These words had me in tears tonight. This is gonna be a sad post. It sucks to be all emo like this when I was in my younger days. I'm sure I made people want slit their wrists..or mine back then. But it's been a while since I cried. And since I allowed myself to feel. Let's do a little re-cap first.

I don't know if I posted this on here but my roomate gave me an ultimatum after I became poz. The day after I was confirmed to be poz. He told me either I pay him for cleaning the house (while he stays unemployed and doesn't search for work) or I can get the fuck out. I calmly told him, "You are going to have to find something else to keep you occupied during the day. You are going to find another way to get money. Because it won't be from me." I loaned him 60 bucks and he only paid me 20 of it back with a rant and cry about how he does so much house work and I don't do shit..except work 7 days a week and 8 hours a day while he doesn't.

If this was a few years back I would have broke down and cried. I used to cry so much when I was younger than 18 and 18. I remember nights at my former leather family how I'd beat myself and say how much I hate myself and how I'm so worthless. And how my slave brother would stop me and essentially save me from myself. But thanks to "both" of them I've been able to love myself and find value in myself. I've come a long way since then.

I felt my eyes grow cold, I felt like I was sinking when my roomate who is my former Sir tell me this. After all the times I took him out for drinks, took him to dinner, bought him stuff because he isn't working he pulls that shit. I told him I'm doing my own laundry, buying my own food and he can buy his, and making my own meals. His response, "Oh no you won't you never keep your promise you don't have honor." Him daring to tell me I have no honor. He fucking died to me at that moment. That Sir that Master. The one who I knew since I was 18. Who I was in service to, loved, wanted to make so proud, disappointed, and even let him move in with me to an apartment. After everything we've been through even friends he's tried to use me for money and in a manipulative way to keep his pride.

He fucking died to me. Inside. Lingering affection, lingering thoughts, all of it died. Inside, something severe happened but I wouldn't feel it. I just became poz. I couldn't go back to being the scared little kid I used to be. I couldn't be lazy anymore. I couldn't be spoiled. I had to be stronger. I've always wanted to be strong. But now being poz. I have to be strong. No matter what. I cleaned my whole room that night, the kitchen, my bathroom, cleaned my clothes and laundry and a few days later I bought my own groceries. A few days later I started cooking too. Stirfy was awesome but recently the tuna casserole kinda failed. But it was still yummy and I ate it. And it was mine.

We cleaned the house today. He did nothing but criticize me, his former partner/slave, and bitch the entire time. I wanted to slap the shit out of him. But all I could see when he spoke and how he acted was a scared, senile, and pathetic old man who is trying to hold onto any sense of pride or superiority he can have even though he doesn't have shit. And he's scared because I stand up for myself now and I might very well move out with a partner one day. He even said that. And somewhere inside. I actually believe it myself.

Because he made me feel like shit and pissed me off I felt like running away from my own home. But I had to pack up my PS3 first. I fucked up and did not budget power bill which we got two months later. And I got fucked by the goverment for tag registration for my birthday and paid way too much. Even with taxes, I'm short for rent. So instead of being LATE on rent and getting possible eviction, lower credit, cash scams, or loan scams I decided to sell my PS3. I tried new escort sites the week before but no luck. I'll work on that later. I called my former roomate and friend and asked if I could come over. He said it was okay. So I stopped halfway through "The Dictator" kinda funny movie and packed up my PS3. My plan was to get the playstation camera and av cable so I could go to gamestop after and get a quote on it. Since someone was already asking $150 for it and I'm pretty sure that's what gamestop will give me.

When I got over there I bitched about our former Sir and how he is talking shit about my former partner and friend. We both got pissed off and said our own things. But while we were talking I realized some things. First is that we don't really know who he is. Nor do others. But I realized how much of an impact in a negative way he had on me. I knew it was because of him that I bareback. I would have been fine being his boy and taking his cock and loads but he decided not to have sex with either of us. And I eventually started barebacking because I wasn't getting any. But the way he treated me during sex was the same way a trick treats me. Which as impressionable as I was at the time is very likely the reason to why I like to take loads and hook up. And unfortunately even though it's hot, the reasons aren't.

I realized so much talking to my friend. About who I thought my former Sir is and how much of everything he told me is a lie. His faith, his confidence. Everything. How he used me. How he still tries to. How he talks shit about my best friend and his former partner and my former slave brother. And how he is such a fucking asshole.

I had to cuddle up and lean on my former brother. I wanted to be close to him. That familiarity and that safe and warm feeling I got in the past. And like in the past I felt everything. Memories from the past of things Master told me and how I tried to act like him, how I'm sexist to women now because of him, how I hate the pans because he is, and how I tried to become everything he was to make him happy. And although he wanted me to as well his plan failed because my natural stubbornness broke me away from him. But also freed me.

I looked up at my former brother and told him, "I still love you. I miss you and I appreciate everything you do." He questioned, "why are your eyes red."

I was crying. I told him, "Because I'm hurt." He asked me, "Why are you hurt." I thought of saying because of our former Master. But I thought about it harder. I told him, "You know I know I'm poz and everything. I've known it for a while. I know former Sir lied to me and used both of us. But knowing is different than feeling."

I broke down in tears when I said that. He just held me close and rubbed my hair and told me to let it all out. I did. Ever since I became poz. Ever since my former Sir and roomate died in my eyes. I never let it out. I never expressed it. I just brushed it off and told myself to be stronger. And I've become a hell of a lot stronger. But it still hurt. It still hurts. It hurts alot. I want to cry. I told him, "I really miss this. But I understand that being an adult means that sometimes you have to be alone and deal with things on your own. Even though it hurts. That's just part of life. But I appreciate that right now you are here."

...

This is why. It's probably so important for me to blog. Someone who can't express himself normally or verbally. Needs a way to let things go, vent, bitch, and let certain feelings and emotions out. It did cripple me sometimes in the past. But I'm a lot stronger then I used to be. And I'm going to keep getting stronger. Because now I no longer have to feel, "guilt" for barebacking, for being poz, for being who I am. Because that man's views no longer matter to me. I don't give a shit about what he thinks. But I can't ever deny that I don't care for him. That would be a regret in the future. And I'm someone who doesn't want to have regrets. Even though I have several.

I just have to keep going the way I'm going. Keep finding leather people in unknown places. Keep following my leather and submissive heart. Because even that is slowly changing and evolving. Find that leather path that I've started on and keep moving forward. Keep my friends and people who care about me close and in contact. Whenever I feel down or depressed as long as I know that people somewhere care and want the best for me I'm able to summon strength and stay strong.

But it is hard. It's really hard to be strong sometimes. Because lately I have felt more alone. But now I realize that I don't have to. And maybe even if I do feel really alone, scared, and wanting to cry. That it's okay. Even strong people cry.

Because I'm strong.