A Ticking Time Bomb

[rawTOP]

I got an e-mail this morning I thought I'd share with you guys (the guy who sent it said it was OK to share)...

hey stud - been reading your blog all week. mid-30s neg guy here, been

giving loads for about 5 years now and can't imagine ever wearing a

rubber again.

took a few loads myself last year, and was one of those confused

scared neg boys who knew i was gonna be in trouble -- fantasy life of

being a cumhole was winning out over intelligent disease-fearing safe

life. Oddly enough, shortly after taking 3 loads in one night (and a

28 day HIV post-exposure regimen) I fell in love and became

monogamous. it's been about a year.

but there is still that cumslut alive and well inside me. i am a

ticking time bomb.

When I read stuff like this it's just so typical... Guys start and they sorta get addicted to barebacking and just can't say no - they crave giving and taking loads. In this case the guy felt really conflicted and went and took PEP after taking a bunch of loads. His progression was interrupted by a monogamous relationship but usually the next step is to just give into it and take all loads and let the poz/neg thing work itself out, and then ultimately you turn into a poz cumhole who proudly takes as many loads as possible.

So the question is what's going to happen with this guy? The relationship does give an interesting twist. Monogamy doesn't tend to last forever. So what happens when the relationship becomes open? How long will he be able to resist being a cumhole? Presumably he's a vers top and his boyfriend is neg. So if he acts on his desire to be a cumhole he's putting his boyfriend at risk. And if the relationship ends he's going to have all this pent up desire to be a cumhole... If he didn't have that pent up desire he wouldn't be e-mailing me about it...

So did you go through a similar process? Any thoughts on what's going on with him?

[Belfast-Bottom]

I was on the same path three years ago, when I started taking loads again aged 39, after twenty years of condom use. My slide back into barebacking is described in my Skinhead Fucker blog on this site. It was a question of lust/sexual urges winning out over common sense. I asked the skinhead who fucked me if he was neg. He said he was, but subsequent information has led me to doubt that. I always felt uncomfortable asking guys their status and I reasoned that if many poz guys aren't honest, what's the point in asking? It just creates an awkward atmosphere. To paraphrase rawTOP, I just gave in and took all loads.

My desire to be a cumhole took me to gay saunas - where I could maximize the number of cocks I take in a night. The most loads I have managed in a night is eight ( so far ).

The guy who e-mailed rawTOP believes he is neg and he doesn't want to jeapordize his health. He is frightened of becoming poz, yet his deepest sexual urges are to be a non-discriminating slut. That causes emotional conflict and anxiety. I still suffer that conflict and anxiety, but my sex drive has won out over common sense. My sub nature drives me to give my holes to any man who asks for them. I'm still neg but I've moved to a position of "NO cock or load or refused". Perhaps I'm lucky and have that CCR5 gene?

I believe that a Top's status is his own private business. I never ask status.

Most people I know ( hetero, bi or gay ) find that sexual interest declines in a monogamous relationship. Most people are tempted to play around on the side. My guess is that the e-mailer will become a non-discriminating cumdump eventually - it's what he wants.

[Grunt]

Sub-cumhole, we are about the same age so I can so relate. I came of age in the late 1980's when EVERYONE was dropping dead of AIDS. I fucked raw all the time in high school because nobody believed that if you were young you would get it. But after I got out in the world and began hooking up with older adult guys I started using condoms out of fear. Looking back it really took a lot of the joy out of sex in my younger years. In fact there was a time where I actually tried dating a couple women and taking myself out of the danger of it. It was downright oppressive. But back then it was life or death. You had to choose.

It has just been in the last few years I have eased up given the advances and changes in the whole deal. While I am not chasing, I aint running scared anymore. I think I read on someone's blog the term "Fucking Without Fear". That is about it for me. Of course I top more than bottom and am not as active as I could be. But I have enjoyed sex so much more in the past couple of years. And last March I was still NEG.

[bigdick4you]

I know from experience that monogamy does not last... I tried to be monogamous but I couldn't...I was sleeping around but had the comfort of being able to also enjoy go back to my bf who had no idea what I was doing...looking back I'm not proud of it... I know now that I can be a total slut with many fbs but also enjoy that I can be in a loving caring relationship...the trick is to find someone who is ok with that... At the moment I have had many romances with several guys. I enjoy being a total slut but also enjoy being a loving caring partner as I can be both... I tend to be less of a slut when I'm in love with someone...I just ask my bf of the moment not to tell me about what he is doing on the side as I then get jealous... Which is a horrible feeling...I just have one rule... Not to fuck with others in our bed! So far it has worked for me...always follow ur heart even if this means u want to be a cumdump... Just don't hurt others in the process as I find that's unfair...

[Male22192]

I share a somewhat similar experience.

Originally had a condom fetish. However, the first guy I was with wanted to go bareback and I allowed it cause the guy was drop dead gorgeous. I was 21 then. After that I went bareback a few more times, cause it was what I craved. The guys actually came in my mouth like I ask, instead of inside me.

I thought I was going to catch an STD or HIV if I continued down the path I was going. So instead of a relationship, I just stopped having sex altogether and practiced abstinence. for 8 years. ---- When I am having sex, I got to have it all the time. It's all I think about it. So it's just easier for me to not have any sex what so ever, then to try and play safe.

Anyway, after reading Rawtop & this forum, I started hooking up again in 2011. Even though I wanted it bareback, everyone wanted to wear condoms. So I actually started seeking out poz loads. However, when it came to following through, the poz guys chickened out or flaked on me.

I did go back to the abstinence thing again in 2012. Want to focus on my other endeavors and for me sex gets in the way. For some odd reason now, I am no longer interested in barebacking. Used to be I couldn't stand condoms, but now I am ok with them. Occasionally, I do like to see what is going on here and see what is happening.

Personally speaking, if I have sex, then that is all I want and I become consumed by it. I become a sex maniac if you will. lol. However, since it gets in the way of me being productive, I choose not to have sex at all ....for now at least.

[rawversjock]

thxs for sharing experience.. i am sort of in this situation

[decg31]

My experience has been similar. Started bb'ing but was serosorting and conflicted, then got into a relationship with a neg guy who fucked me bb, and though we weren't monogamous his rule was no bb'ing outside the relationship (which I almost stuck to), then single but trying not to bb, then started bb'ing again but conflicted and seeking only undetectable guys, and now in a relationship with an undetectable guy and really enjoying the honesty about and understanding of my desires. Taking all loads will be the next step. And I'm starting to feel good about it.