Do You Ever Slut Shame Yourself?

[VersatileBreeder]

Almost 40 years old and been having sex with men for over 20 of those years here. One consistent variable about my encounters with men is that I never shame myself for what I do with guys… and I’m just as much a pig as the next pig. So I have over 20 years of embracing my sexuality and desires with no self judgment…

……… Until tonight……

Tonight I was horny but take it or leave it if I hook up. Browsed around Sniffies, found a 26 year old bottom (with just a picture of his ass) who wanted to suck me and then get fucked from behind a glory hole in his hotel room. I have (if you can believe this) never fucked or been fucked through a glory hole.

So I went. A little nervous but I was cool once he started sucking my cock. After a few minutes he backs his ass up onto my dick and I fucked him good for a few minutes and then blew my load deep in him.

When I left there and was driving home, my inner self-critic was going at me hard: “you dirty fucking piece of trash. You just fucked a guy and didn’t even see his face or body. He could have been gross, a guy you would never pick to fuck, but you fucked him anyway. You didn’t even care. You’re fucking disgusting.”

It’s so weird to me because this is a brand new emotion. I’ve never been disgusted by anything I’ve ever done in the past, but what’s even more fucked up is… as gross as I think it was, I think it was so fucking hot at the same time…. And I would totally do it again. Inner critic can judge all the fuck he wants. 
 

Any of you gents ever do this? Ever criticize, demean and/or slut shame yourself? If so, what sort of nefarious activities do you get into that your ego starts digging into itself?

 

[ErosWired]

The self-criticism you describe is a common phenomenon that affects many men, in large part because of the disconnect between a person’s sexuality and the sometimes unreasonable or unrealistic expectations and moral conditions the person has gained from upbringing in his society, family or religion.

In your case, it seems unusual that this should emerge suddenly and unexpectedly, after a long time involved in related behavior that did not cause the feelings. Usually we would expect the reverse to be true, that repeated exposure to an activity would desensitize one to the triggers that provoke negative self-criticism.

So it might be helpful for you to do a little internal digging. Ask yourself why this particular episode made you feel differently. In what ways was it uniquely different from even the most similar experience? Something had to make the difference. Listen to the specific message the negative thoughts are conveying - what assumptions, biases and judgments to they reveal? Do they all stand up to scrutiny?

For instance, by what you describe, some part of you carries a notion that it is ‘trashy’ or ‘dirty’ to fuck a person whose face or body you did not see. That is a value judgment, but is it objectively true? What, specifically, makes it ‘dirty’ or ‘trashy’ to do? It isn’t that the person you don’t see is always unclean - his hygiene may be perfectly acceptable. It isn’t that the person you don’t see is necessarily poor of character - he might be a very honest and upstanding person in other aspects of his life, and is simply addressing his sexual needs just as you are.

Which is a salient point: In the same way that you are. Imagine that the guy you fucked through that glory hole, after you left, said to himself:

”you dirty fucking piece of trash. You just let a guy fuck you and didn’t even see his face or body. He could have been gross, a guy you would never pick to fuck, but you let him fuck you anyway. You didn’t even care. You’re fucking disgusting.”

Does your perspective change now that the shoe is on the other foot? Because you were both doing the same thing, you’re either both equally potentially gross and disgusting, or neither of you are.

Then let’s take a step further back and ask what’s wrong with anonymous, random sexual intercourse. From a practical standpoint, there is risk to health, but you would face the same risk to health from bareback sex whether you were looking at him or not. Such encounters are devoid of the emotional reciprocity that enriches, and some would say is the true reward of human sexual contact - but if you weren’t looking for that kind of connection with another person at that time, then it wasn’t the point.

It is possible, however, that a gloryhole encounter, being perhaps the most complete way to isolate the sex act to nothing but the point of penetration, may have amplified that lack of connection to the point that it caused you distress. Up till this point, the act of fucking another man had not bothered you. Now that something about it suddenly didn’t feel right, it may have opened an avenue for questioning and self-doubt that you have not had to cope with before, and are finding that the only immediate answers available for your self-questioning are things you’ve had to root up from deep in your upbringing.

All of the above is speculative analysis based on the very little information you’ve supplied, and may be utterly off the mark for you. But it is an example of a way to cognitively approach the self-questioning that is causing your distress.

You’re fine. You fucked a guy through a gloryhole. Legions of men would have loved to be you in that moment. Legions of men did exactly the same thing that night. They weren’t all dirty pieces of trash, just men doing one of the things men do. Congratulations, you’re human.

[PozBearWI]

Nicely said @ErosWired

It wasn't a bathhouse encounter; it was a hotel room; so there was only the one other "customer" there.  I think what would potentially bother me is less that I fucked the guy; but that there is a path to me per our pre meeting conversation that might leave me open to legal exposure (did I play with one guy who later accuses me of passing on an STI?).