Any guys here still in denial?

[faggotsub]

I use to struggle with it. i got married the first time at 19 yo.  Took her cherry...sex was ok for a while but i always wondered why i didn't like looking at pussy in the mags, only thing i fixated on was men's cocks..First three years read a lot of porn and started to read stories about men who enjoyed seeing their wives fucked by OTHER MEN...that caught my interest..then i read about what went on in rest areas so I went to one and within a few minutes a guy sat down on my bench next to me and nudged my knee and asked "Do you know what that means?" I replied yes and got up and left but i was back the next day and for a few days i watched what was going on and eventually ventured out into the woods to see there there were these guys pairing up some sucking cock and some getting fucked up the ass...after that I'd go behind a tree when I could see a man kind of following me. I'd drop my pants facing him ass out and sure enough I would feel a hand on my ass and sometimes they would push me down on my knees and put their cocks in my mouth and sometimes they would just mount me BB and put their seed in me. Hurt but my mind kept telling me to go back. I became a fixture there. I didn't care about fucking my wife anymore..I still don't think I accepted being gay...I was married to the first wife 19 years and one day we were sitting on the deck of a lake house we had built just a few years before. and she asked me what i was thinking and i replied I think we should get a divorce and she said I was thinking the same thing so we did. The emotional fall out was hard to take but I stuck with it. 

     i started having a lot of sex from hook up ads in underground magazines in Boston, Drummer and of course the rest areas. I travelled the country a few times a year and went to the bath houses and Adult Book Stores...Then I met this woman at a convention who heard I was single and she chased the hell out of me..I resisted. I eventually told her I had had sex with lots of men and she seemed ok with that ..I fell in love with her..she was beautiful, she had her own little local TV show she had a good job and made a lot of money. So we got together but she said I needed to be tested for AIDS, it was 1994 so my sister is a Doctor and I had her test me. I was POZ  saw a real doctor who told me I was going to die and that she would make sure I was never in pain till the end. Honestly it hit me like a ton of bricks. But Liz my second wife still wanted to get together and get married so thinking i wouldnt make the year 2000 we did.   Sex was awful but told myself i could to this. She entered me in trials for new drugs and read everything she could about saving me. Who couldnt love someone like that? 

Then the cocktail came around and i responded well to the drugs. My cd4's were always 1200 or better. Liz might have had the opinion it was going to be a short marriage but it wasn't. And i wanted cock. It wasn't long before I was in the rest areas again. No one I knew thought i was gay and with the exception it's still pretty much the same. Things deteriorated I didn't like sex with her with a condom or her squirting up some HIV killing foam in her cunt every time we had sex. And the only way she could cum was from being taken care of orally and I hate the sight and smell of pussy . I'd much prefer having my tongue up some guys ass.  She moved back to England and  missed her terribly and flew over there on a July 4th weekend begging her to come back. THANK GOD SHE DIDN'T

  So now i sell my second lake house that i built with her and buy an old farm in my hometown with 60 acres of privacy and open a bed and breakfast. thinking I got privacy and guys can fuck me in my front yard if they want and im renting out the old caretakers quarters to guys having orgies every two weeks or so. This woman from my past that I worked with when i was 15 and she was 13 in he cousin's restaurant come looking for me. Shes fucking gorgeous  tiny little thing..and I fall in love with her. She's a nurse and I tell her i got some things to tell her..she accepts it all...and says she thought i was HIV+ from my wasting. We date for a  couple years  sex is pretty good..i tell myself I can do this but my interest dwindles but we get married anyway. SHES THE LOVE OF MY LIFE. but i still need cock ...the night before we get married I suck off 3 guys in the rest area. All goes well for the first 3-4 years but sex with us dwindles and she thinks something is wrong and puts a tracking device on my truck and follows me to a rest area one night and catches me with a guys huge cock in my mouth. We separated that night after a long talk and a lot of tears. We are still married 10 years after that incident and very close but haven't lived together since. She's there when I need her and i try to be there for her for whatever she needs.  I tried to get her to have sex with other men when we were together and almost got her to do it. I'm a pig so I would have loved to have eaten other mens cum out of her..She just isn't wired that way and i've cum to accept who and what I am. Which is a sub to be used by any man. I have lots of regrets but I have come to terms that i'm submissive and that the only thing that makes me happy is pleasing men. If i didn't own property I'd be some MASTER or DOM'S slave..that is if HE was the type that wants to see HIS sub used by other MEN especially POZ MEN  i love the idea of a real MAN;S seed growing in me for real. i know I'm queer but also that i'm a slut. One MAN'S cock is never going to be enough. And where I am from POZ men are hard to find at least one's that aren't undetectable. I guess I was in denial most of my life..Things were different back in the 70's and gay people are still frowned upon by my generation to a large degree. Society doesn't embrace abusive relationships and don't understand that some of us WANT to be in one. The thing that puzzles me is that now that being gay IS accepted more by society is that now the gay population has all these rules about what is proper to be gay..they have all these rules..and for some of them if your not gay they way they think you should be then it's not ok. The world is so fucked up these days. I should have moved to a more populated area when I was young and lived the life i was meant to..Almost over for me..