Do I tell her I'm poz?

[VersatileBreeder]

I would like to know why you cannot have your own family know, as it makes me wonder what else you may be hiding. Are you simply embarrassed to have it come out? Embarrassed about them finding out how you obtained it? Or is there more to it? Regardless othe answer, you're simply trying to hide this from people, instead of just not bringing it up. If you were going to avoid the topic, fine; but hiding it means you hide it for a reason, while not bringing it up implies that it isn't important. Either ignoring the issue, or bringing it up will yield a positive outcome, if at all, for either side.

Rayne, this is a bit complicated, but I am willing to explain... In short, the reason I am hiding this from my family is because telling them will do way more harm than good.

First and foremost, my parents are incredibly homophobic. They have no idea that I am into guys... at all. I never let them on to that. Now, I realize that many on this site will see their homophobia as offensive and repressive. I agree, it is. They are incredibly old school Italian people. Their views on homosexuals are distorted. They think homosexuality is something a person chooses. I was watching the news once with my father and there was a clip of the gay pride parade on that night. My father shook his head and said, "can you imagine having a gay son?" My mom shook her head in disapproval at the thought. I just shrugged it off and didn't say anything, but it really stabbed me like a knife that my parents think that way. Despite all this, they are my parents and I love them to death. They gave me everything, made sacrifices for my sisters and I and they have done everything right in raising me. If I have to disclose to them that I am into guys they will be crushed.

That's only the tip of the iceberg. Now onto the heavy shit... If I tell them I got infected with HIV, it will absolutely kill them. I may as well tell my mother that her son died because that is how she will take the news. She will lose an insane amount of sleep, which happens ANY time she has even the slightest worry on her mind (example: she didn't sleep for a week when my sister was planning her wedding and chose to get married under a tent by the beach instead of a church). She will be stricken with fear and worry that will overtake her life. My father will be distraught about it and would likely disown me because he can't deal with the shame that he has a gay son, who ALSO has HIV. And he would probably beat himself up over it thinking that it's somehow his fault, like maybe he didn't spend enough father-son time with me when I was younger. Clearly, I can't do this to my parents. What's the point?

So, it's not so much that I am embarrassed. It's more or less just trying to maintain damage control.

[VersatileBreeder]

Do not at all have sex with her until you tell her..giving someone hiv when they dont want it ruins their life....you have to tell her about it and let her decide.

Kloik and bb1991- Trust me, having sex with her right now is the last thing on my mind. Not only is it dangerous, but it is also utterly pointless and counter-productive. The risk of spreading HIV to her is too great and scary. Also, it is showing her that I want to further the relationship, which is exactly what I DON'T want to do. So no worries, we will not be having any sex.

[bbzh]

Is there any possibility to uproot your life and move? You need a break from this situation and a new beginning. If you can't move, it will be difficult to maintain a relationship with this woman even if it's nonsexual. Too much baggage.

No harm intended but you need to talk to a therapist in my opinion. Too many balls in the air. Come to terms with being poz, take care of yourself FIRST. And please stop worrying about how your girlfriend will feel, what your parents will think etc. Nothing makes me sadder than to see adults living their lives in fear and in shame. Be the captain of your own ship and stop letting other people control your life. If people can't accept you and everything that comes with that, then do they really deserve to occupy such an important place in your life? You can divorce your family you know. It doesn't mean you stop loving them or are ungrateful for what they did for you. And you can come out the closet, if you choose to, without telling people you are poz. If your parents say it hurts them to have a gay son, you can turn it right back on them and say it hurts you to have homophobic parents.

Whatever is eating away at you at the moment, trust me, if you let it go, it will let you go.

[Rayne]

Rayne, this is a bit complicated, but I am willing to explain... In short, the reason I am hiding this from my family is because telling them will do way more harm than good.

So, it's not so much that I am embarrassed. It's more or less just trying to maintain damage control.

First off, nothing is complicated. The only thing that is complicated is accepting things as they are when they don't fit our personal view of them, while reality itself is always simple.

I think you've found your own answer to the situation in your response to me. You're assuming you know the reaction, which is a mistake I made with my family for years. Short and simple: I cam out to my parents at 19 that I was trans, which is the truth, but I also have never had an ounce of support outside of friends being there emotionally. Now, I haven't pursued anything to make my life better (ie: being female in any way), but it's beside the point. My point is that the reaction that parents have to their child, versus the reaction to something on the television, is not always the same. My folks would actually talk shit about gay people, and especially those who were trans, and get me involved with it; and in fact, when I wouldn't take a side, they would treat me like I didn't know what I was talking about. A few years later, they listen to me tell them I would rather be their daughter, and they go on ignoring that I ever said a thing. They didn't even offer up counselling, I had to ask for it. I expected them to freak out, but not in a way that their brains practically purged the idea.

I'm not saying this will be the case for you, or that I know what they will say; I'm simply saying that people aren't always going to react the way you expect. Personally, I should have seen their reaction coming, because they are the type of people who always deny facts that they don't want to believe. I once came home smelling like a weed farm that caught fire, heavily drunk, giggly, and stoned out of my gourd, and they ignored it all; not one question. My sister caught on, but my parents thought I was just tired. Could there be something similar with your parents/family? Maybe, maybe not; you need to analyse the situation at hand and not jump to conclusions. Damage control is impossible, especially when you're trying to hide something. Either don't hide, and treat it like it isn't a big deal, or tell them. The longer you hide it, instead of treating it like nothing, the worse any person's reaction will be; and any person who says otherwise is very likely lying their tits off. People can't get as mad when at you when you don't treat something like a big deal, but they have 99 problems with why you hid something/lied about it.

As far as the actual HIV part potentially hurting them- of course they will feel sad, it's fairly common. I still raise the question: what will their reaction be when they find out from a different source? You can't assume something won't happen, like them finding out, you have to assume something will happen. Just like every big decision in life, you have to plan for things to go wrong. You didn't plan on being poz, and it wasn't like you were actively chasing it; so you already have an advantage with the truth. The longer you drag out a lie, the less likely anyone is going to believe the truth or even want involvement in your life, because they won't know what else you may have lied about. Not saying people will automatically alienate you, but the chances are higher when you lie.

Then again, to quote House, "It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is what about." It's also true that some of the most successful relationships are based on lies. Then again, with that philosophy, it's also better to quote House again, "I'm a big believer that the best way to get passed the past is to shoot it in the head, bury it in a deep pit and pour a lie on it."

I lie to my family about almost every detail about me, and I live with them; I wouldn't advocate lying unless it was something stupid, say a broken battery door for the Tivo remote. Thanks to me lying to them about my chronic pain, always saying I'm fine when I'd be considering calling around for a drug dealer to score me pain killers, they have no clue how long I've actually been suffering chronic pain; and to make it worse, I don't have a good memory thanks to some of the meds I've been put on in the past. Me lying about my health has made it worse for me, and I'm not even that bad off. But, this could be making me biased. Do what you think is best, but only because you find it to be the best for everyone involved; this is your life too. Take as long as you need to find an answer, but don't expect a lie to have the best outcome. Focus on what's best for you, and work out the more minute details to do "damage control" so you don't feel as guilty, if it makes you feel better. The world isn't a fair place because of two types of people: those who want to make everyone else happy, and those who only care about their own happiness; sounds like you're the former, and your family is the latter. I could be wrong, but with this stuff... I'm not always that wrong.

Think about it. Take some time to process it. You don't have to make up your mind tomorrow, or even in a week. Just sit back, process it, and go about your life for a while. There's no better way to remain objective in this situation than to stop stressing about how everyone else is going to handle it.

[hungry_hole]

If your parents say it hurts them to have a gay son, you can turn it right back on them and say it hurts you to have homophobic parents.

Uh? Gay son? Homophobic parents? I don't know why this has to be turn into an issue of "gay politics" and "homophobia". Do you think that an intravenous HIV infection of a young man would be OK with any parent or girlfriend?

[VersatileBreeder]

Rayne, I appreciate your comments, but I am having trouble understanding your rationale. I'm not trying to disagree with you here but there are a few points you made that I want to counter...

1) You are saying that I am assuming I know the reaction my parents will have. Believe me, I am not assuming. I KNOW the reaction they will have. Not telling them is more for their sake than it is mine. My mother just lost her sister at a young age to cancer two years ago and is still sad about it. On top of that, she has the stress of taking care of my elderly grandparents who suffer from dementia and deteriorating health. She needs to hear that her son is HIV+ like she needs a hole in the head right now. I just cannot do that to her, it will kill her. Same goes for my father.

2) I don't really understand what you mean when you said "Either don't hide, and treat it like it isn't a big deal, or tell them." I basically want to treat it like it isn't a big deal and not tell them. As long as I can take meds and stay healthy, then there is nothing to gain from telling them. There is nothing that they will be able to do to help me or change my situation. Like I said before, only bad can come from them knowing.

3) When it comes to being the type of person who wants to make everyone else happy, yeah, I kind of am a people-pleaser. But I also understand that you cannot make everyone happy all the time. What I am trying to avoid here, is making everyone sad and wrecking their lives. My family aren't the type of people though who care only about their own happiness. Yes, they want to be happy, but they also thrive on making others happy too. But like I said, I don't want to make this a worrying stress factor in their lives. There is just no need for it and nothing that can be gained from it.

Again, thank you for your feedback. But I really think I am going to follow my ID doctor's advice when I asked him who I should tell. His response was "keep it to yourself. Only tell people on a need to know basis" (as in, those at risk of contracting it from me, like sex partners).

First off, nothing is complicated. The only thing that is complicated is accepting things as they are when they don't fit our personal view of them, while reality itself is always simple.

I think you've found your own answer to the situation in your response to me. You're assuming you know the reaction, which is a mistake I made with my family for years. Short and simple: I cam out to my parents at 19 that I was trans, which is the truth, but I also have never had an ounce of support outside of friends being there emotionally. Now, I haven't pursued anything to make my life better (ie: being female in any way), but it's beside the point. My point is that the reaction that parents have to their child, versus the reaction to something on the television, is not always the same. My folks would actually talk shit about gay people, and especially those who were trans, and get me involved with it; and in fact, when I wouldn't take a side, they would treat me like I didn't know what I was talking about. A few years later, they listen to me tell them I would rather be their daughter, and they go on ignoring that I ever said a thing. They didn't even offer up counselling, I had to ask for it. I expected them to freak out, but not in a way that their brains practically purged the idea.

I'm not saying this will be the case for you, or that I know what they will say; I'm simply saying that people aren't always going to react the way you expect. Personally, I should have seen their reaction coming, because they are the type of people who always deny facts that they don't want to believe. I once came home smelling like a weed farm that caught fire, heavily drunk, giggly, and stoned out of my gourd, and they ignored it all; not one question. My sister caught on, but my parents thought I was just tired. Could there be something similar with your parents/family? Maybe, maybe not; you need to analyse the situation at hand and not jump to conclusions. Damage control is impossible, especially when you're trying to hide something. Either don't hide, and treat it like it isn't a big deal, or tell them. The longer you hide it, instead of treating it like nothing, the worse any person's reaction will be; and any person who says otherwise is very likely lying their tits off. People can't get as mad when at you when you don't treat something like a big deal, but they have 99 problems with why you hid something/lied about it.

As far as the actual HIV part potentially hurting them- of course they will feel sad, it's fairly common. I still raise the question: what will their reaction be when they find out from a different source? You can't assume something won't happen, like them finding out, you have to assume something will happen. Just like every big decision in life, you have to plan for things to go wrong. You didn't plan on being poz, and it wasn't like you were actively chasing it; so you already have an advantage with the truth. The longer you drag out a lie, the less likely anyone is going to believe the truth or even want involvement in your life, because they won't know what else you may have lied about. Not saying people will automatically alienate you, but the chances are higher when you lie.

Then again, to quote House, "It's a basic truth of the human condition that everybody lies. The only variable is what about." It's also true that some of the most successful relationships are based on lies. Then again, with that philosophy, it's also better to quote House again, "I'm a big believer that the best way to get passed the past is to shoot it in the head, bury it in a deep pit and pour a lie on it."

I lie to my family about almost every detail about me, and I live with them; I wouldn't advocate lying unless it was something stupid, say a broken battery door for the Tivo remote. Thanks to me lying to them about my chronic pain, always saying I'm fine when I'd be considering calling around for a drug dealer to score me pain killers, they have no clue how long I've actually been suffering chronic pain; and to make it worse, I don't have a good memory thanks to some of the meds I've been put on in the past. Me lying about my health has made it worse for me, and I'm not even that bad off. But, this could be making me biased. Do what you think is best, but only because you find it to be the best for everyone involved; this is your life too. Take as long as you need to find an answer, but don't expect a lie to have the best outcome. Focus on what's best for you, and work out the more minute details to do "damage control" so you don't feel as guilty, if it makes you feel better. The world isn't a fair place because of two types of people: those who want to make everyone else happy, and those who only care about their own happiness; sounds like you're the former, and your family is the latter. I could be wrong, but with this stuff... I'm not always that wrong.

Think about it. Take some time to process it. You don't have to make up your mind tomorrow, or even in a week. Just sit back, process it, and go about your life for a while. There's no better way to remain objective in this situation than to stop stressing about how everyone else is going to handle it.

[Rayne]

Glad you're taking what I say in the correct light, and not getting upset over it. I know some will think I'm trying to be a know-it-all, but I'm more so trying to just help out in my own way lol. I don't know how else to put what I've said it for you, but I will try to answer you in three points as best I can.

1) You can never know anything for sure until you've tested out your theory. Even though we can be absolutely certain about something, we can still be wrong. Even though I have a very slim chance of getting struck by lightning, I still would prefer to be under cover when there's lightning strikes in my area. We have quantum mechanics, but it's all still a theory, never proven; and we understand that it could all be wrong. You need to consider the possibility that maybe you're assuming you know their reaction, even if you're completely sure you know the answer.

2) I meant you shouldn't actively hide your HIV status. Basically, it sounds like you're doing whatever you can to prevent having the topic arise, ultimately treating it like a big deal in an indirect way. If you did happen to mention it to this girl, then don't treat the topic as if it really matters; you approach her with a very calm demeanour, you avoid making it much of a topic by saying something like, "I just wanted you to know about it from me so you don't potentially hear about it from someone else, and get freaked out. I contracted it after we last had sex, I have the paperwork to prove it, and I wanted you to feel at ease, just in case you managed to hear about it and think you have been at risk." Something very nonchalant would be the best method to handle it. It also shows that you've come to terms with everything, and it shows that you're able to handle the news on your own; this also will make her less likely to be vulnerable to her subconscious desire to tell someone because you might "need help" dealing with it (most women I have met do this for some reason). For many of those who are like you, in the sense of wanting to help others, hearing this kind of news opens a person up to being very loose lipped about these topics; but when someone doesn't seem to be bothered by their own misfortune, it's a weird social thing that makes the other party less likely to seek out help for the other person. Of course, "seeking help" is not always what it appears to be, but that's the root I've managed to find in the behaviour.

3) This kind of falls under the same explanation I had above: If you don't treat the news like it's going to be life changing to you, then your family will take the news much better. Many tend to be empathetic because we have created a society that thrives on empathy (ironically in a world filled with war that holds little emotion). This is also why I recommend telling them when you are ready, not necessarily when you think they are ready. That is probably the most important part; actually telling people when you yourself are ready to tell them. For now, a counsellor or doctor is the best person to consult with, at least when it comes to handling the news or the medical procedures. The people here can also be very helpful, so consider this like group therapy lol. Also, a local HIV support group could help out. But when it comes to telling those you love/care about, I'd recommend you tell them when the news itself has settled in; this way, they know and won't potentially have the issue of being blindsided in the future; you could one day be in the hospital, they are called in, and a doctor slips up by accident, for example. Even worse, someone could find out and tell your family without your knowledge. Unlikely? I wouldn't swear to it.

Like I, and I know at least one other member here, has put it before: I ride a motorbike, and I accept the risk. I do not deny the risk, nor do I think the risk probability doesn't apply to me; I simply just carry on with my life. If I crash, I accept that as part of life. I used this before in relation to barebacking, but I'll make it a metaphor here as well. Since you are poz, you are going to have to live with it. Even though people may find out, you're still going to have to live a normal life without it getting ni the way. The chances that someone might find out about this, over something like a small penis (who cares what, but let's make it emasculating for the fun of it), are much higher, even if slim. Since you and I are both going to just continue living our lives, you being poz and me still riding my motorbike, we are both going to have to live with the risk of something bad happening. It isn't necessarily a good metaphor, but I tried... so sue me!

Just try to let it sink in. It hasn't been too long since you've heard what I've said, as well as what others have said on this forum. Take you time, think about it, and make your decision when it feels like it's time.

All I really have to say for advice about right now: keep talking to those who are openly supportive (people on here, counsellors, etc.), and try not feel weird if someone approaches the topic outside of hear. Just try to casually not take part in it, and if someone notices your discomfort, just say you know someone with it who found out recently. If you are your own friend, it technically isn't a lie, right? That's the only workaround I have for ya, so abuse it LOL. Until you make your choice on how to handle everything, just don't let yourself stress too much over the topic. It's okay to dedicate some time to it when you feel the need, but try not to let it bother you to the brink of insanity.

Hopefully this helped a bit. Feel free to PM me if you like too. I do prefer posting it all here though, since you might not be the only one to get something out of it, good or bad. I'm all for equal opportunity.

[GermanFucker]

3) When it comes to being the type of person who wants to make everyone else happy, yeah, I kind of am a people-pleaser. But I also understand that you cannot make everyone happy all the time. What I am trying to avoid here, is making everyone sad and wrecking their lives. My family aren't the type of people though who care only about their own happiness. Yes, they want to be happy, but they also thrive on making others happy too. But like I said, I don't want to make this a worrying stress factor in their lives. There is just no need for it and nothing that can be gained from it.

Not trying to criticize you, just food for thought, hoping to give you some perspective: The problem with most people-pleasers is that exactly by trying to make others happy, they wreck their lives. If someone enters e.g. into a marriage without having the same level of sexual interest in one's partner as the other, that creates a lingering resentment, slowly poisoning the relationship. If there are children, they will pick up on their parents unhappyness, giving them a distorted example of love and sexuality. If there are secrets, there will never be true trust and the level of mutual reliance on each other that is necessary to build a future. And so on and so forth.

Even if it is unpleasant for the moment, others deserve to be not taken for a fool (because most aren't stupid and in the end everyone will pick up on something and problems surface one way or another), so they, too, can find a greater level of happyness and fulfilment.

So does that mean full disclosure? No.

Again, thank you for your feedback. But I really think I am going to follow my ID doctor's advice when I asked him who I should tell. His response was "keep it to yourself. Only tell people on a need to know basis" (as in, those at risk of contracting it from me, like sex partners).

Some things are just as they are. If you think your parents won't understand, you don't have to tell them anything. BUT YOU SHOULD NEVER EVER imprison yourself in a situation where you have to pretend all the time. It will fuck you up and in the long run it will affect those you love as well.

So I believe bbzh is right on two counts:

You need a break from this situation and a new beginning. If you can't move, it will be difficult to maintain a relationship with this woman even if it's nonsexual. Too much baggage.

No harm intended but you need to talk to a therapist in my opinion. Too many balls in the air. Come to terms with being poz, take care of yourself FIRST. And please stop worrying about how your girlfriend will feel, what your parents will think etc. Nothing makes me sadder than to see adults living their lives in fear and in shame.

If you can't be open to your parents, it's ok not to tell, but you should find a level of distance (emotional and geographical, in the sense that you e.g. shouldn't spend ever second day with someone who doesn't appreciate you for who you really are) that makes it bearable.

You cannot keep up a relationship with a girlfriend that at is core is built on lies. You BOTH deserve better. Either way, it's better to end something under false pretenses than to live decades pretending.

And, yes, you should seek professional help.

[GermanFucker]

P.S.:

Sometimes when it comes to love and family we get so emotionally involved that we aren't able to see the simple truth. That's where a therapist can help you and make you realize what should be self-evident:

You are ok the way you are. Sometimes things just don't work out the expected way. It's not your fault and there's nothing wrong with you if you can't fulfill the expectations of others. Parents loving their to bits but at the same time expecting conformity can be just as smothering as openly trying to run your life. But it is YOUR LIFE.

You say your parent's are the way theay are. Realize that you have the same right to be who YOU are. It's not your job to please others.

YOU have the right to choose whom to confide in and whom to show the "real" you. Just as long as you don't go around parading false versions of yourself. For the sake of others, sure, but most of all: FOR YOUR OWN SAKE.

[rtpbbcub]

Poptronic, you really need to look for someone that you can trust to work with face-to-face and one-on-one that is familiar with your situation, somneone who is capable of providing either support while the walls crash down, or insight into how to keep those walls up, after working out what you want to do. Ultimately, you have up to this point lived a double life, with walls between a hetero you and a homo you. Being diagnosed with HIV effects the total you, and has poked a hole big enough to drive a bus through in the wall that separated the hetero and homo parts of your life. In short, the arrangement of your life is more complex than the single issue question you asked. While commentors can provide insights and debate on this one issue, and that may or may not be helpful, you have many more issues to deal with.

Whether you end this relationship or not (one facet of your life), you still have other areas of your life, and a lot of years left to live, that will need your attention, thought, and reflection. And in the face of what seems to be overwhelming news, your HIV positive diagnosis, having the perspective of another tangible person, as well as their support, is crucial to helping you regroup, then reorganize your life.

[Guest private69]

My two pennies on your story which might cum up here again in a similar case,

if you got ballz n karakter you tell her wo pizzing her off - if she got karakter n ballz haha! she can handle and does not walk away

If you don't and neither she - let me put it this way, and goin behind rather is your method of managing people, friends and fukkerz, this more or less in any caze loose relation - what relation actually - might not continue for too long anymore. How did your story - if - end?

In a nutshell, luv many, truzt a few, n always paddle your onw canoe

Almost tgif, if that's not a Guinness Day, cheers

 

 

[Guest private69]

Possibly worth adding, it almost slipped, though might matter and corresponding with ballz n stuff, we well I call it responsibility, don't you?

Got power, got responsibility - could hardly be easier - to my understanding and standard at least

Holy Houston, now a Guinness pls.  Most certainly, half?  Half?, are you serrious?