My Barebacking Journey: An Article for Positive Lite

[JoshLandaleXXX]

Some of you may have seen it already if you follow my blog or twitter, but for those who haven't I recently got asked by the editor of PositiveLite.com to write an article about my attitude towards HIV both before and after HIV diagnosis.

You can find it here.

This is controversial stuff for them, as they've never before given a voice to a prominant barebacker. After the article went live, it broke their all time records for hits in 24 hours.

Check it out... its a brutally honest admission from myself, about why I bareback and why HIV wasn't enough to put me off fucking raw.

[cam1972]

I have to say that I was deeply impressed with your well written, well thought out article. Yours is a voice that needs to be heard. You have a clear balance to your thinking. Being responsible in telling others that you are HIV + is not an easy thing to do, but the right thing to do. But put that aside, to go on a public forum and share that to people who don't agree with you and will more than happily tell you so is courageous. And it's working. The first response to your article was from someone who is now re-thinking the way she views those who choose to bareback.

I am very impressed. Great article. Kudos to you.

[JoshLandaleXXX]

Glad you liked and approved - i'm keen to hear what others think of it?

Also, they've invited me back to do a kind of expose on the BB scene... so if anyones got any ideas for things to cover in future pieces, please share them here.

Cheers.

[HungLatinDom]

I loved the article, Josh. Are you thinking about writing a book?

[GermanFucker]

Dear Josh: I don't want to come across as overly critical. I in fact mostly enjoyed the article. You are a talented writer. Still, something doesn't sit quite right with me. In the article you say:

That whilst it was indeed a risk, it was a low risk. More importantly, it was a risk that I as an individual was more than prepared to take. Condomless sex was more rewarding, more intimate, more satisfying. It was also more spontaneous, more "heat of the moment" stuff... it was the sex that I was looking for. The risks, whilst very real, had over time been reduced in my mind by a continued negative test result.

[...]

To better understand my acceptance of the risks, it's important to look at the sort of person I am. I've always been a risk-taker. Aged 16 I got into rock climbing and hanggliding. Aged 21, despite my parents' pleads for sanity, I got myself a sports motorcycle, racing around the roads of my native Yorkshire with wreckless abandon. Where most people see danger and instinctively retreat from it, I, like a moth drawn to the flickering backyard light, have always been attracted towards risky things. Thus it was somewhat inevitable that as soon as I discovered risky sexual behaviour, I took an attraction towards it.

You make it sound like it was only about the sex and that you though of HIV as somewhat of a risk. Yet if I remember your forum / blog postings here correctly, it wasn't only about the sex, it was about HIV as well. I interpret using a toothbrush on your ass as actively seeking HIV, not just risiking it by letting the dice fall whichever way they might.

You say:

The world I was living in, suddenly seemed a lot larger, a lot lonelier.

I do believe your feelings to be heartfelt and sincere. And I really do sympathize. Yet because of your omission in the article you don't adress that lingering question of hindsight. Judging by some of your earlier comments you finally got what you wanted. I'd find it interesting to FULLY know what you felt. Just numbness? Regret? Buyer's remorse? Melancholy? Knowing what you have told us the picture in the article just seems incomplete.

You say that yours is a challenging and controversial view, but in the article it really doesn't come across as THAT controversial. Things like:

However for many they are not. The work that organisations the world over are doing to raise awareness of HIV, to spread the message that condoms are the single most effective prevention of the onward transmission of HIV are to be commended. I support their work entirely.

are mainstream / common sense.

Only if you take into account what is not mentioned in the article, it really gets controversial. E.g. one of your postings:

After years of being a greedy bb cum dump bottom I finally got pozzed up.

My viral load is 100000+ and exceptionally toxic and infectious, I'm not on meds.

I now want to return the favour and share my gift with any neg bottoms who want it.

Ideally looking for young, slim guys but will dump my poison up any hole that wants it. I can accommodate in York, so if you want to join the club, get in touch!

Genuine bug chasesr only please. TEXT ONLY 07428075778 Or email me at iwanttoinfectyou@gmail.com

This is not meant as an accusation. Nor do I want to imply you're dishonest. It's just that you show a completely different side of you in the article. And I'd find it interesting to know more about how these aspects of your personality interact.

Is it just horny Josh vs. everyday Josh?

Sober Josh vs. cumslut mode?

A dark alter ego (or "passenger" for the Dexter fans among us)?

Or is it growth / maturation: Did HIV change you. For better? For worse?

So many open questions.

I PERSONALLY BELIEVE THAT WITHIN ALL OF US IS THE POTENTIAL TO BE MORE THAN JUST ONE PERSON: WE CAN BOTH BE GOOD CITIZENS AND DEVIL-MAY-CARE PIGS. AND TO UNDERSTAND / ADRESS HIV AMONGST BAREBACKERS AND GAY MEN IN GENERAL WE NEED TO ACCEPT AND ADRESS THAT DICHOTOMY. Otherwise we may say all the right things and yet change nothing.

Edited May 7, 2012 by GermanFucker