jtonic

Is'nt that exciting. See, we told you you were gonna be ok.

It's exciting. But I still wish for a cure.

I'm actually thinking of getting involved with an organization to push for more funding and research.

ID doctors are very vocal about the pursuit for a cure; we don't have to stop at Vacc-4X or PrEP.

I'm in NY. But I need more than a hook up. I am at the edge and have basically decided that rather than commit suicide I would turn the reins over to a MAN. If I can find one. In my mind, this is the same as ending it all. I have no choices after this.

Hi. Please PM if you need help or support.

Your life is still worth something.

1. It's hot that you realized you're a bottom slut.

2. Learn about PrEP and STI prevention.

3. As long as you've done step 2, have fun.

Love yourself and fuck anyone who gives you shit, I'd rather have one or two good friends that i can count on then a gagle that are not worth shit

It's the attitude I wish I had right now.

Dealing with rejection (and worse: false statements about today's reality of HIV) has been difficult for me in the past couple days. In the course of 2-3 days on Grindr, I think I changed a dozen guys' opinion about poz-undetectable. Most guys still dismiss the idea of meeting a poz-undetectable outright. I was able to convince them otherwise.

It does get tiring to constantly do sex-ed and act like a spokesperson every time you encounter misinformation.

develop a sense for bullshit

If I had to vote for a tl:dr for this thread, that pretty much sums it up!

bberik : thanks for sharing the article.

I heard of this development last week, from my clinic in Montreal no less (excellent ID doctor). The staff are all buzzing. They are opening this protocol to actual patients in a few months. If my test results don't show abnormalities (drug resistance or dangerously low CD4 count), they might give me a choice to join this protocol and bypass ARV medication completely.

It's called Vacc-4X. In the field of HIV ARV treatment, it's considered the latest / cutting-edge development.

It's not preventive (pre-exposure). It's not for post-exposure either. It's aimed squarely at HIV-poz.

Trials, such as the one conducted by Bionor, have shown that a regular shot of Vacc-4X can safely and reliably replace ARV pills - completely. That means it is capable of reducing a viral load to the same (or lower) undetectable level than would be achieved with current ARV medication.

Although it is not yet a cure for HIV, it's a welcome development. In the future, you could potentially get a single Vacc-4X shot as part of a regular health checkup (just like a flu shot, but every 3 months), then go home and forget about it. Imagine; no pills to take every day, and you'd still be undetectable.

I'm so thankful for research and breakthroughs like that.

You're definitely not alone. Probably the biggest reason why I no longer like bathhouses or do anon sex: it's not their health, it's just basic hygiene. Some BH patrons are just disgusting; bad breath, greasy hair, smelly feet - they're the exception (most guys are clean), but still - never fun to deal with.

It's personal taste, but I like my guys showered, clean-cut and taking care of themselves.

The main reason I hesitate to do anon is that I haven't found out my viral load yet (still waiting to sort out the meds). I don't want to put other people at risk, and also wouldn't want to catch other STDs in the meantime. But the feeling is strong.

I've read all these posts about sling sex, raw gangbangs and so on. Despite my recent freakout about turning poz, a lot of guys told me to look on the bright side and told me I should explore fantasies which weren't necessarily feasible to me before (I used to practice safe sex, and rarely with over 2 guys).

In the past couple days, after taking time to cool down, my sexual desire is growing back. Low and behold, I'm increasingly turned on by the idea of 'cum dump'. I started getting replies on barebackrt and thought, maybe I could try my first cumdump. Then I randomly got this message from someone saying he wants to help me get my first gangbang. So far, he sounds like a well-rounded guy (not abusive, reasonable top).

He insists on going to a sauna (I assume he probably means Oasis, GI Joe, or the new Reflexxx club in Montreal). But I don't think I'm ready for a full-on 'anonymous' gangbang yet (plus I've never been to a sauna ever). My initial thought was to find 3-4 tops myself, then meet at one of their places. But I realize it's complicated to arrange. Part of me thinks I should take my time and stick to a private gathering. The other part is thinking I should just let go and go to the bathhouse, but then I'm not sure if I'm ready, or it's just the slutty bottom in me waking up.

For the bottoms out there who had a gangbang, where did you do it first? private or bathhouse?

Were you scared or worried about your first experience? Was there a safe word (and what are a few things I should watch out for?)

I'm sure he's been mentioned before, but for me, absolutely Tim Kruger (from Tim Tales website).

It's not just his dick size. It's not even that he's "dominant" (although he does fuck extremely deep/hard when he wants to). He's just the perfect top. Masculine, assertive, but sweet. He responds to his bottoms, follows their reaction, changes his pace/angle, really knows how to hit their spot, open them up and take them on a wild ride!

I share your frustration about flakes. But we're in the age of Craigslist and Grindr now. Email and texting make it easier for people to hide. It's just how things are.

Personally, I haven't had a lot of guys choking on me because I usually ask to chat on Skype first, or just a quick phone call (live, so I know the guy is somewhat serious). Sometimes we just text, but will exchange pictures. For anonymous sex, it's obviously more complicated. But in general, I don't waste my time. Guys who really want sex will come to me.

So, reading through this thread, it sounds like sling sex is the best.

Did anyone try this with blindfolds on (or a hood)?

How is the experience different knowing you can't see who is actually fucking you?

So after months of grappling with health insurance issues (long story) and the possibility of taking ADAP, I finally got situated with a great health insurance plan and got my prescription for Stribild filled at the pharmacy.

poptronic, how was the first month on Stribild?

Did anything change in the first few days, or has it been almost unnoticeable?

Does the daily pill intake become mundane routine,

or do you still think sometimes that 'it's for the rest of your life'?

I wonder how quickly most guys get over the initial uneasiness.

Sorry for so many questions but I'm curious because my doctor says Stribild would probably be my meds if I don't have resistance.

hungry_hole : I guess it boils down to personal choice.

Personally, had I known about PrEP a year ago, I would've done it in a heartbeat.

But you seem well aware of the risk / benefit, so at least you're taking an informed decision.

Same here, I will definetly ask my ID doc to put me on med

Did you get your detailed test results? Hopefully they tell you there's no resistance, and with their approval, you could start treatment now.

I'm finding out next Wednesday. If my viral load is high (+ low CD4 count) and I have no resistance, I will ask to get the meds right away. I wanna squash this little bug!

For Canadians : if I'm on public health care (RAMQ), does co-pay work the same way as in the US? Is it an option? I asked my therapist, but she said I would have to ask the pharmacist instead and apparently I need to register myself. But the website for most meds, say, Stribild, are all US based. If anyone has more information about co-pay assistance for someone living in Quebec, I appreciate your tips.

Hungry, you really need to go on an all out campaign to find and get on PrEP. As jtonic suggests, it appears to be available at some locals w/in Canada. in the US, PrEP has been available for the past couple of years (approved by the FDA) and is covered by almost all insurance companies. I have been on it for 3 months and like most folk have had no side effects (and i'm hardly a youngee).

I feel like PrEP should get equal (if not more) publicity than condoms. Every gay guy should at least know it's an option. Most don't. I've been told by my clinic that over 3 quarters of guys who come in for tests are deemed 'high risk' (sexually active, with one or more high-risk occurrence in the past 3 months). Yet, only a small minority agrees to go with PrEP. Sadly, those people are likely the ones who come back later, then get diagnosed with HIV.

I myself didn't hear about PrEP until recently. It's indeed new, not widely accepted, and not available everywhere. But as a young poz in my 20s, I already regret that I didn't go all-out to inform myself. That piece of information could potentially have prevented my situation. As you said, hungry_hole, all it takes is a single contact. Talk to your doctor about PrEP and don't hesitate to consider it. The worse that can happen is that you experience side effects, then change your mind and stop. There's no long term commitment there.

I've been using powerpoppers.com for about five years now -

http://powerpoppers.com/

And my popper of choice is the label-less brown bottle, which is also their cheapest -

http://powerpoppers.com/brown_bottle_poppers.shtml

Thanks. I will give that a try.

Previously went with http://www.amsterdam-poppers.com/en/

Prices look about the same.

I was talking to the nurse who did my HIV test about PrEP and I don't think that it will be available in Canada any time soon. And in a way I agree because I don't know if I would put myself through PrEP, side effects etc.

If I were younger, like so many of the newly poz young guys here, I may have considered PrEP. More sexual activity, more years ahead of me, etc. I'm still having anon sex and I know all you need is one contact, but never the amount of sex I had earlier.

Are you sure PrEP isn't offered at another clinic in your area? It's something I would seriously consider (speaking as a newly poz who didn't seek it). I think the benefits of PrEP outweigh the side effects from the meds (and that's assuming you have any side effect at all). You get peace of mind, plus another incentive to get tested regularly and keep your overall health in check. Where I live, for example, PrEP is offered at L'Actuel in Montreal. The staff seemed very 'pro' about this new trend.

It's important to understand that it will be a different "normal" and with time you will adjust to this new normal, but it will take time. It will never be the old normal which is what everybody going through profound life changes has to grieve.

This is what I feared most, but I know I need to come to terms with this reality. It will be a different 'normal' - it won't be the same and I can't go back. It looks like everyone goes through it eventually, and I will too. The good thing is I don't feel shame anymore. Last week I had strong feelings of guilt. I put a lot of blame on myself. I also used to reject encouragements that said I should look on the bright side ("think of all the sex you can now have without fear!"); oddly enough, it's helped me lately. rawTOP was right. 'Slutty sex' is something I never quite embraced before. Maybe I should explore this side of me, after I get undetectable? I even got horny for the first time in weeks yesterday. I didn't think this feeling would be back in a long time. Guess I'm only human. Anyone else had a phase like that, where new/greater possibilities for sex was actually a coping mechanism rather than a source of stress?

The other thing I still do is to refer to "my little passenger" - after all it depends on me for life support, but erm, it ain't going anywhere because it's so bombed out on all the antivirals I keep throwing at it...

This is one of the tricks my therapist suggested; visualizing HIV as a little bug that's inside me (and will always be part of me), but something I will always control and beat the hell out of with new meds!

jtonic, you are less isolated than you think... There are many guys here you can PM, and of those many you can phone. From what you write you are exactly where you need to be. And all the churn in you will pass. I remember my friend poptronic's path well and you are in a similar place now. Will you be on a roller coaster for awhile? yes. Relax, ride the ride knowing that three months from now the churn you feel will have settled down.

I got a few PMs. But I could still use a 'pick me up' over the phone or Skype. I tried an anonymous phone line in my area for HIV support; it didn't feel right (felt like they were reading from a manual and kept giving me the same referrals as my counselor). If anyone has a few minutes to spare over the phone, I appreciate a PM and let me know how I can get in touch, or I also have my Skype name in the signature. People here have 10x more helpful to me. I'm truly grateful for this forum.

I love being fucked on my stomach with my legs spread wide, and turning my head around and kissing the top as he drills my hole.

this was my favorite as well.

there's something about being pinned from the top.

Does anyone live in Canada? Just curious where you get them from (sale of poppers has been banned in Canada for about 2 years now, but I heard you can get them shipped online).

Hi. Thanks everyone for your clear answers.

I went to see my clinic (and therapist) and they said, based on local laws in Quebec/Canada, I don't need to disclose my status with a sex partner upfront if I'm undetectable and practicing safe sex with a condom. I didn't dare to ask on the spot, but what about bareback? I read in other threads that a poz-undetectable guy would appear to be a safer fuck than a 'neg' - even when bare-backing. Is this something everyone would confirm? And if so, does disclosure become an ethical/personal issue rather than legal?

I asked my doctor and we're discussing treatment for anxiety/depression.

I'm also seeing a therapist, as well as a social worker who helps me connect with other poz guys in Montreal (I'm not ready for support groups yet, but 1-on-1 Skype/phone support is preferred).

I'm not worrying as much about health or lifespan. It's the social/sex aspect that I'm concerned with.

I had time to settle down, and actually created a profile on barebackrt.com to check things out (as someone told me it was a poz-friendly hookup site). It looks like mostly older men are into me. I haven't found a single gay guy around my age (20s). It's nothing like Grindr. This is making me feel very insecure about how things are going to be for my sex life. If anyone in their 20s can give me advice on their own experience (how their sex life was before and after being poz), I would love to hear your comments.

poptronic:

I've come to the point where I no longer worry about my health or lifespan; I know I will be fine if I just listen to my doctor.

What I can't accept yet is the thought that, for every day now, HIV might always be on my mind. With every pill I take. Every 3 months visit. Every prescription renewal. Every guy I encounter. Every sex partner (which I already realize will become difficult, unless I box myself to 'poz friendly' sites like barebackrt.com). Every time I see 'clean/ddf only', my heart sinks. It hurts even more, because I used to write misinformed statements like that before I was educated about HIV.

I'm incredibly hurt that being 'poz' is somehow part of me. I'm sure most people get past it. I know it doesn't define me, but it certainly will dictate a lot of my social/sex life now. I keep saying to myself "I'm infected". Will this thought ever go away? Does it get easier, or does it always stay there in the back of your mind? Do you ever feel completely 'normal' at gay bars, or talking with guys online?

Lately, I can't spend an hour at work, on my commute, or at home without thinking about HIV. It used to drive me crazy. I've learned to channel this worry into my work and trying to stay focused on daily tasks. But I still have these momentary breakdowns, once in a while, where I have no shoulder to cry on. What makes it difficult that I tend to lead a loner lifestyle (most of my gay friends are online; not a close circle of friends). I wish I was surrounded by people who will accept me. Right now that's not the case. I can try a support group, but I'm just not ready to 'go' and associate with this just yet. Am I completely stupid for isolating myself?

Hi. No I couldn't see your reply while I was banned, but it's still helpful now.

By the way I posted an apology when I got reinstated earlier.

I started getting help; actually met a counselor today.

Isolation and not knowing my viral load made my hysteria much worse.

I am also planning to talk to my doctor next week about anxiety/depression symptoms.

Could you elaborate on the trippy dreams that some people are reporting with the drugs? (is this something you've read, or heard from other guys?)

Also, I don't think life expectancy is a big deal anymore with HIV, especially in 2014. So that part, I'm not worried of.

The only reason I mentioned the 'future', is that I heard some drugs take a big hit on your organs in the long run, such as liver. But it looks like the new pills developed in recent years don't have as much of an effect.