What to do now?

[decg31]

Hey guys, would appreciate some input.

I've been barebacking as a bottom for over 6 years. First with a fb who said he was neg, then in a relationship for a few years with a guy who was neg. After that ended, I was single for a year and a half. Hooked up a few times bare, but felt conflicted about it. Sometimes didn't ask status, sometimes went for undetectable guys. Then for about 5 months I dated a poz undetectable top and took his loads a few times a week. Was a bit nervous at first, but was also really turned on by it. Eventually got comfortable with it.

That ended a few weeks ago. I waited long enough to get a reliable early test, and tested neg. Now I feel at a loss as to what to do next. There are a number of factors at play.

I am totally turned off by fucking with condoms. I know it's not a rational thing and that with polymer they don't feel as awful as latex, but I haven't been able to change my feeling about this in almost a decade. I don't believe serosorting is practical. So if I'm not playing bare while single, I see the alternative as just living with sexual frustration, or sometimes giving into it. After less than a month of abstinence, I'm already frustrated. I worry that just living that way could lead me to make poor choices about whom I date.

I don't have to worry at all about the cost of meds if I become poz. I am in excellent health, eat well and exercise very regularly. In general, I don't personally worry much about what the impact on my health would be if I became poz. But I have a high-stress long-hours job (that I very much enjoy).

I can say that I far prefer being in a LTR to being single. I continued to fantasize fairly regularly about being a slutty bb bottom whore when dating, but in general was sexually satisfied with just my guy and was fine with that just being a fantasy. I worry about missing out on 4/5ths of potential partners if I were to become poz.

What do you think I should do?

[einathens]

i say, follow your crotch i mean your heart. you already know you can't play wrapped, that if you try you're just gonna slip up. keep getting tested and know your status.

as for the dating vs. slutting, i dunno. sleeping around might or might not lad you to someone you want to keep seeing, and it might or might not grow from there. there's no way to know what'll happen in advance or how you'll feel about it.

if you try to rush to the destination, you won't enjoy the journey.

[GreenChaser]

Just enjoy life. u seem to be in a good place with work and health. don't worry about being in a relationship. hook up when you want with who you want (but only with who you want and when you want). Go to the bars and meet guys you want to be with. have sex with them if u want. if your not worried about being poz then just do it, ask about status for your own sake if you want but don't dwell on it. If a guy comes along that you want to be with, and he with you, then date. if he's poz and you dont care thats fine, if he's neg then fine. you're at a place with yourself (so it seems) that your comfortable, able, and stable. you don't need to go bug chasing but you don't need to be afraid either. you're in a place similar to many: single, wanting a ltr, and simply afraid or uncomfortable with being alone-- for life or for the night, either way.

Regarding your fantasies about being a slutty bb btm, if you want to go to the baths or on the web and advertize for raw annom loads, then do it. your not worried about converting and u have nothing to loose... there is the concern that someone might now want to be in a ltr with u if you convert, but that is their right. if you are seriously concerned that you wont find someone to be in a ltr with you if your poz, then you need to consider taking precaustions--- not talking about wrapping it but being selective. If you become poz then it was in the cards for you, but you dont need to go seeking it.

I know this was all rambling but i hope it was helpful in some way...

[AlwaysOpen]

You don't mention age, but... the stress job you love today may not be as wonderful in another 5 years. However, you have insurance from this job, and I assume it is reasonable expense-wise. So what happens if you convert between today and 5 years from now when your job sucks? Well, you are stuck in that job for as long as it takes to find a new employer who doesn't require a medical exam as a part of the hiring process.

I have wished I could leave my job for a few years, but I could never swing the cost of private health insurance and my meds... and I doubt I could land a job with the benefits I have now....so until I hit whatever social security deems retirement age, here I am slinging your bags into the belly of your flight

[decg31]

I'm 43 and 15 years into the career. I'm past the point where it sucked. And the insurance is public.

[JoshLandaleXXX]

I dunno how many times it has to be said, but hey, lets keep on saying it because its fun for us.

If you're in doubt, don't do bareback.

Simples!

[decg31]

Hmmm. Do any of us live without doubt? I don't doubt that playing wrapped doesn't work for me. For me the advice of einathens and GreenChaser to not be prescriptive of outcome but rather live the journey has been helpful. Hooked up with an ud poz guy the other night who blew his load in me and it felt good, not just physically but mentally.