Do I tell him his (now) ex BF is poz?

[Guest]

I've got a dilemma going on right now.

This guy is a close friend of my former partner (and more of an acquaintance for me) has been poz for at least a decade that I can remember. He didn't tell his BF of the time, was barebacking him and the bf got poz. Bf thought it was from someone else and had passed then passed it to this guy (whereas it was actually the other way around). I knew all of this, bit my tongue and said nothing. They split a decade ago and new bf came along before too long.

Yesterday I had a conversation with this guys now ex bf (exBF2), they'd been together for nearly a decade and recently opened their relationship, as long as both played safe. I understand in the past week this guy had bareback sex with an undetectable guy and exBF2 went mental at the idea, at being lied to for promising safe sex with others, and dumped this guy.

Do I tell the latest ex bf that he's been taking poz loads off this guy for the past decade and hadn't once been told by his bf that he was poz? ExBF2 is off to get tested this week, just incase (off his own back, I made little comment other than it was probably a good idea.

FYI Both ex BF's are REALLY nice guys, whereas "this guy" really isn't!

[cnyrawfukr]

A big, unequivocal "mind your business" from me.

[lower_bucks_bottom]

If exBF2 is already getting tested and should test poz, he'll figure it out on his own. I would only say something if asked directly.

[bearbandit]

A big, unequivocal "mind your business" from me.

Have to agree here: there's no way you can get out of telling what you know and come up smelling of roses. I know things about some of my friends that they wouldn't want their partners to know and wild horses wouldn't drag the knowledge from me. Only the other weekend I discovered that one of my best friends already knew that I'd had a thing going with his partner fifteen years ago (after they'd got together). I doubt we'll ever mention it again - it was my friend's partner that let it slip. Sometimes you do shitty things, or hear of shitty things. Unless you're prepared to pick up all the pieces, you keep your trap shut.

[VersatileBreeder]

I have to agree with the consensus here. If your friend turns up poz after barebacking with "this guy" for the past decade, then the damage is already done, there is nothing you can do about it. You telling your friend what you know can only make things worse. "This guy" sounds like an asshole. I doubt it makes any difference to you if he will dislike you because you ratted him out, but why make an enemy that you will have to worry about? But also, it sounds like the other guy in the equation here, exBF2 is a friend of yours. If you do tell him this, he may be angry that you watched him have a relationship with this poz guy for 10 years and didn't say anything to warn him. It's hard to gauge how that will go, because I don't really know how much concern he had with staying neg. Has he not gotten tested in the past 10 years? If so, that means that he is either: a) not concerned with turning poz or so trusting of the man he was with that he saw no reason to get tested.

Best thing at this point, don't say anything unless doing so will help protect anyone from getting hurt going forward.

[rawTOP]

You've already done the right first step - getting them to get tested.

Otherwise don't step in unless someone is being blamed for something they didn't do. Then I think it's OK to say something to clear the innocent party.

[Guest]

Thanks guys, nothing will be said for now.

[HMR89]

I would've actually told him. This isn't a light matter especially if the other guy isn't prepared for this or doesn't want HIV. And if 'this guy' isn't nice you have more reason to tell the ex bf.

[bbzh]

I understand why you are tempted to intervene but - with all due respect - this is very clearly none of your business and could cause all kinds of unwanted problems for you. It sounds like both of the victims could have exerted more pressure on this poz guy by insisting on seeing a negative test result before barebacking with this guy and neither did. They simply took the poz guy's word for it, which is on THEM.

You did the right thing by encouraging the new guy to get a test and you might go a step further by encouraging anybody else you know to get proof of a negative test result.

The problem I have with this scenario is that in the first case, the first ex "could" by his own admission have been pozzed by someone else.

This story hits very close to home for me because I don't know if:1) my current bf pozzed me or 2) I pozzed him or 3) we were pozzed by others. But here's the rub: it really doesn't matter how either of us pozzed because we were both out there. I found out I was poz first and IMMEDIATELY told him. He disappeared (because he was in a relationship at the time) but reappeared two years later. It took a lot of pressure from my side for him to get tested - which he finally did a year ago, and he is poz.

Now that doesn't mean he pozzed me but I took many high viral loads from him - but that was my choice. And just because I found out first doesn't make me the guilty one. He didn't rape me. It would be an invasion of his privacy and jeopardize his career if I decided to tell everybody I knew about his health.

I hope anyone reading this who is barebacking but not getting regularly tested takes this story very seriously. I am not angry or bitter about what happened to me. In fact, I am very healthy and had no problems with the meds. HIV caused no financial strain for me because the meds are covered by insurance. However my bf's denial about his status nearly cost him his life because by the time he faced the music, his CD4 count was very low - in the range where one opportunistic infection would have killed him.

So in a nutshell, your health is your responsibility and your business. It's a slippery slope to start spreading info about people and invading their privacy simply because you think they are not nice people.

Edited December 3, 2013 by bbzh

[HMR89]

BBZH I agree with your stance about a person's health being his own responsibility but that does not mean that if you could stop his health from getting affected, that you shouldn't inform them. You took your guy's load two years ago and you are now living with HIV and are prepared to live that way because you HAVE BEEN infected. What about the other guys that would sleep with "this guy"? You're looking at YOUR situation too closely. What about the other few guys he would infect who would then, infect others and so on and so forth?

This isn't about "this guy" being nice or not- it's about allowing others to make informed decisions. You may be fine with your life choices but try looking at this from the point of view of a person who isn't informed, isn't ready for HIV, doesn't WANT to get HIV and is sleeping with someone who may well be lying about his status (and sleeps with him in the heat of the moment).

To me, it's equivalent to letting a rapist/murderer/criminal run loose by omission- you KNOW they are how and who they are and I'd think it my responsibility to inform others of this guy's HIV status- regardless of whether or not they WANT TO GET HIV.

[cnyrawfukr]

Agree 100%. Be accountable for your own health decisions, don't expect others to look out for you. HIV victimhood is increasingly becoming a tool to persecute, and prosecute, gay men. HIV victimhood stops with me!

[Bttm2go]

I agree not telling him. He could ask you why you didn't give him a heads up ten years ago. I would.

[HMR89]

You guys wouldn't want your friends or others to look out for you? You wouldn't want someone to inform you about a decision you're making so that you could make an INFORMED decision? This doesn't sound wrong to you in any way?

[bbzh]

...try looking at this from the point of view of a person who isn't informed, isn't ready for HIV, doesn't WANT to get HIV and is sleeping with someone who may well be lying about his status (and sleeps with him in the heat of the moment).

I find it hard to believe that anyone who is barebacking in this day and age is unaware that they can be infected by having unsafe sex. If you are not "ready" for HIV or don't want it, you can always use a condom or practice abstinence. If I was determined to stay negative, I would go get tested with a potential partner and even do follow up tests since chances are, over the course of the relationship, someone might stray.

I am not minimalizing your argument here, but I can't bring myself to place the blame on someone else because I wasn't willing to take responsibility for myself. People lie all the time. But it's kind of hard for a liar to produce a negative test result, right? And I think the minute the poz guy in this story was asked to get a test or produce a recent test result, this story would be over. And that does not require my friends' help at all. The test is my "informed" decision.

[HMR89]

Hmm. Okay, I'll agree to disagree.