2 bttms in a marriage...help!

[Guest Bukkakeguy30]

Would really like some good feedback from anyone who may have experienced this situation.  Please be kind and excuse any grammatical errors. This post is kind of long....

Alittle about my background.

 Im 32 and my first serious relationship was when I was 19 and lasted for 7 years. At that time i assumed my sexual role would be a top, Im a big guy 6ft about 265lbs stocky build and most of the time I would attract smaller bottom or vers guys. As for most part i found a slim smooth bottom guy to be attractive to me (somewhat). 

So back to my relationship... Emotionally and physically it ended about 2 years after we started dating, but at the time, neither were financially stable to move out on our own and it became more of an companion relationship.  We tried an open relationship which lasted awhile and during that time I found that the guys I would try to hook up with guys that usually ended up being very masc, bigger, and more top type of guys. I never really bottomed, I had only bottomed once with my current boyfriend and I liked it,but it hurt so I said that aint for me, and usually just stuck to giving oral to the guys I would hook up with. Well a few years later we both realized there just wasnt anything there and still remained the best of friends.  

So about 1 month after completely ending that relationship I started taking to a guy not looking for a relationship and just wanted friendship...well you all know how that usually turns out. I thought we would meet and have a good time and that would be it. Well the more we hung out the more we started to fall for each other. He was a vers bottom, small framed 5'7, 145 lbs literally half my size, but really cute who loved big guys.   At that time  I just assumed that I was a top so it worked.  It didnt take but 3 months before we moved in together and a year and a half before I proposed.  And married 2 years later. Now been together almost 7 years.

The first few years were great we had sex about once a week when our work schedules would allow. We had a great relationship never fought and and could not get enough of the time we would spent together.  Very homebody type of guys , rarley drink, don't party very small group of friends never even been to a club together, (we were kind of the jealous type, so didnt want to see the thirsty guys that would hit on us). When were off the same time from work we wanted to spend it with each other not other people because of how rare it was for our schedules to line up even though we lived together.  

So I digress, im the type of person that is very outgoing, life of the party a free spirt as you would call it, don't like routine but will deal with it(Im a Gemini) and he is the type that is very reserved, alot of emotions had a few rough relationships and has a big guard up.  So like most guys especially gay guys,  I have a high sex drive so I masturbate alot! Well to do that, I need inspiration, I never felt the need to cheat but occassionally I would download an app or get on a website chat with some guys, swap pics and j/o and that would be the end of it, no intention of it ever going any farther. He would totally dissapprove because of how jealous he would get if he found out I was talking to someone else.  I know, I know i should have just stuck to porn but with me being a bigger guy and not alot of experience in the dating world I found it nice and sometimes erotic that I could turn a head or two, I guess needing that validation.

  Well about 4 1/2 years into our relationship i thought it would be fun to order some sex toys for us to use, he had to warm up to the idea.  But eventually went along with it, I ordered a few dildos to use on him but really was curious about using them myself.  In my alone time I would played with them and found it really enjoyable...thats how it all started. I guess you can say my inner bottom boy came out! No pun intended... I found my desire to bottom more and more intense. I even let him top me a few times which I loved becauese it felt great and he has a nice tool but here comes the tricky part, Im not attracted to him being a top to me.  I guess leave it to stereotypes that I like a top to be big, strong, masc, and daddy type which my husband is not really.  So by this time im watching more porn usually a bunch of hung daddies tag teaming a bottom, imagining that Im the bottom and still chatting with guys and jacking off, my sensation to bottom is growing rapidly and found myself to have quite a large cum fetish.

Now that i am starting to have these urges I want to experience them, so me and him shower together and I prefer to suck him off and so he can shoot in my mouth and fill my desire! Sounds great right, well now it seems I have no interest in topping and him topping me, its something that doesn't turn me on.  I know porn is fake but i cant help but want that top type of guy I mentioned before big strong hung daddy type.  Our sex has deminshed to almost ever couple of months, I feel awful because i know he wants it, but it doesnt excite me anymore.  Being an an open relationship is something that would never work with us and is totally our of the question, we would both go crazy if we saw someone look at each other let alone be intimate with someone else. I love him, I really really do but a part of me feels, I have desires that were never filled while I was single and honestly I really want to experience them. The last thing i want to do is hurt him! And i feel if i continue to feel this way its only a matter of time before I cheat and try to fill those needs.  

What to do??????

[tallslenderguy]

Tough stuff to deal with.  i wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but since you are looking for feedback, i'll share my thoughts and feelings for what they may be worth to you and the discussion.

i have come to believe that love is not enough of a foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. i see love as part practical, i.e., a conscious decision to consider another person, know and understand them and affirm their value. That sounds way more clinical than i find it is in practice. i think the need for love (as defined) is universal. The other part of 'love' is sort of mysterious to me, attraction that we cannot always put our finger on and i'm not sure it actually qualifies as "love" or is more an expression of wanting than giving?  Still, so many (romantic) relationships seem to evolve because of this thing we call "love." 

To me, love is largely a choice... at least the practical side i mention above.  Another component of romantic relationship, that i think gets little cognitive awareness, is compatability.  With guys, i think sexual compatibility is a big fucking deal (pun intended).  i know this is an over simplification, but physics demonstrates that opposites attract and form bonds (i.e., negatively ions attract to positive ions).  i think consideration of human nature has extended that (reality?) to relationship. E.g., the idea of yin/yang is ancient.  

i believe that a successful relationship requires self awareness.  But self awareness is not just a product of introspection.  If our self knowledge depended on our view of our selves, we'd all be deluded crazies lol, give stuff like subjectivity, cultural influence, etc.. That is to say, another way we obtain self knowledge is in relationship with others, that we also can see ourselves in that reflection of relationship.  One of the funny things that occurs in a dedicated relationship is, once you live together your mate will eventually point out things about you that you were unaware of, and vice versa. And, of course, that is not always an accurate reflection, no ones 'mirror' (so to speak) is flawless.  

i think the fact that we learn and change (and hopefully grow) in relationship, points to the fact that we, and consequently our relationships, are fluid... not static. They change.

You note that: " I have desires that were never filled while I was single and honestly I really want to experience them."  It seems like this is something you have become aware of over the course of time, so it's not like you entered a relationship knowing that you want/need to bottom.  From what i have seen, when relationship encounters incompatibility like this it goes (generally) one of two ways:  the parameters of the relationship changes along with the participants, or the relationship (as it is) ends. Which to me, is really the same thing.

 As a side note, i think it's possible to "really, really love" someone in an open relationship. i believe love is an affirmation of who that person is, not who they should be. i think jealousy is a product of failed expectation, and that it's the opposite of love.  You guys have 7 sweet years invested in each other, i'd suggest relationship counseling as a means of clarifying and, hopefully, preserving your love for each other whether the relationship stays the same or not.

[Guest Bukkakeguy30]

3 minutes ago, tallslenderguy said:

Tough stuff to deal with.  i wouldn't presume to tell you what to do, but since you are looking for feedback, i'll share my thoughts and feelings for what they may be worth to you and the discussion.

i have come to believe that love is not enough of a foundation on which to build a lasting relationship. i see love as part practical, i.e., a conscious decision to consider another person, know and understand them and affirm their value. That sounds way more clinical than i find it is in practice. i think the need for love (as defined) is universal. The other part of 'love' is sort of mysterious to me, attraction that we cannot always put our finger on and i'm not sure it actually qualifies as "love" or is more an expression of wanting than giving?  Still, so many (romantic) relationships seem to evolve because of this thing we call "love." 

To me, love is largely a choice... at least the practical side i mention above.  Another component of romantic relationship, that i think gets little cognitive awareness, is compatability.  With guys, i think sexual compatibility is a big fucking deal (pun intended).  i know this is an over simplification, but physics demonstrates that opposites attract and form bonds (i.e., negatively ions attract to positive ions).  i think consideration of human nature has extended that (reality?) to relationship. E.g., the idea of yin/yang is ancient.  

i believe that a successful relationship requires self awareness.  But self awareness is not just a product of introspection.  If our self knowledge depended on our view of our selves, we'd all be deluded crazies lol, give stuff like subjectivity, cultural influence, etc.. That is to say, another way we obtain self knowledge is in relationship with others, that we also can see ourselves in that reflection of relationship.  One of the funny things that occurs in a dedicated relationship is, once you live together your mate will eventually point out things about you that you were unaware of, and vice versa. And, of course, that is not always an accurate reflection, no ones 'mirror' (so to speak) is flawless.  

i think the fact that we learn and change (and hopefully grow) in relationship, points to the fact that we, and consequently our relationships, are fluid... not static. They change.

You note that: " I have desires that were never filled while I was single and honestly I really want to experience them."  It seems like this is something you have become aware of over the course of time, so it's not like you entered a relationship knowing that you want/need to bottom.  From what i have seen, when relationship encounters incompatibility like this it goes (generally) one of two ways:  the parameters of the relationship changes along with the participants, or the relationship (as it is) ends. Which to me, is really the same thing.

 As a side note, i think it's possible to "really, really love" someone in an open relationship. i believe love is an affirmation of who that person is, not who they should be. i think jealousy is a product of failed expectation, and that it's the opposite of love.  You guys have 7 sweet years invested in each other, i'd suggest relationship counseling as a means of clarifying and, hopefully, preserving your love for each other whether the relationship stays the same or not.

Thanks man, it has been something ive been dealing with and been supressing for while to a point where its do it or don't!  Very conflicting!