Dealing with frustration

[ejaculaTe]

“Because if people are given too many variables, it becomes too difficult to make a decision.

“Guys who stare at porn and apps constantly, flicking from image to image and profile to profile are deluged with options, and can't possibly reflect on what they really find attractive, let alone what they really want in a partner.”

It’s called the “paradox of choice.” https://www.businessinsider.com/how-the-paradox-of-choice-could-explain-why-youre-still-single-2018-2 There’s a bit of academic controversy over the theory (no surprise there), but the concept describes what we encounter all too frequently.

[barecubtop]

23 hours ago, ejaculaTe said:

It’s called the “paradox of choice.” https://www.businessinsider.com/how-the-paradox-of-choice-could-explain-why-youre-still-single-2018-2 There’s a bit of academic controversy over the theory (no surprise there), but the concept describes what we encounter all too frequently.

I haven't seen it referred to in the sense of hookup apps and such like the article talks about, but several years ago I read the book, "Paradox of Choice" (I think I still own it, unless I lent it to someone).  It's a good read.

[Dcdupontguy1981]

I saw this thread a few weeks ago but haven’t had a chance to respond. I can relate completely. I continue to be shocked and disappointed by the amount of guys that ghost, flake, cancel, or are in some way fake. If I say I am going to meet, I follow through on that and expect you to as well. Thankfully, I usually host so it doesn’t turn out to be that big of a sacrifice but where is the respect for me and my time? If you’re not going to meet, you should at least have the decency to tell me. I’m not sure what guys get out of acting like this. It feels like it’s getting worse. People seem very focused on just what serves themselves without thinking or caring about how their actions affect others.

 

i would love to hear any other thoughts on this though I appreciate the responses of those who have already done so. What do you do when a guy acts this way towards you? How do you prevent it, or try to? Do you give guys another chance? 

[AirmaxUK]

On 10/24/2018 at 2:58 PM, barecubtop said:

I live about 40 miles away from a bigger city (Indianapolis) here in the US. I guess my question to you with your app usage is what you do at home?  Do you just have enough regulars in your town to keep you satisfied sexually? Do you go into London on a regular enough basis that you just have your fun there?  I ask as there are really no other options to meet men in my town other than the apps.  We do not have any gay bars or clubs.  And despite the fact that I'm a graduate student at a major university, we don't have any kind of graduate student gay organizations or anything (it's a very conservative campus in general, unlike most universities).

Sorry for not responding sooner, barecubtop. To answer your question:

Where I live is very conservative too. There's a gay-friendly night once a month in a local bar (which begs the question are the unfriendly the rest of the time?) Guys here tend to be older couples moved here for retirement, or younger guys stuck at home with parents or living in shared accommodation as property and rents are so expensive here. Neighbours will say "Oh yes I listen to Graham Norton on Radio 2 sometimes" thinking this makes them gay-friendly, its all very friendly-folksy-churchy-community, but it has a dark and sinister side: I've come home to find "SCUM" painted on my door before now.   

The gay population is small enough at home that frankly its not worth bothering with for apps like grindr. Its aways the same guys, and in the 15 years i've lived here it doesn't change much. I know very few are into actually meeting for fun. I'm probably known locally for being into the fetish and BB scenes and that puts the fluffies off.  Besides my partner, I have three close friends that live locally. That's more of a friends and very occasional play kind of deal. Regular FB locally would make my partner uncomfortable, so thats not something I have pursued. I do keep an eye on more specialist apps like NKP and BBRT to see if anyone might be travelling into the area but thats quite rare. 

I'm in London once a week on average - 50% of the time with my partner - SOP, Vault, Feet on Friday, HardOn, Hampstead Heath, Locker Room sauna, etc. It's £15 return and a 30 minute train journey away. You can waste a lot more than 30 minutes online finding someone, and these clubs offer guys who are genuinely up for it and physically present.   A good day/night out can be one of these parties and a couple of app-based hook ups. I do miss CumUnion in London...

 

[Guest nelly26]

On 11/16/2018 at 10:15 AM, AirmaxAndy said:

Sorry for not responding sooner, barecubtop. To answer your question:

Where I live is very conservative too. There's a gay-friendly night once a month in a local bar (which begs the question are the unfriendly the rest of the time?) Guys here tend to be older couples moved here for retirement, or younger guys stuck at home with parents or living in shared accommodation as property and rents are so expensive here. Neighbours will say "Oh yes I listen to Graham Norton on Radio 2 sometimes" thinking this makes them gay-friendly, its all very friendly-folksy-churchy-community, but it has a dark and sinister side: I've come home to find "SCUM" painted on my door before now.   

The gay population is small enough at home that frankly its not worth bothering with for apps like grindr. Its aways the same guys, and in the 15 years i've lived here it doesn't change much. I know very few are into actually meeting for fun. I'm probably known locally for being into the fetish and BB scenes and that puts the fluffies off.  Besides my partner, I have three close friends that live locally. That's more of a friends and very occasional play kind of deal. Regular FB locally would make my partner uncomfortable, so thats not something I have pursued. I do keep an eye on more specialist apps like NKP and BBRT to see if anyone might be travelling into the area but thats quite rare. 

I'm in London once a week on average - 50% of the time with my partner - SOP, Vault, Feet on Friday, HardOn, Hampstead Heath, Locker Room sauna, etc. It's £15 return and a 30 minute train journey away. You can waste a lot more than 30 minutes online finding someone, and these clubs offer guys who are genuinely up for it and physically present.   A good day/night out can be one of these parties and a couple of app-based hook ups. I do miss CumUnion in London...

 

Apologies for my ignorance but I truly didn’t realize that some parts of the UK can be homophobic. When I first read this I thought you legit lived in the Midwest USA until you mentioned London. 

[Guest Upstateguy518]

I find most guys just can't be upfront and honest with what they want. So if I'm looking to bottom and a bottom messages me to top, I feel like pulling my hair out. You gotta click on my profile to message me so take the 20 seconds to read it.

And I'm signed up on a few hook up sites and I can say a minimum of 90% are fakes or flakes. They either ignore you or just want to get pics off you. Very few guys genuinely want to hook up.

[Guest nelly26]

On 11/30/2018 at 11:49 AM, Upstateguy518 said:

I find most guys just can't be upfront and honest with what they want. So if I'm looking to bottom and a bottom messages me to top, I feel like pulling my hair out. You gotta click on my profile to message me so take the 20 seconds to read it.

And I'm signed up on a few hook up sites and I can say a minimum of 90% are fakes or flakes. They either ignore you or just want to get pics off you. Very few guys genuinely want to hook up.

You're right. I'll have my Grindr on for hours when I'm really horny and a only a few dudes (if that) hit me up.  I wonder if everyone else also has their Grindrs on for a while with silence too?  I also sometimes think maybe only a select group of bottoms and tops are fucking each other and keeping each other in rotation as fwb's, where as everyone else is just being ignored and ignoring each other - maybe I'm making this point up idk.  

[Guest Upstateguy518]

On 12/2/2018 at 11:19 PM, nelly26 said:

You're right. I'll have my Grindr on for hours when I'm really horny and a only a few dudes (if that) hit me up.  I wonder if everyone else also has their Grindrs on for a while with silence too?  I also sometimes think maybe only a select group of bottoms and tops are fucking each other and keeping each other in rotation as fwb's, where as everyone else is just being ignored and ignoring each other - maybe I'm making this point up idk.  

Same for me. I could message a dozen people and maybe 3 or 4 would actually reply. It's hard to get anyone to hit you up in a timely manner too.

And I've had a few guys hmu with messages like that. To join their clique and just kind of rotate between partners.

[Guest nelly26]

13 hours ago, Upstateguy518 said:

Same for me. I could message a dozen people and maybe 3 or 4 would actually reply. It's hard to get anyone to hit you up in a timely manner too.

And I've had a few guys hmu with messages like that. To join their clique and just kind of rotate between partners.

The rotation is what kills me. Partially because I’m not in anyone’s rotation (lol) or even offered to be in one. Secondly, because I don’t think I’d be interested in even being in a rotation. I’m a jealous bottom. 

[barecubtop]

On 12/2/2018 at 11:19 PM, nelly26 said:

You're right. I'll have my Grindr on for hours when I'm really horny and a only a few dudes (if that) hit me up.  I wonder if everyone else also has their Grindrs on for a while with silence too? 

This just seems to be karma at its worst...when you most want to hookup (i.e. when you're horny as hell and just need someone to bust a nut with), you can't find anyone.  And when you're not horny or unavailable, you get all the guys that want to fuck right now.  Same with setting up tag teams...when I have a bottom that wants more than one top, finding another top is like finding a needle in a haystack...but when I have another top or two that wants to tag/gang a bottom, there are no bottoms in sight. 

There have been some days where I will leave Grindr open while I'm reading or working or something...and I may get a message here and there, but often it's just the radio silence.  Other days I'll only have to be on for 5-10 minutes and find someone to hookup with right away. 

To follow-up on my original posting and some of your replies... I just had a guy who I exchanged pictures with and he seemed interested.  Then he got insistent on knowing how thick my cock was, so that he wouldn't be "disappointed", and he said something like "that's why I took a picture of my cock next to the beer bottle in the pic I sent you."  I saw through it right away and said "Good luck to you.  Nobody's been disappointed...but I've found that guys like you tend to be disappointing on my end".  He replied with something about doing his "due dilligence" and I just replied that "my pics and my statement that I'm thick has been enough for plenty of other bottoms who have enjoyed my cock in their mouth and ass and I'm not going to go out of my way to take more pics or 'prove' anything to you if that's not enough."  His loss, but I feel better about the way I handled it instead of chasing something that ultimately would be a disappointment.

[Guest Upstateguy518]

22 hours ago, nelly26 said:

The rotation is what kills me. Partially because I’m not in anyone’s rotation (lol) or even offered to be in one. Secondly, because I don’t think I’d be interested in even being in a rotation. I’m a jealous bottom. 

It's not my cup of tea either. I appreciate having exclusivity among a group but most of the time it's a top or two jumping from bottom to bottom. If it were a more even split, I wouldn't mind a test run.

[ejaculaTe]

22 hours ago, barecubtop said:

This just seems to be karma at its worst...when you most want to hookup (i.e. when you're horny as hell and just need someone to bust a nut with), you can't find anyone.  And when you're not horny or unavailable, you get all the guys that want to fuck right now. 

A friend once called it "the perverse operation of the universe." I think it's a universal constant, like the speed of light or Murphy's Law.