'performance Anxiety', Advice To Help Me Move Past It?

[Chubtop]

Hey,

 

I started barebacking (as a top) about 10 years ago when I was nice & fit (kinda got started on it from bareback porn but that's another story all together lol.)  I did tons of anonymous "walk-in scenes" where I would walk in to some dudes house/apt and find him on all 4's wit his ass facing me and I would do my thing and leave (whether that was eating him out first and then sliding in or just sliding in.)  As the years have gone on I had put on a lot of weight, going from 180 something (at 6') to over 420...I have since slimmed back down to 325 and still have another 100 lbs to lose.  I was able to top with no issues (fat issues/fat getting in the way etc) until I was well in the mid 350's (again I am 325 now) and towards my peak weight of 420 (I was probably in the high 300's at this point) I ran into a guy online that I use to fuck all the time when I was thin, I did walk-in's at his apt almost nightly back between 2006 and 2008 and so we reconnected, he didn't care about my weight.

 

So the first couple of times that we hooked up after reconnecting online I would just go to his place and he would suck me off, I was having bareback conflicting feelings and wasn't interested in fucking and then the last time we hooked up he really wanted me to breed his ass, I tried to fuck him but because of my weight I just couldn't do it, the extra weight got in the way and I couldn't even get my cock inside his ass (this is really hard for me to talk about so please don't laugh or make fun because I'm coming here for advice on how to overcome this.)  Anyways once I realized that it wasn't going to happen it immediately made me feel insecure and self conscious about myself (because I knew what the problem was) and it made me lose my hard on immediately and I just felt awful about myself and I felt like I had lost my manhood.  He ended up sucking me off and then I left, of course I never heard back from him again after this (this was back in 2011.)

 

So again now, I am 325 (have lost about 100 lbs and still going), I am well under what I was when I was fucking with no issues at all but I can't seem to mentally get past the negative experience that I had with this guy (where I wasn't able to perform because of my weight) and I can't seem to get past it.  Even though I know that I am physically capable of getting the job done I can't do it because as soon as I get myself in a situation where I might be getting ready to top someone (physically during the hookup) I start thinking about "that night" and I lose my hard on...I just can't seem to move past it mentally-I don't know how to and I desperately want to top again, I miss going to dudes houses, walking in all anonymously and shit and breeding them, it was so fucking hot and I haven't done it now in several years because of my fears of not being able to perform.

 

I have spoken to a therapist about this (but she's not a sex therapist and I can't afford to pay for one out of pocket/my insurance doesn't cover it either) so I was hoping some guys here could give me some advice on how to move past this and get on with things?  Do I just go for it and try and if it doesn't work then try again?  Although that scares me too because I'm afraid if I try (and I have tried a couple of times when the opportunity presented itself during a hookup and failed) that if I fail it will only cause me more trauma to have to try to most past, so I don't know what to do.

 

Hoping you guys can give me some good advice here with this.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

"Chubtop" 

 

P.S.  BTW I am neg and on PrEP (not that that matters.)

[not_sure_bb]

viagra IMO is the only way to overcome that fear. Use it a few times to get back in the groove and then try without it

[novicebottomdude]

Agreed on Viagra.  Or cialis.  Avoid poppers because Viagra can already make blood rush to your head - dangerous when combined with poppers.  (And poppers can make a hard on go down.)  One blue pill and your confidence will be back.

[Chubtop]

I don't have a problem getting a hard on, it's only when it relates to topping.  Are you saying if I use it before a hookup that I will be hard regardless of what my mind does?  Obviously I've never used it before so I assumed it was only for people who couldn't get hard/maintain a hard on period.

[houbtmbtch]

Sounds like your issue is not getting the erection, it is keeping it going. ED meds will keep you hard long enough to be succesful. Worked for me several years ago,but have since found I prefer to bottom all the time, so no longer an issue.

[Chubtop]

(keeping it going only while topping), I guess I'll make an appointment with my Urologist then and discuss it with him.  He'a already aware of the problem, I'm surprised he never brought this up to me before.

[tallslenderguy]

Hey Chubtop, thanks for your post. Here's my perspective.

 

I'm a tall slender guy, visually I like slender, so I work at staying that way. Having said that, as a total bottom slut, I don't care what my top looks like or how much he weighs. I generally get fucked the way you describe a lot of your experience (i.e., anonymous walk in breed and go), so I don't see the guy fucking me anyway. Removing the visual an enhance the other senses for me, but thats all another topic.

 

Before I moved, I had a regular FB who I'm guessing (by feel) weighed about what you did/do. I always enjoyed hooking with him and he'd breed my hole about once a week, sometimes twice. He was really large and had a particularly short cock, but the cock girth was good. That to say that he had the added challenge of a small cock on top of having a big body. I was always a little surprised that he could fuck, given both challenges. But he had it down really well. He liked to straddle my slender legs and ass vs have me spread them and he would always be in a sitting position. He usually managed to get it in that way, cream me, then leave. A couple of times he had performance anxiety and was unable to get it up, I'd tell him no worries, it happens. And that's how I honestly felt. I really enjoyed getting bred by him and wanted him to know it. And I guess that's what I'm trying to convey, there are bottoms out there who want you no matter what and I think if you realize that, you'll want it too and the issue will cease to exist. Sure, there are bottoms who will have an issue with it, but thats just some...  there are plenty who want your cock and load and your worries are unfounded.

[Chubtop]

Tallslender...Thanks for the reply.  The issue isn't that I'm worried about what other guys think about me (if they weren't into me we wouldn't even be hooking up) it's the situation that happened that night where I couldn't perform because of my weight, it has nothing to do with me worrying about if someone is attracted to me or not:)

 

I talked with my primary care doc today and she suggested I try one of the sex drugs but said it would not help with any libido issues (as I've gotten older I'm finding myself not in the mood/interested a lot more) so I might experiment and see how the drug works, as one other user here said it might just do the trick.  She told me if I decided to try it to let her know and she would prescribe it for me, I don't need to go back to the urologist unless I want too.