had that. The real issue was the uncertainty. I wasn’t sure about the technical side of singing, and I kept questioning myself: was I singing the song correctly? Would people judge me if I wasn’t? Most of it was probably just in my head, but I wanted to learn s
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 21th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Two things I want to talk about tonight: dating and piano.   I’ve gone back into the red sea of dating. There’s a question I used to ask myself whenever I exited a relationship: “How do you know when you’re ready to date again?” It’s an interesting one because the answer is different for everyone. You kinda feel it in your bones. Back then, I used to think I was ready when I felt excited to meet new people again. And maybe that was true at the time. But I’v
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Monday 14th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ll make you a deal: we won’t be talking about Phil today.   I’ve been chatting with this guy on Hinge. His name is Suf, and the really cool thing we’ve started doing is sending voice memos. He’s pretty good at texting too, but I wanted to use voice more—to express my thoughts in a raw and intimate way—and he was on board with it from the beginning. I’m not sure if it’s because I’m learning piano and singing, which makes me more focused on sound these days
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 8th August, 2025

Hello beautiful,   I’ve been speaking to this guy named Brian. We chatted a bit last night, and it went… okay. He asked quite a few questions and mentioned that he’s more of a night person—he usually messages in the evenings because he doesn’t text much while he’s at work. But for some reason, this morning he started chatting with me, which caught me by surprise. We ended up having a long back-and-forth conversation throughout the whole day, even while he was at work.   He’s
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 4th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   Tonight is Friday night and I actually have no social plans, which is okay. Do you know what I did instead after my nap? I went straight to pitch training with the piano keyboard on my iPad, and I’m actually getting quite good at it. I did it for about three hours, and it was one of those things where I got into the flow and couldn’t stop, which I think is a very good sign that I’m enjoying it a lot! I’m able to do 16 notes now, which is two octaves, and I think that
Everything

Friday 27th June, 2025

Good evening beautiful,   I think I’m getting old. I mean, I had the whole Friday night to myself and really wanted to play some video games, but you know what the problem with games these days is? It’s the hours of commitment you have to put in. I don’t think I can fit in a 70-hour game anymore unless I dedicate a couple of weeks off just to play it. So I ended up watching a movie on my own—on the iPad, of course. The movie I chose for tonight was called Flow, about a cat who makes fr
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 25th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   A couple of things on my mind tonight.   Firstly, I was talking to Suf about my cruising tendencies. He hasn’t really explored that world yet, aside from one experience in a dark room in Amsterdam. He said he’d like to learn more next time we meet—and I’m more than happy to share, hehe. He also mentioned that he’s going to Beefcake tonight, which is a sex event in the city. I was so intrigued I looked it up. It’s basically a DJ club night with go-go dancers
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 18th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   A lot happened today, and it’s not that I don’t want to tell you all about it. It’s just that sometimes, I want the moment to settle into my bones for a little while—to let the experience wash over me, to ponder it quietly before sharing it, even with you. One day, I’ll tell you everything. And maybe by then, it’ll be better—because I’ll have processed it more fully and gained a clearer perspective.   Remember Johnny? One of our friends who’s in an open rel
Philip

Philip in Everything

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Everything

Friday 11th July, 2025

Hello beautiful,   It is Friday night and I am home all alone, and you know what? It doesn’t feel bad or lonely at all. It feels nice. I just got off a two-hour phone call with Johnny and caught him up on all the wild things that are happening in my life, and afterwards, I felt a sense of closeness with him and a dopamine rush as well. That feeling of being mattered. That I exist.   After watching recent movies like Dear Evan Hansen and Thunderbolts, where the theme is loneli
Philip

Philip in Everything

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