...Ahh the old blog post box. How many years has it been since I have done a blog? God when I was in middle school-high school I always blogged..and it was about a girl, my life at the time which sucked, being alone, video games, and sometimes rpg gaming I did on forums. I used to have blogs on gaming forums too and wrote about my straight parents since I did not want people to know I had two dads who adopted me. Then, when I finally became 18 I blogged all the time on a very popular gay forum. But it was again about depressing stuff like school, becoming a philosopher, being lonely, and trying to find someone. It got better as time went by though and I started blogging about sex, hook ups, people I met, and random things I did or ate (pre-twitter/facebook shit) and other stuff. I never used any names except partners because I wanted people to know about them and they were cool with it.

But after I grew out of that gay forum I sort of lost touch with blogging. I used to stay up all night blogging sometimes or thinking. It was an outlet for me to express myself *breaks into madonna* or just feel at peace with myself and it felt like I was having a conversation with myself. I've never had a lot of friends or ever really been that popular so I always overthink things and overanalyze everything. And now I am inventing words and using poor grammar. Also I was always bad with my grammar and punctuation.

And I had massive wall texts which caused MASSIVE boredom and "eww this blog sucks", *delete page*. Some people were kind enough to comment on my blogs and others were like, "WTF" or "lawl, get a life" and other hateful shit that people commit suicide over now. That shit never got to me. I believed regardless of whatever pain or people go through in life that you just have to live with it because maybe something good will happen someday and everything you go to will be for a reason and not for nothing. But not everyone is fortunate and not everyone lives a long time. I have never expected myself to live that long. With what I'm doing now..heh maybe I really won't live for long. I am afraid of dying though I'll admit that. I'm a coward. I'm afraid of a lot of other things too.

But extremely turned on by sex. Started reading porn and watching porn and shit in my early teens and became addicted to it. Dreamed of the day when I would lose my virginity and went after it when I was 18. Actually a guy went after me and he took my virginity. Not a pleasant experience at first but it got better after we did it the second or third time. Coming out gay was easy but not out to everyone even now.

Discovering leather was easy for me to find but harder to find guys in it. Feeling like I was living two different lives as a leather boy/me was tricky though. Especially referring to my Sir as his name in public. I even was commented once, "Haha, it's like you are living two different lives boy". I miss those old days with leather. And the community...

That actually was what I was going to write about first. Skip right past intro and into community. But see how selfish I am?

I am still trying to figure out myself right now and decide who I am and who I want to be. There are some things I do know about me though but the rest I am trying to figure out. Although, everything I have done seems to have always been controversial or forbidden. Being gay, being into older guys like bears and daddies, being into leather, and now being into barebacking.

What's next..really what else can I do to piss people off or make people judge me more. I've never been one to piss people off but always been judged. But I'm still here I guess. Oh yeah, I'm also 22 and somewhat sarcastic and a little bit jaded. Well when I post about community that will be an interesting one. I just hope I can get out of this rut I am in and finally be what I was meant to be..whatever that is.

Bai for noa.