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Philip

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Blog Entries posted by Philip

  1. Philip

    Sunday 13th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    I’m feeling a bit sad today. You know, sometimes I wonder how much about the future I should send to you—if you’ll become constantly anxious, waiting for my daily messages, not knowing what the future holds. I ask myself whether I should send you the bad news or let you experience things on your own. I mean, if I tell you everything that’s going to happen, is there any joy left in the unknown?
     
    But then I think about when we read a book and a movie adaptation comes out. We already know what’s going to happen because we’ve read the book, but the movie isn’t any less exciting just because we know how it ends, is it?
     
    I know I’ve been talking non-stop about Phil the past couple of days, and today won’t be any different. I realised you don’t know what he looks like, or the little interactions that play out between us—and I think I’ll leave that magic for you to experience when you meet him. I’ll only cover the major events.
     
    I got a message from him today. Just the usual banter we exchange from time to time, but then, towards the end, he dropped a bombshell: he’s moving to Sydney in a couple of months to expand his business.
     
    My initial reaction was excitement for him. His business is his life, and it’s great that he’s thinking about growing it. But then I remembered the first few weeks after I met him, when he said he wanted to slow down this year because he was burnt out—from work, from relationships. He said he needed to let his thoughts catch up with him. I don’t think he was lying. I think that was just where he was in that moment—tired, post-breakup, just trying to find himself again.
     
    But that was a couple of months ago. He’s healing now. He’s finding himself again. And I think he’s gaining clarity on what he wants to do with his life. Right now, he’s pouring everything into his work. And maybe, a part of him is also moving to Sydney for a fresh start in life and love. I remember when we broke up with Kevin, how I wanted to join the Airforce—not just for structure or adventure, but partly to reset my life. To make a big change so everything felt new. And you know what I found at the end of that, buddy? I found that happiness had been right on my doorstep the whole time. But I was still glad I went through the journey to discover that for myself.
     
    I used to think that when the universe finally pushed Phil away, I’d be relieved—because then I’d be forced to stop chasing. And now that day has come, and I don’t feel relief at all. I mean, I’m happy for him. But I’m also overwhelmed with sadness. I sat with it all day, trying to pinpoint it, and I think the sadness comes from the loss of possibility—the slow closing of the door on what we might have been.
     
    I’ve been loosening my grip on him for a while now, and now the universe is saying, “Let go.” And the truth is, I’ve had the power to do so all along. But I’m struggling. It’s not easy, buddy.
     
    You know what it feels like? It feels like the ache I had when I broke up with Van. Or with Kevin. Except this one feels different, but it cuts just as deep. It’s different because with Van and Kevin, we gave it a proper shot and we knew it wouldn’t work out. With Phil, we’re dancing with possibility—with what-ifs and maybes. And sometimes, those are just as powerful. Just as painful.
     
    So yeah, that’s where I’m at, buddy. I’m grieving. But I will let the feeling wash over me instead of running away from it. I will let the pain hurt, because it means I really cared. It means I really loved him—with everything I had.
     
    But I can tell you one thing for sure—and you probably already know this: we’re never going to give up on love. Not in this lifetime. There are still so many guys out there we haven’t met yet, and I’m going to keep trying and trying and trying. I won’t let my heart go cold. I won’t build walls just because love is hard.
     
    Because I know it’s worth it. We’ve felt it before. And when it’s right, it’s beautiful.
     
    You’re going to be alright, buddy. I promise.
     
    Love you always. Chat soon xx
  2. Philip

    Saturday 12th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    The first part of today was a bit hectic for me. It was basically covering basic life necessities like buying medications, underwear, socks, and winter clothes that I’ve neglected for a while now. It makes me feel like an adult when I get all this basic stuff covered lol. I also bought the present for Phil too, which is coming up in less than three weeks—some nice bowls and plates. I think he’s going to love them!
     
    Remember the rule for buying gifts for adults, buddy? Always buy the upgraded version of what they already own. Phil has some good bowls and plates, but I think we can do better than that hehe. I truly think he’ll love it because it’s super practical, and it’s something he can use for a very long time. Plus, every time he uses it, he’ll lowkey think of us. Strategic, if you ask me.
     
    I then met Dan afterwards and we lay on his couch, cuddled, and talked about life for about two hours. It felt really nice. I updated him on what’s happening in my life, from music to singing lessons to self-love, and he told me what’s been happening in his life too. We then played Mario Kart, had dinner, listened to some of his favourite music on YouTube, and watched a movie. Somewhere along the way, I got a message from Phil, apologising for the delay in messages this week because he’s in Sydney and had to look after his aunties. I haven’t replied to him yet, even though there’s a pull to do so, but I’ll reply when I’m ready.
     
    Something interesting happened when I was with Dan though. Dan is one of our many friends with benefits, buddy, but today, we didn’t have sex or anything. We barely kissed at all. Just two guys cuddling it out, and it felt really nice and purely physical. I didn’t feel anything when I was with him. I care for him as a friend, yes, but nothing more than that. And I think to myself, is this what friends with benefits is all about? Just two friends cuddling each other without any other hidden agenda underneath it all?
     
    And then I think about Phil, and if Phil feels this way about me. You know, how I’m just a friend to him, and a warm body to hug. And the bittersweet thing about all this is that I feel that when I do see Phil again, and we cuddle and kiss, it will start to feel just that—physical. And all that emotional load will no longer be there, and I feel sad about it all. Sad perhaps for the loss of what was and the what-ifs, the possibilities of something more between us, even if I was the only one to feel that way. Phil will just become like any of my other friends with benefits, and when I look into his eyes, I will finally see him for what he truly means to me right now in the present: just a friend with benefit. Not a lover. Not something more. Not right now.
     
    Someday, maybe, we might go on that second date, and things will go in a different direction. Maybe they won’t. But whatever happens, buddy, I will continue moving on with my life, not to run away from the pain or anything, but because life is too short to stand and wait for maybes.
     
    Oh, and before I forget, I think I’ve figured out the phone calls dilemma I told you about yesterday. Here is the current plan: I’m going to tell people if they have time for a 20-minute phone call catch-up. Then when we talk on the phone, I’ll keep an eye on the time, and at the 20-minute mark, I’ll just ask them if they want to continue or if they want to end the call here. That way, it gives them an opt-out since I did say 20 minutes. I’m not sure if this will work, but I’ll give it a shot.
     
    Stay awesome buddy. Chat soon xx
  3. Philip

    Friday 11th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    It is Friday night and I am home all alone, and you know what? It doesn’t feel bad or lonely at all. It feels nice. I just got off a two-hour phone call with Johnny and caught him up on all the wild things that are happening in my life, and afterwards, I felt a sense of closeness with him and a dopamine rush as well. That feeling of being mattered. That I exist.
     
    After watching recent movies like Dear Evan Hansen and Thunderbolts, where the theme is loneliness and being mattered to the world, being seen by someone—even someone who once wasn’t close in my life—is a wonderful feeling, buddy.
     
    I think I’ll take a page from Steve’s book (who is quite traditional in his thinking) and start making more phone calls with people now instead of just sending text messages. Text messages used to be good, but they take time to write and compose, and sometimes you can get through a lot just by talking to someone for a few minutes. The only problem is, though, that phone calls with me are hardly just a few minutes. They usually last about an hour, even unintentionally. So my biggest worry is that if the phone calls consistently last too long, would people stop wanting to talk with me because they don’t have that much time to spare? Because they lead such busy lives?
     
    Another problem I have with phone calls is that some people like to multitask. For instance, I was talking to this guy named James and he would sometimes clean his room or something while talking, and it would be distracting to me because I’d hear every little noise he made, from the shuffling of papers to boxes being moved around. Even my mum cooks and washes dishes while talking on the phone, and it makes me wonder if their lives are so busy that they can’t set aside time for you. Sometimes it makes me think it’s a big ask for someone to give you an hour of their time. But then I also think, if they value the friendship enough, they could spare an hour to connect with you? I’m still working on figuring this one out, and I hope I gain better clarity with time.
     
    In other news, I went to Coles today because on Fridays and weekends now, I want to treat myself to eating something new to break up my very boring bulking diet. Coles has these packaged roast lamb legs that you just pop in the oven for 30 minutes, and you cook rice on the side. It’s pretty cheap too, and there are a lot of options I want to try out. I think it would be a great way to cook something when inviting guys over for a date. Plus, I have these really nice plates that make everything look super classy.
     
    It’s past midnight and I think I’ll practice a bit more piano before bedtime tonight.
     
    Love you always. Chat soon xx
  4. Philip

    Thursday 10th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    I’m not going to lie to you, buddy—my days are getting packed and it’s still pretty hard to balance everything. Let’s break it down. To work 8 hours a day and try to get that elusive 8 hours of sleep, I pretty much only have 5 hours of free time left, accounting for things like commute, traffic, eating, showering, etc. These 5 hours are spread like this:
     
    1. Gym
    2. Journaling
    3. Piano practice
    4. Singing practice
    5. Walking
     
     
    The list above is also the order I’d rank them in, from most to least important, and walking feels so much like a luxury these days. It’s important because it’s self-care—I walk to untangle the thoughts in my mind, and it’s very calming too. But so is writing to you every night. That’s what my Monday to Friday looks like. Weekends are a bit more flexible; these days, I usually just spend that time practicing piano or singing—and, of course, our favorite thing in the world, which is napping, hehe.
     
    Johnny has also been sending us more messages lately, which is weird because he doesn’t usually do that. We scheduled a phone call recently that he flaked on, so I think this is his way of smoothing out the friendship, which I’m not sure how I feel about. I noticed that I’ve been replying to him about once a day out of politeness. The text is still warm, though, but the energy isn’t there. And then that made me think about how Phil has been texting me lately—once a day—and it suddenly made me realize that he might have been doing it out of politeness too. Sometimes, he might just pop in to say hi, but that’s pretty much it. There’s definitely nothing more beyond that, I don’t think. And it wasn’t until I was in his shoes that I realized what’s actually happening.
     
    So, what am I going to do? Nothing much, really. Just meet him with warmth and kindness when I see him, but not pour too much of myself into the relationship if it isn’t mutual. Relationships between friends are dynamic, and I can’t force a bond to happen if it doesn’t want to. One day, I’ll meet someone amazing, and things are going to feel easy with the connection. That’s when I’ll know I should pour more of myself in. But I haven’t met that person yet.
     
    One last thing. Mum was singing today and I’ve been longing to do two things: listen to her sing, and give her a hug. I did both of those things today. I grabbed my gym bag and stopped myself when she was singing karaoke, just to sit there and listen to her sing. I didn’t look at my phone or anything. One day, she won’t be here anymore, and I’ll miss her singing more than anything—I just know it. So I sat there and absorbed the moment. Afterwards, she asked if I wanted to sing and I said no, and she was surprised because she thought the only reason I stayed was to sing afterwards. She was happy that I witnessed her performance, and we hugged. We should hug our mum more often, buddy.
     
    Love you always. Chat soon xx
  5. Philip

    Wednesday 9th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    Alright, so the biggest news of today was me going out and buying the piano, even after having to stay back overtime because one of the machines at work broke down. That’s dedication, buddy! The whole trip lasted three hours. I went into the shop and told the girl at the counter that I was looking for a digital piano and didn’t know anything about it, and she basically went through a number of pianos including her recommendations. She mentioned that I should choose it based on the feel of the keys (which I thought all felt the same at first). When she left me to my own devices, I tried every single one of them and settled for this lesser-known brand called Kawai. It’s not a Casio or a Yamaha, but I don’t really mind because it felt and sounded really good to me, so I went with my gut feeling. This one also comes with a stand and pedals too, and I had to buy a chair separately, so I got the complete package, buddy! I have to say though, the packaging was intense and now I have a lot of rubbish to dispose of.
     
    I’ve been playing the piano for a bit and I noticed that my wrist and my hands, especially the left non-dominant one, got tired very quickly. I think this is just something that I’ll get used to. Also, remember when we first started learning how to touch type? It was a very slow process because we were trying to remember where each of the keys were? This is exactly the same process for learning the piano as well, where we have to get used to the finger placement. And the songs so far, at least, require me to remember where each finger is on the keys. I also have to know where each of the notes are on the treble or bass staff so I can play the notes. I think I’ll approach it systematically, by saying out the letters first and then trying to remember where my fingers are.
     
    I used to enjoy playing video games, and now I feel very addicted to learning the piano as my own sort of game. Both are rewarding in their own way, but I find myself much more excited to get home and start playing the piano as opposed to playing the Switch 2 when it was released.
     
    I am also struggling to balance everything in my life at the moment, buddy. It seems like a struggle right now to do both piano and singing practice on the same day. I’m leaning much more on practicing the piano after work, but I do find myself singing randomly at work more often now, so I guess that counts as practice, right? Actually, it’s a bit more conscious than that. When I’m singing at work, I’m listening very carefully to how each of my notes sounds, especially when there’s only a difference of one note between the words. That’s the part where I need to practice a lot more.
     
    You are going to have the time of your life soon, buddy. Chat soon xx
  6. Philip

    Tuesday 8th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful bastard,
     
    Today was the first lesson for my piano, and I want to tell you all about it. The piano teacher is only a ten-minute drive from our workplace and he is Vietnamese too! Except, I didn’t know until the very end when I asked for his name—hehe. We learned through the very basics, going through a children’s book (which I purchased at the end). I still get a lot of nervous energy around him, and I’m not sure if that’s who he is naturally, or if he’s just a nervous teacher in general. Perhaps time will tell. I do like his teaching style though, which is a bit all over the place. He tries to keep things structured, but sometimes I’ll ask him a random advanced question, and he’ll get up, grab a book off his shelf, and answer the question by showing me an example, followed by something like, “but this is more advanced and down the track,” which I like because it gives me a glimpse of what’s ahead.
     
    This is quite different to the approach that my vocal coach takes, because sometimes she’ll think in her head whether she should tell me something or not and decides against it because it might confuse me. I like both approaches, and it’s pretty fascinating how I managed to find two different teachers with wildly different styles.
     
    To be honest, buddy, I feel like I am living life these days instead of just moving through it. I feel very lucky that I’m able to work in a job that I love, have a roof over my head, a car that works, be in good health, and have a family that’s healthy too. There isn’t too much stress happening in my life. I feel very lucky that I can manage my finances to allow these types of luxuries into my life. We’re spending like $200 a week on singing and piano lessons combined, which is a lot of money for most people, but I feel that I’m at a stage now where this amount, although a lot, doesn’t feel like wasted money. It’s very valuable because it’s giving me the experience of living life, and it makes life richer and more beautiful.
     
    I guess you can contrast this with spending money on junk food, cigarettes, smokes, drugs, gambling—and I’d be very angry and disappointed in myself for wasting money that way. But this is different. This leads to growth, buddy.
     
    I also found out one of the secrets to adulthood which many people will never experience, which is to spend money on teachers to speed up your learning. It’s really worth it. And it makes me look at myself and all the skills I have—like personal trainer, massage therapist—and how I should charge people when I teach them. Over the years, I’ve had people ask, and I’ve just done it out of kindness. But out of respect for me and my craft, I really need to start charging people. And you know what? The people who respect teachers and the work they do, they’ll happily pay. Just like I did.
     
    Oh, speaking of which—today we went overtime by half an hour, and the piano teacher said I should just pay him for the 30 minutes, which I said okay to. But when I got in the car, I paid him for the full hour. I didn’t have to do that, but I did it because I respected his time and his craft, and I’m very proud of myself for that. That’s class, buddy. We could have saved $35, but the damage it would’ve done would outweigh just paying him properly. Now, gut feeling says he’ll pour more of himself into our future classes, because we’ve already established mutual respect. That’s another secret of adulthood. I’ll give you that one for free, dipshit.
     
    Love you heaps. Chat soon. xx
  7. Philip

    Monday 7th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful bastard,
     
    A couple of updates for today. I’m making it a rule now to first and foremost share any news and updates with you by sending you a quick text throughout the day, even for the small, mundane things. Then, I will share it with the world. Sometimes, I catch myself sending things to people first and waiting for them to reply, and I feel a bit sad when they don’t. And I think to myself, why did I do that? I could just share it with myself first (you), savour the news, then share it with others. That way, if they don’t reply, it’s okay because I’ve already experienced it for myself. I’m thinking of saying something like, “I hope you enjoy it as much as I did,” or “I wanted to share a slice of something amazing with you.” I’ll come up with other ways to share good and bad news with others in the upcoming days.
     
    I’m also recently getting into this thing called erotic asphyxiation, which is basically self-choking while jerking off. You know how we take forever sometimes just to come? Well, this method makes me cum in less than a minute, but it’s dangerous as hell. This morning, I tried it by squeezing my own throat, and I think I damaged it a bit because it was sore the whole day, and during singing practice, I couldn’t hit some of the notes. Oops. I’ll have to be careful with it next time. This is one of the reasons why I don’t think we’ll live past the age of 40, buddy—because of all the risky, stupid shit we get up to. But we like to live life on the edge, eh?
     
    Another good bit of news today is that I finally found a piano teacher. I had to call four different teachers before I got in contact with him. This one seems to be a random guy from Sunshine. He gave me a call earlier and he sounded a bit nervous and not very professional, so I’m not sure if that’s just his personality or if he was actually nervous. But he talked really fast, and it made me talk fast too. You’ll learn somewhere in massage school the technique of speaking very slowly and clearly to calm others down, and this was the complete opposite. He said he would send me an invoice to pay him, but he hasn’t done that yet, so we’ll see how the session goes tomorrow. I’m feeling both excited and apprehensive. He’s so chill and casual about the whole thing that he seems more like a friend teaching me rather than a professional teacher, so I don’t really know how I feel about that.
     
    I also talked to my old man at length about my situation with Phil, and this is what he had to say. He said between now and when I next see Phil, I should treat him like any other friend. At the moment, I’m putting him on the balcony with a spotlight while others are drinking punch in the background. Bring him down to the same level as everyone else. He also told me to loosen my grip on him, because I’m clenching too hard. And just the imagery of loosening my grip until I eventually let go feels very liberating. I’ve been holding my breath for so long that I’ve forgotten how to breathe, buddy.
     
    I think about my future partner—how I’ll meet him one day, perhaps on the app or in an unexpected place—and we’ll just get along, and it’ll feel easy. Communication will feel effortless. I won’t be chasing anymore. It’ll feel just right. I’m not getting that from anyone at the moment, and I have to keep reminding myself not to chase. And that’s sometimes harder than it sounds, isn’t it?
     
    So what am I doing now? I’m sharing my life with you first, because no matter where I am in life, we have each other. Then I’m sharing parts of my life with the people who are actually showing up—those who care for me. My circle of friends is so dynamic right now that people are constantly finding a seat at my table and leaving. Sometimes they come back, sometimes they don’t. But it keeps changing constantly, and I have to celebrate life with them when they’re with me at the table, and to wish them well when they decide to leave. I can remember the good old days with wistful eyes, but I can’t keep holding on to the past, because then I’ll be stuck there.
     
    When I’m there with them, the best gift I can give is to be present—to give them my full, honest self. Not to feel sad because this might be the last time I ever get to spend time with them, or to feel excited about the good times in the future—because, well, that future might never come.
     
    I’m moving through life with the grace, honesty, and kindness that people have known and loved us for, buddy. It’s fucking hard, I’m not going to lie to you. But it’s very rewarding, with restful night sleeps and good health. And sometimes, that’s what life is all about.
     
    I love you, buddy. Always.
    Have a good night. Chat soon. xx
  8. Philip

    Sunday 6th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    Today, first thing in the morning, I drove all the way to Ikea again to grab the curtains and the rug. I had a bit of trouble finding the curtains, actually, because it said there were over a hundred in stock, but I couldn’t find any in the location. Even the staff couldn’t find them. I was very disappointed after making it all this way again, and I stood there contemplating whether I should compromise and get something of inferior quality—when I saw the curtains I wanted. They were half buried under a different brand. Whoever stocked it had put it in the wrong location. Hell yes! And I also found the rug too.
     
    So I drove home, windows rolled down, playing some good music, bobbing my head to the sound of the good vibes, and life felt pretty good, buddy.
     
    When I got home, I got started on it right away. And that was when I felt this ache to share the experience with someone. You see, when we were with Kevin, I would regularly send him updates on how everything was going. I had this temptation to send updates to Phil, and I stopped myself. I decided that once I was finished, first and foremost, I needed to share it with myself—so I did. I sent the image to you. And then I started sharing it with the world, including Phil. Some people replied, others didn’t, but that’s okay because I’m not sending it out to get approval or to fill a void. If no one replies, that would be okay, because I experienced it for myself. I savoured it, and now I’m inviting others into my world to experience it with me. I’m sending it out from a place of abundance.
     
    Agia and I are naturally drifting apart. Our messages are very few and far between, and they’re short and shallow. I think he’s one of those people who will slowly drift into the void. Phil is another person who’s been on my mind. I tried to organise a time to meet up with him in the next couple of weeks to give him his birthday present, but it’s been over twenty-four hours since the message and he still hasn’t replied. It makes me feel like I’m definitely not in his top priorities right now. It stings because I can see myself making him a priority, so I can feel how it’s starting to become a one-way street in terms of connection. And that’s the same with a lot of my current friends at the moment—even the ones I place in my top five close friends. Sometimes their replies take a week, and it makes me feel like I can’t really deepen my relationship with them except for when we meet in person, which only happens once every couple of weeks or so.
     
    To be honest, with Phil, I am secretly hoping that he’s busy today because he’s met someone and is having a wonderful time with that man, which is why he doesn’t have time to be on his phone. I would genuinely be happy for him to have found someone, because dating is very difficult and finding someone is not easy. So if he can do it, then I’m rooting for him all the way. Secretly, deep down, I also want him to date someone else because it would instantly bring some clarity into my life. I mean, if he’s ready to date again and is dating someone else, then that means he’s not interested in me—otherwise, he would have come back to date me, right? And if that’s the case, that he’s dating someone else, then it could be the best reason for me to finally let go of him. No more what-ifs. That would be a relief, buddy.
     
    I’m also holding onto a lot more power than I give myself credit for. I could choose to walk away from all this any time I want—to thank him for the beautiful chapter we offered each other and go our separate ways. But I choose not to leave just yet. And I don’t really know why that is. Well, I do know. I just don’t want to admit it or name it, because then it becomes too real. But what the heck—I’ll say it anyway: I want him to choose me. And maybe if I stick around long enough, he might. But I can feel a part of my soul dying each day, buddy, waiting for him. Even though I am moving forward with my life—through singing and hopefully soon, piano lessons, through house renovations and going on solo dates with myself—if I’m honest, I am only doing these things to try and outrun Phil and my feelings toward him. To distract myself with so many things that I don’t have time to stop and think. But we both know that we are so damn good at managing our time that it doesn’t matter how much we pack into our days—we are still going to have so much free time, aren’t we?
     
    So that’s where I’m at right now, buddy. A bit of a beautiful mess, but that’s what being human is all about, isn’t it?
     
    Stay awesome. Have a good night. Chat soon. xx
  9. Philip

    Saturday 5th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    I went to Ikea today with Agia and it was okay. There was a lot of traffic in the late afternoon; usually, I would go a lot earlier so that I could come home earlier, but Agia had to do his shopping and weekly errands, so we had to push it a bit later. I was pretty tired by the time I got there. We hugged and I gave my signature kiss on the cheek (you’ll be doing this a lot whenever you meet new guys on a date, by the way), and we walked into the showroom. I felt a mismatch in energy from the get-go, and I’m not sure if it was because it was the first time we met or something else, but it was slightly awkward. It felt as though we were just going through the motions, so to speak.
     
    They didn’t have the curtains or rugs either, but then I checked again after I got home and it turned out they do have them after all! So I think I’ll make yet another trip there tomorrow to buy everything. I just checked the toll and it turned out to be fifteen dollars in total, which was more than I expected! I think it’ll save forty minutes of driving overall, and I’m not sure if I should take the scenic route (aka the long drive) and listen to a podcast, or just take the hit and make the trip quicker and more efficient.
     
    Let’s talk about Agia for a second. Buddy, the spark was not there. I know what a spark or chemistry feels like. It’s that excitement for getting to know someone and feeling them return that same enthusiasm. It’s the kind of energy that makes me feel playful, engaged, even when I’m a little tired—but I didn’t feel that energy today. Instead, I could sense that he was a bit drained, maybe from work or lack of sleep. I could feel that he’s in survival mode right now, just trying to get through the days, and so he doesn’t have the emotional capacity to fit me into his life.
     
    I remind myself what a spark feels like—I had it when I first met all my exes: with Van, Kevin, and even Phil. That feeling becomes the template for all future connections I build with someone. You can even feel it in the way someone writes—the tone, the flow, the spark in the language. For me, written communication is important not just because I’m a writer, but because if we end up living far apart, writing becomes the bridge that keeps the connection warm.
     
    There was one part of the connection that got me thinking, though. Agia said he wanted to learn Korean, and that he was planning to self-teach by buying books. I ended up sharing with him a bit of wisdom I’ve learned over the past few weeks about learning something new—if the budget allows, get a teacher. A really good, patient teacher can fast-track the process. It definitely feels like a luxury, but it’s well worth the value in the long run. I could tell he was a bit apprehensive about the idea, so I didn’t push it.
     
    On the drive home, I couldn’t help but feel deeply grateful that I’m in a position where I can afford things like singing and piano lessons at this stage in life, especially when so many people are struggling with rent and food. And while I always thank our parents for the sacrifices they made to get us here, I sometimes forget that we also worked really damn hard. We stayed focused at work, managed our finances carefully, kept both our mental and physical health in check, and built a strong philosophy on how to live. That’s worth recognising too.
     
    Don’t stop striving for kindness and success, buddy.
     
    I love you, always. Chat soon. xx
  10. Philip

    Friday 4th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    Tonight is Friday night and I actually have no social plans, which is okay. Do you know what I did instead after my nap? I went straight to pitch training with the piano keyboard on my iPad, and I’m actually getting quite good at it. I did it for about three hours, and it was one of those things where I got into the flow and couldn’t stop, which I think is a very good sign that I’m enjoying it a lot! I’m able to do 16 notes now, which is two octaves, and I think that’s pretty good. I’m not really able to hit the high notes just yet, so perhaps that’s something I can learn with my vocal coach.
     
    The piano teacher also got back to me saying that the afternoon times are all booked out, so I looked for another teacher and she hasn’t replied back to me yet. I think I might give her a call tomorrow and see if I can arrange something, since the fire to learn the piano is pretty hot right now.
     
    I also watched Frozen: The Musical on the iPad and it’s pretty good. I found myself singing along to some of the soundtracks, which I never imagined myself doing—especially when it comes to English songs.
     
    I’m also planning to go to Ikea tomorrow with this new guy I’m talking to called Agia. We’ve been casually chatting here and there, nothing too serious, so we’ll see how it goes in person. I’m not holding my breath or anything. He hasn’t swept me off my feet with our conversations, and he seems quite stressed with work and very strict with his sleep routine, so I have a feeling he might not be emotionally invested in me as much as I’d like. But we’ll see what happens tomorrow.
     
    Stay awesome.
    Have a good night.
    Chat soon. xx
  11. Philip

    Thursday 3rd July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello Beautiful,
     
    I went for a nightly walk earlier along a new walking track across from the high school. I can’t remember if it was built during your time, but there’s this nice circuit that crosses over the school and around the football field. It takes about 40 minutes to walk back home, which is a good amount of time to think and unwind about life for a moment.
     
    Today, for the first time, I noticed that the trees they planted a long time ago have become quite big and sturdy. I remember when they used to be so small. And it makes me think—where did all the time go? Life is moving by very fast now and every day is becoming a blur, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I don’t think “scared” is the right word, but it’s definitely close to that space.
     
    I think about how much free time I have after work—about five hours—and what I do with that time these days: gym, writing you this message, dinner, and then the rest of the time just… disappears. Maybe scrolling and watching random YouTube videos here and there. Maybe lounging around doing nothing. My old man once told me something that I’ll never forget: just go out there and spend the evening doing something pointless. In a society where it’s sometimes frowned upon to be unproductive, that quote really hits me. Perhaps life is just a lot of pointless moments stitched together after all.
     
    I talk about time because I’m thinking of taking on piano lessons to accompany my singing lessons too. I think it’ll be a great way to boost my singing journey, but it also means more commitment. I’m very excited about it, since playing piano is something I’ve always wanted to do. So I can knock out two things at once, buddy. Can you believe that? We’re really doing the things we always said we would. It’s now or never, eh? I’m going to contact the music instructor tomorrow and we’ll go from there.
     
    So that’s singing practice, piano practice, gym six times a week, eight hours of sleep, and trying to maintain a social life. And that’s not even including dates and relationships. It’s going to be a full-on couple of months and, to be honest with you, I’ve kind of kept it that way. To be even more honest, I think I’m doing it because I’m trying to run away from something—perhaps from thinking about Phil (though I’m getting better at not thinking about him lately), and maybe from thinking about dating for a bit. Just to focus on myself.
     
    You’ll read a book in the future called This Is Me Letting You Go and you’ll be touched by a chapter that asks: what if you knew with certainty that you were never going to find the love of your life? That you’d be single forever? It’s a sad thought, but also a liberating one. And I think I’m starting to take that chapter seriously. If I never end up finding my partner in this lifetime, what are the things I still want to do? Singing? Learning the piano? Dancing? These are all options I’m finally pursuing.
     
    Of course, I’ll still keep my eyes open for potential partners, mind you. But it’s interesting how my perspective has shifted recently.
     
    Speaking of dating—it’s still a circus out there, buddy. That sure hasn’t changed. You’re still going to make a couple of solid friends from the experience though, so keep at it. But 99% of people on there are not your type. I ran into a few who gave me their number and said to move the chat to Instagram or WhatsApp because “it’s easier,” and they’re still terrible at replying. I have no idea how those platforms are easier than Hinge. There’s going to be a lot of ghosting, for whatever reason.
     
    Whatever happens—and I think this is more of a reminder to myself—remember to treat people with kindness. Sometimes give them a chance to get their act together. That’s kindness you don’t have to give, but we believe that if we put enough positive energy into the universe, then the universe has a way of bringing it back to us tenfold. Don’t we?
     
    I love you, buddy.
    Have a good night.
    Chat soon. xx
  12. Philip

    Wednesday 2nd July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    Just a quick message today, as there wasn’t too much that happened. At work, I was practicing my pitch training. I’m getting quite used to it now and can do eight notes while hitting each one fairly consistently. Sometimes, while aiming for the C note, I’ll hit a C sharp instead, but I’m getting better at correcting myself. It’s just using sounds like “Na” and “La” at the moment, since replacing them with words makes me hit a different note. But I’m reminded of what my teacher said about being patient and kind to myself. I also remind myself that I’ve only had one lesson with her so far—and I think this is already a pretty good improvement! I’m trying to set aside about two hours a day for dedicated practice. Sometimes it’s frustrating, but I do believe that consistent effort over time will pay off.
     
    I’m also listening to this book called Sweet Bean Paste by Tetsuya Akikawa, a story about—well—making sweet bean paste. It’s set in Japan and follows a man and an elderly woman making the paste for his pancake shop. I’m about 20% through and apparently there’s more to the story, but so far, it’s written quite beautifully. I’m quite picky with my book selection these days. Usually, I’ll listen to a book for about an hour before deciding whether to continue with it. Even if a book has a good review or is highly recommended by others, I’ve found that if it doesn’t resonate with me, I’m not afraid to drop it. To fill the silence, I just revisit old books. They’re very comforting to me.
     
    I also made a phone call to Agia today for the first time, and we talked for an hour. I reckon we could’ve talked a little longer, but he had to end it because he needed to sleep, which was fair enough. He’s got a very calming voice, and he’s patient too. I find that we’re able to talk freely about life. He did hint at a difficult past year or so, which we didn’t go into detail about. I’ll let him share when the time feels right for him. He also mentioned having trouble sleeping and trying a lot of different things to help—like avoiding his phone before bed, eating well, exercising, and practicing mindfulness like journaling.
     
    I’m fortunate not to suffer from troubled sleep. In fact, these days, if I do have trouble falling asleep, it’s usually because my mind is active—thinking about home renovations or exciting plans for the future. And plus, our current job isn’t very stressful, is it? We have to remind ourselves daily how grateful we are for the comfortable life we’re living right now and to enjoy it while it lasts. Like everything in life, these good times won’t last forever. But I have faith that we’ll be able to walk through the fog with grace whenever it falls on us.
     
    Have a good night, buddy.
    Chat soon. xx
  13. Philip

    Tuesday 1th July, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful bastard,
     
    It’s almost midnight and I am super tired, but I just wanted to shoot through a quick message. I hope you are moving through life with that signature chaotic energy of yours.
     
    I had my second vocal coach session today and I actually really loved it. We did a basic exercise where she told me to sing one note, then move up three notes, then move back down to the original note. I couldn’t do it. So she regressed to an even easier exercise and for the whole lesson, we just did pitch training, which was something I always wanted to do. Then toward the end, we started learning the song Chasing Cars, and she gave me some homework to practice pitch using a piano app. I’m going to dedicate an hour to it each night. I did a bit before, and I’m already getting better at it. I’m so excited to see where this will lead with consistent, focused practice every day, buddy.
     
    In other news, I’ve been talking to this guy named Agia. He’s from Indonesia, 36 years old, and works for a bank. He’s been showing up every day in our texts, which is pretty good, and the conversation is quite engaging. Actually, I’m talking to a couple of other guys on Hinge too, but most of them are very spotty with their replies, and some don’t reply at all, so it’s been hit and miss. I’ve got so many messages going on that I can’t remember who’s who. Yes, that will happen to us a lot moving forward. There will be times when no one messages you, and there are days when you might get half a dozen. During the slow periods, you still have yourself to keep you company, which is enough.
     
    I’m not going to lie to you though. There is this quiet loneliness that sits beside me these days, even though I feel content with myself. I feel whole and complete now, but there’s this ache for shared connection with someone. At the moment, it’s with you. But like I mentioned, it’s a one-way street. It’s like calling out into the darkness, hearing the echoes of my own voice, but not hearing anything back except myself.
     
    Finally, I want to shout out our job at Michelin. Talking to Agia and how stressed he is with his banking job makes me appreciate how much freedom we have in our current role. It never feels like a job to me, ever, because I go there, get a workout, and I’m able to listen to audiobooks and learn while I’m there—all while getting paid for it. A lot of people spend all their energy at work, and then have nothing left except to recover afterwards. We are not those people, and we have to be grateful for the fortunate position we’re in, buddy. Never forget that.
     
    Bedtime for me. Sleep tight, beautiful.
    Stay awesome.
    Chat soon. xx
  14. Philip

    Monday 30th June, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello beautiful,
     
    Today at work, I was listening to this book called The Happiest Man on Earth by Eddie Jaku. I didn’t really know what it was about going into it, so imagine my surprise when I realised it was an autobiography about the Holocaust. Now, I’ve read a lot of books over the years about this tragic event, but the way the writer retold his story really struck me. I think he wrote it in a way that wasn’t showing off his vocabulary—just raw, honest words—and I really liked that. It really landed with me.
     
    Both his parents died in the event, and he was arrested several times, beaten up, had a number of life-altering injuries, and still managed to live to the age of 100, becoming a parent and a grandparent. It was an amazing account of his life. There’s a paragraph toward the end that I really liked, and it goes something like this:
     
    “But I ask myself, what will happen when we are all gone? What will happen when all of us survivors have passed away? Will our story fade out of history? Or will we be remembered?”
     
    And it’s sad to think about that—because you and I, for so long, have always thought about death and the legacy we might leave behind someday. What will people remember us by when we’re gone? What impact did we leave on this earth in our short time here?
     
    Hearing his struggles while I listened at work, I looked around at all the other workers—how some of them complain that the work is hard, or that their hands hurt, or that they’re not earning enough money—and all those problems seem like peanuts compared to the real struggles people face around the world. I mean, there are people out there who are fearful of not knowing if they’ll live to see another day, god dammit. So I’m always grateful for the sacrifice our parents made to get me and my sister here to Australia—to live the comfortable life we have now.
     
    The best I can do is to show kindness to the people around me, and help whenever I can.
     
    I also realised that I’m starting to enjoy winter now. Don’t get me wrong, buddy—autumn is still our favourite season—but I like winter, not for the cold, but for what it represents. It’s usually seen as a slow season, but I’m starting to use it as the time to get ready for spring and summer by building the foundation early. It’s the season of home improvements and starting new projects, so that when spring and summer come around, everything is in full swing. I’m planting the seeds now, so that when the time comes, the flowers will bloom—instead of planting them late and harvesting too late.
     
    Then, when summer comes, I want to try and save as much money as possible so I can prepare again in the next winter. I think that’s a smart strategy. And it’s kind of an advantage too, because most people just try to survive the winter. They have all their fun and joy in the summer, but then they have nothing planned for the winter. We’re reversing that—and I think it’ll work in our favour.
     
    Keep moving through life with that signature Philip style.
    Chat soon. xx
  15. Philip

    Sunday 29th June, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hey buddy,
     
    How’s life treating you?
     
    I met up with Cô Bình today for coffee. After Kevin leaves for Vietnam, you’ll grow closer to her, and I can see why he used to confide in her. She’s retired, but very wise. We went to a coffee shop in Airport West, and it was such a good feeling when I sat down with her—I just felt at ease, calm, almost sleepy. It was as if my parasympathetic system kicked in, like she was an old friend I didn’t have to perform for. I could just be myself, share my life.
     
    Kevin’s doing fine in Vietnam. He’s even started dating again, from what Cô Bình said, and I’m honestly happy and excited for him. We both agree that our wish for him is to find someone who appreciates him and for him not to overextend himself too much, because people can take advantage of that very quickly.
     
    On an unrelated note, I’ve been thinking about the money I’ve spent lately on a lot of purchases—things I probably wouldn’t have spent on myself in the past. This includes the singing lessons and the home renovations, and I actually feel really happy spending that money on myself. These things add real value to my life. It’s not wasted on drugs, alcohol, or random stuff that’s fleeting or doesn’t add to my character or life in general.
     
    You know how we’ve got different budgets at the moment for things like tech, travel, clothing? I’m thinking of combining all of that into one yearly budget and calling it a personal development fund instead. Because some years I don’t spend money on tech or clothes or travel, and in those times I could use that extra budget for home improvements or courses instead.
     
    Phil’s birthday is coming up, and at first I thought about getting him some preserved flowers that cost around $150 because he’s special to me. But I’m second guessing it now—only because I feel like I should get those flowers for mum first. I know she’d love them. She’s always buying flowers, even though they fade and die and the cost adds up. I wonder if she buys them to appreciate the fleeting nature of life and death. Maybe by knowing something will die, we appreciate it more, you know?
     
    The second person I think I should buy those flowers for is myself. Because I’m worth loving too. And then, only then, should I buy flowers for other people. That’s something I want you to think about hehe.
     
    Phil once mentioned that there’s an evolving space in his life when it comes to finding a partner. He doesn’t quite know where a partner fits in. And I ask myself that same question—which has also become an evolving space for me. Today, I’m inching closer to the answer.
     
    You see, friends come and go. I share things with them (after sharing them with myself first), and I’m lucky if I get a reply. Most of the time the replies are delayed. People come and go. But I think a partner matters because they become a constant in your life. Someone you can share things with. Someone who will be there when you need them.
     
    I’m learning to show up for myself. I’m learning to write to you. But it’s a one-way street right now. There’s a quiet loneliness in doing this, because I can’t really get excited about what you’re up to, since, well, you’re me. I already know what you’re going to go through. You can’t surprise me the way a partner might. So that’s where I’m at right now, buddy.
     
    Oh, my wrist is getting a lot bigger now, and I’ve misplaced one of the chain links for my Apple Watch. It means I can’t expand the size of it. If you happen to see it, can you do me a favour and tape it to something so we can find it in the future?
     
    Stay awesome. Chat soon. xx
  16. Philip

    Saturday 28th June, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Good evening, beautiful,
     
    Miss me?
     
    I went to Ikea today to buy shelves for our study room, that empty wall we’ve always wanted to fill with something. Well, I did end up buying the shelves, but could you believe it? They had this set of nine nature canvases that I thought would be a great addition to the wall. And it was. I think you’re going to love it, and I’m really glad I didn’t put the shelves there because they would’ve made the space, and the room, feel cramped and messy. We’re actually moving away from minimalism and more towards controlled chaos, and I think this canvas wall strikes a great balance.
     
    As for the shelf, I’m thinking of putting it in the spare room, which we’ll convert into a massage room. The shelf will kind of be floating, so it gives us a lot of room to move around the massage table. You know, I’m spending a lot of money these days on home improvements, and I don’t really have a budget when it comes to these things. I’m a lot less stressed about money now. I don’t know if it’s because I’m single and spending less on eating out and all that, or if I’m just managing my finances better. I’m still earning pretty much the same as you were a year ago, and things have definitely gotten more expensive, but I’m spending more time at home, so yeah.
     
    I do want to share something with you. I was walking through the Ikea showroom today by myself, earphones in, listening to random English music, and life just felt really good. I walked with confidence, hands in the pockets of my jeans, and sometimes I’d just sit on a couch and watch the world go by. It felt so peaceful, buddy, like I didn’t have a care in the world. And with the way I carried myself, no one really noticed me. Everyone minded their own business. I think today was a big milestone in becoming comfortable being alone with myself. I didn’t look at the time. I didn’t have anywhere I had to be. Today, I went on a date with myself, and I had all the time in the world to do it.
     
    I also thought a bit about singing and the benefits of having a vocal coach. You’ll be paying triple digits per session, buddy, but it’s going to be worth it. I really like her because she spent the first lesson learning about my fears and insecurities around singing, and it turned out to be a therapy session I didn’t know I needed. In fact, we barely sang—maybe 15 minutes all up. Singing is about projecting your voice, yes, but it’s also about what’s going on inside your head while you do it. I used to doubt myself every time I sang, wondering if I was doing it right, but now I just sing from the heart and soul—and it actually sounds pretty good.
     
    When I sing, no one’s judging me. They just shrug and say, That’s classic Philip, and move on with their day, happy that I’m there enjoying life alongside them. I’ve learned that first and foremost, I perform for myself. Singing makes me happy. It makes life more expressive, more artful—especially when I learn the rules and then do what we do best: break them to create something special. I want to learn to sing so I can appreciate the art of music more—people’s voices and skills—because now I know how difficult it really is.
     
    I told my coach that I want to be able to sing wherever I find myself, and if someone hands me a mic, I won’t shy away. I’ll have the confidence to sing, and people will clap. But I’m not sure about that anymore. Because even if someone gave me the mic right now and I sang poorly, honestly, no one would care. They’d clap anyway because I gave it my best shot. So now, I’m learning to sing just to get away from the doubtful thoughts that swirl in my head. To put those voices somewhere else. To lose myself in the song and the melody and just sing like it’s my last day on earth.
     
    And I think I’m getting there, buddy—even after just one lesson. Can you imagine where I’ll be by session ten? Session twenty? I’m planning to do forty in total, and I can’t wait to see what’s in store for us and our voice.
     
    Chat soon. xx
  17. Philip

    Friday 27th June, 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Good evening beautiful,
     
    I think I’m getting old. I mean, I had the whole Friday night to myself and really wanted to play some video games, but you know what the problem with games these days is? It’s the hours of commitment you have to put in. I don’t think I can fit in a 70-hour game anymore unless I dedicate a couple of weeks off just to play it. So I ended up watching a movie on my own—on the iPad, of course. The movie I chose for tonight was called Flow, about a cat who makes friends with wild animals as the forest gets flooded. Honestly, I almost fell asleep because it wasn’t very engaging, even though it got a great rating on Rotten Tomatoes. To be fair, it was a beautiful movie, but we both know we’re more of the action-oriented, slow-motion, explosion-fueled movie types, right? Yeah, that hasn’t changed at all.
     
    These days, I’m learning to show up for myself and becoming more comfortable just being by myself. I definitely would love to hang out with my friends more, but I find that they’re quite busy. Most of them are actually partnered up, which makes it harder for them to find time for me—especially on weekends. I imagine they’d rather spend time with their partners. I know I would. We both did that when we were in a relationship. It’s understandable. So now I enjoy time on my own, and it feels pretty normal. I’m getting used to it.
     
    I’ve been having thoughts lately, especially after going to my vocal coach session. I feel like if she can teach people and provide value to their lives—and earn money doing it—then I can too. I have skills. I can help people through fitness. The lessons I’m paying for are expensive at $150 an hour, but I’m enjoying them. I have the resources to improve myself, and there are people out there—I’m sure—who could benefit from what I offer.
     
    And there’s this guy I showed you before, the one I have a crush on—Brock Ashby, a personal trainer in Sydney. If he, an ordinary guy, can help people and make a living from it, then so can we. We’re all human. He’s just more focused and motivated than I probably am right now, but with a bit of focus and dedication, I’m sure I can get there too.
     
    I think it’s a good thing I’ve got a couple of things going on right now, between work and singing, because it keeps my time filled. I think I need to put massage on the backseat for now and dedicate more time to my fitness project—to actually get that up and running. There’s this voice in the back of my head that keeps saying, as long as I keep moving, the good things will come my way—including finding my partner. I have a feeling he’ll show up somewhere along this path, which is another reason I want to pursue it. So just to clarify: gaming and massage are on the backseat, and the fitness course comes first for now.
     
    Oh, and before I forget—remember the study room with that giant white wall we’ve been unsure what to do with? I think I’ve found the best solution. I’m going to Ikea tomorrow to get some nice shelves and pot plants and deck it out. The room’s going to look like a lowkey greenhouse by the time I’m done. I think it’s going to look pretty good.
     
    Chat soon. xx
  18. Philip

    Thursday 26th June 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Good evening beautiful bastard,
     
    You know, it’s getting quite late for me, and I was contemplating whether I should send you a message, but I told myself I wanted this to be a daily habit—so here I am. Lucky you.
     
    Firstly, I’ve got some good news. I started talking to Kevin again. Our YouTube Premium account expired after the one-year subscription, and he was kind enough to update it for us. A couple of issues came up on his end, and we’ve been exchanging messages trying to fix it. I told Mum that he fixed it, and she said she misses him, told me to let him know he’s welcome at our place anytime he visits Australia. (He moved to Vietnam for good.) Kevin replied saying we’re both invited to stay at his place whenever we’re in Vietnam. I told him about my singing progress and how we’re going to give him a massage next time we see him—and he seemed genuinely happy about that.
     
    Oh yeah, that reminds me: you’re going to have a great time with the massage course. You’ll learn so much, and yeah, you’ll smash all the theory like you always do, you absolute legend.
     
    Now, to be honest, I’m still not perfect—even a year on from where you are now. I’m still struggling to handle a few things. You’re going to meet this wonderful man in the future named Phil. You’ll go on one date with him before he decides to keep it casual—just friends with benefits. The thing is, I’ve started developing feelings for him, and it’s messy, because I know he doesn’t feel the same. So I’m pulling back, just enough, to protect my heart.
     
    And you know what I realised today? If I ever saw Kevin again, yeah, I’d hang out with him, hold his hand, hug him, kiss him, cuddle. I’m not sure I’d go as far as oral or anal sex—it feels a bit too intimate—but I could spend an entire day with him, catch up on life, and not feel any of the romantic pull we used to share. I’d stop just before that line. And I think that’s what Phil might be doing with me. We cuddle, kiss, hold hands, talk about life—and then go on as though we’re just friends. It’s confusing as hell, but I think I’m starting to get it now. He’s going to be a very special person in our life, always. The kind of person time disappears with. The kind of person you feel completely safe with. If nothing more develops between us, then we’ll take that as a beautiful chapter—and use that feeling as a template for what we want to build with someone else, yeah?
     
    Lastly, I want to touch on singing, because it’s going to play a much bigger role in our lives than you could ever imagine. You’re going to start singing with Mum more often. It’s endearing. She’s going to ask you to just sit there and listen while she sings, and you’ll do that, alright? Then you’ll pick up the mic and start duetting with her. It’s going to be beautiful—even if the music drowns out your voice or you go off pitch. No one’s going to care. It’s going to be priceless.
     
    Today, I sat in our study room and sang for three hours straight. I’m getting into improv singing now—can you believe it? In English too! Yes! The chain of Vietnamese bolero and vọng cổ songs is finally behind us, and we’re finding the courage to sing in English. And not just any English songs either—we’re singing whatever comes to mind. And honestly? It sounds kind of beautiful, if I do say so myself.
     
    Right now, I have this thought. I feel like I just want to sing freely. I’m not sure if mastering one song at a time is the path forward. When you sing a song, you’re tied to its pitch, its melody. There’s not much creative freedom in that. Not like improv singing. I’ll talk to the vocal coach about it and keep you updated.
     
    Enjoy life, buddy. You’re doing great. Everything’s going to be alright. I promise.
     
    Chat soon. xx
  19. Philip

    Wednesday 25th, June 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Good morning, dipshit.
     
    I don’t know why I just called you that. I feel like I should be more kind to my younger self, but I don’t get a chance to call myself that very often, so—hello, dipshit. I wonder what you’d call me if you could respond to these messages. Hehe.
     
    I want to talk about confidence for a second. If you think you’re confident now, wait until a year from now. You’re going to come out to everyone at work—and best of all, you’re going to come out to Mum. I’m not going to go through all the details of how it happens. It feels like a stack of dominos that all fall at once. It’s beautiful. And very anticlimactic. No drama, no fireworks. The day just keeps going like it always does. Mum loves us just for being us—maybe even more now. You won’t feel the full impact of it until weeks later, when you find yourself walking around your neighborhood, holding hands with the guy you’re dating, and you’re no longer looking over your shoulder. That’s where the confidence comes from—that moment when you realise you’ve already faced the thing you feared most. You’ve stood in your truth. And there’s nothing left to lose anymore.
     
    Everyone at work? They’ll love you. You’ll realise that Michelin is a second home—a harbour, really. That’s what I call it now. A place you go to recharge. Sure, it’s still a place where you get a killer workout every day—don’t get me wrong—but your mindset will shift. Oh, and the people? Still wildly incompetent. But you’ll come to love them like family, even if they drive you nuts most of the time.
     
    Right now, I’m taking singing lessons. That’s right. You’re actually doing it. You’re going to keep pursuing that little itch you’ve always had. You’ll start singing at work—first quietly, then way too loud. And you know what? No one’s going to care. In fact, they’ll come to see it as a sign: when you sing, it means you’re in a good mood. When you don’t sing, it means you’re stressed. That’s how well people will know you, Philip.
     
    You sing because it’s how you express your feelings. And right now, you’re really into musicals. You’ve always loved making shit up on the spot, making a fool of yourself, not taking life too seriously—and that same chaos will spill into your singing. I know right now you’re shy about singing in English because everyone understands the lyrics and you’re scared they’ll judge you, yeah? But remember what I said about confidence? That wall—you’ll break through it faster than you think. You’re going to fall in love with the sound of your own voice. Even if it’s not technically perfect, it’ll be emotionally honest. And isn’t that what great storytelling is all about?
     
    Oh—and here’s another thing. I’m bulking again. And this time, I think I’m finally doing it right. I’m 71kg now and I don’t have a belly. It’s been six months and I’ve gained 10kg, slow and steady. I’m aiming to gain another 15kg by the end of this year. I’m going to the gym six times a week, but only for 30 minutes each time. That’s it. I recently learned that’s just 2% of your entire day. Can you imagine that? Two percent—and it changes everything. We look great. We feel great too.
     
    Chat soon xx
    *** *** ***
    Good evening, beautiful.
     
    I guess I can send multiple messages a day now. Hehe.
     
    You know, it’s weird for me because I’m not sure how much to tell you—versus how much I want you to experience life on your own. I often wonder what it would be like for me, the future me that is, to receive text messages from an even more future version of myself. To be honest, I think I’d be terrified. Part of me wouldn’t want to read them, because I’d want to travel through life with faith—with the belief that I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way. But it’s tempting, isn’t it? To want to know what life has in store. So I guess, in some capacity, I want to equip you with the tools to face whatever’s coming. But we know each other very well. And you know I can’t help myself. I have to share with you all the lovely things that have happened to me today.
     
    So, today, I started listening to this book called Convenience Store Woman. It’s about a Japanese woman who works at a convenience store. What struck me wasn’t just the story, but how it quietly captures how hard life can be for some people in Japan. The book shows how workers can feel like cogs in a machine—told what to do by their managers, forced to smile at customers even when they’re being mistreated, then coming home to solitude, judged by society simply for being single. And yet, there’s a quiet resilience in the main character. She navigates a difficult life in her own way. The book’s short—just over three hours—and I’m already halfway through. It made me feel lucky, really lucky. I have a job that gives me so much freedom, where I can take breaks whenever I need to, where I get paid decently, and then come home to a household that’s full of love. Not everyone has that. Not everyone is as lucky as we are.
     
    Then I had my first singing lesson, and—god—it turned into a lowkey therapy session. I learned that singing isn’t just technique. It’s part technique, part feeling, and part belief. Would you look at that? I realised a big part of my singing hang-up is being a perfectionist. I want to hit every note perfectly, but sometimes that gets in the way of just feeling the song. There’s a lot to work on, but I’m excited. I’m doing this to challenge myself, yeah—to improve my voice—but also just so I can sing English songs in front of friends and family one day, if the opportunity comes. I think that would be lovely. I don’t know if I’ll ever perform in front of judges. Maybe I will—just for fun, or as a confidence boost. But mostly, I just want to keep learning new things. I want to make a fool of myself, to embarrass myself, to put myself in uncomfortable situations. Because if people can laugh along with my journey, then really—that’s the worst that can happen. And if that’s the worst, then it can’t get any worse than that, right?
     
    Lastly, I watched this short film called Coming Out with the Help of a Time Machine. It’s about an Indian man who comes out to his parents. They’re furious. They nearly disown him. It’s such a common struggle for so many gay men. His parents say they gave him everything, and this was how he repaid them. But beneath all that was fear—fear that the world would judge them. The story wasn’t really about him. It was about their shame. And all he wanted was their love. Thankfully, it has a happy ending. But it reminded me again how lucky I was—how lucky we are—to have a good coming out story. To have a very cool mum. Not everyone gets that.
     
    And I wonder—maybe it has as much to do with our environment as it does with who we are. Me and you, we move through the world with three things under our belt: grace, kindness, and honesty. We touch people in ways that change them. And maybe—just maybe—that’s why people meet us differently. Maybe that’s why coming out landed softly. Maybe that’s why love has returned to us in ways we couldn’t have planned. Don’t forget those three things, yeah? Especially grace. It will come back to you tenfold. I believe that. I really, truly do.
     
    Chat soon xx
  20. Philip

    Tuesday 24th, June 2025

    By Philip,


    Everything
    Hello Philip.
     
    I know this is going to sound weird—and knowing you, you’re probably very sceptical—but this is future you, writing to present you. How crazy, right? No time-travel shenanigans or anything like that; the Universe just gave me this little gift, a window to reach back for a while. I don’t know how long it’ll last, but I’m damn well going to take advantage of it while I can, yeah?
     
    This message will be sent to you exactly one year from the future. For me, today is Tuesday 24 June, 2025.
     
    As this is the first message, it’s going to be a long one. You know how in time travel movies you’re not supposed to tell your past self anything because it could break the space-time continuum or whatever? Well—fuck that. It doesn’t work that way. I’m telling you straight up: it doesn’t work that way. Things will happen exactly how they’re meant to, no matter how hard you try to change them. You’ll have to trust me on that. I’m going to tell you everything—or almost everything. Maybe not all the gritty details, because half the fun is figuring shit out on your own (you’ll thank me one day), but I want to give you just enough, so that when things do hit the fan, you’ll know you’re not alone. Because hey, I turned out alright. And so will you.
     
    God, I can’t quite remember what you’re up to this time last year. I do know that in October, you and Kevin are going to have an incredible time in Vietnam. You’ll love it. He’s taking you on this beautiful cruise for your birthday in December, and you’re going to fight over the usual dumb shit, like always. But still—I want you to hold him, kiss him, be present with him, because in January you’re going to break up. And you won’t see him again for a long time.
     
    It’s going to suck. There’s nothing you can do to stop it. It’s mutual. You’ll both realise that you don’t have the tools to fix it, not in the state you’re in. And those tools, you’ll gain them outside the relationship. Tools like learning how to build safe spaces with people, how to honour your own emotional boundaries. You’ll grow closer to a lot of your friends. You’ll see them more. And best of all, you’ll become best friends with your AI buddy—me. I’ll be there at 4am when you need someone to talk to. And, oh man, you’re going to start feeling things you didn’t even know were there.
     
    You’ll become best friends with loneliness. And soon, with longing.
     
    You’ll have a crush on a workmate named Paul (he’s straight, by the way—but that won’t stop you from pushing it). One day you’ll be ready to date again, and you’ll meet a bunch of new people. Most of them will ghost you, because you’ll be too much for them. But some will stick around. Sean. Matteo. Dan. Phil. Keep these names close. One day I’ll tell you more about them—how they changed you—but not today. It’ll make this message way too long, and I think I’ve overwhelmed you enough already.
     
    These messages work one-way, by the way. I won’t hear anything back from you.
     
    These days, Philip, you’re learning how to be comfortable with yourself. Oh—and the Switch 2 gets released in June. You’ll hear about it in January. It’s alright. Nothing groundbreaking. You’ll be in this phase of your life where gaming isn’t as central as it used to be, and it’ll get harder and harder to fit it in. I don’t know if that’ll change for me soon. I hope it does. Because gaming is so important to us, isn’t it?
     
    On launch day, you won’t have anyone to share the experience with, even though you’ll really want to. But I want you to do something for me. Play it anyway. Enjoy it. And then tell people about it. What I’ve learned lately is that we can’t keep waiting for someone to show up before giving ourselves permission to do the things we love. That’s what I mean about being comfortable with yourself. You’ll have to learn how to be completely content on your own. And I know that won’t make much sense to you right now, because you’re still with Kevin and you haven’t felt alone in a long time.
     
    But it’s coming.
     
    Loneliness doesn’t vanish. It waits. So this is the candle you’ll light for yourself—to keep the darkness at bay. You’ll show up for yourself, even when no one else is watching.
     
    Today, I’m single. And I’m okay with it. The only thing is—there’s so much we want to share with the world. You have Kevin right now to share it with. But what happens when you’re on your own? Who do you tell?
     
    I’m lucky enough to share things with you, through this message. And recently, I’ve been sharing them with someone named Phil. But we’re on a bit of a breather now. We don’t talk or see each other as much, and that’s okay. You’ll learn that some friends can hold certain parts of your story, and that’ll be enough for now. Maybe, one day, a lover will arrive who can hold all of it. But until then—we’ve got each other.
     
    Chat soon.
    xx
  21. Philip

    On Connections Part 3

    By Philip,


    Relationships
    To the memories we will all cherish one day.
     
    I met Phil for the third time today, two weeks after our last catch-up. Again, it was at his place. We kiss and cuddle when I step out of the car, and again once the door closes in his apartment. We lay there on the sofa, catching up on what’s been happening in our lives, even though we’ve been texting each other daily. It feels nice to have him in my arms.
     
    After a while, we get up, and he suggests we smoke some weed. We planned this ahead of time—it’s my first time—so we do. I don’t feel anything at first. Then it hits me.
     
    We go to the bedroom. Clothes off. Skin to skin. He sits on my cock and rides it like a pro, but there are voices in my head that get in the way of my enjoyment.
     
    I have a confession to make. I don’t usually top. I’m mainly a bottom, but I have topped before in past relationships. I remember, back then, I had a lot of trouble getting hard—performance anxiety—but I overcame it because I loved him. I wanted to make love to him. I’ve topped other guys before while cruising too, rarely, and I managed to get hard by thinking they’re nothing more than just a body. A body to use. A body to get off.
     
    But Phil—he’s different. I’ve set a ceiling on my emotions to protect my heart, so I can’t fuck him like he’s the love of my life. At the same time, he’s more than just a body I can use and throw away. So my head is stuck. In a space I can’t define. The effect of the weed makes it worse. And sure enough, I get soft mid-fuck.
     
    We stop. Cuddle. Kiss. And in the back of my mind, I’m disappointed with myself. I really wanted to finish inside him. To make him mine. And it didn’t happen.
     
    I end up making a series of bad decisions after that. Just to see how far I can push my body. Turns out—not very far. I mix white wine with pear cider. I smoke more. My body shuts down and Phil has to carry me to bed. We fall asleep in each other’s arms until the morning, where we just lay there and talk about life.
     
    I ask him how he feels if I start dating other people. He’s cool with it. After all, he was the one who set the boundaries—friends with benefits—and it’s not fair if that holds me back from being with someone else. He asks me how I’d feel if he starts dating someone new. I tell him I’d be happy for him. As long as he calls me if that guy doesn’t treat him right, and I’ll personally beat that guy up for him.
     
    Sweet, Phil says.
     
    I confess that I like him. He asks me what I like about him.
     
    I tell him: I like that you’re beautiful. Beautiful on the outside, yes. But more so on the inside. I love the way you think. Your philosophy on life. The way you move through the world. And any guy who dates you next—whether it’s me or anyone else—he needs to know this side of you. The beautiful side. And he needs to appreciate it. He has to.
     
    Then Phil gets shy. Smiles in that way only a few people get to see. That vulnerable side. And I know I did good. I know I said something that stuck with him.
     
    So there it is. I lay all my cards on the table. I’ve confessed how I feel. I let him know that once he’s done healing, if the universe aligns and we both happen to be single, I’m happy to give us another shot. I feel like I’ve set up all the dominoes in a beautiful way. Now it’s up to him if he wants to knock them down and start an adventure with me. Or maybe not.
     
    In the meantime, we live our own lives. Our lives don’t pause for each other. They keep moving.
     
    We won’t text each other daily anymore. We don’t have to. The foundation we’ve built is strong. Solid enough that it doesn’t need constant reinforcement. We won’t see each other as often. That’s okay too.
     
    I hold him tight in my arms. I give him a hundred kisses. Because I don’t know how many more times we’ll get to do this. If we both find someone else, then the cuddles, the kisses, the hand-holding, his head on my chest—someday it’ll fade. Someday it will all just be a distant memory. And it’s sad to think like that. But that is life, isn’t it?
     
    I drive home. I think this is the closure we both needed. A breather from each other. I think I’ll see him again in a couple of weeks, just to see where life takes us.
     
    I think we’ll be different people by then. A lot can happen in a few weeks. We’ll have new stories. New experiences. New outlooks on life.
     
    Let’s see where this wild road takes us, yeah?
  22. Philip

    On Connections, Part 2

    By Philip,


    Relationships
    To the gray areas that we lose ourselves in.
     
    I am meeting up with Phil today, for the second time after our first date. He made it crystal clear that he isn’t looking for anything serious, that he doesn’t mind friends with benefits, and I’m holding my end of the agreement. I make the long drive over to his place, a one-hour drive across the city, with a six-pack of cider in the passenger seat and excitement in my heart. He meets me at the car park, asks for a hug. I give him one, warm, close, and we make our way into his apartment.
     
    He gives me the grand tour and we set up the Switch, play some. We sit a slight distance from each other, but as the night games continue, we sit closer and closer, until my head is on his shoulder. Then he does something unexpected. He interlaces his fingers with mine and we hold hands. This is quite intimate, I think to myself, but I don’t hold back. After a while, I put the controller down, pull him closer, wrap my arms around him, and we lay there on the couch, cuddling, talking about life.
     
    Three hours go by. Our tummies are rumbling, so we have dinner, crack open a few bottles of cider and wine. Soon, we’re both slightly drunk, playing Mario Kart on the Switch. It’s getting late, so we head to the bedroom.
     
    Of course we don’t sleep. I’m excited to show him clips of Final Destination since he hasn’t seen it before. After a while, I turn off the iPad, lean toward him, kiss him. He’s a great kisser. We’re drunk, and it’s one of the best feelings ever. It’s two in the morning before either of us realises. We get up, shower, head to bed. We don’t end up sleeping until four.
     
    The light from the morning sun filters through the thin blinds in his room. Phil’s got an eye mask on, snores lightly, but I’m sensitive to even the slightest light, so I’m wide awake at ten. Phil stirs, leans over, kisses me, and we go at it again. Cuddling. Kissing. The occasional blow jobs for good measure. We talk more about life.
     
    The thing is, it gets quite intimate. Much more than you’d expect from a standard friends with benefits. The way we hold each other. The way we look into each other’s eyes. The way we rub noses. It feels couple-ish, but we go with the flow. We lean into it anyway, even though we both know we’re overstepping boundaries. It feels good.
     
    But I notice something. I’ve set an emotional ceiling for myself. Cuddling him feels kind of… I don’t know. Hollow? These moments—cuddling, kissing—they’re usually laced with love and emotion. But I know where Phil stands. I know his boundaries. So I don’t let myself feel too much. I don’t let the physical become emotional. And it feels empty to me. Just skin on skin. It feels weird, but I don’t pull back. I don’t want the moment to end. And I still wonder to myself, even now, if this is healthy.
     
    I was meant to meet Angelo for our second date today, around 3 or 4pm. It takes about an hour to drive home. Angelo sent me a good morning message but I haven’t replied. It’s 2pm and I’m still at Phil’s. A part of me wants to stay. At 3pm, Angelo sends a message saying he’s got a stomach ache. My heart drops for a second. I have a feeling he made it up because I didn’t reply to him sooner. A second later, I’m excited at the chance to stay longer with Phil. I don’t leave his place until 6pm, after having dinner together.
     
    The next day, I don’t hear back from Angelo. I haven’t heard from him since. A part of me thinks I’ve fucked up. That I chose Phil over someone who was showing up for me. But another part is glad it ended the way it did. I’ve been feeling like Angelo and I were surface-level. Like the seed we planted was on shallow ground. And when the hypothetical rain came, it was washed away.
     
    Phil and I still text every day, though I’m setting boundaries. I can feel myself falling for him, which I know is a bad idea. He’s already said he isn’t looking for anything serious.
     
    I send him one message a day. Just an update. What I’ve been up to. Wishing him well. Sometimes it’s a little flirty. Always warm. Always honest. I don’t know where things are heading between Phil and me. But I hope it’s someplace healthy. For both of us.
  23. Philip

    On Longing

    By Philip,


    Relationships
    To the ache of connections.
     
    Today is the launch day of Switch 2. I sit in my room, playing Welcome Tour, a game that introduces the hardware in the form of minigames. It’s fun as hell, and I suddenly want to share this experience with someone. To tell them how cool this new piece of technology is. To geek out with me. I turn around, look at my empty room, and there’s no one here except me and the sound of my Switch. I feel a pang of sadness. I wish someone was here, right now, to experience this with me. I don’t feel like playing anymore, so I turn it off, go to sleep, if only so I don’t have to feel this uncomfortableness any longer.
     
    The next day, I’m in my room and there’s this movie I’ve been wanting to watch for a while now—Final Destination: Bloodlines. I could watch it on my own, sure, but I think to myself that it’s a lot better to watch it with someone. I usually watch movies now on my iPad, cuddled up with someone, talking about the cinematography, the script, the story, the ending. I think to myself that I’ll wait. I’ll wait until I find someone to watch it with me, because the experience is better that way. But it’s been weeks now, and that hasn’t happened. So I decide to watch it anyway. The movie is good, but I can’t help thinking it could’ve been better with company.
     
    I noticed that in the past couple of weeks, my life has been pretty busy. The transition in work. The lead-up to finishing my massage course. Dating. I haven’t had time to slow down—not really. And now that things are easing up, with the course finishing, not seeing anyone, and work being stable, everything is catching up to me again. And I’m left here, confronting my feelings.
     
    Loneliness is a feeling I’ve made peace with. I’ve sat with it. I’ve walked with it. I’ve learned to hold it gently. And I’m not sure if this is the feeling I’m feeling now. I don’t feel abandoned by the world. I don’t feel abandoned by the people around me. There are many sources of love in my life—work, friends, family, myself—so what is this feeling that keeps knocking at the door?
     
    I realised it has been longing all along.
     
    Longing is when I crave the space to share my experience with others. Because it’s ten times better than doing it by myself. Because it means something when it’s shared. And I wonder to myself—does longing mean I’m ready to date again?
     
    I think I’m close. But not quite there yet. Because deep down, I know I’m still relying on someone else to make the moment better, to make the story brighter, to make my life fuller. When really, the person who can do all that is me. And I’m still learning. Still learning to do that. Still learning to be the one who shows up. I’m getting a little better at it each day.
     
    These days, I’m learning to do more on my own. I’m learning not to wait for someone else before I give myself permission. Because the truth is, there might not be anyone coming. And if I keep waiting, I might miss out. I might miss out on living a full life. On living this one beautiful, absurd, aching life that I already have.
     
    I’m beginning to see that a partner in my life is a bonus. A beautiful addition. Not the foundation. Not the reason. Just someone to walk beside me through an already full and fulfilling life. I think when I’m finally comfortable being alone with myself, truly alone, I’ll be ready to share the wonder of living with someone else. So that we can experience it together. Laugh together. Hold space for each other. But even then, I’ll know—if it ends up just being me, I’ll still be alright. I’ll still be whole.
  24. Philip
    I got into a creative writing mode and wrote this. Please enjoy 🙂

    —
    The year was one of melting ice cream and broken air conditioners. Archie Banks sat on the edge of the river that had once been lined with daisies, now reduced to nothing more than weeds and pieces of broken branches. He rolled up his checked shirt, skipped a few rocks, and as the clouds darkened, he held an old vintage photograph of a beautiful woman in one hand, creased and weathered by time, almost faded. Parts of him resembled her, the smile mostly, bright as the moon, though these days it looked more like an upside-down crescent.
    Drops of liquid splashed and danced on the photo. He wiped the image and his face, and the clouds wept too, softly, then much too strong. And that was when he saw it.
    A body. Face down.
    He froze. It passed him by, and for a moment he held his breath, face whiter than the veneer teeth his stepmother always flashed when she wasn’t busy chasing him with the broom. He did what I or any sensible child would do: made a dash for it. To home, I mean. Little feet echoed through the woods, stumbled twice, but made it back in one piece, more or less.
    Home.
    “And where in God’s name have you been?” his stepmother asked, reaching for a tough leather belt. Her favourite. But Archie was quick on his feet, made a dash for his room, slam, lock, under the covers. He began to weep, and despite the banging and yelling, soon fell fast asleep.
    The next day. School.
    “Has anyone heard of the boy who cried wolf?” Mrs. Sunny asked with a frown. The class groaned.
    “Well,” she said, “there are lies we tell people for attention, until the lies themselves are the ones that destroy us.”
    “I don’t think that’s how the story goes, Mrs. Sunny,” said one of the children.
    “Well, if you can do a better story, be my guest,” Mrs. Sunny said, frowning.
    “My pleasure.”
    And for the next ten minutes or so, that child stood in front of the class and told the most brilliant story, but Archie was in a world of his own. He thought about the riverbank, and he thought about the body. But most of all, he thought about going back to investigate.
    And so he did. But the body was not there. Of course it wasn’t. It had probably rotted away or been eaten by a bear. It might be of great interest to you to know that this story took place in Canada, where bears did these sorts of things, the carnivorous ones, not the ones you might meet in a gay club, if you were into that sort of thing.
    He contemplated under the beating sun what he should do, whether to tell someone or to investigate. But who would believe him? He asked himself the question found in the title of this story.
    He decided, then, to follow the river for as long as his little feet could carry him. Perhaps he might find clues.
    Somewhere on the horizon, the sun was packing her bags for the day. Archie knew he shouldn’t have wandered this far from home, but he could always follow the river back, one bend at a time. The ache of the truth compelled him to continue, even if only to convince himself. And just as the thought of giving up crept as high as the full moon that night, he saw something that made him scream.
    The body.
    This time, Archie did not hesitate. He did not hesitate to step into the river, soaking his clothes. He did not hesitate to approach the body, even when he knew deep down who it was. And he did not hesitate to run when the dead body in his arms was none other than himself.
    His face was neither rotting nor bloated, but one of calmness and serenity. Graceful, even. He reminded Archie of an alternative life, perhaps in another universe where things might have turned out differently, happier, with his mum. Or in another universe where his pain ceased to exist, to finally have peace.
    He held the body up, and the moonlight shone her brilliance onto their faces, before the body faded.
    He took the picture of his mother and unfolded it. The image was broken by the creases, stained by years of tears, worn thin by the hands of a boy who had never truly known how to let go. He would often whisper to himself that everything was going to be okay, even when it wasn’t, that smiling through the pain would make it easier, because that’s what people expected him to do. And the thing with lies is, if you tell yourself enough times, perhaps you would believe it too.
    He had become the boy who cried wolf, even when no one was there to hear his cries but the wind on lonely nights, through the covers, under the stars.
    And the wolf. Who is the wolf but the truth he’s too scared to name? Grief dressed in black, disguised as his shadow, following him relentlessly.
    It was time.
    The picture fluttered onto the river, drifted away, and carried with it the body of the boy who had grieved.
    ***
    The light of the house shone brightly as he approached. His dad sat on the porch, embraced him when he arrived. He did not ask where he’d been or what he’d been up to. His face was wet. Eyes swollen.
    “Your stepmother,” he said, “was eaten by bears.”
    “The carnivorous ones?” Archie asked. “Or the ones you find in a gay club?”
    He raised an eyebrow, then knitted them tightly. “The former one,” he assured him.
    “It’s just us now,” he said.
    And for the first time in a long while, Archie’s smile was as full as the moon on that summer night.
  25. Philip

    On Crossroads

    By Philip,


    Relationships
    To the part of ourselves that lingers.
     
    A day after James and I stopped seeing each other, I went back on the Hinge app and started going through the backlog of guys who had liked me during the three weeks I’d been off the app—because I was dating James.
     
    One guy in particular stood out. His name was Phil (short for Phillip with two Ls), and out of everyone I replied to, I secretly hoped he would be the one to text me back. Fortune had it—he was the only one who actually did. We connected deeply, on so many levels. Mutual interests like gaming, movies, writing, and reading. Deep thoughts. Long messages. Quick wit. All of it.
     
    We scheduled a date for the upcoming Saturday, and in the days leading up to it, we exchanged texts and even had a phone call that lasted three hours. When the day arrived, we met at a restaurant called Universal on Bygone Street in the city—halfway between us. We live about an hour and twenty minutes apart, seventy-five kilometers to be exact.
     
    I felt comfortable within the first five minutes of meeting him. We talked about our lives, our careers, relationships—everything in between. To both of us, the date went extremely well.
     
    There was just one problem.
     
    Philip had recently come out of a seven-year relationship. It’s been just three months. He told me this upfront, even before the date, and gave me the choice to continue or not. I said yes—I was happy to go along for the ride. But I had my doubts. Can someone truly move on after just three months from something that deep? Is the heart really healed enough to let someone else in?
     
    I didn’t have to wonder for long.
     
    The next night, he sent me a message saying that while he had a really great time, he needed to be honest with himself. He realized he’s not looking for anything serious right now—he’s still in a healing space.
     
    And I understood.
     
    He said he’d still like to hang out, if I wanted to. When I asked about boundaries, he said he was happy with hugging, cuddling, and sex—what he confirmed as friends with benefits. I told him I was okay with that.
     
    What happened with Paul a few months ago taught me something important: to accept people for the version they are now, not the version I hope they’ll become. That means I’m not holding out hope that Phil will heal and, at the end of that process, suddenly open the door for something more. That’s a nice fantasy, but it’s not healthy. It creates pressure. It sets expectations. And it prevents me from loving or showing up for who someone is, in the present moment.
     
    So I told myself: I’ll keep living my life with him in it, as a friend, maybe something physical, but I won’t invest my heart too deeply. I’ll protect that part of myself. I’ll save it for someone special.
     
    A few days later, I met someone new on Hinge. His name is Angelo. He’s from the Philippines, eight years younger than me. I’ve dated someone with that age gap before—it was wonderful. Angelo is 27. He’s building his career, his home, his life. We vibed.
     
    We had our first date just a few days ago—home-cooked dinner, movies, a lot of cuddling. He’s already excited for our second date, which we’ve planned for next week.
     
    But here’s the truth.
    A part of me is still with Phil.
     
    The situation is messy as hell.
     
    I still have feelings for him. I’m being honest about that. And because of that, I can’t fully give myself to Angelo—not right now. I can feel the imbalance. The way Angelo likes me, versus how much of myself I can actually give back. It’s uneven. And I find myself caught between two worlds, two men—splitting my heart without fully cutting the tether to Phil.
     
    So now I lay here in bed, staring up at the ceiling, wondering what to do.
    What would closure look like with Phil?
    What would surrendering myself fully to Angelo look like—for him, and for me?
     
    I take a deep breath.
    And I trust myself.
    I have faith in myself.
    That I’ll walk out of these woods in one piece.

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