Dominant Duty
Entry posted by ErosWired in Sexual Identity
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Elsewhere in the forum I was talking about men who place themselves in long-term chastity and surrender the key to a Dominant. The Dominant denies the submissive the ability to touch his own cock and have a penile orgasm at any time unless the Dominant expressly allows it—and that time sometimes never comes, depending on the arrangement and the intent. The Dominant may intend simply to demonstrate his continued control of the submissive by allowing the orgasm only after a show of reluctance or as a show of generosity. On the other hand, the Dominant may withhold it altogether in a much deeper bid for control of the submissive's sexuality by training the sub to transfer his origin of orgasm from his penis to his anus and/or prostate. Either way, orgasm denial is a potent expression of control and a classic example of Power Exchange.
Orgasm denial isn't my thing—forced orgasm is, and though the control that exhibits is different, it still touches the same need within a submissive mind. The thing we all have in common is that we find an inexplicable fulfillment when a Man exerts control over us by using us sexually, and we are willing to give those Dominant men the ability to do what they want. Indeed, many of us see it as a duty. I do.
It's a good thing we do. Generally speaking, the kinds of things Dominant men enjoy doing to us submissives are not normally considered acceptable practice in the world of plain old vanilla sexual relations. This symbiosis-of-sorts scratches a mutual itch. The Power Exchange that voluntarily takes place allows Dominants to exercise their aggression and submissives to feel controlled.
Usually.
There is, however, a point that I sometimes think gets lost among Dominants who get involved in Power Exchange, particularly those who are on the milder fringes of it, or who are less experienced. This is an exchange, which means it goes two ways. Two givers, two getters, and the exchange has to be more or less equivalent.
Now that sounds a bit odd, given the nature of the thing; you've got a guy who basically says, You can have/do whatever you want with me and another guy who says You get no say in what I'm going to do with you and I'm going to take what I want and both of them sign off on this because that's essentially what the whole thing is about. Except there's some fine print at the bottom of the first guy's statement, so if you read it all, he says, You can have/do whatever you want with me but you have to do it on a regular basis because this is something I need and I'm trusting you to fulfill it.
This is important. Human beings have a set of fundamental basic needs that must be met, laid out by Abraham Maslow in his Hierarchy of Needs. Maslow places the need for sexual expression at the most fundamental level of human need, and it is the building-stone upon which other aspects of the whole person rely, including such things as self-esteem, sense of belonging, and interpersonal relationships. The submissive, in the act of sexual submission is attempting to meet this core physical and psychological need.
When a Dominant accepts a submissive's submission in a formal way, for instance in becoming the keyholder for the submissive's chastity, the Dominant has then physically deprived the submissive of the ability to obtain physical sexual release, and has made the submissive dependent upon him in both a physical and psychological way. The submissive can no longer provide for his own needs. The Dominant benefits from this arrangement, obviously, by having the freedom to act upon his Dominant, aggressive impulses to exert control over another man, to revel in the feeling of power that results when he freely violates what would otherwise be an inaccessible part of the submissive's sexuality. The submissive benefits from the feelings that ensue from being controlled, humiliated, violated, used—or conversely, from the sense of being able to provide something of value to someone (this is the case for me).
The problem is, the Dominant is not constrained; the submissive is. The submissive is entirely dependent upon the Dominant for meeting his continuing need for sexual expression. If the Dominant says, "That was fun, now don't touch yourself for a month" and the submissive hears nothing from the Dominant again for an entire month, and then the Dominant says, "Yeah, I've been busy, I'll get back to you in a couple of weeks" what we end up with is neglect. The Dominant has left the submissive with no means (short of abandoning their agreement or ending their relationship) of meeting his basic need. The Dominant, on the other hand, suffers no such handicap, and may in fact be fulfilling himself in other ways—or with other men—to the degree that he forgets about the submissive.
This is not acceptable, any more than it would be acceptable to leave a fish in an aquarium and not feed it for a month.
Dominants take on a Duty of Care when they agree to Dominate a submissive in an ongoing fashion like this. "Care" may seem an ironic term considering what the Dominant may actually do to the submissive, but the point is that the Dominant must use the submissive on a reasonably regular basis if he wishes to continue to enjoy the benefits of having a submissive to use. Even if the Dominant's libido is at a low ebb, the submissive's needs still need to be attended to even if only in some nominal way.
I have served many Dominants, in many different situations. No two have treated me the same way. Each of them has taught me something different about submission, and I owe much to all of them. But none of them has ever really exercised his Duty of Care toward me. So I encourage all Dominant Tops to give careful consideration before you agree to working with a submissive, that you understand what your duty is, and that you do it.
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