two sides of my personality and family

[Guest cumdrainer4u]

Was wondering how many of you barebackers and or bug chasers are fathers! I seem to have two different personalities in my life that don't mesh so good. Sexually I love be fucked raw and take loads,but want to do it much more than I do,butI wonder when I get pozzed how it will effect my family and kids. Then there is my family man side which is very responsible,unlike my choices sexually. Who else is experincing the same things if any and how can I manage both extreems

[PhoenixGeoff]

When I was in the military I really did find myself in a situation where the two sides of my personality did not match at all. On the one hand, I was a professional and very focused on my job. I pushed the thought of being gay out of my head as much as possible and did my best to fit in. This wasn't a simple matter of being in the closet. It was a matter not only of preserving my career but also potentially of preserving my life (there was actually a soldier killed by his roommate in my brigade while I was on active duty because the roommate had thought he was coming on to him).

On the other hand, when I did get an opportunity to get away, I'd run wild, going on road trips to cities well away from where I was stationed and hitting gay bars, sex clubs, baths and all kinds of other places men like to fuck around.

Ultimately, the two sides couldn't coexist, and the fact that I'm posting here rather than sitting in Afghanistan right now ought to tell you which side won with me.

I see two things with your situation here:

First, I suspect you're kind of doing what I did here. Trying to repress your sexual desires in the name of responsibility which leads them to manifest in extreme ways. One possibility you might consider is finding a mean between the two and living a life of some integrity. It's OK to be a little irresponsible even if you have great responsibilities like raising kids. And it's also OK to have a sex life that you'll find satisfying too.

Second, speaking as a guy who has HIV, I think you really should look at the effect becoming infected with HIV would have objectively. One thing it would not do is prevent you from being an active part of your kids' upbringing. With the current treatments available, there's no reason to expect to have anything less than a reasonably normal life span. And as you already know, the kind of casual contact common between parents and children carries no risk whatsoever of infection.

Where would it have an effect? Obviously on any relationship with your wife or girlfriend (assuming you still have one or the other). I'd be taking precautions to protect her now, as it sounds like you're already getting into some risky behavior. And sooner or later you're going to have to have that conversation with her about your sexuality (and also about your status, if and when you do test positive). Or you will if you're to have your integrity.

Depending on the age of your kids, there may not be any reason at all to tell them what's going on. Certainly young children should not be forced to come face-to-face with adult problems like this one. Which makes it the responsibility of you and their mother to work out a way to protect them. Assuming you do eventually convert, I'd suggest that that's information your kids don't really need until they're adults, unless you become ill (which is highly unlikely assuming you're getting tested regularly).

[wammt]

I am poz, a father and grandfather; and my kids are aware of my status and interests. No problem for them.

[VersRawPig]

I find that the clashing of 2 worlds is present for me also. Ultimately though, this "slut" thing is just for fun and I would never choose it over the other parts of my life. Unlike many guys, after I cum...I actually have other things to do than plan for the next romp. I don't understand the guys here who glorify HIV...some even call themselves things like "aids cock" and stuff like that. For me that's just too much and it makes the gay community look as stereotypical as the straight world thinks of us. There really IS more to life than sex. Also, once I find a boyfriend, all this goes away. I'm only here for the "meantime".

[Guest cumdrainer4u]

Thanks Mascmountainman and others so far for your responses. I am not with my wife any more she left me about 6 years ago. I came out to her about 8 years prior to that. I was not doing raw sex while married. as for my kids they are both older 1 still lives at home with me until next year. He will start college then. This colliding of my two worlds is a constant thing on my mind and I just cant deal with it at times. As long as I dont cum I'm a slut but when I finally let myself cum its like a switch is turned on and I feel disqusted in what I do sexually and always claim I wont do it any,ore then a day later I feel ok again and horny and readyy for more cock and cum

[PhoenixGeoff]

That sounds like a response not so much to being irresponsible as to being gay. What's the issue provoking the disgust? Barebacking? Anonymous hookups? Gay sex generally?

If it's the barebacking or anonymous sex, then I think you should examine why it provokes these feelings in you. If it's a matter of fear of HIV or other STDs, then perhaps you can look at ways to mitigate that risk. Maybe you should consider looking for a long term relationship with another guy. That way you could indulge your sexual desires with considerably less risk. You can be both responsible and a barebacker.

If it's gay sex generally that's provoking these feelings, you may need to spend a little time with a counselor of some kind. You say you've been out of the closet for 14 years, but it doesn't sound like you've done anything about it beyond having sex, which is great, but hardly the totality of being gay. It's possible you feel your sexuality is responsible for the breakup of the marriage. Or maybe there's some kind of internalized homophobia going on here. Point is, it's hard to sort through a lot of these things on your own, especially if you're coming from having a very strong family life, which is what it sounds like.

Your youngest kid is getting ready to head out of the house. Your oldest is already gone. The major part of the responsibilities you owe to your direct family members are all taken care of. You don't really have to worry about your responsibilities towards them any more, at least not as much. So now I'd say your main responsibility is going to be towards yourself. And that means looking into and figuring out whatever personal issues may apply to you concerning your sexuality, but it also means giving yourself license to have a little fun too.

And a last thought. You've got a golden opportunity coming up here: after your youngest moves out and goes to college, why not think about selling the house and picking up and moving someplace new where you can devote yourself to exploring who you are a bit more. Get a clean break with the past and head somewhere where you can properly reinvent yourself.

[NiceHard1]

I am pretty new to this site, and I continue to be impressed with the amazing thought provoking questions and equally thoughtful responses by so many people. What great words of wisdom MMM that you share.

CD - I don't have children myself, but as MM shows, many of us balance our private and public lives.

Years ago, merely being gay was something that was hidden by most people from nearly everyone out of fear of discrimination in work, housing, and even life; Many grew to be comfortable being public about being gay, but when HIV came out, many went into the closet about that aspect of themselves. Now more and more people are comfortable being out about their HIV status with family and friends. The next level is regarding the extent of our extreme sexuality. Few people share the details of the kind of sex that they have with families, and that is probably a good thing. Only on rare occasions have I seen or heard heartwarming stories - such as seeing a guy dressed in leather at a San Francisco leatherbar christmas party last year with his elderly mother (who loved hanging out with all the gay guys in leather!) Or a gay guy who I know who has a gay son, and his son texts his father when he is hooking up with a trick, and then again to let his father know that he got back home safe.

Those are pretty rare and extreme, and something that comes to few of us. You don't have to share these intimate details with your family, but the one person you have to be honest and accepting with is yourself.

[sheogite]

It sounds like there are a lot of things playing around in your head, often the more we think about things, the harder it can be for us to sort them out and gain perspective, while I never had any problems with my sexuality or the road it has led me down, I have had it conflict with other aspects of my life, work, friendships, family etc. I would suggest finding a good counsellor to help you identify properly everything that is really conflicting in your life. It shouldn't be too hard to find one who has dealt with these problems before and will not judge your feelings and activities.

It can really help, I managed to pull myself back from a really bad situation with counselling a few years ago (nothing to do with my sexuality, or being a bb poz pig) although all those things were touched upon in my sessions.

[Guest FinalDL2021]

On ‎11‎/‎25‎/‎2011 at 6:51 PM, cumdrainer4u said:

Was wondering how many of you barebackers and or bug chasers are fathers! I seem to have two different personalities in my life that don't mesh so good. Sexually I love be fucked raw and take loads,but want to do it much more than I do,butI wonder when I get pozzed how it will effect my family and kids. Then there is my family man side which is very responsible,unlike my choices sexually. Who else is experincing the same things if any and how can I manage both extreems

I struggle with this dilemma too; there are two sides to my personality, the Barebacker/chaser, and the personality, or persona that my family knows, I am sure some of my family members suspect I might be gay, yet they do not know about the barebacking and chasing. 

Usually around the Holidays, it takes some time, to get back into that m4m, barebacking mind-set, I have to get into that mental zone again.