Hello beautiful,

Today, first thing in the morning, I drove all the way to Ikea again to grab the curtains and the rug. I had a bit of trouble finding the curtains, actually, because it said there were over a hundred in stock, but I couldn’t find any in the location. Even the staff couldn’t find them. I was very disappointed after making it all this way again, and I stood there contemplating whether I should compromise and get something of inferior quality—when I saw the curtains I wanted. They were half buried under a different brand. Whoever stocked it had put it in the wrong location. Hell yes! And I also found the rug too.

So I drove home, windows rolled down, playing some good music, bobbing my head to the sound of the good vibes, and life felt pretty good, buddy.

When I got home, I got started on it right away. And that was when I felt this ache to share the experience with someone. You see, when we were with Kevin, I would regularly send him updates on how everything was going. I had this temptation to send updates to Phil, and I stopped myself. I decided that once I was finished, first and foremost, I needed to share it with myself—so I did. I sent the image to you. And then I started sharing it with the world, including Phil. Some people replied, others didn’t, but that’s okay because I’m not sending it out to get approval or to fill a void. If no one replies, that would be okay, because I experienced it for myself. I savoured it, and now I’m inviting others into my world to experience it with me. I’m sending it out from a place of abundance.

Agia and I are naturally drifting apart. Our messages are very few and far between, and they’re short and shallow. I think he’s one of those people who will slowly drift into the void. Phil is another person who’s been on my mind. I tried to organise a time to meet up with him in the next couple of weeks to give him his birthday present, but it’s been over twenty-four hours since the message and he still hasn’t replied. It makes me feel like I’m definitely not in his top priorities right now. It stings because I can see myself making him a priority, so I can feel how it’s starting to become a one-way street in terms of connection. And that’s the same with a lot of my current friends at the moment—even the ones I place in my top five close friends. Sometimes their replies take a week, and it makes me feel like I can’t really deepen my relationship with them except for when we meet in person, which only happens once every couple of weeks or so.

To be honest, with Phil, I am secretly hoping that he’s busy today because he’s met someone and is having a wonderful time with that man, which is why he doesn’t have time to be on his phone. I would genuinely be happy for him to have found someone, because dating is very difficult and finding someone is not easy. So if he can do it, then I’m rooting for him all the way. Secretly, deep down, I also want him to date someone else because it would instantly bring some clarity into my life. I mean, if he’s ready to date again and is dating someone else, then that means he’s not interested in me—otherwise, he would have come back to date me, right? And if that’s the case, that he’s dating someone else, then it could be the best reason for me to finally let go of him. No more what-ifs. That would be a relief, buddy.

I’m also holding onto a lot more power than I give myself credit for. I could choose to walk away from all this any time I want—to thank him for the beautiful chapter we offered each other and go our separate ways. But I choose not to leave just yet. And I don’t really know why that is. Well, I do know. I just don’t want to admit it or name it, because then it becomes too real. But what the heck—I’ll say it anyway: I want him to choose me. And maybe if I stick around long enough, he might. But I can feel a part of my soul dying each day, buddy, waiting for him. Even though I am moving forward with my life—through singing and hopefully soon, piano lessons, through house renovations and going on solo dates with myself—if I’m honest, I am only doing these things to try and outrun Phil and my feelings toward him. To distract myself with so many things that I don’t have time to stop and think. But we both know that we are so damn good at managing our time that it doesn’t matter how much we pack into our days—we are still going to have so much free time, aren’t we?

So that’s where I’m at right now, buddy. A bit of a beautiful mess, but that’s what being human is all about, isn’t it?

Stay awesome. Have a good night. Chat soon. xx