Finding that special one

[HMR89]

Hey I'm new to the forum here. In any case, I think finding "the one" is very possible. I used to be someone who would have sex whenever I could (since I live with my family that wasn't too often unless the other guy was free) but now that I've found someone who I truly love and who loves me back I know that I'm happy with him sexually, emotionally, physically and romantically. I don't think you need to 'give sex a rest' but I do think you need to give guys a chance. If they bore you, that's different. I thought my relationships would be that way but I'm CRAZY and my boyfriend is too and he knows how to handle me. So, at the end of the day you need to decide whether your "the one" should be a whackjob who could keep things exciting and unstable or if he should be someone stable and emotionally grounded.

[bigdick4you]

Hey I'm new to the forum here. In any case, I think finding "the one" is very possible. I used to be someone who would have sex whenever I could (since I live with my family that wasn't too often unless the other guy was free) but now that I've found someone who I truly love and who loves me back I know that I'm happy with him sexually, emotionally, physically and romantically. I don't think you need to 'give sex a rest' but I do think you need to give guys a chance. If they bore you, that's different. I thought my relationships would be that way but I'm CRAZY and my boyfriend is too and he knows how to handle me. So, at the end of the day you need to decide whether your "the one" should be a whackjob who could keep things exciting and unstable or if he should be someone stable and emotionally grounded.

I think u make a lot of sense.... I know right guy is out there.... And u r right.... I should give guys a chance....in the end it's all about connection and feeling good next to someone instead of insecure for whatever reason...think it's important that u know how to bring the best in each other instead of the worst... Think I will try to go for the stable and emotionally grounded ones...

[AversiveSublime]

Think I will try to go for the stable and emotionally grounded ones...

So he can destroy their sanity with jealousy and needless drama in spite of being in an open relationship. no doubt!

[HMR89]

I think u make a lot of sense.... I know right guy is out there.... And u r right.... I should give guys a chance....in the end it's all about connection and feeling good next to someone instead of insecure for whatever reason...think it's important that u know how to bring the best in each other instead of the worst... Think I will try to go for the stable and emotionally grounded ones...

Yeah do that. Sometimes fights will happen but instability helps bring about stability later on. That's what i've experienced. My boyfriend and I have had THE WORST and most apocalyptic fights EVER. It's because I have the tendency to test people unintentionally (moon scorpio here ) but we passed through all of that and we haven't had a serious fight in a LONG time. Insecurity is just going to ruin things but I think to some extent everyone's insecure. You know what they say- the opposite of love is indifference and if someone doesn't care about you hooking up with other people, that COULD (not would) mean that he doesn't really care. But on the other hand my ex and I loved each other and we were in an open relationship- that was my first gay relationship ever.

With my current, I've told him he can do whatever he wants with whomever cuz i'm open minded like that- but he'd have to tell me the truth every time. He has never cheated on me to date. The idea, IMO, is to give the other person space so that they always find their way back to you and do not want to betray you.

[HMR89]

Lol @needless drama. I'll admit that the needless drama can be quite annoying really. But once things settle, they settle for a long time. Fights are just part of getting to know one another. Would YOU rather be with someone who didn't care much and was always cold or would you prefer to be with someone who showed you he cared? IMO jealousy shows that the other person cares and the needless drama paves the path for a more stable relationship.

[bigdick4you]

Lol @needless drama. I'll admit that the needless drama can be quite annoying really. But once things settle, they settle for a long time. Fights are just part of getting to know one another. Would YOU rather be with someone who didn't care much and was always cold or would you prefer to be with someone who showed you he cared? IMO jealousy shows that the other person cares and the needless drama paves the path for a more stable relationship.

I think needless drama is never good....I'm sure my ex cares for me like I care for him.... But we drive each other nuts! And fights an jealousy can be healthy but in moderation....and it's also important how u end a fight.... Do u do character killing or do u somehow show some respect to that person even when u r angry? Don't like people who r vicious and say hurtful things.... The trick is to respect each others wishes and let the other person be free and develop himself.... Otherwise they will resent u for it...have learned that and will not try to smother them with jealousy...won't let anyone disrespect me either...

[AlwaysOpen]

Hey Big- I just responded to you privately before going all the way thru the thread-- and am still up for a beer. Now as to the 2 of you- let me toss in a cookie- my ex was diagnosed with spinal cancer in 96-we had 16 years together at that point. After 2, 18 hour surgeries to remove as much of the cancer and rebuild the spine, he recovered and was back on his feet with an estimated 3 yr life span. 6 months later, he began an unknown affair- at the 1 yr point, he announced it to me, and we crumbled - much like you and the ex seem to be.Arguing, counselling, and finally me leaving him . Funny thing, like your subbottom, I ranted on one of those early forum boards int he hometown of his affair boyfriend. It never solved anything- but in a few months time,after I left, the affair was over- and he was alone and dealing with the progression of the cancer. We reconnected as friends, as I hope you two can/will do. I was his proxy for health care decisions, and when the time came, he had entrusted me to decide his end of life path. I felt a connection to him, and we were able to see the last day as good friends, before he went on his last journey. I hope the two of you can find that peace in your angst, stress and anger will only drag you both into a bad place healthwise. And BTW- I have been looking 13 years since, and am still hunting-- so don't expect it to just flop in front of you and announce itself as your special "one" .

[bigdick4you]

Hey Big- I just responded to you privately before going all the way thru the thread-- and am still up for a beer. Now as to the 2 of you- let me toss in a cookie- my ex was diagnosed with spinal cancer in 96-we had 16 years together at that point. After 2, 18 hour surgeries to remove as much of the cancer and rebuild the spine, he recovered and was back on his feet with an estimated 3 yr life span. 6 months later, he began an unknown affair- at the 1 yr point, he announced it to me, and we crumbled - much like you and the ex seem to be.Arguing, counselling, and finally me leaving him . Funny thing, like your subbottom, I ranted on one of those early forum boards int he hometown of his affair boyfriend. It never solved anything- I hope so too.... As I do care but in a few months time,after I left, the affair was over- and he was alone and dealing with the progression of the cancer. We reconnected as friends, as I hope you two can/will do. I was his proxy for health care decisions, and when the time came, he had entrusted me to decide his end of life path. I felt a connection to him, and we were able to see the last day as good friends, before he went on his last journey. I hope the two of you can find that peace in your angst, stress and anger will only drag you both into a bad place healthwise. And BTW- I have been looking 13 years since, and am still hunting-- so don't expect it to just flop in front of you and announce itself as your special "one" .

I really hope so as I obviously luv him very much.... Loved him as a bf and luv him as a friend... He has said some pretty hurtful things about me on here.... Like I was only interested in pozzing him and then move on as I would have lost interest....that just shows me he never knew who I really was at all...put his name on my bank account.... So he would access to my account when I was away on trips and needed money.... Didn't trust me on this one either.... No it was done in Germany and I was tricking him into something...i felt hurt....all I wanted was to provide for him and take care of him.... I was no angel either... I was jealous and wanted him for myself.... A mistake I will never make.... But enough of this.... A Beer and maybe dinner in Berlin sounds great!

[HMR89]

I don't like to kill who he is nor do I like to say vicious and hurtful things because I still love and respect him. I just push him to piss him off but never to hurt him. I just want him to tell me he loves me and won't go anywhere no matter how much I may push him (reasonably) because his love is stronger than my doubt.

[AversiveSublime]

The biggest issues I have had from nearly the beginning was the way BigDick would force these discussions on "setting rules" for our relationship which were tedious discussions with very little direction or point and THEN him breaking those agreements by hiding his activities from me only to come clean days or weeks later. The actions didn't matter really though I admit that some of the guys he hooked up with were repulsive to me and that made me feel uneasy about what he might be bringing "home". If he showed me some not so terrible looking tricks just what did the ones he was hiding from me look like???? There was a lack of security there that I did my best to deal with and I gave him second chance after second chance with it.

I never had sex with anyone outside of our relationship without him. There were times when we broke up and I did, but pretty much everytime it was a pnp situation and it ended not so great and I told him about it, most of the time within 24 hours of the incident.

The jealousy outbursts from him ranged from saying kind of nasty things out of no where about my weight and looks, some features of my skin complexion that I have had since I was a teenager to stupid stuff like "I've never dated anyone poor before, I don't think it will work out" to him putting sexual pressure when I had some weird stuff going on down there from either food I ate or stress or some other anal issue I haven't been able to get diagnosed that happens pretty often. If he had been more versatile and/or didn't suck dick with his teeth, we might have been able to do something those times, and I even went through the pain of it just to be accomodating, but each time that happened I felt less and less like he really cared about me as much as he cared about having sex. I even said to him "I really don't mind if you have sex with others, it takes some of the pressure off me" (being the bottom in the relationship with no hope of anything else as mentioned below).

As for the bank account thing, I was raised to be weary of giving someone you don't really trust your personal information, and based on what was happening, with the lying about hookups and other comments probably made in jest (but who really knows) I felt uneasy. Also, my iPhone went missing along with my ID and a (prepaid) credit card I had, that I am sure his flatmate at the time grabbed and gave to a friend to sell, so there was enough stuff going on to make me suspicious.

It hurts to keep trying and trying and forcing back your better judgement and emotions to make something work only to find out that it doesn't mean that much to the other person.

Our trip in Orlando, which was important to me because I had just finished a tough semester with school and my dad getting very ill to the point he nearly died, he actually "coded" at one point in ICU while he was septic from a pill that went down the wrong way. I wanted us to just have a good time, and that was meant to be a stress free starting over adventure together. But it was rainy and we had to find a flat in Berlin directly after the trip.

Rather than just take a step away from everything and trust that it all would work out he complained constantly about the rain. It worked out that EVERY park we visited when it rained had rides on which we got more than a little wet anyways. On nicer days it was hot and a bit humid but dry as a bone and we managed to be at parks with no wet rides. But still the complaining and at one point he wanted to just piss away the rest of our vacation and park tickets to go straight to Berlin to apartment hunt but it is all by appointment and in spite of my lack of reading German I managed to browse the available listings and make appointment inquiries from Orlando. There was no need to rush to Berlin early.

For me that was a bit devastating. I needed a nice time with my boyfriend and I needed him to trust me when I said "everything will work out", just relax and enjoy this time and we will take it one day at a time. I didn't cause the HORRID living situation with his flatmate in Berlin that we went to after Orlando, which pretty clearly led to that asshole stealing my phone and ID. I begged him for weeks prior to just be civil and get along and "don't bring me into a bad situation with that guy". We had to just live there until we found a place and the last thing I needed was to be in a hostile situation in a new country I had never visited before. He couldn't even keep that promise to me.

The last night I was there, we were out and I was having a fun time, a lot more drunk than was probably good for us, but it was a nice time nonetheless when all of a sudden the controlling/jealousy thing kicked in. He started making a public scene, he scratched me and pulled on my clothes. I fought every instinct NOT to hit him, something that I had promised I would never do again and I kept that promise. We made our way back to the flat but every step of the way he kept bringing up my phone and the flatmate and it just kept making me more and more angry. That night ended with the flatmate calling the cops and even though I wasn't ordered to leave I had had enough. I packed my shit and took off for the airport and sat there for ten hours and then got on a flight back home to the states.

He claims he showed up at the airport for me but I had already boarded. Not that it mattered in all honesty because I wasn't going back to that shithole with that flat mate thief anyways. But I was there in plain sight for nearly half a day, part of me hoping he would come but as far as I am concerned he didn't. He can say he did, but its just like every other time he said something and it wasn't true in the end.

That was in July, two days before we were supposed to take the keys to our flat together.

More recently, we had been talking finally, established ourselves as friends and he kept saying "we should meet and do something" and I made time finally to meet up in spite of being pretty busy with school and helping to take care of my father who is bedridden and shits himself without knowing it. I set aside about four days for three weeks in a row, and every week there was another reason he couldn't do that week. His work schedule most of the time, even though when we were together he was offer to drop his trips at the tip of a hat to see me. So there was a difference there. I told him if we met there would be no sex and he would reply "well I don't see why not if we are both up for it", and I then had to clarify that "I wasn't up for it". It just became apparent that our communication is broken. I know it is not on my end. I have suffered through a lot to make concessions and just be patient only to find out that I am chasing one bullshit carrot stick after another with him.

I just wanted a friend at this point. I am so stressed out. It has been one thing after another for over a year now, with my living situation with my parents and them getting older and not being healthy as they were, with school being harder because of that stress and maybe from the few times I partied with people who got off on feeding other people's paranoia and god knows what else, and the drama of the relationship. It hurts when the one person you counted on, in spite of knowing better, that had the key to giving you a break and an escape from the stressors in your life is just out to serve their own sexual agenda(s). I know that falls on deaf ears here, and 99% of you are so emotionally broken, too, and will cut me down for sharing this, but it is the truth.

BigDick is a good person at heart. We come from different countries and backgrounds and there is an age difference and he is sometimes very aloof (i guess) to things around him. I think what happens to me when I party with weirdos, where I get paranoid about their intentions is sort of what happens to him when we drank together and he had too much. One time I went to the bathroom at a bar in London and when I came back he was furious and accused me of having sex with some guy I didn't even see until he pointed him out. I didn't understand it. Until that moment I was happy and I thought we were having a really great time out together! It was heartbreaking to be accused like that especially when it wasn't true. That was a common occurance with him. We had an open relationship though, so even if I was that type, it shouldn't have mattered, but I would have told him about it because that is what we agreed to do if we had encounters with others. My philosophy in relationships has always been like the song "Save the last dance for me". What else can you do after enough times of seeing everything just fall apart in your face. I bet most people would be emotionally broken and untrusting and feel like it was impossible to go forward too.

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x6eof_michael-buble-save-the-last-dance_music