Nightwalker

he looks quite a confident guy which makes matters worse because he will try to hide his feelings (I think). He does little things outside his job but I think this is a thing of the present. Maybe the pandemic changed his routines. He is very tired at times, he was sick a couple of times. There are times I worry he's falling apart. Yesterday we did something interesting, maybe the most interesting thing we have done. We went to the theatre together (!) after my initiative. The play was super fun (Le misanthrope). Then we went for a dinner (a burger-style American something with a live). We came closer I can tell (but nothing actually happened). None of us drinks any alcohol so any idea of getting high is doomed. But I did something brave (maybe). He "Complained" that he was the older guy there (which was not true he's in his mid 30s for heavens sake) and everybody else is "youth". So I told him "most of the youth here would think you're sexy not old". It was the first time I saw him looked shocked ever. But he smiled (maybe to hide his surprise). Another thing, when I return home from a time we were together he wants me to text me that I returned which is cute (yet unreasonable). You're right. I try to make small steps, although I'm not sure for where I'm heading too. That guy is a dream. I admire him, he's a role model for me and it's been so long since I had someone to look up to. I'm sick of professors talking about respect and role models when their behaviour disgusts me. He never bothered to talk about respect or any kind of professionalism. You could just see both of them unfold as he acts. You are right we shouldn't wait forever. I also had sex with a guy which was really good but I felt somewhat ehm wrong? I felt like I was cheating on him. I was also thinking of him at some point but I'm afraid that maybe my mind has stucked and I got what I want (him) the passion could fade? I don't know. He feels precious for me. Another strange thing is that I'm a bit scared/afraid. He's very kind to me but I always have in mind never to tell something stupid (in terms of medical knowledge) in front of him. One time, a med student said something REALLY stupid to him and I was like oh no he's triggered now (and he was). He will never yell at anyone, but the way he looks at you feels like he's reading through you.

The world would be a better place if men could express themselves, but all we do these days is talk about women. Many people are blindly ignorant of the huge impact this has on every society. I know there's much bette anime out there. I just finished fullmetal alchemist that I fell in love with. Tokyo Ghoul was okay, but it made fullmetal shine even brighter in my eyes. Thank you for being kind. How long has it been? Well, not that long, since September. And I found him totally by chance. I think bro2bro is cute but calling some brother is a big statement and shouldn't be used or taken lightly. Yeah you are right, I could use some advise. I'm not thaaaat experienced in these things. I know that I need this communication we have, it would hurt a lot if it stopped. I think it evolves but I don't know where it goes. I'm curious and excited about him. I see a confident good looking man, I want more and more. Sometimes I wanna see him naked, I wanna touch him and taste his lips. I jerk off thinking of him. Some other times I'm "calmer". I want him to be proud for me. He changed me somehow I think. There are several things I gained from him, so I can't easily tell you from 1-10 scare what I would give, but I can tell what I believe to have gained. 1) I gained confidence and knowledge 2) I learned to do practical things that I was too afraid to try on my own or even ask 3) I learned how to want to become better and better and 4) I learned to have some fun at times, he made me feel alive again and not just someone who studies-works-sleeps That's very accurate. I always thought the trick in this is to make the other "part" try to chase you. I believe that males like to be in a dynamics of a strong and a weak part where the strong likes to protect and dominate somehow. That is a mental thing however, and those who lack it are of no interest to me. So if this dynamic seems to exist by teasing it it can grow stronger until the other guy actively tries to be with you and understands that things are more complex than the gay-str8 thing. Oh year we're very good with papers. Everyone seems happy and rich on paper. On realiity though these things are far from the truth. I'd like to move to the states but it's hard (passing the USMLE requires money that I don't have right now for example). I don't think that that doctor could survive in my country (unfortunately). That's true.. expressing one's feelings is a big deal. Sometimes I just wanna tell him that I admire him and that although I tend to be tough on my ideas of other people, he's one of the guys that really impress me. I don't want him to think that I'm the guy who flatters. He's just too good. He tries to please everybody, he's fast and good at what he does. Sometimes I wanna ask him if his body hurts because he runs almost constantly throughout the clinic. I always think that he's hurt though. He's on his own. Maybe that's why he's so good, it's the lack of trust to others, possibly due to a bad experience? I wanna hug him so much.

I'm trying but it's not that easy. Some days ago, they asked us which specialty interests us more. A guy said he wants to be a dermatologist and the doctor told me him that this is too gay. And another who wanted to be an urologist he said what's wrong with you, you want to rub dicks? So I can't just being out. I feel that I would be either the "annoying" person that you won't be able to speak freely because he's a "crazed politicial correct dude" or because they would think I'm a woman that pretends the guy. Even worse I've been told to try and have sex with a woman because I'm a sexy guy and I look too healthy to be gay. So, nobody will hit me, punish me physically or kill me, but the emotional part is annoying. Things would be easier if I had a bf right now. Bcz there's no rush about getting out of the closet. These days I'm just a busy guy with no interesting personal life. the most satisfying thing i've done is to watch Tokyo Ghoul on Netflix. Talking about de-closetting, I will serve my military duty in a couple of years and that's kinda stressful. The envrironment will be quite hostile for a gay guy, so I would have to blend somehow. I was always curious why many nurses are gay, while there is no such a stereotype (or tendency) in doctors. In the educational system of my country, if you don't score highly enough to be a doctor you can become a nurse. So one would assume that the percentage of gay doctor would be more or less equal to that of nurses. However from my experience, nurses have higher number of gay people (at least if you can "judge" that by looking at some people). I understand your example. I feel a little privileged being able to see guys undress before the operation room. For me, the worst thing is when a woman flirts me, I really can't do anything. Yeah I do have a big secret. I was always alone when I had a crash on someone. And unlike straight people, where trying to get sexier somehow made you believe you would get the girl, I knew no matter what I did a str8 dude would be a str8 dude. In my uni, nobody would care trust me. There are many flaws that flow uninterrupted. The other day, a professor was calling gay guys abnormal. It took the furious comments of several girls (and guys thankfully) for him to seriously considering of ever using that word again for that purpose.

That's true. I believe because I look masculine I can pay hide and seek. Or maybe I can be a chameleon and blend, but I will always be hiding. So, at least I have a choice. People who can't hide, they don't. On the other hand, maybe it's easier that "someone else made the choice for you". I know some gay people and through them I know some straight friends of them (mostly women and men that are together with these women). It felt weird. Women were easier to accept us, it felt nice back then being able to be with my bf, but I always felt it wrong. It felt as If I had a big secret and risking. True again. I guess I'm the asexual stranger or the closeted gay. I don't know whether people think that a forever single guy is gay or asexual. Well I do use these neat categories 😄 Although I understand that things can be more fluid in that, for a vast plethora of people it's not. From my point of view, sexuality and emotions are largely mental things. But some people don't have that mental capacity. It's like their brain is stuck and for some of them it's highly unlikely that this will change during their lifetime. Some people never change, never evolve. Love reveals, but some people can't love as it seems. About him, he does like that dynamic. It was quite interesting how willingly he changed from considering me his son to consider me his lil' brother. He does call me brother, but only when us being alone. I'm quite sensitive to that topic though. I did have a brother which meant everything to me. Many dudes call each other bro or brother here and it's a generic word to use but it hurts. I don't like it when it's blindly used. I know he puts emotion to it, he uses a different word that means little brother in a single word. On the one hand it's soothing, on the other it hurts. Maybe I need some more time on this. I can't call him brother. I don't think it's a matter of kink though. Wouldn't he push things further and faster should it was just a kink? For a third time, you are right again. We both like that. We never said that aloud but we know we like it. I always hoped that someone would just figure that I'm gay and that without telling he would know and that he would be cool with that. But that never happened. I'm more intrigued about him letting me know him better. As I said he's tough, I make little steps. He's gentle with me, but I don't know. I'm "careful". I believe he has a past that he won't talk much about it. I don't expect anything very exciting, but maybe someone broke his heart. It feels that way. He was gone for years to the States, he surely had something back there.

Maybe I'm overthinking it. I do believe that him being a man (and not a woman) adds to our communication. Maybe men bond easier? And, I really love the big/littler brother dynamic, but is it possible between two stanger adults? Plus, what is he "gaining"? Everyone is getting something. I'm getting knowledge primarily and a nice friend. Does he need a friend too? And a guy like me can be his friend? It could just be me. I always try to think when I'm meeting someone if he could be of sexual/romantic interest. Maybe in a similar way that straight guys think of this with women. I like taking care of him. I love being able to get deep into his feelings and thoughts. That's what I like from my boyfriend (I mean when I have one). i like to "read" them. Another thing, he's a tough guy as I said. It would be nice if he raised that shield and trust me with his vulnerability.

I've never heard the word pussyfoot, but I believe it accurately describes my post. I'm not sure whether I want to do the b part and maybe we're already doing the a part. From my point of view he's somehow interesting in terms of appearance. I love his eyes and I think he's a very cute man. About the dating part I'm not so sure. We don't date but we do some of the things that happen during a date. We have been to the movies, we have had dinner but nothing romantic involved. We've even attended conferences. I think it's more often that we visit his house or we talk at the phone. Sometimes I've slept in his bed in the hospital at shifts (not together) I live in South Europe. So unless someone is really stupid, super religious or whatever no one is going to harm me. But many men can't accept gays. They think they're very difference. It's funny. Men like to have male friends but they want them to be very similar (talk about football and women) but not a man that is gay. They can talk about women but I can't talk about men that I like,that's how I feel it. I don't like some gay guys that have only gay friends. For me, when society accepts you, you can be friends with anyone and not "just your kind". I don't want to fall under a special category of any sort. Well, I attend the hospital at a voluntary basis. It's not one of my duties as a medical student. I just liked anaesthesiologist and asked them if I could attend and the chief said okay and I stuck with the guy I am now because he was kind and willing to teach. So all that, does not affect anything with regards to my student status. No grades or anything and he does not teach as part of his job. When it comes to policies, I doubt you will find anything. He's tough to read. He likes being the hard guy, but he's kind hearted. He doesn't have any pictures in his house (I don't have either but I always thought that having pictures is a thing of the past). He has a big house for one person, but it feels a bit empty. He has tons of notes and books. He moved recently, he used to live abroad and the house is 2 years old (I mean from when he moved and fixed it). I've got the impression that he doesn't want to talk about relationships. Even today he told me that I'm like his son and I told him he's too young for that and he called me little brother. Which unless he has a thing for incest, he wouldn't be calling me brother, would he? He needs to care for someone,that's what I think. He likes being protective.

I made this account because I want to discuss something that I wish I could discuss with my friends. I'm a 24 yo guy, closeted that lives in a slightly homophobic place. They won't take my head for it, but they will say bad things behind my back (though things have greatly improved, I recognise that) So, I'm a medical student. I'm crazy about medicine, it's the best thing that I could ever have. Being a doctor meant everything to me. But I'm kind of a shy guy. I'm not the one who shines in front of the others, I will never be the volunteer for something (like "who wants to try and do that"?). But things changed a bit. I started attending hospital shifts and I was fortunate enough to find the most willing anaesthesiologist ever to show me things. He didn't judge me for being shy, but he's a tough guy. I learned a ton of things by his side. I believe he is what we call a mentor. But I think I have more complex feelings for him. I'm afraid that I've fallen in love. I don't know if he's gay or straight. He's not easy to read. He's like a role model for me though. Fast, good at his job and with a positive attitude. Maybe a bit cocky (he's good and he knows it). He had me do several procedures on patients that other students will never try (because few people are willing to teach, and even fewer to be taught). I've spent endless hours in the hospital. We've come close. He's invited me to his home some times. He's 36yo. He never gave me a hint or anything that he could be gay or interested in me. He works out though, and because i do crossfit we talk about it so we kinda "observe" each other bodies (for instance when we dress/undress before an operation). However, he makes me feel that he feels that I'm something like a son to me. On the one hand that's lovely, on the other that could exclude something further. Me, myself I'm confused too. Am I falling in love or the fact that I'm gay complicates things? Another thing. Something inside me needs to make him feel proud for me. And I believe he wants that too. I'm studying hard because I want him to know that all that time he invested on me was not in vain. Sometimes i wanna ask him, why me? Of all the other medical students. PS. He's not a professor, just a specialist.