Heh for some reason I feel like writing a hell of a lot right now. And keeping with my promise to make "certain" entries on here still.

I was thinking of this when I was reading what I wrote in the "Strong" entry and when I was talking with someone on mancunt about getting tested, poz, and ryan white grant.

I don't know how many times I've repeated the thing about Atlanta hating poz guys and fucking things up. I even said, "All I know is A-". And I thought to myself.

..Who am I really to say that. Yes I probably never will get a gay card..I did learn about gay history, conduct unbecoming, and the band played on, harvey milk, stone wall, and some other gay history and others about HIV. It's probably said by almost everyone in the older generation, "Those who don't know their history are damned to repeat it." But what about the present. I thought to myself that yes I know how things used to be because I read about it, studied it, and have known people who lived during that time period. And I'm learning more being positive. But what I really don't know is the present. I really don't know what's going on in the world right now and what's going on with gay politics, HIV advancement, grants, research, or hell even leather. But I stepped back from that last one.

So I felt like such an ass when I said, "All I know." I then emailed them explaining.."I really don't know". Because that's true. I'm freshly poz, 22, and while I do know some history I don't know what the hell people are doing right now to help. I should learn about that. But it's not just that there's a lot of things I don't really know about. Even obama care I hear that being mentioned sometimes and how that will help me not having health insurance and stuff like that. I hope I don't get cited for mentioned that..please gods no. LOL someone at my work says that..I laugh everytime he says that.

But on a serious topic. I guess maybe I shouldn't try to think I'm so fucking high and mighty sometimes. Even with technology, media, and computers. There's still a shit I don't know a lot about. Much more I want to learn about. I'm an enthusiast as best. Far from a fucking expert. But I won't deny that I don't fucking adapt to technology like a (really lame pun..in a really lame pun) and that I absorb knowledge like a sponge sometimes..

But really I don't know a damn thing about this world. I don't know a damn thing about AIDS, being poz, being gay, leather? But that's okay. Because there is so much I want to learn about. There is so much I want to help with and maybe someday I can even help someone as well. So i kind of felt like shit when I thought that I'm really just an insignificant little shit who is just a smear on this world. But I have to recognize my own talents and abilities and keep in mind that what I don't know. That's just an empty canvas ready to pain on and fill with knowledge, experience, and so much more.

So I guess I'm happy that I made that stupid "Strong" post. Because it reminded me that I have so much to learn. I just wish I could find the time to learn more about things. But I'll work harder to try and read about stuff or study stuff more than just technology, gaming shit, and porn after work. Because even as much as that I look at. Do I still know how to arch my back. That makes me a fucking failure of a bottom if I don't even know how to arch my back properly. Even a whore on the street could do that. Wahhh I'm worth less than a 2 bit whore on the street. I only bring that up because a Sir once told me that there is a certain way a boy should arch his back and present his ass to his Sir and that really turns on a Sir. But things like positions or slave positions..damn that takes me back. But even as far as bottoming goes I still have much to learn with that. And topping. I just need to learn to control that shit. Every guy I've fucked they've either told me to slow down or pulled out and same for blowing. I'm just an aggressive and untamed wild little fuck when it turns to topping. And I'd like to learn more control and more with just fucking someone until I come. But in time I'll learn that too. It might be somewhat truthful when a guy once told me, "Stop topping boy. You're too young for that. Top when you are in your 30's are so learn to bottom and submit right now.

There is some truth to that. But lets see taking an average of one month was like 6-7 loads a night (in january) and all the guys I've been with and all the times I've been fucked and bred. Not only that but the Sirs I've submitted to, obeyed, showed obedience to, and even was a slave/boy to a man at one point. Yes I might have never gotten gang banged or done an orgy. But I probably have a hell of a lot more experience bottoming to the point where I am ready to learn to top.

So much to learn. So little time.

*and I'll probably end up insulting someone and apologizing for this post later on*