Hello beautiful,

I’m feeling a bit sad today. You know, sometimes I wonder how much about the future I should send to you—if you’ll become constantly anxious, waiting for my daily messages, not knowing what the future holds. I ask myself whether I should send you the bad news or let you experience things on your own. I mean, if I tell you everything that’s going to happen, is there any joy left in the unknown?

But then I think about when we read a book and a movie adaptation comes out. We already know what’s going to happen because we’ve read the book, but the movie isn’t any less exciting just because we know how it ends, is it?

I know I’ve been talking non-stop about Phil the past couple of days, and today won’t be any different. I realised you don’t know what he looks like, or the little interactions that play out between us—and I think I’ll leave that magic for you to experience when you meet him. I’ll only cover the major events.

I got a message from him today. Just the usual banter we exchange from time to time, but then, towards the end, he dropped a bombshell: he’s moving to Sydney in a couple of months to expand his business.

My initial reaction was excitement for him. His business is his life, and it’s great that he’s thinking about growing it. But then I remembered the first few weeks after I met him, when he said he wanted to slow down this year because he was burnt out—from work, from relationships. He said he needed to let his thoughts catch up with him. I don’t think he was lying. I think that was just where he was in that moment—tired, post-breakup, just trying to find himself again.

But that was a couple of months ago. He’s healing now. He’s finding himself again. And I think he’s gaining clarity on what he wants to do with his life. Right now, he’s pouring everything into his work. And maybe, a part of him is also moving to Sydney for a fresh start in life and love. I remember when we broke up with Kevin, how I wanted to join the Airforce—not just for structure or adventure, but partly to reset my life. To make a big change so everything felt new. And you know what I found at the end of that, buddy? I found that happiness had been right on my doorstep the whole time. But I was still glad I went through the journey to discover that for myself.

I used to think that when the universe finally pushed Phil away, I’d be relieved—because then I’d be forced to stop chasing. And now that day has come, and I don’t feel relief at all. I mean, I’m happy for him. But I’m also overwhelmed with sadness. I sat with it all day, trying to pinpoint it, and I think the sadness comes from the loss of possibility—the slow closing of the door on what we might have been.

I’ve been loosening my grip on him for a while now, and now the universe is saying, “Let go.” And the truth is, I’ve had the power to do so all along. But I’m struggling. It’s not easy, buddy.

You know what it feels like? It feels like the ache I had when I broke up with Van. Or with Kevin. Except this one feels different, but it cuts just as deep. It’s different because with Van and Kevin, we gave it a proper shot and we knew it wouldn’t work out. With Phil, we’re dancing with possibility—with what-ifs and maybes. And sometimes, those are just as powerful. Just as painful.

So yeah, that’s where I’m at, buddy. I’m grieving. But I will let the feeling wash over me instead of running away from it. I will let the pain hurt, because it means I really cared. It means I really loved him—with everything I had.

But I can tell you one thing for sure—and you probably already know this: we’re never going to give up on love. Not in this lifetime. There are still so many guys out there we haven’t met yet, and I’m going to keep trying and trying and trying. I won’t let my heart go cold. I won’t build walls just because love is hard.

Because I know it’s worth it. We’ve felt it before. And when it’s right, it’s beautiful.

You’re going to be alright, buddy. I promise.

Love you always. Chat soon xx