I am torn and could use some advice

[bbbtm20]

If you're living a life that's barely in your own hands at the moment, then the last thing you need to be doing is having bareback sex. Hollywoodslut is right to tell you to "get a life" outside of sex. You're going to need something to do with yourself in between fucks and doctor's appointments. I'm no psychologist, but it seems like you're deliberately engaging in self-destructive behavior. Your life isn't in your control, and it isn't what you want it to be, so you're just letting go and letting the fates decide whether and when you contract HIV. Rather than take direct control of your life and your choices, you seem willing to just let (some very bad) things happen to you. Chaser, slut, or otherwise...that's no way to live, kid.

As far as what your life will be like with HIV, there is no single explanation. In my experience, life with HIV is like life with any other chronic ailment, and people treat it like any other grievous life challenge: They react to the best of their abilities. Guys who have a circle of supportive friends, who have interests to occupy their minds and bodies, and who have careers that afford them both insurance/paychecks and a purpose in life tend to fare well with HIV. Guys who have nothing to live for but sex, and who define themselves solely on that, and who blame external forces for whatever setbacks they've suffered in life...don't do as well.

It may be gravely stating the obvious, but HIV/AIDS will kill you. But only if you let it. The Virus doesn't care about your life, or who you are as a man, or why you ended up a cumslut. It just wants to grow until it kills you. And the only one who can keep you alive is yourself. So to prepare yourself for the day when you contract HIV, ask yourself if you want to have a life worth saving and worth fighting for.

[einathens]

until you can fend for yourself, including the cost of meds-covering insurance,my advice to you is don't do it.

nobody is making you bareback. it' a choice you made for yourself, but you're not ready to handle the consequences.

there's nothing wrong with just fantasizing and beating off to the idea.