yerfukhole

Given that I've been conflicted about barebacking, I've avoided cruising for a while. To be honest, I haven't trusted myself. I tested negative about a year ago, and want to stay neg, but have pretty consistently had raw sex since my last test. I hooked up with a hot muscle bear in NY this weekend. Started off using a condom on his rock-hard cock, and then asked him to take it off and seed me. He seemed conflicted at first, but after 2.5 hours of hard core fucking, he loaded me up. Man, he dropped a big load and I was dripping (and bleeding a bit) for hours afterwards. Messed up thing is that I brought condoms with me and asked him to use them at first. But the latex just felt, well, distant, and I found myself begging - and I do mean BEGGING - for his load. I feel guilty yet m grateful that he gave me his seed. I can't wait for the next trip to NY to get more of him.

:confused:Got cum dripping down my crack as I write this. Connected with an old craigslist hookup tonight. Wasn't expected, but after a drink he offered me a ride home. We took a detour thru GG Park and I offered him a blow job in return. It's damn cold so I thought I'd get a quick load down my throat before bed. Instead, we got outta the car, found a dark spot and I got on my knees. Without thinking, I got up as soon as he was hard, dropped my jeans, and leaned against a tree. He found my unlubbed ass and fucked me hard and quick, cumming deep inside me just as I asked him not to. I forgot to ask him his status.

Well, I've been naughty and nice in recent weeks. Spent a lot of time at a bear bar outta town, and met one hell of a hot man working behind the bar. We spent a couple of days fucking like crazy -- all safe. He was the first guy in ages who was totally consistent about wanting to use condoms. I only got his load down my throat, and it tasted like spring - clean and sweet. Smart guy, him. Had an incredible time. Then, back at home... hooked up with a guy I met a few weeks ago. Really sweet boy. When we first connected around Thanksgiving, he shoved his cock inside of me as soon as he was hard, but ended up cumming down my throat (I was trying to be good). He was soon hard again, though, and he felt too good for me to turn him away. He was pumping me good when he asked where I wanted the load. "Whaddaya want?" I asked. To which he responded, "I wanna give it to you." And he dropped a massive load inside of me. So... when he came over this week, a precedent had already been set. We fucked about 8 times over a day and a half, and I had his cum dripping outta me the whole time. I'm trusting that he was honest when he says he's neg and gets tested a lot. I wish it weren't so damn risky to be a cumslut.

I've been one of those bareback bottoms who's been conflicted about the risks of raw submission. While I am compelled to take any raw cock and load demanded of me, I have not sought out poz cocks and have limited anonymous sessions since getting sick after 12 hours of cocksucking and bare sex in the backroom of Amsterdam's Dirty Dicks (and some random sauna) a few months ago. I never did see the Master who beat me in the dark, the dude who pushed me into the wall to pump my ass, the Top who shoved my own shit in my face (not my thing, by the way), the group of leathermen who took turns cumming down my throat, or the throngs who watched as I got raw fucked by a hot Spaniard at the afterparty. Since then, I've been downright chaste. Last night, though, I had dinner with an HIV+ leatherman that I played with last year. Last fall, he introduced me to watersports, unloading a belly of beer down my throat, and did his best to teach me to suck his cock - the thickest I've ever seen. As in the width of a beer can - I shit you not. He refused to fuck me, though, because he only goes bare and I was serving a Top who insisted I only place safe with other people. Now, though, I'm no longer serving the safe-only Top, and the Poz Master is back on the scene. Although my brain has been trying to save me from myself, my cock and mouth seem to feel differently. At dinner, I began to beg the Master to fuck me - to split me open with his abnormal tool. He agreed. I know the Master is poz, and has been sick. I know he only fucks raw. And I know my cock goes crazy at the thought of that massive cock cumming inside of me. I'm terrified, because I think it's only a matter of weeks until we fuck. He wants to connect before Thanksgiving, and I know - regardless of what is "right" - that I will again beg for his poz cock and load. Even if I go into this thinking I'll be safe, I will become a total pig slut and beg for him to breed me. Do I go through with it? How do I know if it's time?

There's something about submitting to a stranger, giving him all he wants, and not knowing what might come of it. If a guy is at all dominant, and has the balls to go for what he wants, I feel it's my place as a pig bottom to take it. If I'm honest with myself, I haven't used condoms with any consistency for about two years. I start off wanting to be good, but always give in. When I start with a rubber, I end up taking it off or forgetting it by the second fuck. When the other guy wants to use a condom, I see how far I can get him to go. I'll encourage just some rubbing against my hole, and then the tip, and then.... you know how it goes. And once I give in, I'm typically his. You want to hurt me? Tear me up? Choke me? Cum in me? After an initial struggle, I know my place. If you can get on the top, you can take whatever you want.

I frickin' love a raw cock up my ass and being used like a submissive hole. I get off on the *idea* of being bred and I love taking loads, but I don't want to get HIV. Anyone who says AIDS is not longer a life-threatening illness is living under a rock, in my humble opinion. Meds don't work for everyone. Even when they do, the meds and opportunistic infections can be hell to live with. We are still losing people. I have to weigh those risks & benefits with each fuck. I hate to be a downer, but life-long HIV-related challenges are real. As real as my desire to feel cum running outta my ass tonight.

I'm smart, I'm ambitious, and I have lost way too many friends to AIDS over the years to take HIV lightly. I hate HIV and AIDS, and I don't want to suffer the illness and dance with death that so many people close to me have fought. Yet I can't stop reading this and similar sites. I can't count the number of times I've gotten off to breeding stories. I've watched almost every video on barebackbastards and xtube (searching for "verbal poz breed") so I can share the charge that comes from watching and hearing a poz top take total control over his bottom. I must be totally sick and twisted. I've had guys use condoms when they fuck me since I was 13 years old - that is, until the last few years. After 20 years of condom use, I slipped while attending a conference in Seattle. I cruised a random gay cruising site and found a hot black man with a gorgeous cock who came to my hotel around 10pm. We started messing around, and he got rock hard while fucking my throat. He climbed on top of me and we resumed making out while grinding on each other. Next thing I knew, his raw cock was halfway in my front hole (I'm a very masculine, gay transman that likes to fucked too much to have lower surgery - I'm much more concerned about my Top's cock than my own). I bucked and got him out of me, insisting he use a condom. He was a nice guy and obliged. But something had exploded in my head in those moments. I had felt - for just a few seconds - what a warm, raw cock could feel like. After we started fucking - "safe" - for a few minutes, I stopped him, pulled off the condom, and said "just this once - it's okay if you pull out." We fucked like crazy for hours before he came on my chest and passed out. I woke up around 4 in the morning a changed man. As he slept, this stranger I had met only hours before, I worked his cock until it was hard enough for me to mount him - he awoke to me riding him bareback. This time, he came before he could pull out. That was my first load. I promised myself I wouldn't do that again, but that if I did, I'd limit it to my front hole since was safer than my ass. Then I had a business trip to New Orleans a month later. Again, I cruised the local gay sites and found a bearish black guy who wanted to fuck. When he first arrived, I was disappointed. He had one of the smallest cocks I've ever seen - only about 3-4 inches. I figured I'd do my best to get off, and send him away in a matter of minutes. The dude totally surprised me, though. He knew how to use what he had, and ended up being an incredible fuck. He didn't like condoms, he said, but was willing to use one if I insisted. We started fucking, and the guy was so compact and aggressive that he had me in more positions than I could count. He was tossing me around, hitting me, and telling me what a faggot and whore I was. He started fucking my front hole, then moved to my ass, and then started alternating between both holes, pounding away like crazy. The guy had stamina. After a while we took a break. We were still horny as hell, though, and started to fuck around again when I realized we had thrown away the last condom. I was so damn conflicted, but I couldn't say no. I told him he could fuck me raw as long as he didn't go into my ass and came on my chest. He fucked my mancunt like crazy and then came hard inside of me. I should have been upset, but instead passed out. When we woke up, we started fucking - following the rules of the following evening, but my ass felt way too empty after the pounding it had taken the night before. While he had me on all fours, fucking me doggystyle, I begged him to stop a second. Taking a big breath, I moved his cock to my ass and told him to fuck it raw (but "please come on my back"). I can still remember how that bare cock felt entering my ass raw for the first time. I didn't know the guy's HIV status, and didn't ask. I just knew I was taking my rightful place as his fukhole, and doing what I should to make my top happy. And man, was he happy. He worked my ass artfully, telling me the entire time that he was fucking me raw and that my ass was his. My organism came like an earthquake, and he pulled out saying he couldn't come. It was only after he left, when I felt cum dripping out of my hole, that I realized he had enjoyed our time together as much as I had. That was just the beginning. I have many more stories I could share if folks are interested - from semi-regular fuk buddies to the backrooms of Amsterdam. I'm still negative and would like to stay that way. Yet I'm in love with raw cock and taking anonymous loads. What the fuck am I doing?