ToxicUK

Aftermath - Dealing with Death The next day I woke and felt like a truck had hit me, I was stiff everywhere, my head hurt, my arse throbbed, I'd have wondered if it was a dream but my hole knew otherwise. I realised a little more had leaked out of me in the night. These boxers I just put in the wash and took a shower, where I proceeded to try and scrub every trace of Des off my body, I washed my hair twice, felt like I'd used half a bottle of body wash on my self and laid down on my bed in a towel. I looked for my phone and realised my battery was flat. After charging enough I turned it on to see my gf was wondering if I was OK, I told her I had been sick in the night and would message in a day or two. I also saw my BBRT was open and I suddenly was hit by everything that had now happened to me. I had taken unmedicated toxic full blown aids cum in my arse, I had bled so I knew the chance of infection was now much greater. On top of that according to Des his strain was med-resistant, which means there wasn't much I could do, short of changing my entire lifestyle, diet, everything to slow down the descent from HIV to full blown aids. I knew my immune system was shit, I caught everything going so I figured I'd plummet quickly. Then the final thing was I potentially had fuck knows what STD's rampaging through my system. Also the biggest question burned into my mind. What now? I had been seeking this for 20 years and now I potentially had it, had I even thought about the after plan? I realised aids or not I had always been horny at the thought of getting fucked and despite some of last nights actions it still turned me on. I had also fucked a few girls in my time so fucking guys wasn't off the cards either, I knew there were other 'bugchasers' out there and the thought of passing on what I had was very appealing. Then a thought crossed my mind I didn't expect. What if I wasn't infected? Had I gone through the previous night for nothing? I realised that I was actually disappointed at the prospect. I knew if I was I'd have to break it off with Nat, whilst I felt bad for possibly hurting her I was excited at the prospect of what it meant. "I am a faggot" I said outloud to myself, this got my cock hard and I was soon stroking myself to all of last nights memories, I quickly shot my load and imagined the potential bugs swirling in my cum, I quickly sucked my fingers clean so not to waste them and with my horniness abated realised for now life had to go on. I knew I couldn't get tested yet so I'd have to wait. Life became boring after my meet. A small voice kept telling me to go back to Des but I ignored it, I feel I had a lucky meet and didn't want to push it, I genuinely believed he would and could hurt me if he wanted. I had convinced Nat I was down with a nasty stomach bug so had managed to not meet up. After the first week I kept checking my mouth and cock for any signs of infection. I met up with my parents just past my second week and we went out for lunch, nothing exciting but that night I had terrible diarrhea and was sweating and shaking, I actually thought it was food poisoning so I went back to bed. The next morning I ached all over far worse than the morning after Des, i then realised this could be it but truth be told I felt too shit to be excited. My throat felt like it was closing up, I ached, my head sounded and my arse stung from 3 rounds on the bog. I decided to try and sleep it out. 2 days later I was feeling just well enough to venture beyond the bathroom, passing a mirror in the hall I stopped and stared, apart from looking like shit I had an unmistakable rash down most of my chest, I wondered if it was just from laying in bed so I decided to have a shower, after leaning against the wall and letting the water cascade over me, I managed some soaping up, washed and dried, fresh underwear (with a check of my cock, still nothing showing) I double checked the mirror and the rash was even more pronounced. Not wanting to count my chickens I decided to arrange a clinic meet. It was a Saturday so I booked one for the Monday and it gave me more time to recover. Come Monday the rash was still angry and my lymph nodes certainly felt swollen, i also realised my cock looked reddish and I had been itching it in the night. Apprehensive I made my way to the far side of town where I knew the clinic was. After being checked in I was handed a mask and directed to a waiting area. I tried to resist a hardon as I saw posters around me of all the infections I could have in me right now. Fortunately I was not waiting long and a doctor called me in. "Hello, Charlie isn't it? Please take a seat" I nodded a polite hello. "So I understand you have recently had sexual relations and you don't know if the person possibly had anything that they might have passed onto you?" I swallowed nervously. "Yes". "And were the relations unprotected?" A silly notion of 'yes we were protected, there was a plastic sheet over us' popped into my head (guy humour) but I simply said "that's correct" "Ok, and when was this invovlement?" "Nearly 3 weeks ago I could feel the silent judgement depsite his friendly demeanor. "Have you engaged in any sexual activity since?" I shook my head. "No, none" He then did a quick check of my eyes, ears, throat, measured my height and weight then said "Ok, well if you could come over to the curtain, pop your trousers and underwear down and we'll take a quick look". While he 'gloved up' I went behind a small curtain and pulled down my trousers and underwear, fortunately my nervousness negated any erection I might have had. He had a quick look, felt around my groin, my balls and then asked me to turnaround and just pop my elbows down on the bed. Forgetting he might do this I got embarrassed but complied, I felt him gently pull apart my arse cheeks and felt his finger gently touch the area around my ring, noticing it actually hurt a little, he had me turn back and lift my shirt while he inspected my chest and abdomen. "Ok, Charlie, you can get dressed now" I did so rapidly as he cleaned up then wrote a few more things down, typed up some details and was done. "Well, I'm definitely seeing some signs of infection, you have rash on your chest, your lymph nodes are swollen, you have some redness and swelling in your rectal area, and redness on your penis, possibly some swelling. We'll take blood, get some samples and do the tests today. Things are a little busy so if you'd like to go out into town, maybe have a coffee or something and we'll give you a call when your results are ready later." "Ok, thanks Doctor" I couldn't really say much else after the examination. He told me to wait a moment then a nurse came in and had me drop my trousers again so he could get a rectal swab. I then got a mouth swab, they drew blood and I was asked to pop into the toilet if possible to provide a urine sample. I realised I hadn't actually gone that morning so it was quite easy, it also stung a little, I took that as another sign. Handing over my sample I left and walked for a bit, sort of a daze really, I couldn't focus on anything, I tried to look at things around me but it couldn't hold my attention, I tried to think about the night that led me here or what the results and future might be but again, my mind couldn't latch on to specific thoughts so I just hopped or didn't think of anything. I took the Doctors advice, found a new age coffee shop with odd tables and chairs, nothing matching, strange electric candelabra and full of uni students and hippy types. I did wonder how many of them had even just some sort of std given the sexual proclivity that happened in uni's. I then found myself wondering what they looked like naked. A couple of guys seemed camp, didn't mean they were gay but they just had an air of guys who'd love to stick their bottom up in the air and take cock, I wondered if any would take my cock if they knew I was potentially toxic? With a now raging hard on I drew my attention away from them before I was caught staring, I distracted myself by reading the latest news, Xi was announced as China supreme leader for 3rd term, Truss was expected to resign any day now and actor Leslie Jordan had died. I had just finished a second cup of coffee when my phone rang, the receptionist was asking me to return to the clinic. I suddenly felt my stomach lurch, I had actually forgotten for the briefest of moments. I confirmed I'd be there in 10 minutes. My walk there was a mix of what if I am infected/what if I'm not? I arrived and was informed the doctor was with a patient so he'd see me soon as he was finished. A 10 minute wait and another "Charlie? Please come in" was said and I followed the man who had my.....death sentence? Freedom? All for nought? on his computer. He had an almost tiny sympathetic smile on his face as he looked at me hands on desk folded. "Charlie, it seems the person in question has passed on to you certain infections, you have been diagnosed as HIV positive. Its known as the HIV-1 type, it's the most widespread and often treatable, however certain markers have come up in your blood which means the type you have is often not affected by typical anti-retroviral medication, I've contacted someone I know who deals in newer anti-retroviral therapies and if you're prepared to we can get you on a trial." He let the words sink in and was gauging my reaction, to be honest I don't know what my reaction was, I don't think reality was hitting me. "Please understand that despite this diagnosis things are not the same as they were, with an adjusted lifestyle and healthy living you may indeed have a very healthy life for quite some time." I nodded as if my brain knew it was the correct response. "Also, I must inform you that you have been diagnosed with genital warts, linked to the Human Papilloma Virus, commonly called HPV, whilst this sounds unpleasant the warts can be treated with cream I can prescribe. HPV might sound bad as it's often associated with HIV, but most HPV cases go without incident and can be cleared up within 24 months. There is a very low risk it could lead to cancer so check-ups are advised but as I said, most cases it just goes away if not exposed to further situations where reinfection might be possible. How are you doing with all this? Do you need a moment? Would you like some water?" "No, I'm ok, thank you Doctor, please carry on" He smiled briefly then continued. "We also detected symptoms of genital Herpes, typically called HSV, in your case HSV-2. This is the itching you mentioned on your initial form, we can again prescribe cream for the pain, we might sometimes prescribe antiviral medicine but with your other diagnosis I'm hesitant to do so until you make a decision on the anti-retroviral therapy. This also is nothing to concern yourself with as symptoms will often dissipate in time." He paused a moment, I think to judge my reaction. "I know this is often a huge shock to people, the multiple diagnosis is often hard to grasp and can he overwhelming. What you need to understand that none of this means you cannot live a healthy life and with a few alterations can be very little if any disruption to your day to day activities." I looked at him as if he felt like he was handing me a terminal cancer notice with days to live. "I'm really OK with it all Doctor, thank you. Is there anything else?" I'm assuming he just thought I was in shock. He went over some leaflets with me on should I need to talk to someone about this, what my diagnosis meant again and paperwork to read at home when I was ready in case there was anything he said I didn't understand. He then went on to explain he would need an answer on the therapy soon but understood I needed time to process it. In the mean time how I should not engage in any sexual activity with anyone, that I should explain with any partners my current situation (there was a leaflet on how to deal with that too). He also said I needed to come back in in the next few weeks to measure the antibodies in my system to ascertain how my body might be attempting to fight the initial HIV infection. Once he had that he could also pass that on to his colleague to get a better idea of how to deal with my situation. "Do you have any questions right now? Anything I can help with? Anything anyone else here can help you with?" I looked down at the 5 leaflets I had, the bright red HIV statistics one caught my eye. "No thank you Doctor, I appreciate all you've done" He smiled at me. "I'll set up an appointment now and you'll have a letter in the post in the next few days, these are also the prescriptions for creams to help out, you can pick them up any pharmacy but there's one just out here and to the left about 2 minutes walk" I thanked him again and left his office, on my way out I made a quick beeline for the toilets in the entrance of the clinic. Taking out my phone I did a quick search for the biggest cock with warts image I could find, dropped my trousers and grabbed my already hard cock, pumping it didn't take long and just as I came I found the HIV statistics leaflet and shot my cum load all over it. I wiped it on my cock when finished, I felt like leaving it for someone else to find but decided to just fold it up and put it in the yellow medical waste bin next to the toilet before pulling up my trousers and leaving.

Departure and Clean-Up (with a parting gift) I realised it was too late to do anything now, I was past a point of no return, I had self-destructed spectacularly and now had to deal with the consequences of my actions. I sat up and realised Des was sat back smoking a blunt, still naked, his gaunt crusty body snd his wet, softened cock laying across his leg. "Still think it was a good idea fag?" I looked at him, not knowing how to answer. "Tell you what, prove to me you do, prove to me you really are a sick fucked up faggot, suck my cock clean and ill give you £20 back, even if you puke again" I looked at him, looked at his scabbed, wart infested, pus leaking cock and felt my stomach churn but at his words also felt my cock twitch, I didn't need the money back but it was like I wanted to prove to myself I was that disgusting. I knelt down into his lap, again his smell making me retch, held his cock and put my lips round it, this time, taking as much in my mouth in one go as I could, I closed my eyes, let my tongue wrap round the cock and tasted it all. I immediately reteched and coughed again, the rank, bitter stale, salty taste was disgusting, reflex made me try and lift off his cock but Des held my head down. "Suck it all off faggot" I retched several more times as I used my tongue to clean pus, cum, shit and whatever else off his cock, I shuddered over every scab, bump and loose skin from burst warts but was soon done. I went to lift off then felt Des push me back down hard, I struggled to get up but he pushed harder and harder, I felt his cock push down my throat more and more, he was hard again and it stretched my throat painfully plus I began to panic, I retched harder and harder, then just as about 2/3 of his cock was in my throat he let go, I pulled off and quickly puked up more bile but this time managed to do it to the side. He laughed hard and just said "Wanted to see how much you could take bitch" I looked at him like he was mental but realised after everything to him this was probably all I was good for but I wasn't sure I could take much more. "I'm gonna go now" He watched as I stumbled around, getting dressed, trying to find my stuff, realising my throat and arse burned, my head hurt from the hits, I smelt of piss and fate scent of shit. I probably smelt homeless. Just before I left he said again if I wanted more I knew where he was, he'd love a regular fucked up faggot. I said I'd let him know and left. After stumbling out the back area I felt a heave in my stomach and threw up again, this time more coke coloured liquid. Gathering myself I made it to the underground, I knew I was getting some looks of disgust, between my appearance and smell I must have really looked homeless. Fortunately I found a toilet, stripped off my jacket And t-shirt. I washed my upper half down as best I could, getting rid of the piss smell and faint shit from my shoulder. I used my t-shirt as a towel then threw it away, doing my jacket up all the way I now looked semi presentable. I could still smell shit but didn't know if it was in my nostrils or not then realised my boxers felt weird. I quickly went to the cubicle pulled them down to find a large glob of brown and red streaked yellowy cloudy cum in my boxers. I quickly then stripped off my lower half, tried to clean my boxers but realised they were now a lost cause. I sat on the toilet and tried to coax out as much fluid and gunk as I could, when nothing else came I wadded some paper, stuffed it between my arse cheeks, put my jeans on and left, throwing my boxers in the same bin as my t-shirt. I managed to make it on the tube then my train home which was mercifully fairly empty, I still felt every person was looking at me and knew what I had done. I couldn't even think about it on the way home, I was too drained and on auto pilot. The only breaks in that were like when I went to the toilet and when I got up to leave my train, a wet streak was on my seat, I felt my jeans and realised I had a wet patch, I had leaked more. Embarrassed I quickly left, making sure no-one else getting off the train was behind me. I managed to get home without anyone behind me, it was dark anyway by now but my rational brain was nowhere to be found. I got home stripped, threw my jeans in the bin. The inside very noticeably streaked and stained and smelt of Des. I tried cleaning out more but my hole burned to touch so I used a wash cloth to dab the area, put on some fresh boxers and crawled into bed, quickly asleep from utter exhaustion.

Biting the Bullet (And getting lead poisoning) I heard Des get on his knees behind me lean against the fence for support and start to rub the head of his cock over my hole, causing me to tighten involuntarily. "This is gonna hurt virgin" He hawked again but this time on his hand and rubbed it over his cock before pressing it against my hole. "Push out faggot, let me get in there!" I remember reading and learning about pushing out like you're going for a shit to ease with entry when a sudden horrific thought entered my head. Shit, I hadn't douched! I had bought one and practiced for this moment but everything happened so fast I hadn't douched. The realisation made me tighten up but Des wasn't deterred and the thought of the douche vanished in the face of an almighty agonising pain as the head of his cock pushed its way into my hole. "Shit!Fuck!Ahhh!God!Fuck" a number of sounds noises and expletives poured from my mouth as the ring around my hole stung and burned at this painful entry. "Heads in faggot, now I'm gonna fuck you" I was barely over this initial assault on my hole when he began to push the rest of his massive cock inside me, the pain was excruciating and mixed in were terrible cramps, I couldn't think, could barely breathe. I wouldn't say I was turned on or not turned on, none of my entire journey was on my mind at this moment just the pain in my arse. "Fuck you are tight! Told you it would hurt, I'm only halfway" My situation then came into my mind. I was in a bin area, getting fucked by an aids-riddled homeless man with a huge cock. Somehow my own cock rose to life and I let out what must have been a groan of lust. "So you enjoying my cock now?" I groaned again as he pushed again, spearing more of me on his cock. I felt like he was losing traction so he pulled out some then pushed back in, he did this a couple of times, not all the way out but it still felt like he was pulling my insides with him when I heard the awful question. "Did you douche bitch?" Shame hit me and he stopped so I could talk. "I'm sorry! I forgot! I didn't expect all this to happen so soon!" I don't know if he was phased or not but a mutter of "dirty cunt" and he was pushing back inside me. I also don't know if the shame did something or not but I was getting softer again and the realisation of a homeless diseased guy fucking me started giving me a 'what the hell am I doing?!' moment. At that moment Des pulled mostly out and was rubbing his cock, I wondered what was happening so I looked round. "You wanted my diseases mate, I'm just popping some boils to give me some more lube for your hole". Suddenly terror struck me, I was going to get the pus of fuck knows what inside me, I don't want aids, I don't want herpes or hepatitis or gonorrhea! I needed to stop this. "Stop Des, I've changed my mind, I don't want your aids! You can keep the money, I'm just gonna go!" Des then wrapped his free arm round me and leant in to talk in my ear. "Tough shit cunt, you told me you wanted this, I told you I'm gonna fuck something, you're gonna get what I give you or I'll beat the shit out of you" "Please Des, PLEASE, no, don't please!" He reached down, picked something up and before I knew it was forcing a disgusting pair of socks in my mouth. "You're a faggot, you want my aids so just fucking accept it cunt!" I had pissed him off because he didn't hesitate to jam half his cock back in me in one stroke. My shit must have been on his cock because he wiped the hand he had picked his cock warts on my shoulder and I could smell shit. "That's better! My pus is lubing your arse good now fella!" I had been screaming into the dirty sock gag, the smell had me retching again and the pain from the fucking was bad enough now knowing I had an unknown disease puss coating the inside of my arse was the final straw, I broke down in tears and felt a warm trickle under me, I was actually pissing myself! The shame was complete I just hoped Des didn't notice but a "What the fuck!" And 2 large smacks across the back of my head knew he had. "Fucking disgusting prick! Where's your fucking wallet!" I couldn't answer and realised it was rhetorical, he reached over took the last £25 I had and stuffed it into his belongings. He then reached down, put his hand in the puddle of piss on the sheet and wiped it on my back, he did it 2 more times with my hair and face. "You're gonna smell worse than me at this rate!" I wailed again into the gag, I didnt dare try to remove it, I just felt what a horrible mistake I'd made, how my family would feel, how my gf would react. I then felt another terrible cramp deeper in my stomach and more pain in my arse, I later realised Des was breaking through deeper anal cavity and stretching the entire length of my passage when he had buried his hole cock inside me. He didn't stop as he carried on pulling out then pushing back in, really taking deep strokes now. "That's it fag, just accept it now, you already got my warts inside you, I reckon I've torn you a little inside so your cuts are just gonna soak up whatever my cock leaks" I sobbed more at this but less than before. I knew I couldn't change anything or stop Des and the pain was less, just felt very full so just accepted it and waited for him to finish. "Fuck bitch, that's good, my first fuck in ages, fucking love your hole. Haven't bothered cumming lately so got a huge load for you" During the relentless back and forth in my arse my mind went through a bit of what led me here. I *did* want to get fucked, I *did* want a nasty guy to do it, I *did* want aids cum in me. This was it, it was happening now, I put my recent reactions down to shock and fear. I actually began to feel free knowing I was getting what I had wanted for such a long time. Even my cock woke up again and got hard at the thoughts of it, I must have even started pushing back subconsciously because Des noticed it. "That's it fag, knew you wanted it really, come take my cock, fucking hole feels good" He removed his arm round my body and reached down to grab my cock, wanking it as he pummeled by arse even harder now. "Fuck yeah bitch, gonna make you cum as well, shoot your last proper neg cum load before I'm done fucking up your body for life!" I was beyond horny now, I managed to reach up and remove the sock gag without any problem from Des, I think he knew I was far too gone now and anything after just confirmed it once I did a huge groan at his words. "Fuck Des! I want your cock, I want your aids, I want your pus I want your diseases, fuck fuck, want it all, make me fucked up like you!" We were just rutting now, I didn't know how long he could hold off but I didn't care, my arse still burned but I didn't care. I could feel the unbroken warts on his cock and wish they'd all burst so I could take all of it in my hole. "You got a boyfriend fag? You got a family?" My thoughts briefly turned to everyone but I didn't care in that moment, I just wanted to be an aids fucked pig. "Girlfriend" was all I could manage. He laughed as he slapped my arse hard. "If she dumps you and you have nothing come be my homeless bitch and I'll give you my diseased cock all the time" In that moment I loved that idea, taking his diseased cock and cum over and over was a dream come true. "God Des, yes I'd do that, I fucking love your cock!" I could feel my load getting closer and I realised his was too. "You're gonna love my cock even more now bitch, you've got my diseases now you're gonna take my aids cum!" My mind exploded the same time as my cock. "Yes! Fuck yes, oh god this is it, give me your aids cum, please, oh fuck! I want it oh fuuuck!!!!" I felt my cock explode rope after rope of cum, I didn't normally cum hard but everything about the moment just felt the horniest I had ever been. As my cum tapered off I felt Des tense up, his cock swell and a warm wetness gush and flood my arse. "Mmmmm, fuck! Fucking cumming!!" I had collapsed, my knees only things holding me up, my arse high up in the air, as Des collapsed on my piss damp back his cock made a wet plop and fell out of me, a pool of cum followed. First to recover he stuck a finger in my hole, pulled it out and pushed it under my nose. "Suck it clean cunt" I opened my mouth and tasted his finger, I nearly retched, I could taste shit and ranky salty fluid, I didn't know if it was cum or pus. "That's it fag, taste my untreatable cum you have flooding the tears in your hole now." My heart leapt into my mouth as I came down from my 'cum high', I shot up and looked at Des, realising everything he gave me a yellow toothy grin. "Yeah bitch, you just let a rank homeless man fuck your hole, filled you with untreatable aids cum and popped some nasty pus inside you. Fuck knows what you got but your life is over now" I fell back onto my hands and knees, my head spun, I felt like I was going to throw up, what had I done?

Biting the Bullet (hopefully not the cock) I stood there shaking a little as Des started stripping, with his jacket and t-shirt off first I noticed just how gaunt he really was. I knew at about 6ft he could still handle my 5ft 7 inches. I also noticed dried crusty white patches on his body, I didn't want to know what they were. He took off his boots and his jeans and immediately realised he wasn't wearing underwear, then everything came at once, the smell really was worse than with clothes, the worse smell of dried puke, smegma and BO you could imagine, I also noticed his cock was drooped down about 7 or 8 inches, the one guy I had sucked was only about 7 hard. The other thing I noticed was the 'things' on his cock, they looked a mixture of white puss filled boils the side of garden peas and some scabbed over craters, I'd been curious and seen photos online of diseased cocks before and I'd quickly click off as they made me feel ill. Now I had the real thing 2 feet in front of me. "You gonna strip?" As I said, when in my youth I didn't consider myself attractive and used to get nervous changing for PE, now as a 40 year old balding chubby guy I'd never felt more scared or embarrassed in my life. Again, trying to act cool I followed suit, first my jacket and t-shirt, then my boots, jeans and boxers. Not being massively well endowed would have been even worse a humiliation for me but fortunately for some sick reason I was rock hard. Not that Des was even bothered by this, he put a hand on my shoulder (which nearly made me jump out my skin) and pushed downward, getting the picture I knelt on the filthy sheet and gingerly brought my hand up to lift his cock, futily trying to avoid touchng a scab or boil, I felt him suddenly start to harden in my hand when I heard the voice from above. "Well suck it then" He sounded impatient and I was now worried about pissing him off. Getting closer the smell got worse, I could see he was uncut and the hardness revealed smegma at the base of the large mushroom head. I tried to block off my sense of taste and popped the head in my mouth, swirling my tongue round it, god it was fucking huge. I felt his cock jerk and realised he was getting even harder. He put his hand at the back of my head and pushed me further and not very gentle, my lips moved down past the head, I felt something brush my top lip and realised it was a boil, at the same time I accidentally breathed in and I retched as the smell hit me. The next thing to hit me was his hand across my head "Remember what I said if you puke bitch" I felt my own cock twitch as he called be a bitch and I forced myself to swallow and go further down his cock. Despite my lack of experience and his size I tried my best not to use teeth, I knew it might piss him off but I also didn't want one of those pustules bursting in my mouth. I think I got 3rd of the way when he hit the back of my throat so I pulled back to the head and slowly went forward again, using my tongue again and trying not to gag on the size or notice the taste. After 3 or 4 of these I tried to pick up the pace a bit but I'm guessing was too slow for Des who held the sides of my head and started fucking my mouth, he got rougher and was hitting the back of my throat too often for me to handle, I then made the mistake again of breathing in and felt the bile rise before I could stop it. Fortunately I'd not eaten since the day before but the alcohol made an appearance and I puked up some coke coloured bile, some on the end of his cock, rest on the sheet beneath me. I then felt a hard smack across my head. "Told you not to fucking puke bitch, where's my fucking 20!" I fumbled over to my jeans and pulled out £20 and gave him it. "I'm sorry! I just don't have much practice!" I didn't want to piss him off by mentioning the smell. "You ain't sucked much cock or just big ones?" To emphasise he grabbed his cock and swung it a little, I could see the full size now and it had to be 10 or 11 inches! "I've only sucked one cock" I admitted to him, things were getting very real now, my throat hurt and I was scared of either him hurting me or being thrown out. He grabbed my hair and forced me to look up at him. "What, ever??" I just nodded in embarrassment. "What about fucked?" This time I shook my head. He stood there for a moment and then knelt down still holding my hair. "What?! You telling me your a fucking virgin paying a diseased homeless guy to fuck you??" I wanted to cry, my cock rapidly shrinking in humiliation, I was shaking badly. "I just really want it..." I said, more pathetically than anything in my life. He let out this nasty laugh, told me to open my mouth, thinking he was going to stand and have me suck him again I was shocked when he hawked a load of phlegm in my mouth then covered my mouth with his hand. "Swallow it!" After 3 attempts to get my throat working again I did. "You're a more fucked up faggot than I was, lucky for you I still want to fuck something, get your head in the tent, on your hands and knees!" All the searching, false starts, Covid delays, cowardice and here I was about to get what I'd been looking for for 20+ years.

Biting the Bullet I had made my way to the cash point and decided to withdraw £100, I then went to a nearby office license quick and bought 2 cans of Jack and Coke, I drunk one straight down to steady myself, the second I drank on my way to the area he mentioned, I went behind some shops, most were derelict, they had flats above, some looked used, some didn't, light was low but manageable thanks to a street light that must have been for when cars parked there. I noticed each old shop had its own gated bin area and I think each was being used by homeless as their own shelter. I got to the one Des had mentioned and knocked, I didn't know if I should just enter but I waited until he unlatched it and gestured for me to go in. It was about 12 feet long by a feet wide, just enough to fit two commercial size bins. He had some blue plastic sheeting over some dirty cloth bedding and 2 poles holding it up like a tent. The smell here was worse but the buzz from the alcohol made it bearable. "Didn't think you'd actually come, you got the money?" I reached into my pocket and gave Des the £50 I had seperated, he held it out as he talked. "OK, now listen fella, firstly, I told my mate next door I got someone coming in to fuck, like I said before you try some shit or call rape and he'll come over and we'll beat the shit outta you" I nodded, swallowing hard, trying my hardest not to say anything to get me in trouble or Des to change his mind. "Second, I don't just have HIV I've got aids which means my hiv isn't treatable, last time I saw a doc he reckoned I'd be dead by now, fuck knows why I'm not but that's that, I've also got some shit on my cock, other diseases and shit, I don't know what but if you don't want it this is your chance to take your money and fuck off" If my mind spun earlier this was my entire head doing 360s. If I say yes I'll have a highly diseased cock inside me, I'll get hiv and it probably won't be treatable, a tiny part of the coward reared it's head but my other head stood to attention and that one decided for me once and for all, i risked opening my mouth. "I don't know if this makes me worse or not but you telling me that just makes me want it more" He looked at me to see if I really was serious then pocketed the money. "I warned you, I don't have anywhere to clean up, I know I stink and inside my jeans it'll be worse, but I really wanna fuck something again and once we start we don't stop, I'm not having you pricktease me. I also want you sucking on my cock, I told you it's diseased and fucking rank but if you want things you gotta do what I say. Also this is my home, it's not much but I don't want you wrecking it so if shit gets too much and you puke then I want another £20 for the mess" I was starting to notice the smell again when he mentioned things and I felt nauseous about what I might have to do but I knew I wanted things badly and I'd brought this on myself, so again I nodded and watched as Des started to strip down.

Finding Des Des was I can only describe a quintessential homeless tramp. His clothes looked like he'd worn same ones for years, the smell from him was evident 6 feet away, not just tobacco but damp, BO, puke and god knows what came off him in the most nauseating aroma. His long greying greasy hair and tangled beard made the look complete. It wasn't until he heard me coming and looked up that I realised he was black. "What you want?" Was the blunt question from him. Suddenly I wanted to be anywhere else, away from this stupid quest, away from his stench, away from a guy that might genuinely hurt me. But for some reason, lust? Stupidity? I stayed on the spot and trying to act cool I asked him. "Are you Des" "Depends who's asking" he replies. My heart was thumping in my chest now, how was I going to ask him? "I heard you might be able to help me with something" He took a drag on his rollie and says "Don't know who told you but I don't sell drugs" Did he think I was police? I swallowed and blurted out "No, I heard you were gay". I saw what I thought might be a flash of anger in his eyes, did I have it wrong? Was he about to kick the shit out of me? I was ready to run and starting to panic. "What if I am, no law about it" I breathed an internal sigh of relief, ok, part of the way there. "No, no law, it's cool, I mean, I hoped you were". He laughed an almost incredulous laugh, then hawked a huge load of gob on the grass, before asking "Why? You want a date?" I then realised the laugh was him mocking me, I felt stupid but also a little turned on, I liked him having the power over me like that. I then went for broke.... "I was wondering if you'd fuck me?" He stopped dead, and stood up, I could see in his eyes, he was wondering if this was a joke, or was i setting him up, I got ready to run again, feeling like my heart was gonna explode in my chest, I couldn't take much more, I had to leave yet my feet stayed still. "This some kind of joke? Who fucking told you to say this??" "No-one!" I replied quickly "I'm serious, sorry if this sounds stupid but I've been looking a long time for you to fuck me". I realised what I meant was I've been looking for someone like him to but it came out and didn't know how to correct myself. "I've not fucked anyone in long time, I don't anymore" I looked at him properly now stood up, he was wearing filthy jeans, equally dirty denim jacket and t-shirt that was once white, now yellow and stained. He was thin, probably mostly from being homeless but the face I could see under beard looked gaunt, wasted, I was sure he had aids. "Is it because you're infectious?" Infectious? I really used that word?? I couldn't have said 'cause you have aids' or possibly 'because you have HIV?' As if reading my mind he said "yeah, cause I'm poz, it means I've got HIV" The search me should have been doing cartwheels inside me but it's like I already knew he was, now the analytical side of me was trying to ascertain how to ask him. Oddly enough the coward me was nowhere to be found. "I know what it means, it's why I've been looking for you" There was a moment of confusion on his face. "You looked for me for sex because I'm poz?" Before I had a chance to answer he asked "You a bugchaser?" I'd heard that term on my search but never really thought about it. Was I? Did I want to get sick and be riddled with HIV? I wasn't sure but I knew I wanted the risk and the darkness those detectable represented. "I guess, it's not that simple, I've been looking for HIV guys to fuck and struggling to find one then heard about you" I quickly stopped before I talked myself out of it and lost my chance. "I ain't fucking to give you my bugs" "I'll pay you!" I said without thinking, I knew at some point I might have to pay a guy to infect me (how pathetic am i?) but I didn't know if I definitely would have to, now here I was offering. "I ain't got a room and shower to clean up" I didn't realise until later he was running out of excuses, I was just so determined and felt it was this close! "I don't care, I want it nasty!" Wether it was my using that word 'nasty' or my desperation or seriousness but it's like some switch in him flipped, he dropped his rollie, stepped closer and the smell made me nauseous again but I pushed it down as he got closer like he was whispering a secret to me. "If you want this it'll be 50 quid, you gotta do what I say and if you try some shit or shout rape I'll kick the shit outta you" My heart was in my throat, holy fuck, he actually agreed?? My head was spinning! "Yeah I want this! When? Now? I don't have that much on me" my words were fast and I'd lost my cool but was trying not to put him off" "There's cash point on the main road, I've got a place round that corner" he pointed to a side road. "Go behind an old fried chicken place, green door to a bin area, I'll be there when you get your money, get more out just in case". In case of what? A part of my mind wondered but I was so spun with excitement and nervousness I didn't pay it attention. "I'll be there" With that he got up and left. By now it was starting to get a little dark, was still early but mid autumn the sun was setting early. Holy shit, was this really gonna happen? What if he just took my money and left? What if he beat me up? What if he couldn't get it in me? I was a virgin after all but he didn't know that, do I tell him? Would that stop him? Would he think I was just fucked in the head? These and a million more questions spun round my mind but I knew one thing, this was my chance and i had to see it through.

All or Nothing: On my way home from visiting my gf in London I chanced across an advert for something to do with homeless people, it was one of these that had a photo of a guy attached and a brief short story. I don't know if it was staged photo or not but he looked homeless, dirty face, tangled, unkempt hair, beard. Not ugly but wasn't what society considered attractive (a feeling I knew all too well and often as a result the kind of guy I gravitated to for the hope of some fun). His story read that he was homeless, sick, had done nothing wrong, lost his home, couldn't find work.....wait a minute, sick?? Suddenly a light went off in my dark perverse mind. I was always drawn to the darkest, nastiest, even grossest men on sites for raw encounters and more and this was maybe the ultimate dark perversion in raw breeding fun. There's a good chance a homeless guy wouldn't be medicated but I wasn't am idiot, just cause a guy is homeless doesn't make him either gay or willing to fuck a guy. I needed a plan. I decided London was the best choice, biggest city near me and surely a sizable homeless community. I started by visiting a few homeless shelters looking for my 'boyfriend' who might have gone missing, this led me to a couple of small communities of gay guys who looked out for their own on the streets, some promising individuals but all lacked something, an air of sickness, a potential for filth, something. I told them my bf was a PNP boy (a term I'd learnt on the sites I perused) and they directed me to a park in Brixton where a guy named Des frequented but was warned he was very rough. Hopes soared! I made my way to the park in question, hung around for about 3 hours and soon eyed the prize, cautiously I made my way to a guy under a tree smoking a rollie and stopped dead in my tracks. This guy was disgusting!

Exploration, Covid-Stalled & Adventure: Fast forward to late-2019 I had settled in my new flat, was finally ready to take the plunge in the raw and kinky worlds of BBRT, Recon and NKP. Had found several guys who were interested, my desires into the darker aspects diminished as I realised more men were medicated than ever before but I still wanted it raw but I of course hesitated then of course the dreaded C hit, the world locked down, I ended up in my flat for another year just looking and not doing much. Once the dust settled and we all emerged I found myself a little chubbier than I had been and my semi-receding hairline was in full swing, in short, if I didn't consider myself attractive in my youth I certainly didn't now! Nevertheless I was determined to find something. A couple of promising meets fizzled out and more guys wanted either experience or younger, I was neither! Dejected I went back to what society expected of me, found a woman, dated, hadn't moved in yet but was becoming serious. But by now the gnawing at the back of my mind as a teen had become an unexplored, all-consuming just. I wasn't looking for a boyfriend or husband, I was just absolutely desperate for cock and cum, the darker and riskier the better. Then, the bow finally broke.

Prelude: As a guy I've failed in life, growing up I fancied guys and girls, particularly a boy in my class but to avoid the ridicule I kept it to myself. I did the expected thing, found myself a girlfriend, didn't last, found another, same result. Around 20 I found Gaydar and despite the plethora of opportunities I never saw myself as attractive (skinny and spotty) so my entire gay exploration involved a single meet with a guy, brief suck, hand job and him cumming over my chest. By my late 20's I met a woman, ended up married in my early 30's we played out our lives but it was ultimately boring. I hovered around the gay sites on occasion often drawn to the darker aspects like bareback and HIV+ guys, met 2 older gentlemen who were nudists but my fears led to a half-baked lie and I left their home before anything could happen. I eventually cheated on her with another woman, she found out (or maybe I subconsciously let her?) and I ended up a bachelor alone. Perhaps this was my time to explore guys?