This has always bugged me. A certain club in Atlanta and I felt the same when I was at slammers in Ft. Lauderdale. I felt that being selective and not being an all out whore was a bad thing. But I also felt that certain tops and men controlled the whole scene at the club. Especially those on the cat walk. I saw some bottoms getting gang banged but they put themselves out there as bottoms who will take any loads and any cock. Some diddn't have to do that though.

...I felt that regardless of how much a natural bottom and how much I've grown I can't compete with these bottoms or these tops. Sure I got fucked 3 times but not nearly as much as I should have at a place like that. Also, I know men love my ass but is that really what I need to show to get fucked? I can't get fucked unless I bend over? That's somewhat sad..

...These feelings of sadness, regret, guilt, and shame, flooded me as I left slammers. I wish I stayed at ramrod.

So I went back to ramrod. I already had one drink at rumors earlier and I had another at ramrod earlier when I was there with my host's friend.

I went back to ramrod. There was WAYY too many people there when I returned. It was much better earlier when I talked to a few people and was starting to relate to some. That was unlikely now. After walking around and feeling alienated and alone I decided to get a drink. I looked for a place where I could be somewhat alone and have some space. That wasn't happening. So I found a space at the very least. I ordered my third cape-cod of the night and began to drink. I decided that I'm not here to hook up or try to reclaim sex that was ruined from slammers. Nope. I just wanted to be in a bar around people and drink. So I drank. I drank rather fast and did not care who was around. Lots of hot men but I felt alone. Part of me really enjoyed hanging out with host and his friends. And I enjoyed hanging out with the guy the other day and enjoyed being with the tops.

..But I was alone now. I'm usually better at being alone. I'm generally not afraid to be alone. But this moment I was. But regardless of if I was alone or not. I was going to dive into darkness and see how far I'd go down. How far would I fall? Would I lose myself? Would I be myself again? I diddn't care. I just wanted to drink. Before I knew it the drink was finished. I bought another and went back to that spot. I could feel my mind somewhat slipping. I wasn't stupid drunk or happy. I felt sadder then before. Like I made a mistake or that I just wasn't good enough. Old feelings of the past came to mind. I was falling and fading fast.

Everything around me seemed to fade. The music seemed to slowly end. It felt like everything was distorted and I was the only one there. I felt my eyes start to close. I did not want to see anything around me anymore. I did not want to be anywhere. I diddn't want to be anyone or anything. I just wanted to fall. To fall and fall until there was nothing left. What would become of me?

As I was about to fall completely, whether it was blacking out, or losing all train of thought I saw something. From a blur I saw a light. It was the leatherman from the previous night. Everything about that man made me feel, safe, happy, respectful, horny, submissive, and made my leather heart that has been neglected beat. I opened my eyes more and it was really him. For a second I felt happy. But then I thought that he probably doesn't really care. That it would be pointless to say anything. And then these stupid twinky boys nearby started singing the song that was playing off key and loud. It was so fucking annoying and it got worse. I wanted to choke or slap the shit out of them. Decided not to and realizing how drunk I was and how moving was hard I decided regardless I need to talk to that man.

..I went over to him. He was really happy to see me and his friend gave us space. The making out, embracing, touching, holding, warmth, happiness, and safety was back. I felt so happy. I told him about my night and he told me not to worry about slammers and that lots of men bb there anyways. Suddenly guilt filled me. We continued making out and embracing. And somewhat I think he sensed that I was hurt and that I felt lost. His embrace was not only warm but it was full of security and assurance. It's almost as if he was saying, "Cheer up boy. It's going to be okay. You're okay boy. Don't give up on yourself."

...But like before it was short lived. He had to go. However, he gave me some light. But the light was also painful. It brought memories from before I barebacked, when I was a slave, a leather boy, and had a Master. That same light that my Master gave me. But that light was extinguished. This light..felt stronger then the past. It felt stronger then Master, stronger then myself. This light. What is this light. And who is this man. In some ways I felt like crying. If I met this man sooner. I might be a different person then I am today. For better or worse. But regardless. Stronger is what I would be.

..But I accepted this man's light, warmth, strength, and my own regret. I was able to overcome the alcohol and stand. Still drunk but not on the verge of passing out and can still think and reason. But I felt bad that I let myself get that bad. I decided to prove to myself I can overcome more. I have to. I had to. I have to prove it to myself. I have to challenge myself. I have to push myself. I have to give myself..substance. If I don't then who will. Who will acknowledge me...

....

...

..

.

I went out on the patio drinking. I became somewhat of a drunk ass. But I still had personality. But somewhat in the back of my mind I could hear my inner voice questioning what i was doing or saying. I still had some sense of myself left. But I was determined to extinguish it. I had one final drink. I drank it fast but it was strong. I felt my inner voice die even more. I left like there wasn't much left of me. Impulse, rudeness, and arrogance is what had remained. Is that was I always hold back? I did somewhat talk to some people though and enjoyed some of it. But some were annoyed by me. I finished my last drink and before I knew it closing time came. I had a hot dog and went home. I was too tired at that point to think of anything else so I slept..

...Like I'm going to now.