Those who have HIV how do you really feel? there is a disconect....

[adam4adam]

Those who have HIV how do you really feel? there seems to be a disconect between what i read here and what i here fron HIV positive men offline

I was a bug chaser until i met my first HIV+ postive man from there not only did i stop bb but gave up bug chasing...i did mess up once and got bred but i went from getting bred by different men about two 3 times a week, from just poor judgment and once within the past two months...for me that an accomplisment

but i still struggle with the wanting to be poz. i feel once i get it i can finally stop worrying but my questions are

1. Do you regret it? I talked to several poz men over the past month all of them regret it. One guy wants to poz me but he is realistic about the medications and what they do to his body. The medication is expensive (in the united states)

2. Is it really sexually liberating. I would imagine the pozzing fuck itself would be intense. There is someting powerful about truly giving your ass up in the ultimate way. But what about the day after?

3. What happens when a cute neg boy is interested in dating you? LIke i am in this position now. there is a chance that i am poz. So i kinda been putting him off until i get tested again and know for sure.

I have so many other questions but i dont want to bother this forum since i am no longer chasing. I do miss my slutty days but like someone here said i alone can control my destiny, but the thought of taking a charge load still turns me on.

[rawpozbtm]

No, I don't regret it being poz, because it is a part of me since 2003. Yeah being poz has its ups and downs just like regular life. If you continue to bareback, then you will become poz. If you become friends with a poz guy, then he could be the one to breed you. I got bred by RawPigDad, and I enjoyed every minute of it. He has a virus that hasn't mutated and wasn't on meds for 9 years. Yes, it was definitely sexually liberating, and I will always remember what it was like to take his poz load in my ass for the first time. We also had a bb party, and I was the main bottom. I felt like I was free and part of a community. If the cute neg boy wants to date you and he doesn't because you are poz, then you need to move on. I personally will not date neg, because it is too much of a liability issue..IMO. Does this help any?

[rawcumbiguy]

i have no regrets about being poz my only regret is not getting treatment for it sooner. you do feel free once you are poz. i have dated neg guys before but it doesn't work out in the long run. if you are a poz couple then you know what each other are going through. meds are fun but they are better than dealing with damage done by the virus.

[evilqueerpig]

As someone who has NEVER had a condom on/in me and also someone who has been a slut since I had my first man, HIV was inevitable and I don't have any regrets at all. I do see some conflict in your statements about missing your slutty days and the thought of taking a charged load still turning you on, coupled with your statement that you're no loger chasing. That is something you need to reckon with and make a definite decision.

[rawlover]

I understand your concern I had to stop taking loads over a year ago as I have been dating a guy now and I love him dearly and he doesn't have any idea of the things that turn me on like pozzing and getting fucked by anon raw tops, but so far going a year strong being faithful to him after 2 years at college getting raw fucked at least twice a week!

[lower_bucks_bottom]

Regret is not the right word. I did not want to be poz and I tried to only do things I thought were safe, but I got pozzed anyway. I wish I wan't, but as they say, it is what it is, and I have to deal with it. It is liberating in a way, I feel more open to guys barebacking me, although I still ask their status and whether they are on med. On the other hand my partner of 17 years is now afraid to have sex with me. He does, but I can see how afraid he is and it effects his performance. It used to be that he was the only one that barebacked me and everyone else used a rubber, now it is the opposite. I am on my second set of meds, the first didn't work out for me, and they are side effect free. They are very expensive and while I have insurance that pays for it I was looking to retire in a few years and now I have to reassess that. So I don't regret it since it was thrust upon me rather then my seeking it out, but I wish it wasn't so.

[-Pablo-]

This site is a fucking fantasy. Nobody should really believe it. It may be hot but nobody in their right mind should seek getting infected with HIV. It can really be deadly... sometimes even if you can afford your medicines and/or you get them for free.

Really guys just use your head and make it clear that it's a fantasy!! You may be screwing somebody's life. That's not cool, really!

[Deepanalnut]

It's not all fantasy Pablo, not on this forum and not in the clubs/bathhouses/etc.

I'm not a typhoid mary because I'm on the road to being classified as an elite controller. Genetically I'm very rare in the fight against HIV so in that regard, other than the initial despair of finding out my status, HIV has never really been a health issue for me. I don't stealth, ever. Anyone I fuck knows my status but I am also shooting blanks and the likelihood of me ever pozzing anyone, while not absolute zero, is pretty damn close to zero (unless it turns out I'm a LTNP and my immunity suddenly fails but I get tested monthly for free as part of two study on controllers so I'll know pretty quickly if I'm actually toxic).

My lone regret is with traditional relationships. I'm obviously bi-sexual in that I fuck men and for the past few years, fairly exclusively. But I would like to settle down, do the kids thing and live that so-called "white picket fence" life with the Mrs. and my 2.5 kids. That is difficult when you are HIV+, even if you are beyond healthy and not actually toxic. I don't do relationships with men, I do with women. So on the latter, both my fear of rejection and the reality of my disease make that life very difficult to obtain. That and I'm on the road 3+ weeks out of every month so that kinda fucks me too.

But back to the "fantasy" aspect, I've had guys get a little more wild in the club scene when they hear about my status. Yes, there are some guys that are turned off or move on but to be 100% honest, they tend to be the exception and not the norm. Granted I go to places where my odds are greatly improved but that doesn't stop guys who are neg or unknown from taking my load.

[-Pablo-]

Hi deepanalnut,

thanks a lot for your reply! I'm terribly shocked right now: just today I got to know that a girl I knew several years ago is dying of aids. She's barely 19 and apparently she got infected recently but for some reason her body isn't reacting well, she hasn't developed antibodies and she's in a desperate situation. I'm no doctor, so I can't be certain about the details of her condition, but it left me feeling really bad today.

She got it from barebacking with a member of a band she's a fan of (she's sort of a groupie). She thought it was okay to do it this only time because they were giving some gig in our country and by bbing she would be somehow "special" for this guy. The guy probably forgot her within days and now she's fucking dying and she's not even my age (I'm 22). I don't have words for this. I know her situation is totally uncommon and that hiv today is generally just a chronic condition and not the death sentence it used to be. But this sort of crap still actually happens.

I totally understand that many on this forum are already poz or really don't value their lives at all and don't care to get infected. I can't judge them. But I think it's pretty dangerous, too. Some people like me come here just out of curiosity because we're turned on by bareback sex or the thought of "sharing the bug" and without really understanding what kind of crap it is. So even though I'm not advocating censorship, I think it should be made totally clear that you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get that shit. It's "hot" but then you may die and it stops being so hot. Everyone knows it but reading the kind of posts that can be found on these forums may actually encourage people to get pozzed in real life. And that in my opinion should only be a fantasy. There are safer ways to live out this fantasy, like barebacking with a known negative person. Or well, if you're already poz, just being responsible like you describe. I felt the need to say this here, probably only because of the state I'm in after hearing about this girl who's really close to my heart.

I think the guy who started the thread should really listen to the regret stories he has been told in real life and jut not be carried away but some hot stories he reads here.

Take care!

-Pablo

[aidsfukka]

Quickly, as far as I'm concerned:

> 1. Do you regret it?

Not a single moment. Turned poz in 1989, fullblown in 2008 and now HepC+. And fukkin happy with this.

> 2. Is it really sexually liberating.

Sex is free by itself - no need of any "liberation". "It is really sex" is the correct sentence for me. And the day after is just empowering and enlighting.

> 3. What happens when a cute neg boy is interested in dating you?

My current next-to-be BF is non-poz. It all started in terms of bug-chasing, but now there's so much more. And we're fucking in love.

Enough said, I think.

[Deepanalnut]

I totally understand that many on this forum are already poz or really don't value their lives at all and don't care to get infected. I can't judge them. But I think it's pretty dangerous, too. Some people like me come here just out of curiosity because we're turned on by bareback sex or the thought of "sharing the bug" and without really understanding what kind of crap it is. So even though I'm not advocating censorship, I think it should be made totally clear that you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to get that shit. It's "hot" but then you may die and it stops being so hot. Everyone knows it but reading the kind of posts that can be found on these forums may actually encourage people to get pozzed in real life. And that in my opinion should only be a fantasy.

First off, that's a really broad brush you are painting people here with. Are there guys with no self-concern and have a death wish? Sure. There are hetero's that way too. Are there men here that don't have any concern for their fellow man? I would be surprised if there weren't any but again, that's not exclusive to the gay community. The reality is, a lot of people don't like condoms, they have incredibly high sex drives and HIV is still sadly a very poorly understood virus by the community at large. I agree that HIV is not an easy life for a lot of people. Some folks want it for the wrong reasons. Others know that it's inevitable given their lifestyle. It doesn't mean they want to die (although reading Bugshare...fuck that's a dark place).

Think of it like this: people jump out of airplanes, off buildings, off bridges, eat bizarre food, do stupid stunts (like Jackass) that have high risk of extreme bodily harm and so on. Barebacking, in its most base form, is not really any different. Yes, the results and risks are different but it's partly the thrill, the rush and the excitement just like those other activities. If someone doesn't want HIV (or any STD for that matter), they shouldn't be barebacking outside of a monogamous relationship...period. It's not rocket science. If you fuck bare and act like a whore, eventually you will catch something. That's part of the risk. If people are deluding themselves to think that every guy is going to be honest (and knowledgeable) about their own status and think trust is enough to avoid getting pozzed, that's on them. Beyond that, negs and unknowns who fuck poz or unknown guys are taking a calculated risk. It has nothing to do with "hating" themselves or "wanting to die".

[Inception]

I regret being HIV positive.

I am healthy and my meds work with few side effects. I am in Canada so have socialized medical care so expense of meds is not an issue - though the government does make sure that the price is listed on the bottle every time I refill my perscription so I know how expensive the drugs are.

I regret it because it scares away a lot of otherwise cool guys who might be interested in me. A lot of the poz players into the bb scene seem to not really give a shit about other people, and I find that disturbing.

But is it sexually freeing? I don't know, I got it because I was doing crazy sex all over. Then I was worried about spreading HIV so I slowed right down. Once I was undetectable I got back out there, and now realizing how many other guys are poz I do act more freey than friends who are neg. Though it might just be that I am sluttier than they are.

Here's an example: last weekend a buddy (a friend not a fuckbud) texted me that he was hanging out at some tubs in the city and wondered what I was up to and if I wanted to meet up for dinner or something. I got back and said I was horny so I would just meet him there and we could decide what we wanted to do. He is a gorgeous, hung black man in a city with a small black population. Everyone wants him. But he is neg, and in his early 20's dealt with an older partner who suffered and died during the height of the AIDS crisis. He does not go on online hook-up sites, and when we go out quizzes me about the reputations of everyone else (it's a fucking small city). When he goes to the tubs he is extra careful. He's a top and watches to see who is going around being bred and avoids those bottoms. This past weekend I got laid a couple times while he spent his time being careful. At one point two guys were fucking bare in the jacuzzi and he was shocked that they were doing it out in the open. I had to explain to him that in the last couple years there has been a big change at the baths in the city, and that since so many guys are poz bb is pretty normal now at the baths, and that probably most neg guys like himself avoid them. He asked me, "How do you even know who's barebacking and who isn't?" He said that he would never have expected the guy topping in the jacuzzi to be a barebacker since he looked normal. I just said, "Well I look normal, and you know I am positive, so you can't tell if a guy is pos by how he looks." I didn't explicity tell him that I was at that moment loaded with seed. Neither dd I go into detail explaining how the young guy getting fucked in the jacuzzi advertises on BBRT and Squirt as a poz submissive cumdump with his face pics unlocked, so that pretty much everyone knows that he will bend over anywhere for anyone no questions asked. Just not a concept that I think he ready for.

[Male22192]

Here's an example: last weekend a buddy (a friend not a fuckbud) texted me that he was hanging out at some tubs in the city and wondered what I was up to and if I wanted to meet up for dinner or something. I got back and said I was horny so I would just meet him there and we could decide what we wanted to do. He is a gorgeous, hung black man in a city with a small black population. Everyone wants him. But he is neg, and in his early 20's dealt with an older partner who suffered and died during the height of the AIDS crisis. He does not go on online hook-up sites, and when we go out quizzes me about the reputations of everyone else (it's a fucking small city). When he goes to the tubs he is extra careful. He's a top and watches to see who is going around being bred and avoids those bottoms. This past weekend I got laid a couple times while he spent his time being careful. At one point two guys were fucking bare in the jacuzzi and he was shocked that they were doing it out in the open. I had to explain to him that in the last couple years there has been a big change at the baths in the city, and that since so many guys are poz bb is pretty normal now at the baths, and that probably most neg guys like himself avoid them. He asked me, "How do you even know who's barebacking and who isn't?" He said that he would never have expected the guy topping in the jacuzzi to be a barebacker since he looked normal.

Ha! I hate to say it, but I found that to be kinda funny. Your friend is going to a bathhouse for sex and he is shocked to find people are barebacking?!? I've never been to a bathhouse (yet), but barebacking at a bathouse is the norm from what I understand. Your friend is out of touch with sex in the gay community. He sounds like he needs to be in a 100% strictly monogamous relationship and should not be seeking sex anywhere else.

PS: Trying to judge based on looks is worthless. My mom works in a doctor's office and one of the guys that works in the office came down with syphilis. You would think out of all people that should know better......

[Guest BBSeroMan]

Fuck no. I'm a service provider. HIV+ Transmission Specialist. ALWAYs ROCK HARD. Total sexpig. Huge umedicated loads for gifting.

[Inception]

Ha! I hate to say it, but I found that to be kinda funny. Your friend is going to a bathhouse for sex and he is shocked to find people are barebacking?!? I've never been to a bathhouse (yet), but barebacking at a bathouse is the norm from what I understand. Your friend is out of touch with sex in the gay community. He sounds like he needs to be in a 100% strictly monogamous relationship and should not be seeking sex anywhere else.

PS: Trying to judge based on looks is worthless. My mom works in a doctor's office and one of the guys that works in the office came down with syphilis. You would think out of all people that should know better......

Yeah he needs a relationship. But definitely the tubs here have changed, even a few years ago bareback was not done openly or acknowleged. So guys who go infrequntly, like my friend, are often shocked. It has had a bad effect on business. There's 4 tubs that 10 years ago would have been all busy 7 nights a week. Now midweek is often dead. I went to my regular place Tuesday night and there was only about 12 guys, half of those the over 65 crowd who just come to watch the game on the bigscreen TV. I ended up just hanging with them.