NiceHard1

I agree, that wherever you are can be the best place to be. Of course, bigger cities may usually have more people in general available.

My biggest advice is to put yourself out there and make an effort to meet guys and connect. Some bottoms do go into a bathhouse or sex party and set up camp hoping for tops to come in to fuck them. I'm sure that works some times, but my personal preference is to talk to guys and make a connection, and then decide to fuck - deciding who will top and who bottom or both.

I agree with others here. Age is but a number. You can choose for yourself what you are comfortable with and want for yourself, and there are now some new ways to mitigate the risk

Great posts everyone - Tiger and BBZH especially.

I understand your desire to be there. I find places that are white dominated to be, well, very plain, white, and not as interesting as places with a greater variety and diversity of men. Places that promote to men of color can be the same in reverse. I have gone to men of color parties in NYC, and have found the majority of guys to be welcoming, with a small handful not unfriendly, but also not looking to hook up with me. I suppose it can be different at different places or different parts of the country. But I think both extremes are limiting themselves. I would like to find more venues that attract a greater mix and diversity of men. I would travel somewhere to find that, so if anyone has recommendations, please let us know.

I wish you had an option of "none of the above" in those choices. I think of brotherhood as a group of men with common meaning of their desire, interest, and purpose. I don't think those choices are bad things, but that they represent guys who are getting comfortable with barebacking. I respect their need to take slow steps, but I think they are not yet fully a part of the brotherhood at that point. Now I don't think that a guy who on occasion allows another guy to use a condom, or to pull out would disqualify him, as sometimes we find ourselves in a situation where we want to connect with a guy who is not comfortable with what we do, and that is fine. But typically, I think of a brotherhood member as one who is seeking out other guys who will be willing to bareback, and generally avoiding guys who are not comfortable with it.

I don't believe stealthing is representative of brotherhood. I think of stealthing as only thinking of yourself and not having regard for others. A brotherhood, to me, is not forcing someone to become a member either without his knowledge or against his will.

I'll stop short of saying that exchanging sperm would be a requirement, but I think it is an extremely important part of it.

you should really be on PrEP... check out the PrEP forum on here.

especially if you'd like to stay neg

If you are in Detroit, you might consider a drive to Toronto to go to Northbound Leather. It is one of my favorite stores. you could go shopping then spend the night at Steamworks there. You might first want to check out the leather bar in Detroit and see what people are wearing and what you like. Or check out a few leather porn videos too. (I wear a couple of different harnesses in some of my films!)

Another great store near me is Full Kit here in Provincetown. It is offseason, and the guys at the store could probably give you some advice on sizes if you give your body measurements. And they have free shipping if over $50 (Height, chest, waist, etc...not necessarily cock size - unless your're going for a cock ring too!)

Buying in person can give you the best result, as you can try things on and see how they look.

But online is not impossible.

If you go to the leather bar, you might even ask some guys there if you can try on their harnesses to see how they feel.

Good luck!

http://www.fullkitgear.com/

Excellent! Great step. I think it is awesome to be proactive like this. If you are a bareback bottom, and it is likely that you would need to start on HIV meds at some point after becoming poz, it makes sense to start the meds now, and be preemptive.

I've had pretty good luck with mancaps

http://mancaps.com/

Lots of great ideas already given; here are my Top 10, based on sex and gay community

1. San Francisco - Beautiful city, great community, sex; cool crisp, mild weather (not too hot, not too cold)

2. New York - Big, bustling, broadway, bareback; As long as good with the cold winters

3. Chicago - Fun, slutty city - big leather community, bars, gay neighborhood, and its cold

4. Ft. Lauderdale - if you want a gay city with sex in a warmer climate

5. Provincetown - Most densely gay populated in the summer; quiet in the winter - yea and I'm here now

6. LA/WeHo - California, but warmer than SF; good opportunities

7. Palm Springs - Even warmer than LA, and closeby (counterseasonal to Provincetown)

8. Washington - People forget out our Capital as a great gay friendly city / close to other east coast points too

9. Seattle - Often also forgotten about - a young city with vibrant gay life - a bit less expensive than some

10. San Diego - Warm city, great community

If you consider north of the border:

- Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver are awesome cities

If you want some other cities that are not always thought of first, but have great opportunities:

-Denver, Columbus, Philadelphia, Miami, New Orleans

Dutch-

Nowadays, there are often no symptoms that act as a telltale sign of HIV/AIDS to prompt one to get tested. The "fuckflu" as commonly called can be a sign that seroconversion happened, but particularly in the flu season, it could be just the flu.

If you are thinking of KS legions, which were once an initial indicator of HIV/AIDS really only appear after years of infection untested and untreated - but they tend to not be itchy.

If you really do have red itchy spots that you think may be sexually transmitted, it could be something as simple as Scabies.

Syphilis can have a rash, but usually not itchy....

Gonorrhea can have an itch...so can poison ivy.

Check it out with a doctor or public health clinic. Its good to find out, and get treated

nice - I love both giving it and taking it like that

Greetings Colt -

Thanks for your message, and welcome to the site. You can find lots of great information here from all extremes. You can find lots of younger guys who are exploring their sexuality, and trying to decide what they are looking for and what they are comfortable doing. Take your time....explore...read...post...make friends... and only when you're ready, jump in.

I think I am hearing you share that your concerns are about more than just HIV. You may be holding up the HIV risk as your concern, as that is the easiest risk to see, but I think you may also be concerned about the risk of other STI's or of sexual addiction, or even about what others think about your sexual desires.

They are all great things to think about and to find the right balance in your life. The answer is not the same for everyone. For some guys, sex every day may feel fine, and others may find that interfering with their work, family, or other friendships. Having more frequent sex does mean testing for other STIs regularly, assuming you care about your health and that of your partners.

It is good to find close friends with whom you can talk about anything without any judgement. Its not something to talk about with everyone though. And yes, it is possible too to have a relationship with someone, even have children, and be sexual. The key is finding a partner who is on the same page with you, and develop a plan for fulfilling your desired level of sexuality with each other and with others. When you do that in a way that is honest with yourself and your partner, balancing work, family, friends and your sexuality - that sounds like a healthy lifestyle.

Greetings-

I would love a shirt - and if you can, a second one for the boy (the one in my blog who I pozzed about a year ago - we are still together)

Prefer for both

-Medium

-Burgundy (or any color)

-Front - Breeding Zone

-Front Graphic color - tone on tone, or any

-Rear - small biohazard

-Rear color - tone on tone, or any

Thanks!

yes - would love to meet some of you guys

Try Man Caps. I have gotten them at health product/supplement stores in SF and WeHo and liked them.

http://mancaps.com/

I love fucking my boy in a variety of positions, and love making out with him too. But I too find that I do best getting him doggy style. I can give him a really great pounding, hold him down and then shoot deep inside of him

I think that many HIV educators/workers who are not "out in the trenches" having sex with other men do not understand the reality of needs and desires that shape the actions of gay men. Many think that we solved this years ago telling guys to just use condoms, and don't understand why that message has not worked. Thus, I think the first important message is to ask HIV workers to not to be judgmental and not suggest that guys are crazy for not using condoms. Suggest that workers should be open to understanding that it is not as simple as that.

A big motivator to bareback is a subject that most men (gay or straight) don't want to bring up: Its about the erection! Many guys after hitting 30 (sometimes even younger) have a hard time staying hard using rubbers. One could argue that guys who bottom who are at the most risk could insist that tops wear condoms - but they get the erection issue too. They know that many guys who they might like to get fucked by can't do it with a rubber. Requiring tops to use a condom may mean not getting fucked. Many guys are not trying to become poz - they are just trying to be sexual, and learn that barebacking is sometimes the only way to do it.

Let guys know that though being poz is no longer the end of the world, it is still nice to stay neg if possible. It is certainly fine to continue to promote the idea that condoms are an effective way to prevent HIV transmission, but if its not going to work for a guy, then don't continue to harp only that line, but be open to talking about alternative harm reduction strategies for guys who want to choose to bareback

Harm Reduction Ideas

- Get tested regularly for both HIV and other STIs

- Consider meds like viagra to help stay hard if you want to use condoms

- Avoid pnp/drug use - it can impair your judgement and choices

- Consider PrEP (If you're open to becoming poz and eventually going on HIV meds, why not go on HIV meds now, and perhaps prevent HIV)

- Serosorting for HIV neg guys only is not an effective strategy ("Neg" may not always be neg; "poz" not always a high risk)

-Topping is less risk than bottoming

-Listen to your instinct. If you don't feel comfortable, don't do it. Its OK to say no, even after you're naked.

-Ask a neg partner: how often do you get tested? When was your last test? (long time ago? more risk)

-As a neg top: are you exclusive top? (less risk if he never bottoms)

-Ask a poz partner: are you taking meds? (not on meds, higher risk)

-Ask a poz partner: how often do you get HIV lab work? What is your viral load?

(Don't put words in his mouth by asking if he's undetectable, ask what viral load is.. but if he is undetectable - less risk)

-Pulling out before cumming may be less risk, but not always. Pre-cum can transmit HIV, especially if high viral load guy

-Are you really really comfortable with being poz if it happens?

-Do you have insurance or live in a state with good public health?

-Suggest having negative guys read the information for guys who have just seroconverted NOW - while still neg - to see how they feel about if if it happens.

Check out www.projectinform.org for good info for newly converted guys.

Hope these ideas can help your discussion, and be helpful for other guys too

Agree. You can bareback and have a harm reduction strategy.

Each additional layer that you add can further reduce your risk:

-Being only a top reduces risk

-Bottom taking HIV meds (either becuase he is poz, or on PrEP) reduces risk for the top

-Neg top taking PrEP (where available) reduces risk

-Poz bottom who is undetectable reduces risk

-Both of you get tested for all STIs regularly reduces risk of STIs and HIV

-Being circumcised may reduce your risk as the top

-Following your instinct if something does not feel right reduces your risk

Perhaps consider less about the age criteria, and look for guys who share the same interests and values that you do. Age can be just a number and if a guy has what you are looking for, be open to seeing what he is all about.

App -

Don't beat yourself up about it. You are human, and you are male, and you did what probably most of us on this site have done.

You're not crazy or bad. It happened, and you can't change that.

So what to do next...

-Recognize that this decision or others that you have made are ones that have some risk.

-Get tested and find our where you stand

-If you're poz, then you'll need to learn how to handle that to stay healthy, and know that its not the end of the world.

-If you're neg, then time to do some soul searching and decide what you want for yourself and what your priorities are. If you realize that you really are not prepared to become poz yet, or maybe that you are prepared to, but want to choose to stay neg, then you'll need to come up with a harm reduction strategy that includes only the level of risk that you are comfortable taking. If being a sexual pig bottom is more important, then choose to do that, knowing that it will just be a matter of time before you become poz. You could also consider going on PrEP to prevent HIV - it really works.

Most importantly though is to do whatever you do intentionally and with choice rather than by chance.

Its not what "they" did to you, its what you chose to accept for yourself.

I agree with others here that if they really are undetectable, then a low risk.

But you have to trust that they really are undetectable, just as you would have to trust that a guy who says he is negative really is negative.

If they are not undetectable, then precum, or pre-ejaculation sperm would be high enough viral load to convert you.

How do you lower your risk? - consider sticking with guys who you know and really trust to be on HIV meds....or consider going on PrEP yourself

I personally think guys who bug chase are mentally unstable. Possibily experiencing low self esteem, worthlessness, depression or loneliness. I think these guys also feel they are not part of something and are seeking to be a part of a "community" they think will accept them and love them with open arms.

Why anyone would willingly set themselves up to becoming poz beyond me. Life is complicated and stressful as it is, why would you want something that is going to only make things even mored challenging?

Colby- I do agree with some of your points as well. Email and posts can often be challenging, as it is hard to convey tone. At first I thought that you were sounding a bit harsh and judging, and hope ou are not, but your thoughts include good points that guys should consider. If they are chasing as a means to counter low self-esteem or to look for acceptance, perhaps that would be important to try to address in other ways before doing so in a life-changing way.

Now this may not explain everyone. And there may be guys who have a positive outlook, pardon the pun, and know what they are looking for

I think that there is a connection and parallel to pregnancy. I am totally fascinated by pregnancy and love talking with my female friends who are pregnant. Many are amazed at the physical process that happens, aside from the part about giving life to another. A mans sperm gets into the body and makes a physical change to the partner's being. I think that some men have tht same kind of impregnation craving. We often use the same exact terminology too. Lots of women have sex too and take sperm without getting pregnant, but it is that ultimate experience of being impregnated that is forever life changing and one that many women, and some men want to experience at some point in their life

Now let me add that I am not saying that I promote this...much like I would not tell my women friends to go out and get pregnant until they are certain that they are ready for that stage in their life

I personally don't do any drugs myself but I think you all now that I lose to fuck. I have often found it hard to find guys who are piggy into bareback but not into pnp, but lately, I have been seeing a greater number of guys on BBRT checking the "hell no" box to drugs.

I had seen any cases of guys ruining their lives, losing their jobs, including, in one case, a guy who was formerly a registered nurse with a great career lose his nursing license. In another case, I know a young guy (other blog comments here) who ignored his HIv health, and now is seriously ill with AIDS related infections from a completely deteriorated immune system.

I think we should do more to encourage our friends here to move away from pnp