It's like a secret, within a secret, within a secrete. It's called JUB...errr extra, hidden, bonus, alternate, aw who gives a fuck.

So yes I have three blogs running now...seriously wish I updated them more. But writing for me I'm like a fucking primadona. One my hair has to be the right way, the temperature has to be right, I prefer chill but not frozen..

Basically I have to sort of be in the mood but not only that have the time and I guess allow myself to relax and be at ease enough to in a hippy, faggy, spiritual sense, "let my soul flow through me and have my writing reflect what my soul feels.." soul.

That's so gay.

Okay now I'm just being a n00by, sarcastic, interwebz asshole right now. I guess I feel sort of random or something. I need a way to channel that. But anyways. So I'm running three blogs. Because I haven't said that enough and I haven't made enough of a production about that. Damn I can't be fucking straightf-..lol straight. Err..I can't be forward with anything right now. Wow if these are a complete analysis and literal transcription of my thoughts I'm more fucking batshit than that kinky crazy bitch on the zaxbys commercials. You know the one who will harvest your organs if you fucking touch her zaxby's salad or her special horsey sauce, dressing, or whatever the fuck they call it. LOL.

(This Blog is Not Rated because it makes no fucking sense and has no flow, premise, rationality, or purpose at all please delete)

In a sense. This will be the extra. I have the other three bases covered. I have them covered because I'm tri-polar..oh yeah that was a good album. But because I have three aspects of my life that can be broken down into three categories so they don't get mixed mashed and confusing. So those are properly channelled. Too bad for this one. So here I go..and no one can say I'm that bat shit crazy with the fucking drama going on in certain parts of this forum right now. For fucking christ's sake those two need to get the fuck of the interwebz and go on fucking maury or Dr. Phallus or something so they can get humilated and paid. Because yes we can. Not that I have an opinion on it..diddn't even realize shit was already going on before I replied to that one. Oh wellz, too late to delete or edit. But not too late to get another warning, violation, probation, house arrest? (please no)

So I'm probably seriously fucked at work. That guy probably isn't coming back to warehouse, I pray his surgery went well and he's okay but with the department I worked for before just hiring someone a few days before I left and went back to warehouse and certain things that have been said. I can't help feel that I've been set up. Don't think that the guy diddn't have surgeory and isn't in seriou shit. But the way my possibly former boss said, "Well..don't know if you'll be back here or not tomorrow but we'll find out tomorrow." He has an asshole/gleefull like way of lying or bullshitting people. I seriously think I got trolled. I pray to fucking god that friday is my last day in warehouse and I'm back in printing but somehow I think I'm pretty fucked and there for another week at least or permantely. And to be quite honest, the only way I've been able to get by and mantain my composure is because I THOUGHT it wasn't permanent. Be it physical or mental pain/pressure I can deal with shit as long as I know that it's not forever and the pain will subside. But if it doesn't and it's never ending then what?

I'll promise this much. If I do end up being permanent. I'm going to speak my fucking mind. I already got laid off and hired back for shits and giggles by them. If someone tries to fuck with me or bullshit me I'm fucking calling them out don't care who it is. I'm not afraid of being fired anymore and I'm not afraid of getting in trouble. I've already been let go. There is no job security, there is no growth, there is no future. But I'm not going to let those fuckers treat me like shit anymore or try to blame me for something. And I'm not gonna be some scared little kid like, "OH BOSS BOSS THEY DID THIS THEY CAN'T DO THAT." That will get me nowhere. But I shouldn't worry about that too much right now..but I can't help but shake these deep feeling that it's coming. And when it does do I swallow it or do I just go numb and say, "Please, is this the best you got?" But that's painful as well.

Being poz now and having to be more careful too. This job will fucking erode my health so fast. Shit I already can't sleep at night worse than before and stress is higher than ever. If they think I'll really just idly sit by and just take it they have another thing coming...

elsewhere...

I think of my old fuck bud who I don't see anymore. Part of me regrets saying to him that night, "I wish it was you that pozzed me". Wasn't asking to marry him but that was sort of a deep thing to say. Even after the weeks of silence and he talked to me again I stated, "I don't take back what I said. I meant it." I decided to let him take that how he wanted. And he did so it can't be helped. But my new fuck bud that I see. Young 30 stocky bearish man with younger features who is smart, sharp, observant, and hot as hell. We've fucked a few times and we do stuff besides just fucking and he made a lot of effort when we first hooked up and let me know I'm a bit more than "just" a trick. And visa versa. But when at dinner he said, "YOU NEED TO GET OFF YOUR ASS, FIND A JOB THAT HAS HEALTH INSURANCE, TAKE CARE OF YOUR HEALTH, AND GET OUT OF WHERE YOU ARE NOW" I think in some ways that also might be his qualifications. I think everyone has qualifications for what they desire in a partner or friend. But having a partner, boy, whatever that has no insurance, a crappy job, and will someday deterioate because they don't take care of themselves. Not the best choice to make. So I know he said it because he cares. And it probably hurts him a bit since I'm in a crappy situation. But then again, that's why I'm not looking for someone right now anyways.

I'm just glad I get to see him very often and that we have fun and I'd rather take it slow either. As for the leather couple. I really like them, and I can't help but wonder if they are looking something closer with me. But not sure if I'm ready for that after the poly leather experience I got. But I do know that in terms of leather education, play, growth, and desire. That man..they are the next step. Teachers, friends, mentors, or whether it goes farther then that. That's up to me and them. But if nothing else I can't ignore that. Because in many ways what they possess and who they are. They are part of what I've been searching for. But that also brings out some old fear and fear in general. But I've shown I can get past that.

...And now I'm boring or tiring myself out. That's so bad that my own writing bores me or puts me to sleep. Or it could be that technically speaking, "I've exhausted my thoughts, feelings, and released myself so I can rest now"

...Probably not.