Hello beautiful,

The first part of today was a bit hectic for me. It was basically covering basic life necessities like buying medications, underwear, socks, and winter clothes that I’ve neglected for a while now. It makes me feel like an adult when I get all this basic stuff covered lol. I also bought the present for Phil too, which is coming up in less than three weeks—some nice bowls and plates. I think he’s going to love them!

Remember the rule for buying gifts for adults, buddy? Always buy the upgraded version of what they already own. Phil has some good bowls and plates, but I think we can do better than that hehe. I truly think he’ll love it because it’s super practical, and it’s something he can use for a very long time. Plus, every time he uses it, he’ll lowkey think of us. Strategic, if you ask me.

I then met Dan afterwards and we lay on his couch, cuddled, and talked about life for about two hours. It felt really nice. I updated him on what’s happening in my life, from music to singing lessons to self-love, and he told me what’s been happening in his life too. We then played Mario Kart, had dinner, listened to some of his favourite music on YouTube, and watched a movie. Somewhere along the way, I got a message from Phil, apologising for the delay in messages this week because he’s in Sydney and had to look after his aunties. I haven’t replied to him yet, even though there’s a pull to do so, but I’ll reply when I’m ready.

Something interesting happened when I was with Dan though. Dan is one of our many friends with benefits, buddy, but today, we didn’t have sex or anything. We barely kissed at all. Just two guys cuddling it out, and it felt really nice and purely physical. I didn’t feel anything when I was with him. I care for him as a friend, yes, but nothing more than that. And I think to myself, is this what friends with benefits is all about? Just two friends cuddling each other without any other hidden agenda underneath it all?

And then I think about Phil, and if Phil feels this way about me. You know, how I’m just a friend to him, and a warm body to hug. And the bittersweet thing about all this is that I feel that when I do see Phil again, and we cuddle and kiss, it will start to feel just that—physical. And all that emotional load will no longer be there, and I feel sad about it all. Sad perhaps for the loss of what was and the what-ifs, the possibilities of something more between us, even if I was the only one to feel that way. Phil will just become like any of my other friends with benefits, and when I look into his eyes, I will finally see him for what he truly means to me right now in the present: just a friend with benefit. Not a lover. Not something more. Not right now.

Someday, maybe, we might go on that second date, and things will go in a different direction. Maybe they won’t. But whatever happens, buddy, I will continue moving on with my life, not to run away from the pain or anything, but because life is too short to stand and wait for maybes.

Oh, and before I forget, I think I’ve figured out the phone calls dilemma I told you about yesterday. Here is the current plan: I’m going to tell people if they have time for a 20-minute phone call catch-up. Then when we talk on the phone, I’ll keep an eye on the time, and at the 20-minute mark, I’ll just ask them if they want to continue or if they want to end the call here. That way, it gives them an opt-out since I did say 20 minutes. I’m not sure if this will work, but I’ll give it a shot.

Stay awesome buddy. Chat soon xx