Brief background on me: I'm 28, on disability for severe bipolar disorder, live with my disabled mother (she's got diabetes, diabetic neuropathy and COPD) and my best friend/adopted sister/hag (both of whom also have bipolar and a grab bag of other mental illnesses). In the last six months I've had a rough time: November I didn't get a disability check, December my landlord didn't renew my lease so I had to find a new place with less than 30 days notice, January I had to move in the rain on New Year's Day, February my mother (who I live with) set herself on fire by falling asleep smoking with oxygen on, March I didn't get a check again (paperwork is brutal and bureaucracy sucks), my mom was released from the hospital, then immediately went back in with a 103 degree fever and ended up having foot surgery, my best friend was hospitalized for mental health reasons and then in April I tested positive.
So far I'm surviving and handling things relatively well. But I need support in being poz. I've been barebacking (anonymously and with regular fuckbuds) for a long while now and it's not exactly a shock for me to test positive (I knew it was going to happen sooner or later) but it's one thing to think that it'll happen eventually and another when the nurse comes in and tells you the results were positive. I saw my primary who referred me to a specialist. I've gotten my CD4 levels (500) and viral load (7,000). I told my partners (those that I know). I'm already in therapy and my therapist is helping me deal with it. I also started taking meds (Stribild) But I'm scared. I live in terror of infecting someone. My mom currently has multiple open or open-isn wounds due to the surgery and the burns (nothing open to the air, but her foot is bandaged and her hands have blisters and such that are capable of becoming open). My sister/friend compulsively bites the edges of her nails (not the nails themselves but the beds. I know, it's weird but it's a symptom of her anxiety issues) and she can't stop herself. And I've been flirting with and am probably soon going to be dating a negative guy I met recently. (I haven't hooked up with anyone since my diagnosis and plan on being both safe and monogamous if/when he and I end up hooking up) On top of fear of infecting someone else, I'm having a lot of trouble knowing what to expect. I grew up on (and have pretty much only seen since) Rent and other portrayals of HIV/AIDS all set in the 80's and 90's when it WAS a death sentence. I know it's different now. I know with meds it's manageable. But the only portrayals/representation I have for HIV positive men are either the dying guys from movies set during the beginnings of the epidemic or the fetishized chaser/giver community online (hell, I've read A LOT of stories on this site in the giver/chaser section myself) and while that's a hot thing to read or fantasize about, it's not very helpful in figuring out what day-to-day life changes come about with this disease. When I first tested positive, I tried to do some research on the disease as a whole but frankly it was like checking symptoms on webMD. Everything negative, terrifying and awful leapt out at me and scared the crap out of me. I spent a week freaking out about if when I'd get AIDS Dementia Syndrome and lose my mental facilities. TL;DR How does being poz genuinely and tangibly affect day to day life? Where's a good place to get support without broadcasting my status all over Facebook? In general, HELP!