This is my 1st person account of a set of events and one core event in which I was a primary participant.  I think I’ve done a good job at being correct, truthful, and honest, and told the story to the best of my ability in a way that reflects those days in 2010.  One week after the core event concluded, Jason (Ethan in the story), Jacob, Alex and I went to dinner to debrief on the experience and make sure we were in a positive space with each other.  There was no reason to feel otherwise.  We were all happy and hugged as I departed the house at the end of the 6 days.

We had a wonderful dinner.  I learned that this all came about because Jason had dated Jacob for a while, who had long ago dated Alex – this is how they one day accidentally came together and started talking about this idea.  They were all huge BDSM fans and had the skills, money, and organizing skills to pull of something like this. 

At the dinner, we all had such amazing smiles on our face, we were laughing, and smiling, they told me some of the things that hadn’t quite gone to their plan – like the piss party on night which was intended to be invite only but turned in a free-for-all (I didn't know what was supposed to happen one way or the other).  Don't worry, The Dominants took care of the situation and things were solved by the next day.

I don’t know who said it, but as four intelligent thoughtful introspective gay men sat around a table, someone asked “so, did we learn anything?”  I remember responding almost instinctively and saying “I need more time to process that.  I learned that when you can’t see, a lot can go on in your head.  I built trust with you guys.  It’s deeper than that, but I can’t talk about it right now cuz I don’t have the words.” 

I’m sad I responded that way because I think I mentally shut down thinking about the event ever again in a deeper way, until writing this. 

I wish I could call Jason, Jacob, and Alex and talk to them so many years later about what they remember, share with them what I’ve written, and reconnect.

Sadly, 4 months after that dinner, Jason committed suicide.  Underlying the suicide was the tragic and unexpected death of both his mother and father and his untreated depression and other undiagnosed but compounding mental challenges.  He was a kind, funny, brilliant, compassionate, multi-faceted sex pig who in that area of life alone, was confidant.  He knew his kinks and sexuality were outside of the “norm” and he embraced it and showcased it with pride.  I didn’t know until after he died that when I went out with him on that date, my friends were all like “this is either gonna be a match made in heaven, or there gonna kill each other with dildos.”  I’m gonna go with heaven.

Also sadly, about 2 years after that dinner, Jacob died in a car accident caused by a drunk driver.  The day I found this out was the last time I spoke to Alex.  He was never a social media person even in those early days, I attempted to find him and have so far not been able to.

So, this story will remain mine to tell, and as much as writing this down has given me joy, it reminds me of the loss of three people with whom I share a unique experience of significance in my life.  An experience that cannot be duplicated and will never be replaced.

For years I have jokingly talked about this experience as a “crazy date” and “the week I got locked in a dog cage” with friends and family.  I've talked with gay people and straight people, those within the fringe sex community and those that aren't.  Some of my straight friends will say sometimes when referring to a bad experience “at least you didn’t get locked in a dog cage.”  In writing this, I recognized how much I had suppressed about the actual experience and much calling the "dog cage date" dramatically oversimplified and even disrespected the time that we shared.

I think I have some unaddressed trauma over the loss of two of the three people, and the disappearance and disconnection from the third which occurred shortly thereafter.

I’m choosing to tell the story and what that experience taught me and do so in a narrative fashion.  I am thankful for Jason, Jacob, and Alex for their thoughtfulness creating this experience and including me.  For thinking of what we learn about ourselves in every situation, even if it’s a really charged sexual experience.  For keeping me safe, giving me the ability to experience things in a different way than I had ever in the past sexually – even if the activity were the exact same.

This is for you, appropriately posted on a site called “Breeding Zone” which seems incredibly fitting – on the edge of sexuality, pushing boundaries, having fun, and always making sure the submissive bottom gets “many many many many loads.”

Much love.