Giving into yet unsafer sex (stop Prep?)

[homosapiens]

Hallo everyone, 

I found out this forum recently and it has been an eye openener in many ways. So I thank many of its contributors over the years for sharing their experiences so openly.

Because I was not aware of these discussions during my life voyage, it took me long time to accept what I wanted. I've always felt that I did not have the right information and that I was arriving late to things. Therefore I created this account just to share my travel through gay sex discovery and unprotected sex in case someone can relate, provide an answer or simply add to their understanding on the topic.

1. Accepting homosexuality
I come from a small town where there was no gay scene and people were pretty closed-minded. I was raised christian, so even though I had those feelings early on, it took me a long time to act on them; I was really against it at first. I dated girls until eventually it happened: I built up the courage, traveled 1,000 km, and met the first guy I’d been chatting with online. I realized immediately that this was what I’d been missing.

The naive, inexperienced me fell in love right away. He was much older, and I dated him in secret for many years. I learned whatever little gay life we had through him and his conservative views; same with sex, just what he liked to do. But at the time, it was more than enough for me

I know now that it’s common for many men to start dating from a young age and build up “dating/sex experience,” if you will. Because I skipped that phase, when we finally broke up after years, I felt like a provincial teenager all over again. What do I do now? How do I meet men? Do I go back to women?

2. Discovering the gay scene
Eventually, I moved to a big city abroad for work. Feeling anonymous for the first time allowed me to break free and explore everything: the scene, the bars, the clubs, the apps, the cruising spots, the websites, and more. It was a constant discovery and an absolute overload of stimuli for months.

3. Flirting with Bareback
While getting into the dating scene, I quickly found out about something that seems obvious now: a lot of men weren't using condoms in random encounters. At first, I was disgusted and really judgmental... but I ended up getting tempted surprisingly quickly.

The situation soon became clear. With many of the hot guys I was attracted to, if I was the top, it was barely an issue. I'd just wrap up and go. But as a bottom, asking to use a condom was often met with resistance, or it would just kill the mood completely.

On the rare times I gave in (maybe because he was too hot), that friction was gone. And not only did it feel much nicer, it was way hornier. It was like an electric shock from the thrill, something I did not feel before.

4. The Guilt Loop
The enjoyment of the unsafe sex evaporated completely the moment I left the bar, though. The guilt would rush in like a storm, making me depressed for the next few days. Having been raised christian, I had plenty of experience beating myself up for "falling short." Not being able to discuss these feelings (which I thought as totally [banned word]) with my close friends didn't help, of course. The fear of HIV was always present  (and justified, I'd think).

This guilt loop would repeat every few months. I'd feel bad and stop going out > eventually move on and start feeling better > go out again keeping it safe > then eventually end up having bareback sex again > and back to feeling guilty and ashamed.
(I've read on this blog about many men who always had it figured out and went for it without any hesitation. I definitely envy your natual determination.)

When the urge was too big, I'd either hook up with someone I knew well, or I'd get drunk/high to let it happen more easily.

5. PreP, the Loop Breaker
When I first heard about PreP, I was firmly against it. My thought was, "Sure, it protects from HIV, but taking it means you'll have more bareback sex, catching other diseases and feeling even worse." It's a view that many still hold today, and I think it's a fair one.

Eventually, though, it became rather popular and many profiles mentioned it. So when the medical place where I got tested for STDs brought it up as a possibility, I agreed.

Well, as a surprise to no one, soon after I started using it, my condom use dropped heavily. I imagine some of you may have gone through a similar vicious (or virtuous?) cycle: The more bareback sex I had, the more I enjoyed it and accepted it, and the less I wanted to use condoms. The tables had turned, and I was the one putting up resistance to them now. It was very liberating!

6. Only Bareback
As time went by, I became mainly interested in profiles that mentioned raw sex or the more subtle "Safety: Let's discuss it." I stopped seeing the regular dates who decided to continue playing safe. I started going to sex festivals, private home sex parties, and I discovered sex with chems...

Raw sex wasn't just unprotected sex; it was the key that unlocked many new doors that were once closed by fear. It became the cornerstone for exploring many more fetishes and kinky setups. Barebackers are certainly piggier and kinkier, so the sleazy proposals started popping up. I accepted the new paradigm and went for them.

7. The Return of the Thrill
For 5 years, I embraced my new reality. It allowed me to discover sex in many more ways than I thought possible (not all of them necessarily good). I enjoyed a fully bareback sex life, but in a very discreet way. My app profile is always faceless, for example and without mention to bb. And I never really discussed these feelings in a deep way with anybody. It was great enough just like that. No drama needed.

That is, until last year's Christmas. Every year I go back to my home country for 3-4 weeks. When I arrived, I realized that I hadn't brought my PreP pills with me. [PANIC!] I had been taking them daily for years and my protection shield was gone.

My mental process over the days evolved making up excuses like this:
I. "Ok, no problem. Just stay away from sex these weeks. A little break. Easy."
II. "I could also have sex and keep it safe. No going back to condoms, but just avoiding penetration. I'll hit the sauna."
III. "If I only top, it shouldn't be any significant risk."
IV. "I really want to bottom as well. I'll just keep it as an exception for today."
V. "Okay, these holidays are the exception. I'll stop worrying and go back to PreP as soon as I am back home."

I did end up letting go completely. And there I felt it again, clear and loud: The electricity. That spark that I used to feel when I started barebacking years before in the bars. This electricity was gone without me realizing it, and now it was back on full force again.

8. The Return of the Guilt and the Common Interests
I came back after Christmas, got tested, and went back on the pills. It was like nothing had happened. Closed that chapter and back to normality.

A couple of months later, one of my regular dates, before one of our encounters, asked me if I was still taking PreP.

"What does he mean by still?" The question surprised me. "Well, yes I am. You take these pills forever, right? At least until they find a vaccine for HIV."

He agreed, but he told me that he was doubting whether to keep using them, that he wanted to enjoy sex without having to worry abou it, and that somehow, without them, it always felt much more "real."

Wow, okay. The boldness he was talking with really hit home. So I decided to share with him, for the first time, my deeper desires towards barebacking and what it had meant to me. I ended up telling about my episode without pills during those Christmas weeks.

My story triggered something in him as well, making him share now a lot more on the topic with an honesty I hadn't heard before. Coincidentally we were at a similar point in our sexual paths and it was cathartic to be able to share all of it without judgement or embarrassment. We agreed that we would not use PreP again when dating each other. We don't need it.

9. The Seed Idea That Keeps Growing
That agreement, which seemed a bit anecdotal at the moment, became a recurrent topic after our initial discussion. We began mentioning often how nice it would be to stop using the pills completely and why we felt that way. We went from the idea of not using PreP when together, to stopping for a few weeks for every encounter, as a nice reward for enjoying another date.

The idea of reducing my use of the pills keeps popping up in my head. And our influence on each other serves as a spur to keep taking steps. I started thinking I could stop PreP when fucking as a top, as the risk is lower and acceptable. He encouraged me to go ahead and give in to what I truly lust for.

10. Where to go from here?
This is where I am now. I know it is not logical and that it is irresponsible health wise. But I truly enjoy having sex without any protection. That feeling of not caring and just  submiting to an inner animal lust is really addictive.
Probably there is some brain expert that can explain how desires like this take such a strong hold, while they seem like an autosabotage to the average external viewer.
I'm afraid of HIV and in itself is not kink that I chase. I often find myself justifying with "nowadays most people are on pills so chances are really slim". I read on this page from people who were actually trying to get infected and failing during years.  But I don't even know if it is really true. Is it truly just a certainty and a just matter of time once you don't use protection?

I'm still taking Prep when bottoming with anon dates, but if my history with bareback is of any indication, that could easily be a lost war and that wall will eventually collapse as well. 

I read a couple of post form people that were in a similar spot, but I would appreciate it anybody has any advice or personal learning to share in this regard. If Im being just an idiot, then I want to hear too. I can take it. 

Anyway, thanks for reading it until here.

Edited October 3 by homosapiens

[gamerslut]

This mirrors my experience so much.

When I started, I could never imagine bareback, much less with poz or anon guys. Gay was super [banned word] for me, too, back then.

Wow, what a difference 25 years of sex makes.

I’m on the same path here. Selectively not taking prep, seeking out poz hookups. I’ve made peace with it: I think I’ll be overjoyed once I’m finally pozzed. I think it’s a matter of time.

Not sure which stage this is, but recently I’ve been telling anyone who asks that I’m poz even though I’m still neg. Seeing how their reaction changes. Sex has been more intense than ever.

[Tanbbottom]

8 hours ago, homosapiens said:

Hallo everyone, 

I found out this forum recently and it has been an eye openener in many ways. So I thank many of its contributors over the years for sharing their experiences so openly.

Because I was not aware of these discussions during my life voyage, it took me long time to accept what I wanted. I've always felt that I did not have the right information and that I was arriving late to things. Therefore I created this account just to share my travel through gay sex discovery and unprotected sex in case someone can relate, provide an answer or simply add to their understanding on the topic.

1. Accepting homosexuality
I come from a small town where there was no gay scene and people were pretty closed-minded. I was raised christian, so even though I had those feelings early on, it took me a long time to act on them; I was really against it at first. I dated girls until eventually it happened: I built up the courage, traveled 1,000 km, and met the first guy I’d been chatting with online. I realized immediately that this was what I’d been missing.

The naive, inexperienced me fell in love right away. He was much older, and I dated him in secret for many years. I learned whatever little gay life we had through him and his conservative views; same with sex, just what he liked to do. But at the time, it was more than enough for me

I know now that it’s common for many men to start dating from a young age and build up “dating/sex experience,” if you will. Because I skipped that phase, when we finally broke up after years, I felt like a provincial teenager all over again. What do I do now? How do I meet men? Do I go back to women?

2. Discovering the gay scene
Eventually, I moved to a big city abroad for work. Feeling anonymous for the first time allowed me to break free and explore everything: the scene, the bars, the clubs, the apps, the cruising spots, the websites, and more. It was a constant discovery and an absolute overload of stimuli for months.

3. Flirting with Bareback
While getting into the dating scene, I quickly found out about something that seems obvious now: a lot of men weren't using condoms in random encounters. At first, I was disgusted and really judgmental... but I ended up getting tempted surprisingly quickly.

The situation soon became clear. With many of the hot guys I was attracted to, if I was the top, it was barely an issue. I'd just wrap up and go. But as a bottom, asking to use a condom was often met with resistance, or it would just kill the mood completely.

On the rare times I gave in (maybe because he was too hot), that friction was gone. And not only did it feel much nicer, it was way hornier. It was like an electric shock from the thrill, something I did not feel before.

4. The Guilt Loop
The enjoyment of the unsafe sex evaporated completely the moment I left the bar, though. The guilt would rush in like a storm, making me depressed for the next few days. Having been raised christian, I had plenty of experience beating myself up for "falling short." Not being able to discuss these feelings (which I thought as totally [banned word]) with my close friends didn't help, of course. The fear of HIV was always present  (and justified, I'd think).

This guilt loop would repeat every few months. I'd feel bad and stop going out > eventually move on and start feeling better > go out again keeping it safe > then eventually end up having bareback sex again > and back to feeling guilty and ashamed.
(I've read on this blog about many men who always had it figured out and went for it without any hesitation. I definitely envy your natual determination.)

When the urge was too big, I'd either hook up with someone I knew well, or I'd get drunk/high to let it happen more easily.

5. PreP, the Loop Breaker
When I first heard about PreP, I was firmly against it. My thought was, "Sure, it protects from HIV, but taking it means you'll have more bareback sex, catching other diseases and feeling even worse." It's a view that many still hold today, and I think it's a fair one.

Eventually, though, it became rather popular and many profiles mentioned it. So when the medical place where I got tested for STDs brought it up as a possibility, I agreed.

Well, as a surprise to no one, soon after I started using it, my condom use dropped heavily. I imagine some of you may have gone through a similar vicious (or virtuous?) cycle: The more bareback sex I had, the more I enjoyed it and accepted it, and the less I wanted to use condoms. The tables had turned, and I was the one putting up resistance to them now. It was very liberating!

6. Only Bareback
As time went by, I became mainly interested in profiles that mentioned raw sex or the more subtle "Safety: Let's discuss it." I stopped seeing the regular dates who decided to continue playing safe. I started going to sex festivals, private home sex parties, and I discovered sex with chems...

Raw sex wasn't just unprotected sex; it was the key that unlocked many new doors that were once closed by fear. It became the cornerstone for exploring many more fetishes and kinky setups. Barebackers are certainly piggier and kinkier, so the sleazy proposals started popping up. I accepted the new paradigm and went for them.

7. The Return of the Thrill
For 5 years, I embraced my new reality. It allowed me to discover sex in many more ways than I thought possible (not all of them necessarily good). I enjoyed a fully bareback sex life, but in a very discreet way. My app profile is always faceless, for example and without mention to bb. And I never really discussed these feelings in a deep way with anybody. It was great enough just like that. No drama needed.

That is, until last year's Christmas. Every year I go back to my home country for 3-4 weeks. When I arrived, I realized that I hadn't brought my PreP pills with me. [PANIC!] I had been taking them daily for years and my protection shield was gone.

My mental process over the days evolved making up excuses like this:
I. "Ok, no problem. Just stay away from sex these weeks. A little break. Easy."
II. "I could also have sex and keep it safe. No going back to condoms, but just avoiding penetration. I'll hit the sauna."
III. "If I only top, it shouldn't be any significant risk."
IV. "I really want to bottom as well. I'll just keep it as an exception for today."
V. "Okay, these holidays are the exception. I'll stop worrying and go back to PreP as soon as I am back home."

I did end up letting go completely. And there I felt it again, clear and loud: The electricity. That spark that I used to feel when I started barebacking years before in the bars. This electricity was gone without me realizing it, and now it was back on full force again.

8. The Return of the Guilt and the Common Interests
I came back after Christmas, got tested, and went back on the pills. It was like nothing had happened. Closed that chapter and back to normality.

A couple of months later, one of my regular dates, before one of our encounters, asked me if I was still taking PreP.

"What does he mean by still?" The question surprised me. "Well, yes I am. You take these pills forever, right? At least until they find a vaccine for HIV."

He agreed, but he told me that he was doubting whether to keep using them, that he wanted to enjoy sex without having to worry abou it, and that somehow, without them, it always felt much more "real."

Wow, okay. The boldness he was talking with really hit home. So I decided to share with him, for the first time, my deeper desires towards barebacking and what it had meant to me. I ended up telling about my episode without pills during those Christmas weeks.

My story triggered something in him as well, making him share now a lot more on the topic with an honesty I hadn't heard before. Coincidentally we were at a similar point in our sexual paths and it was cathartic to be able to share all of it without judgement or embarrassment. We agreed that we would not use PreP again when dating each other. We don't need it.

9. The Seed Idea That Keeps Growing
That agreement, which seemed a bit anecdotal at the moment, became a recurrent topic after our initial discussion. We began mentioning often how nice it would be to stop using the pills completely and why we felt that way. We went from the idea of not using PreP when together, to stopping for a few weeks for every encounter, as a nice reward for enjoying another date.

The idea of reducing my use of the pills keeps popping up in my head. And our influence on each other serves as a spur to keep taking steps. I started thinking I could stop PreP when fucking as a top, as the risk is lower and acceptable. He encouraged me to go ahead and give in to what I truly lust for.

10. Where to go from here?
This is where I am now. I know it is not logical and that it is irresponsible health wise. But I truly enjoy having sex without any protection. That feeling of not caring and just  submiting to an inner animal lust is really addictive.
Probably there is some brain expert that can explain how desires like this take such a strong hold, while they seem like an autosabotage to the average external viewer.
I'm afraid of HIV and in itself is not kink that I chase. I often find myself justifying with "nowadays most people are on pills so chances are really slim". I read on this page from people who were actually trying to get infected and failing during years.  But I don't even know if it is really true. Is it truly just a certainty and a just matter of time once you don't use protection?

I'm still taking Prep when bottoming with anon dates, but if my history with bareback is of any indication, that could easily be a lost war and that wall will eventually collapse as well. 

I read a couple of post form people that were in a similar spot, but I would appreciate it anybody has any advice or personal learning to share in this regard. If Im being just an idiot, then I want to hear too. I can take it. 

Anyway, thanks for reading it until here.

Thanks for sharing your journey and the vulnerability of your questioning.  

I can relate to many of your steps. 

I was pozzed before the development of PreP. I really wasn't chasing, but the night I said "fuck it, I’m giving into my overwhelming desire for bb" I got knocked up. I'll never forget the thrill of feeling him climax deep inside me. Knowing this stranger was newly diagnosed and therefore highly toxic just added to the thrill. 

When I left the doctor's office with my diagnosis I spent an instant feeling upset and guilty, but just an instant. I gave myself a shake and reminded myself I chose to take the risk "It's done, regret and guilt won't help. "

In my thinking and value system sex is meant to be intense! For me risk adds to that intensity! It's why I love raw sex with strangers. 

I would encourage you to trust your questions and trust your path no matter what others think one way or the other. If you need to embrace the risk, flush the pills in celebration 🍾 

[homosapiens]

On 10/3/2025 at 11:12 AM, gamerslut said:

This mirrors my experience so much.

When I started, I could never imagine bareback, much less with poz or anon guys. Gay was super [banned word] for me, too, back then.

Wow, what a difference 25 years of sex makes.

I’m on the same path here. Selectively not taking prep, seeking out poz hookups. I’ve made peace with it: I think I’ll be overjoyed once I’m finally pozzed. I think it’s a matter of time.

Not sure which stage this is, but recently I’ve been telling anyone who asks that I’m poz even though I’m still neg. Seeing how their reaction changes. Sex has been more intense than ever.

Wow, that is quite a step, man. I can totally imagine about it being way intenser.

I don't think I will ever be able to accept meeting guys that state being poz on their profiles. But I would love to feel free enough to not having to ask anymore.

I have tried using #NoPrep tag on my gay app profiles even if not true always. It feels freeing and seems to filter a lot of men who only do safe. But it also raises often questions about the why if I'm myself looking for men who use it, and I'm not so sure about sharing that much with complete strangers. Still trying to find the balance between disclosing too much or not enough.

[gamerslut]

On 11/2/2025 at 5:45 AM, homosapiens said:

I don't think I will ever be able to accept meeting guys that state being poz on their profiles. But I would love to feel free enough to not having to ask anymore.

Why is it that you can’t accept guys who list as poz? Is it because you’re not ready to admit to yourself that you’re into it?

I’m finding that this has been an interesting social experiment. Lots of guys are completely uneducated about u=u, and they will avoid people who openly list their poz status. But then they’ll go right ahead and have bareback sex with guys who don’t list any status or don’t get tested. Truly messed up.

[LeatherGayBB]

I totally agree with the previous post, the status of my partners has become somewhat irrelevant to me. I also think, most openly poz guys are way more better in letting you know, what kind of dick or cum you getting. 

I'm on Prep for now, but I don't rule out getting off it in the future. I guess as a lot of you wrote already, it is a journey and at the moment I am where I am.

[Iker80]

The freedom being neg and having bare sex lasts as long as you're neg, then what does it feel like? Better, worse, same? So this feeling you're enjoying is for unknown length of time, maybe ten years, maybe next week, but I think it's probably going to happen sooner or later you are poz. So, I think the big question is how do you feel giving up being neg for a time of bareback unprotected that could maybe be very short, and for eventually being poz.

[Calgarybugchaser]

Stopped prep 4 years ago and no one has been denied access to breed their dna deep inside. Still neg and still in pursuit! 

[PozPigCumDump]

The path we walk on this journey is always a deeply personal one. There is no right, wrong, left, right, up or down direction. The path changes with the journey itself and we all encounter different situations along the way which sometimes change the direction of the path. Someone at the age of 20 will have a different path than someone at 35, 50 or 60. 
What your are describing @homosapiens is your journey until now and you reached a point when you need to decide what's best for you. 
Bear in mind that personal circumstances determine your future path: age, general health considerations, career, family, friends, environment, etc. 
Since I tested HIV+ many decades ago I made a conscious decision not to take any meds. I was in my late 20s and I was clinically healthy. And so I saw no reason to infuse myself with medication which was, at that time, having more negative side effects than positive. And I also decided to take better care of myself: more fitness, better diet, avoid as much as possible anything that would knowingly harm me. 
It's been now close to three decades and while I do carry the virus I managed to stay healthy. Except of the VL which goes up and down with every test, everything else checks out just fine. I have had hundreds if not thousands of of sexual partners along the way. Each and every one of them was duly informed that I am HIV+, that I don't take any medication, and that I am most likely infectious. Even at bathhouses, saunas or sex clubs, I make sure I whisper in the ear of anyone who comes in contact with me that I am poz and likely infectious. I had a huge number of rejections, of course. But I was always upfront and honest. 
Even now, in the age of PrEP, I let the others know that I am poz. In a dark room, it only takes me a few moments to quickly turn around and let the guy fucking me that I am poz and not on meds (I learned that in a few languages too LOL). And so I leave it to the other guy to decide for himself. No pressure, no expectations, no lies. 
Now, back to your original thoughts... How will you manage going forward? It is up to you and your personal context. Everyone will tell you their story and their actions, but none will match your own experience, past and future. 

Science tells us that PrEP is the way to go now. If you are comfortable with it, and if you're healthy with no obvious side effects, staying on PrEP and being neg is a good thing. It carries less stigma, less paperwork, allows you to travel freely and reduces the visits to the doctors. Removes the need to explain, disclose, and justify and gets you pretty much the same quality of life the majority of men enjoy. 
If your mind demands sex without PrEP, then you need to evaluate the risks and be very practical about the consequences. But, as I said, the path you choose is different for everyone and deeply personal. 
You need to ask yourself a few questions to determine the reason for your decision but in the end YOU need to be happy and deal with the decision.  What people put on their profile and what is going on in reality... there's a significant difference. I personally made a (somewhat) informed decision decades ago and to this day I stand by my decision. Living carefree and letting the nature runs its course is a personal choice that cannot be translated to someone else's life. And feelings of 'sex is so much better without PrEP' may be temporary, while the virus stays with you for life. YOU are the one who needs to determine if the risk is worth it or not. And as I said in the beginning, we all have a different path which also changes with age and context. And as for certainty you seek to reassure yourself that many men are on PrEP and the risk is low... Nobody can give you an answer with absolute certainty. PrEP works for the overwhelming majority who take the pill religiously. And most likely works for you too, so it all depends if the urge is just mental and borne out of a fantasy, or if you are tired of PrEP and something inside you tells you to stop and live as you wish. 

We are all products of our desires in all respects: money, love, health, kinks, comfort, etc. You just need to figure out how would your life unfold if you stop prep and somehow test poz. If you are content with the outcome or not, it's up to you to decide. As an anecdote, in early 2000s I met a French guy who tested poz in the late 80s. He is now close to 70. He has never been on meds and lives a full life, clinically healthy and content. And I met many people who took their meds religiously but were overwhelmed by other illness. One or two cases are just a drop in the sea. My point is that we all want to be happy, young and full of vitality and carefree. But unprotected sex is not the only risk in life but one that you can minimise and remove the hassle of additional headaches... 
And just to be super clear for anyone who reads this comment and thinks that I somehow advocate on not being on meds if you're poz as being a good thing, this is definitely not the point. I am only saying that in the context of OP's wonderings, we should only do what's in the best interest of yourself, and caring for others' wellbeing too. PrEP or no PreP, condoms or not, it is up to you my dear @homosapiens and the partners you enjoy with.