Well, I'm still testing neg (last test was 3 weeks ago) - not that I've been taking all that many loads.

My main concern lately is that I've had a bunch of trips this year. There was one around July 1st, then another early August, then one in early October, and then over Thanksgiving. And coming up there's a 2 week trip around New Year's / early January. So, doing the math… if I got pozzed fuck flu could have messed up one of the trips. I'm just too much of a control freak to let that happen. BUT, after the trip in early January there's nothing until probably April, so my New Year's resolution is to take a lot of loads starting around New Years and focus on situations and people where I'm most likely to get pozzed. The January trip is to California - so should have some decent opportunities to get take some poz loads to get the ball rolling. 

There is one top here in NYC who apparently is toxic and wants to poz me, but he's also into other STIs. I just wanna get pozzed. The other stuff is a major turn-off. 

The other complication has been work and other "life" stuff keeping me busy. Not to mention at the end of the day I'm more likely to want to have a drink and take it easy than go out. Part of that is pandemic habits which I need to break, but the other part is just growing older and not having unlimited energy for sex. 

But mentally I'm definitely "there". I want this and and I want it bad and basically have zero reservations about it. I've worked through whether this is some form of self harm that I should be worried about, or whether it's due to depression or something - it's not. The risk of becoming poz has turned me on for nearly 30 years. And about 10 years ago I had come to the conclusion to just let it happen – but then PrEP came out and I figured it would be easier / less complicated to stay neg. That didn't last long though - a few years later I started gradually taking less and less of my PrEP until I finally stopped. Then there were a couple years of not much sex as I examined what in the hell I was doing, and then just when I was getting ready to take real risk the pandemic hit. So now the desire to be poz has grown and it needs to happen. So much so I might even let the toxic top here in NYC breed me - even if it involves other STIs…

The next few weeks I'll probably focus on topping, but once I'm on the trip to CA I'm gonna need poz cock and loads in my ass!