why is cheating so prevalent in our community?

[einathens]

i don't know if cheating is more common in the gay community than it is in the bi or straight ones.

hell, i don't even know if there is a gay community.

i guess the sociological answer is that since our relationships are not socially sanctioned, we are free of heteronormative constraints and can define our relatinoships as we see fit.

or that could be total bullshit. i really don't know.

if you're gonna sleep around, be honest about it with your partner. the choice to stay or go is theirs.

i, for one, choose to leave. daddy doesn't care for leftovers.

[calrockxxx]

I don't think cheating is really that much more common. There are plenty of monogamous couples out there. I'm not into that, so I get called a slut, whore, player... whatever. I know what I want and I go after it. If a guy says no, I move on. No need to beat around the bush.

And anyone who says sex isn't important in a long-term relationship has never been in one.

[scotty2]

Totally support open relationships and a bit of built in give to a relationship. Sexual monogamy for LIFE is a bit of a tall order. Are we realistically never, ever going to suck another dick? But I think gay men, especially in my generation, grew up with such intense messages of shame and self hate it is hard to believe that we are worthy of love and intimacy. It is hardly surprising mental health is an issue for gay men. Look at all the shit we absorbed as kids. The good news is we can start to heal it now, and hopefully the newer generations of gay men will find it much easier to commit and be intimate. I think with barebacking cheating is a big no no as it really does impact on others and taking such a health risk has to be a personal decision. And cheating takes that decision away from someone. Contracted sex outside of a relationship with boundaries is adult and respectful if within proportion and both parties are happy with it.

[youngcumdumpboi]

Then if that's the way you truly are, don't be in a relationship. Or at least let your partner know you want to play around separately. To deceive is unforgivable.

i feel no guilt i told him at the beginning i wouldn't promise to be faithful to him only he has stayed this long so its up to him if he wants to leave

[cam1972]

i feel no guilt i told him at the beginning i wouldn't promise to be faithful to him only he has stayed this long so its up to him if he wants to leave

That information changes things a bit. You told him, so he knows you do it. I'm talking about people who don't tell their partners, gay or straight, that they won't be monogamous. You told him, he made the decision to stay. Since he knows you do it, I don't categorize that as cheating.

[rawTOP]

I think the problem is monogamy, not cheating. Emotional monogamy is good, sexual monogamy almost never works long term. I think wanting monogamy is the reason why so many gay guys are single. You can be committed to someone and have sex with other people.

[GermanFucker]

If you take a sober look at it, there is a certain logic to cheating.

Men are men: They are both possesive and promiscuous - at least statistically speaking a lot more than women.

That means: If I'm in a relationship with a woman, it's likely that she is faithful. If I'm in a relationship with a man, it's likely that he wants to fuck around, too. Some have open relationships. But that only works if you're not posessive. In reality most men want to fuck around themselves but have a faithful partner. The only possible solution is cheating: You have the sex but your partner's ego remains intact - and vice versa. And you can more easily justify it knowing that your partner is a men - and all men are pigs.

Because of that the penalty for cheating is usually far steeper with heterosexual couples, especially when the tought of starting a family is involved. Gays are less likely to break up over "just sex", a few days in the dog house and that's usually it.

[LABoundanddown]

So, after having posing this question, two things have become apparent, 1; "cheating" is a grey area, and is filled with options like open relationships and certain understandings, 2; sex is sex and guys realise that. People are willing to stay single because they understand the implications of being promiscuous in a relationships, and choose to stay single. Thanks, everyone.

[pssilverbear]

One thing I've learned is that we don't have to have our relationships mirror the str8 community. I cherish that difference and find that open relationships, triads, and other types of relationships are all valid and the word cheating is not even applicable. Do what works for you.

[hungry_hole]

I think the problem is monogamy, not cheating. Emotional monogamy is good, sexual monogamy almost never works long term. I think wanting monogamy is the reason why so many gay guys are single. You can be committed to someone and have sex with other people.

I totally agree that the issue here is monogamy, a concept that doesn't make much sense to most men, unless the reason for the monogamy is because of health. Monogamy may also make sense to men-women couples and to lesbians.

I like emotional monogamy and to me it makes a lot of sense. But there's no way I could adhere to sexual monogamy because for me the best sex is by myself watching porn or with anonymous guys or in impersonal settings.

The lack of monogamy seems to be common in same-sex male relationships but the reason has nothing to do with "being gay". The reason is that in all-male sex all the participants are men, and men feel free to engage and enjoy anonymous/impersoinal sex. The so-called "straight men" are constrained by women's rules and are forced to believe that sex and love must go together.

[NYCBlack34]

I am on the fence with this topic. On one hand, it is unrealistic to think that you will NEVER touch another man again for the rest of your life if you are in a relationship. Just address your natural biological needs at the very start.

On the other hand, there is nothing wrong with being single! Why does somebody need to be in a relationship if it cramps their style? The problem with trying to have it all is that you end up having nothing. I cannot express this strongly enough: A life partner and a roommate that you occasionally sleep with are 2 different things. Many gay men in relationships have the latter and try to pass it off as the former. It's like somehow many gay guys don't have best friends anymore and their boyfriends become their only close friend

And I do have to throw in a bitchy comment on the sly, so I apologize in advance. Open relationships tend to be situational and not philosophical! Many guys who are in open relationships would be fine with monogamy if the man that they REALLY wanted came along! It is no fun to be a placeholder while your man auditions other men for the role of boyfriend. But if a guy ONLY wants open relationships in general, now we're cooking with gas! Those guys are being true to themselves in relationships, rather than giving half a loaf to a guy that "will do for now".

Yes, this was a long post but the whole monogamy/open relationship thing is a favorite topic among my friends and I.

[thick]

men cheat. Period. They are programmed genetically to plant seed and inseminate as many mates as possible. sorry but we gays dont have a corner on the market for cheating. Straight men fuck around as much as we do.......save the fact that if they get caught and theyre married, the consequences are worse monetarily.

My brother who is straight as a pin, and has a big ole hog dik. has cheated for years. His escapades make me blush. So baby, men will be men. You want some kind of fantasy of a monogamous relationship, then pop some corn, pop in pretty woman and relax.

[NYCBlack34]

Damn, that is pretty miserable! Lots of men (gay and straight) cheat but not all men. There is nothing that all men do, other than breathing, eating and sleeping. We are more interesting than that You have to realize that not everybody has the same libido and some people have way less sex drive than others.

[bbzh]

You have to do what works for you. I am dating a guy now and we have already fallen for each other. We have a don't ask don't tell policy in place. I'm not possessive and I am not willing to waste my time worrying about what he is doing with his dick. As long as he is fucking me good, I don't care. But what's good for the goose is good for the gander, so if I feel like it, I will go out and get fucked. Period. I looked him dead in the eye and told him "you have to decide for yourself if you are going to be monogamous. I can't decide that for you."

When he attempted to reassure me that he would play safe with others, I said (knowing full well that a word was never said about condoms when he started fucking me years ago), "Honey, let's not play games. If you catch something, just be decent enough to tell me so I can get treated."

It wasn't long after that that he told me he was falling in love. A man is gonna be a man. If monogamy is your thing, I hope you find it or it finds you. If it ain't, it doesn't make you any less of a person or your relationships any less valid.

I would rather have a deep bond with someone who is more interested in loving me for who I am - flaws and all- than having someone who thinks they are gonna control me. And if my man feels the same way, then we will transcend any and all labels and judgments that others may have.

[NYCBlack34]

Wow! You go, bbzh!