needit

I was in the Dock years ago. It was shit. Small, cold, no people. Although if memory serves, I think Sunday night was unofficially bareback night (for those in the know), so maybe it got a good crowd then.

Could be a few things, or indeed it could be nothing. The amount of times I've panicked over some blotch on my cock that was perfectly normal. It could be a wart though. I had them once and they sort of looked like that (flat red blotches) rather than a wart you would get on your finger. You could swab them with vinegar (acetic acid) and if they turn white they are warts. Acetic acid swab is a common diagnostic test in clinics for warts.

I can't stop thinking about this. I'm top and have barebacked on and off all my sexually active life (18 to 37) although not exclusively. Most of my bare encounters were anonymous hook ups in saunas or in group situations. For many years (18 to 29) I was convinced I was positive but was somehow managed to not worry about it or at least it would only cross my mind occasionally. Then I went for my first HIV test and it came back neg. I swore blind I wouldn't fuck raw again, and I stuck to it for a few years. Then over time I'd play wiht the boundaries of "safe", rub my cock outside a hole until I came, but nothing risky really. But of course gradually the boundaries disappeared and I started sticking my cock into willing bare bottoms. Then came my first confirmed HIV scare (fucked a poz guy, blood on cock). I freaked out, got tested again after 6 months, neg again. Same story, vowed to play safe. Then I moved to Berlin. Condoms are so rare here, I just slipped back into barebacking, fucked every and any hole raw for over a year and a half. Sex clubs, parties, poz bottoms. In the heat of the moment I didn't care, but the next morning I'd regret it. Then this summer I got tested again and it was still neg. You know the story by now, "never again" blah, blah. So here's what I can't stop thinking about: I'm a barebacker. It's been part of my sexual experience since I first got my dick wet. It's what gives me the most satisfaction. It's the porn I watch. The thought of a life fucking wrapped depresses me. But I'm clearly not able to handle the (self imposed) guilt trip that accompanies barebacking. I used to be able to, but now I just can't seem to deal with it. When I read about PreP I thought, this is my fucking answer, but it's not approved in Germany yet. I don't know if it will be. What is your advice to someone who (based on past behaviour) will probably end up slipping up and fucking raw again, but who can't deal with the mental side of it. Genuine question. I'd love to be able to have an honest discussion with a sexual health doctor about this, but I don't want the whole "the only way to protect yourself is to use a condom" spiel. Any advice, similar guys out there?