Sex With My Father: Does it matter at this point?

[Schlatko]

When I was in college, my father (yes, biological) and I had a very brief affair. It was the best sex I've ever had and getting fucked and bred with the same cum, same cock, and by the very man from which I came was the closest to a religious experience I've ever had. I've never felt love so intensely. We were both incredibly relaxed while having sex and we got into some very dirty and kinky things.

But, he started feeling guilty. He told me how much he loved me and that was an expression of that, but we couldn't ever do that again. He owed his wife (my mother) and my brother too much to risk tearing it apart.

What he didn't say was: "It is wrong." and he didn't finish that last statement: "...even if we are in love." That all led me to believe he wanted what I did, to live together as a couple and build a life together... whatever that would have looked like.

I have since given up on the idea. He wasn't budging so I moved on. All the way to New York City. Soon after that, he started getting flirty with me, again. Our conversations became so charged, he would only call me when mom was at work. We began having phone sex, which led to Skype Sex, which led to him bringing back the sexual aspect of his relationship with his older brother. It's a long story, but they were, for the most part, lovers their entire lives until my dad met my mother. They have fucked around only twice since then. The last was after my older brother's wedding about 8 years ago.

And before you ask, no, I would not have sex with my brother. But my uncle and I's relationship has been sexual for quite some time. Something dad did not know about until I told him a few months ago.

Well, I just found out a few weeks ago (as did he and my mother) that dad has stage IV lung cancer. It's in his legs, right arm, brain, heart, liver, pancreas, and who knows where else. No one will tell me the time frame, but I suspect it's not long. He and I have not discussed this, yet... But we do continue to have Skype Sex.

Well, I'll be going home to visit during the middle of next month. I have not been home since I moved here and I thought it was going to be a happy time because he and I were going to be fucking constantly while mom was at work during the day (dad works at night) and discuss our next steps, if we decided we wanted any.

Well, there are no next steps and truth be told, I may never see him alive, again.

But now, I'm not so sure the sex is even a good idea. I feel so selfish for wanting it, but I know he did before his cancer became known. I feel like I should leave it up to him but I know I won't be able to be left alone with him after all we have said over the past year without making a pass, being flirty, or flat out obscenely sexual with him.

I feel, in a way, he's my boyfriend or, dare I say, my husband... And I know him on that level. It would make him so happy to have that full of a romantic relationship with me, even if it is in secret and just for that week. He could recover, he could be gone before I even get there. I feel like I should take what little that one week is and just insist we have sex, at least once, because it's a sure thing and that's the only sure thing we've got right now.

Advice, please!

[AlwaysOpen]

First and foremost- my thoughts are with you in this time. Before even getting to the sexual aspect of all of this-- 1) does your Dad have someone lined up for power of attorney for health care ? If not , he should do it quickly. You, your Mom, even your brother might not be the best choice in this-- he needs someone who can be steady and honor his wishes when the time comes to make some very difficult, as in end of life/hospice decisions. I was that man for an ex- he had spinal cancer, and knew when the quality of life got bad, his family would not or could not sign the paperwork to stop supporting his life. It was a challenge for me, but I knew it was HIS wishes I was signing. To this end- if he has such a person, or whoever he picks to be his POA for health care- they should discuss a code question. If your family never had a cat- then the question could be something like " Do you remember that cat you had back in the 90's with the white face?" This would be the cue to your Dad that things are spiraling down quickly, and the POA needs to sign off on paperwork to begin just pallative care . If he says Yes, or something to that effect, he affirms the decision and will forever give some peace of mind to that person doing his wishes. I wish I had that in place for my ex, and recently for my Mom. In both cases I KNEW the decision they wanted me to make, but it would have been less of a load on my mind if they had affirmed what I was doing for them

2)As far as having sex with your Dad -at this point, he might want to , but his current medical regimen, or the cancer within , might make it just too difficult - or impossible- to actually perform. You should consider this aspect before even going there- the sex you had- real and phone- was always productive and must have been rewarding. Would the failure to get hard or the failure to cum be frustrating to either one of you? And would you rather remember the great sex, or forever recall the last time you tried and it was a train wreck ? It might be far better to just hold your Dad and comfort him at this stage, and save the good days of sex in a pure light, in your memory for years to come.

3) the last thought-- you guys fooled around while Mom was at work. With his health as it is now, she might be around a lot more , and a lot more unexpectedly. (Don't forget- she is bracing for a huge loss too) Is it worth maybe getting caught in an awkward situation by her- causing her even more grief and anger and confusion- as well as your Dad- at this point in the life line? You had some very good experiences- save them in your mind- and your Dad will live on forever. Create a family scandal, and the entire family dynamic will live on, but so messed up ( and with you as the culprit) Death will cause family dynamics to get odd no matter- don't put 5 gallons of gas onto the fire

[evilqueerpig]

Yes, it does matter at this point. What you and your Father experienced together is something to cherish. Given the grave situation of his health, my advice would be to give him your love and support and if you have a private moment, let him know what it means to you to have had him as a lover. It's best not to complicate his last days.

[Deaner]

You have the rest of your life to deal with and process your relationship with him (part of that will involve happy memories, part will be grieving). He, sadly, most likely has a shorter time frame in which to sort through the past and his present feelings. At this point, it may be best to allow him to be at peace with everything so that he can rest comfortably in his final days.

I can't imagine that it would be anything but good for both of you to be open and upfront about your feelings... but if you sense that he has any lingering hesitation, don't push him into anything that would make him feel uncomfortable or regretful. You may find it necessary to hold back a bit in your honesty, or even open up entirely to him, but I think you'd be happier in the end knowing that you were able to set his mind at ease. Follow his lead and make sure he knows that he is loved for all the roles he played in your life.

You might struggle to come to terms with it all after he is gone, but it will be easier knowing you did the right thing for him rather than carrying the regret of upsetting him for the rest of YOUR life.

As for sex... only the two of you will be able to figure out if it is a good thing when you are together. Some relationships are physical, some are emotional, some are both, and sometimes one can get in the way of the other. Maybe it would be good to tell him that you are still interested in rekindling that physical aspect, but if he doesn't feel the same way for whatever reason, I wouldn't complicate things by pushing for it or holding any regret. Enjoy your time with him as best as you can, and he will appreciate that.