Movies, Dreams and relationship

[tallslenderguy]

i stumbled onto a gay movie last night on Netflix called The Pass.  It followed another Dutch movie i'd just watched (not gay), but was apparently a Netflix 'suggestion' because i'd watched another gay Israeli movie called The Cakemaker.  Both the gay movies had a decided romantic side, though they didn't have Disney story lines or endings. For me, gay movies that have a halfway believable story line are a lot hotter than just porn because they (try to?) go beyond just sex and consider other parts of a person.

After the movie it was pretty late, so i just went to sleep... and dreamt.  i had the kind of dreams i don't want to wake from, probably a subconscious expression of my own desires/needs. my 'gay' dreams are pretty romantic and always powerful. i always wake up with a longing to return and keep experiencing them. i remember my first dream about a guy like it was yesterday. i was 14, grew up in a culture that ingrained in me that 'gay' was sin and sick. i had fantasies about guys when i masturbated, but felt guilty, it was something i fought and thought of as bad.  The dream was short and very simple. It was a dream of a guy i only knew in passing at school.  He was a sweet, friendly boy next door type. In the dream, He came up to me and looked me in the eyes and gave me a long, deep kiss. That was it. A kiss. Fuck, the memory of that dream makes me ache to this day. That's pretty typical of my dreams, they often have edges of sex, but more than that, they all contain deeper connections between me and another guy. 

For me, i know being gay is not just a sex thing. Sex for me is just a part of my expression of wanting to be connected, attached to another guy. Sex just seems to be the easiest part of the desire/need to acquire. i'm kind of romantic. i can be a slut, but i realize that part of my slutiness (maybe all of it?) is an expression of desire/need to be a receptical for a mans need/desire.  "Receptical" doesn't really completely describe it because it is too detached? Like a trashcan. i don't think of taking a mans cum, need/desire as 'trash,' very much the opposite, so i never feel 'trashy' for taking a man into me.  i feel fulfilled (filled full?) for a time. i wonder if sluttiness is just trying to keep that feeling of fullness going of trying not to lose it?  i don't see cock or cum as the only or even ultimate goal, but as part of connecting to that guy.