Hello beautiful bastard,

A couple of updates for today. I’m making it a rule now to first and foremost share any news and updates with you by sending you a quick text throughout the day, even for the small, mundane things. Then, I will share it with the world. Sometimes, I catch myself sending things to people first and waiting for them to reply, and I feel a bit sad when they don’t. And I think to myself, why did I do that? I could just share it with myself first (you), savour the news, then share it with others. That way, if they don’t reply, it’s okay because I’ve already experienced it for myself. I’m thinking of saying something like, “I hope you enjoy it as much as I did,” or “I wanted to share a slice of something amazing with you.” I’ll come up with other ways to share good and bad news with others in the upcoming days.

I’m also recently getting into this thing called erotic asphyxiation, which is basically self-choking while jerking off. You know how we take forever sometimes just to come? Well, this method makes me cum in less than a minute, but it’s dangerous as hell. This morning, I tried it by squeezing my own throat, and I think I damaged it a bit because it was sore the whole day, and during singing practice, I couldn’t hit some of the notes. Oops. I’ll have to be careful with it next time. This is one of the reasons why I don’t think we’ll live past the age of 40, buddy—because of all the risky, stupid shit we get up to. But we like to live life on the edge, eh?

Another good bit of news today is that I finally found a piano teacher. I had to call four different teachers before I got in contact with him. This one seems to be a random guy from Sunshine. He gave me a call earlier and he sounded a bit nervous and not very professional, so I’m not sure if that’s just his personality or if he was actually nervous. But he talked really fast, and it made me talk fast too. You’ll learn somewhere in massage school the technique of speaking very slowly and clearly to calm others down, and this was the complete opposite. He said he would send me an invoice to pay him, but he hasn’t done that yet, so we’ll see how the session goes tomorrow. I’m feeling both excited and apprehensive. He’s so chill and casual about the whole thing that he seems more like a friend teaching me rather than a professional teacher, so I don’t really know how I feel about that.

I also talked to my old man at length about my situation with Phil, and this is what he had to say. He said between now and when I next see Phil, I should treat him like any other friend. At the moment, I’m putting him on the balcony with a spotlight while others are drinking punch in the background. Bring him down to the same level as everyone else. He also told me to loosen my grip on him, because I’m clenching too hard. And just the imagery of loosening my grip until I eventually let go feels very liberating. I’ve been holding my breath for so long that I’ve forgotten how to breathe, buddy.

I think about my future partner—how I’ll meet him one day, perhaps on the app or in an unexpected place—and we’ll just get along, and it’ll feel easy. Communication will feel effortless. I won’t be chasing anymore. It’ll feel just right. I’m not getting that from anyone at the moment, and I have to keep reminding myself not to chase. And that’s sometimes harder than it sounds, isn’t it?

So what am I doing now? I’m sharing my life with you first, because no matter where I am in life, we have each other. Then I’m sharing parts of my life with the people who are actually showing up—those who care for me. My circle of friends is so dynamic right now that people are constantly finding a seat at my table and leaving. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t. But it keeps changing constantly, and I have to celebrate life with them when they’re with me at the table, and to wish them well when they decide to leave. I can remember the good old days with wistful eyes, but I can’t keep holding on to the past, because then I’ll be stuck there.

When I’m there with them, the best gift I can give is to be present—to give them my full, honest self. Not to feel sad because this might be the last time I ever get to spend time with them, or to feel excited about the good times in the future—because, well, that future might never come.

I’m moving through life with the grace, honesty, and kindness that people have known and loved us for, buddy. It’s fucking hard, I’m not going to lie to you. But it’s very rewarding, with restful night sleeps and good health. And sometimes, that’s what life is all about.

I love you, buddy. Always.

Have a good night. Chat soon. xx