New Thoughts, or More of the Same?

[spermloverhtx]

Greetings. I have been lurking around these boards for approximately two years. I’ve read every thread dealing with the “should I/shouldn’t I” question of whether to start being a bareback bottom cumdump. So, while I don’t wish to simply add more of the same kind of content, and while I am old and mature enough to know that there is nobody except myself who can make the decision for me, I just wanted to share what has recently started in my own brain while I wrestle with this question.

I identify as a faggot. I didn’t always. I have been involved in the BDSM/kink scene for 5 years, in which I have had a wonderful experience serving a Dom, which has now become a long distance situation (due to work). I am a complete submissive, and the more I experimented, the more I came to realize that I am not just a bottom but a worshipper and admirer of Men. I am servant to all Men.  I have toyed with the idea of becoming a eunuch; however, due to other medical issues, this would not be wise. I am dedicated to chastity; I wear a cage so that all Men will always know what I am. My sex organs are my asshole (which I delight in when Men call it a cunt or a pussy) and my mouth. I have even gone so far as to receive a PA piercing to secure a chastity device. I also had my nipples pierced. I can make myself cum while locked in my cage just by playing with my pierced nipples and hitting my spot with a big dildo (and lots of poppers).

Over the years, I have hosted many Men in my apartment. I have swallowed Their loads. I revel in Their semen. I love having Man after Man come use throat. I will even swallow Their post-cum piss. However, I have a block when it comes to getting fucked. I can use toys no problem. I love the way it feels when my hole is open. I can have an hands free orgasm (see above). And yet, I have only been fucked by 3 Men. 2 of them wore condoms. The other, I was in a multi-year relationship with. Due to prostate cancer, he had his glands removed during surgery and thus has orgasms but does not produce any fluids. I was a bareback bottom for Him (if that even counts) for years and let Him plow my hole for however long He wanted. But there was no cum. And we still both got tested regularly.

Deep down, I know what I want and what I believe I was made for. I want to be that no-holds barred, bareback cumdump. I want to be irresistible to Men and to serve Them in the ultimate way, which is to give Them whatever hole They want when They want it. I just can’t get over that initial fear and go for it.

I am on PrEP. I do not have side effects from it. I have access to a kind, understanding physician who will run screening tests and provide medications should I get an STI.

Again, I am the only one who can do it. I am the one who has to decide whether to just get in the sling or on the fuck bench in a bath house. I have been to placed like Slammer in Ft. Lauderdale, and while I end up sucking off some Men, I struggled to allow the Men to use my hole the way I want.

There’s a certain cumdump of Twitter fame who posted a short video of himself taking loads in a Porta-A-Potty during a Pride festival. When I saw it for the first time, without missing a beat, I said out loud, almost possessed, “I want to be that cumdump.”

The thoughts of becoming that have slowly taken over my mind. Its all I think about. Even when I am work, I present myself professionally and properly, while in the back of my mind, I am thinking about how I can get the cock of the Man I am talking to into one of my holes, letting Him fuck me in the bathroom or drink His piss. Maybe They sense what I am. Maybe not.

I have even started to have very real, intense lucid dreams. During these events, I am spread eagled on the bed, and all of the Men I have interacted with during the day are lined up, Cocks hard and out, waiting to take turns breeding my hole. They say things like, “Give Daddy that pussy. Give me that sloppy hole.” It feels so real, and then I wake up.

As I mentioned, I am a worshipper of Men and Their Cocks. I admire Their strength. I watch gangbang porn, both gay and straight, so I can watch Their taut glutes, strong back muscles, and the machinery of Their hips as They pump and dump into a willing hole. It is holy, indeed. And I want to be the recipient of that.

As of today, I have not taken the plunge, so to speak. One of my regular feeders is coming over tomorrow; we have discussed Him fucking me. It may or may not happen.

I am not looking for permission from anyone reading this. The risks are real, and they are mine to assume, should I decide to let Men breed me. But I just wanted to share my thought process, and, in a very real sense, my struggle. It really causing me a little bit of distress, as it can be frustrating to be overtaken by an emotion. I don’t want to have regrets, and yet, I struggle to identify what is really holding me back. I hope to discuss and perhaps get some feedback. Thank you for reading this lengthy musing.

[gwmxyz]

Apparently, what we really regret when we look back on our lives is what we don't do. 

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