Romantic Relationship

[cam1972]

Thanks

 

I wasn't meaning to come off as defensive. I just meant there is no way to know if a relationship will last until it does. Although I admit sometimes you do know when one is not going to last much longer

 

I knew you weren't being defensive. I meant that you are an example of why I said that. And I agree. Sometimes the handwriting is on the wall. In bold print. All caps.

 

I do feel like I have fallen into a pattern of settling for random hookups and crazy sex parties in an effort to meet my needs. Obviously, it doesn't meet all of them. I do sometimes wish I had someone special in my life. I've had three relationships in my life and all three ended badly, tragically even, and sometimes I think I am just too afraid of getting that deeply involved with someone again. I used my kids as my excuse for not letting a man in my life for a long time but now that they are grown, I'm rethinking it again. My fear of growing old alone is starting to outweigh my fear of falling in love. I do miss romance. I like being wooed.

It's tough to move past those "bad endings" isn't it? I'm finding the longer I remain single and turn down opportunities, the larger my fear becomes. But I do know this much: I don't want to be in my 70's and on some hook up site looking for sex. Or just some companionship. If it comes to that...... Just shoot me.

[NLbear]

After my one and only relationship I did fell for another guy. And he turned me down. After that I didn't let anyone in my life anymore out of fear of being hurt again.

 

Like Tiger I do have a fear of growing old alone as well. But there needs to be more than that to enter a relationship again. I am not sure I am capable of loving someone that much I want to share my life with him, buy a house together etc.

Besides that my situation has changed so much in the past few years. I lost my very well paying job, had to sell my apartment and move back to the place where I was born. And rapidly going through my savings. Can't get a job here either (companies don't hire even >45 anymore unless you have very specific skills). Hardly know anyone here. There is some family but I don't have good friends here. There are no gay bars or places to meet anyone. The guys online who are near are mostly much younger than me. What do I have to offer? IF (and IF) I would meet someone again I would have to move in with him and that is something I promised myself I would never do again. I don't want to end up again with nothing should the relationship go wrong.

 

I probably made up my mind I am better off staying single. Even with the fear and risk of growing old alone. There are the random hookups (although not as much I would like). When guys who are very much younger than me contact me online I ususally think they are looking for a Sugar Daddy. Well, daddy is not that sugar anymore.

On the other hand, like cam1972 said, the idea of ending up in my 70s still looking at porn online is also not a very appealing idea.

So, I don't know. I would settle for some good friends close by for now and take it from there.

[fskn]

...I still have romantic dreams though (literally), and realize that it's something I want even though I don't hold out much hope for it...

My theory is that romantic dreams and stories produce some of the same brain stimulae as being in love.

They also drive and shape our desire for love. I've attended Frameline, the San Francisco LGBT Film Festival, for 21 years, and the film selection criteria boil down to: at least one shirtless white male teenager, at least one sex scene with an exoticized Latin or Black top (the bottom always winces in pain), and a happy ending in which at least one couple meets, moves in together, or gets married. Even a documentary several years ago about a gay soccer team degenerated into vignettes about players who had fallen in love, gotten married, adopted puppies (no pregnancies just yet among the team), and invited their mothers-in-law for the holidays! Who knew that one little gay soccer team could foster so many relationships, international, interracial, and intergenerational, but all monogamous and perfect? Audiences lap it up year after year. Conforming films are always sold out.

So what about you guys? Do you just look for sex or do you look for relationship? And maybe even the ultimate relationship with romance?

My boyfriend and I met on BBRTS. We are open: we enjoy sex with each other and we tell each other what we do outside. Happily (ecstatically!) divorced from my ex-husband of 9 years, I reject relationship conventions. The boyfriend and I sleep over most nights, but we keep separate places and take some nights to ourselves. Flowers, candles and dinner on the table would not prove that we care about each other. Choosing to spend part of our time together, truly enjoying that time, and kissing with mouthfuls of each other's cum after we've blown each other, are proof.

For me, all sex creates a valid human relationship. How can it be anything else, when a guy is trusting me to penetrate his body, and is giving me so much pleasure? We do not have to say "I love you" or get married to confirm. We simply feel. We do not necessarily need to know each other, exchange names, or say anything at all. He might be open to kissing (definitely my preference), but he might display intimacy in other ways, from a smile to a hand on my head as I suck him, to an awkward (proof that it's not rehearsed) hug as one of us leaves. We might never see each other again, or we might decide to meet regularly. Look at every sexual encounter as a limitless possibility!

Even in gay circles, monogamous relationships command respect and reverence while open relationships are considered pretend ones. (As soon as someone feels he has to say "I'm not judging", he is.) Casual sex as a lifestyle is lowest on the totem pole. There are models for standard, monogamous relationships all around us, but The Ethical Slut is one of the few sources of advice for people who prefer open relationships or casual sex.

To the poster in whose experience all open relationships fail, is it possible that the departing partner might still have met the man he's running off with, if his relationship had been closed instead of open? Not even the penalty of stoning and death in Muslim countries is strong enough to stop sex outside marriage.

[cam1972]

(As soon as someone feels he has to say "I'm not judging", he is.)

To the poster in whose experience all open relationships fail, is it possible that the departing partner might still have met the man he's running off with, if his relationship had been closed instead of open? Not even the penalty of stoning and death in Muslim countries is strong enough to stop sex outside marriage.

Your first statement can't be proven. You can't pretend to know intent or motive behind me saying I wasn't being judgmental. So I will give you the intent. I did not want my statements misconstrued as judgmental. I'm sure you've noticed some like to read into things on sites like this. I've agreed with a lot of your posts, but your statement is broad, at best. And entirely wrong when it came to my statement. In fact, that very statement of yours was judgmental. Why should I judge? I really truly don't give a damn what others do as long as it's legal and consensual. It's their lives. Not mine.

As far as someone finding someone else in a closed relationship, I'm not naive enough to believe it doesn't happen in closed relationships. Hell. It's happened to me. I was purely stating facts given to me by an individual who has spent 33 years counseling same sex couples and has found this to be the case. Does it always happen across the world? No. I said that I'm sure there are successful open relationships. I did not say ALL fail. I was speaking to her experience. Why I stated her statistics and my friend's situation was to explain why I would not do it. Nothing more. Nothing less.