Straight(?) and very confused

[MixmasterMike]

Just wanted to share my story somewhere, to get this pent-up confusion off my chest.

Quick background: I'm just finishing up a solid degree, I'm a decent looker, got a fair bit of charm, and 8 inches to spare. A fairly eligible bachelor in principle - but I'm totally wired as a submissive to unattainable types, and because of that I've never really been drawn to vanilla encounters with girls.

I've been watching femdom porn for years... I've jacked off to a couple gay things here and there, but I never really got much of a buzz from it. Anyway, I was starting to feel a bit overdependent on porn recently, and so I decided to try out nofap whilst job hunting.

That was 4 days ago... and I have probably spent less than an hour job hunting during this time.

First day: I couldn't help but check a few dominatrix twitter feeds, and ended up spending most of the day casually watching femdom stuff in the background, without jacking off.

Second day I latched onto some verbal gay-bashing femdom and from there I found myself browsing some barebacking stuff. Was getting late when I found this walk-in craigslist breeding vid and, fuck, I just couldn't help but release a load to it. The pure submission this slut was pounded into - physically and psychologically - was just too much for my inner masochist! I was struggling to recall any femdom vids as intense as what I'd just witnessed (and I've found some crackers over the years).

Third day I woke up super-horny and literally spent the whole day browsing various bb forums and erotica while watching bb porn (stiff as a rock but not allowing myself to touch my dick). I even found myself creating some captions for dominatrix photo shoots using forced-bb / poz-conversion themes - played out those scenarios in my dreams!

Today has been more of the same... with the addition of various household dildos, and eventually I let myself release to 4 of the best bb videos I'd uncovered - 4 of the most intense orgasms I've ever had!

So now here I am, covered in a layer of cum, running a much-needed anti-virus scan... and I'm so fucking confused by the whole ordeal! I feel something has awoken in me - but what worries me is that it's the anon / poz-conversion concepts that have captured my imagination. Every time I saw a condom in a video it was a total mood-killer! And it's important to note that I don't really feel any more partial to vanilla gay stuff than before.

The thing is, I have no real long-term ambition in life and the idea of going sexually nuts for a few years and dealing with the consequences of a poz-conversion just doesn't really phase me much - so my mind is having a really hard time establishing the boundary between fantasy and reality on this.

There's also been a common femdom theme throughout these fantasies - so something like being a financial cuckold to a abusive woman who has me locked in chastity 24/7, whoring me out as a barebacking slut whenever she feels like it... but my feeling is that engineering a scenario like that isn't much of a possibility in real life. Removing the female influence kind of buzzkills my enthusiasm... but not completely.

So as you can tell, the past 100 hours have been thoroughly enthralling experience for me - I have absolutely no feelings of regret/shame at what I've discovered, but I am genuinely fearful of what I may have awoken inside my mind, and what lies ahead  Any thoughts?

Edited June 10, 2017 by MixmasterMike

[einathens]

daddy says, no more porn until you find a job. and no jacking off for a week.

[garsento]

If you want to have bareback sex with men, get on PrEP.

[tallslenderguy]

I hope your post is real and I'm not wasting my time here, but the faggot nurse in me has to care lol.

If you are young and good looking with 8" to spare, your desires may not be as out of reach as you think?  Are you a member of FetLife? A ton of people on that site of all stripes. 

The thing about porn is it can set you up with some unrealistic expectations. Prolly a good idea to back off for awhile and go for real life experiences to give you a reality check.  And I ditto getting on PreP. That may be a hot fantasy, but you are trying to decide a lot of different things all at once, I'd knock conversion fantasies off the list, at least for till you are more stable, because that's a permanent decision, you can't take it back if you change your mind about wanting it. Our core person usually wins in an argument with sound reason, so I'd give some allowance and pursue some of the less scaring decisions, that will give you an idea whether reality lines up with your ideas of what you feel you want.