Confession..Advice...Comments...

[shavednydude]

Reading all the adventures on the site, I guess many of you might think of me as...well...pathetic?, but inside I'm just a guy..wanting to me be loved.

See, I grew up sheltered...smothered, as some can call it- and, at times I have to agree with you. I grew up with my Mom & Dad, and my Mom was kind of my friend. My Dad...he was there, but I didn't really know him that well. What friends I had were ok. I had some TRUE friends, since I was that fat kid in High School that people ignored, so I compromised with humor. I've compromised ever since, I think. I'm 47 now, and never went out to clubs, partied or have done what others on here have- though I envy all of you for sharing things with us, and wish I had now.

Fast forward a little..I got married..divorced (I know, sounds familiar to some)..have 3 kids. After coming out late, getting divorced, and 2 failed partnerships later..here I am. In my heart I know all I want is to be loved, like ANY man does, but I don't think that's to be.

Well, I found this site, out of fantasies of men just have the most natural sex together there could be. The bonding, FEELING another man wanting you and giving ALL of youself to him. Through it all I found friends- the best have been online, which I have been in sontact with for years now. My kids? Well, I moved from where they live to another state (for my 2nd ex...that didn't work out), and it seems they don't have the time to even contact 'ole Dad' anymore.

One of the friends I've have for a long time I've only met a couple of times. He's been SO wonderful to me- being there for me through the breakups, the REALLY low times, and everything in between. Why am I writing this on here? Because he's positive....his partner is also, though they live apart and have an open relaitionship. Him & I have played together before, but he's never cum inside me.

Then there's the fantasies...

Reading all the adventures of men becoming poz on here has been SUCH a turn on for me, and now I'm going to see him soon- my vacation. The one thing I must tell you about him is through ALL the years we've talked, we've shared everything- every fantasy, experience, problem together. This is most important, though...him & I have never judged each other. Really...NEVER. He is a special person in my life, and will always be so.

When I see him again I'm thinking of giving myself totally to him. Part of me wants SO much to feel him shoot SO deep inside me, and just let it become part of me. I know the risks..and FUCK! I wish I came out SOOO many years ago! I envy you guys who let yourself go- party it up and just fuck.

Maybe some could call me old (I wish you wouldn't), or some 'pussy', but I DO worry about converting (even though he's on meds, and has been for years..with a really low viral load). I know beoming poz would mean SOME freedom, but I'm mainly a bottom (sometimes I top), and I don't know if I could knowingly do that to another guy. Is it a fantasy of mine? YES..fuck YES it is. Do I want him to breed me, just take my hole? YES!! Am I sick for thinking this, and fantasing about it so much? I'm conflicted, and he knows that.

I admire how each of you who have posted your experiences can just let yourselves go and feel free- no guilt, just to FEEL how things are at the moment, and go with it.

Anyway...that's me. I would like to get your input and feedback guys.

Thank you...

[BrotherDeposit]

Shaved, I don't think you are pathetic. We all have our own paths. You would be surprised at how many men are just like you, yearning to be loved, trying to fight the loneliness; trying to process your choices. I would think twice about having this Poz dude share his gift with you. Yes, this site is erotic and kinky, but I sense you are overwhelmed with things right now and it is best NOT to make these type of decisions WITHOUT things through the risks. It's kinda like when a person dies; many say it is NOT a good thing to make major decisions for at least 2 years after the person is gone. Personally, I think you are brave to post what you have!

[shavednydude]

Thank you Brother!! The trouble is I've been conflicted about this for a long time- wanting SO much to feel him cum inside me, and just letting go. Then wondering how I would deal with it IF I converted. He is a wonderful friend, and has also told me he feels the same way about being the one to convert me. I don't know how you guys do it...just letting go, letting what's inside you out, and just being you.

I know some might think this wishy washy, but I don't want to die regretting not having done what I COULD have felt & experienced. Could this kill me? Really, I don't know- that's what scares me. Also, I know when I look into his eyes I DO love him- more than a friend, and I've told him that. He loves me also, but we agreed the one thing that we can't give each other is our hearts. Honestly, being through 2 breakups of people I've deeply loved over the years... sometimes I don't know if love actually exists anymore.

Mind you, this isn't something that's been pressured onto me- it's all ME...the wondering, worry, etc.

Thank you for being so honest with me, it means SO much to me!!

[BrotherDeposit]

Shaved, like I said. Think about this. Many times, people react and make decisions based on loneliness and what could've have been. Don't cave dude. Right now, you don't sound like you have a lot of supportive friends that would be there to help you through it (converting etc.) With you being as confused as you are right now, do you want to add THIS to it?

[NiceHard1]

I often suggest that guys really think it through before they do something life-changing, but I think you have done that quite extensively. You have though about the effects on yourself, your children, and even future potential partners.

I think that many of us actually long for what you have with this person. I do have a bit of casual sex, but enjoy the sex that is more connected. I also think that your belief that most people here are about the pleasure of the moment without regard of others may not be always correct. In some cases, I have talked with guys and gotten to know them for weeks or months before fucking. That is what this site is all about - for people to hear about others' experiences and explore what works for themselves.

It sounds like you're a little worried about converting, but might also be OK with it if it were to happen. If he is undetectable there is a tiny chance, but probably unlikely that you will become poz. And if you did become poz, I picutre you being responsible to yourself and others, and would manage it well, taking meds if necessary, which would then reduce the likelyhood of you passing HIV to another.

My suggestion - Talk it through with your partner, and then follow your heart.

[shavednydude]

Thank you for that, and for being so honest with me!

Honestly, I don't know how I would be if I got 'IT', and it's something that he's thought about also. See. the difference between him & I is he's in a open relationship with a poz guy. He also loves sex- going to sex parties, etc..so he's doing what I only fantasize about, or wish I COULD be. I know I'm mainly a bottom, and if I did convert I don't have any friends locally (though I've tried..over & over again, to make some) who could be there for me, so I'd be on my own- like I have been for years now....and hate it really.

Why do I want to be positive? Really...I don't know. It seems the more I hear about it the more I get the feeling it's mainly guys who throw caution to the wind, or others who want to pass it on- I don't think I'm either of those. To be held, kissed, melting into a man's arms & body, looking him in the eyes and losing myself, then giving all of me to him....it's a wish, I guess.

[shavednydude]

My friend loves sex parties, so I know that about him, and hearing about his times ARE exciting. Afterwards I envy him- for living for the now, and not holding back. That's what makes him so special to me- he understands how I feel, is there to listen, and doesn't pressure me. A good thing, but also I'm left with my stupid conscience mulling shit over & over.

What close friends I do have are ones I've talked with online. When I moved here I tried making friends, but they never turned out to be who they claimed, so I have none 'in person', just online. If I converted, it would me just me to deal with it. As for my kids..well, I never hear from them, so it's just me.

[BrotherDeposit]

Shaved, I hear what you are saying. From time to time, I too have had online support and it has meant a lot BUT reality strikes and you realize that it's YOU, and only you, for support. Have you ever thought of a local gay support group? Not one that is related to HIV but to just gay men in general. I think that pursuing something like this, might be a good first step, for you to sort out your feelings. It's just a thought.

[BrotherDeposit]

P.S. Don't compare yourself to others. The grass is NOT always greener over the fence.

[shavednydude]

thanks!!

[shavednydude]

Thanks for the idea!

I have thought about a support group, and have looked into them. The trouble is the nearest ones are about 2 hours from me, which wouldn't be SO bad, but since they meet once a week for an hour or so- a 4 hr drive IS a haul. I've also been looking to relocate to a totally different area, but there haven't been too many prospects out there.

[ked239]

a new step sexually is always a big deal, I remember the first time I took a poz load knowingly, getting the train to his place was absolutely terrifying and i almost got out and turned back at every stop before his, but he was a really nice guy, we had a lot of fun (I possibly drank a little too much to ease the nerves lol) and we've met up a couple times since then.

My next "big deal" is taking a detectable load knowingly, I've had the opportunities and wimped out of it before, however on Friday will meet a guy (hopefully) and that'll be my first detectable load.

Sexual stuff, and I guess life in general, is about taking as many little steps as possible, to avoid the uncomfortable, lurching big steps. There is a world of difference between something being a fantasy that'll stay a fantasy and a fantasy you want to do, whether taking poz cum is a fantasy you want to do is something only you can answer, but if it is something you want to do, go for it with your mate, he's perfect for it as it would probably be a much less scary step than with a random guy

[BrotherDeposit]

Thanks for the idea!

I have thought about a support group, and have looked into them. The trouble is the nearest ones are about 2 hours from me, which wouldn't be SO bad, but since they meet once a week for an hour or so- a 4 hr drive IS a haul. I've also been looking to relocate to a totally different area, but there haven't been too many prospects out there.

Here's a thought >> start your own group! This is a support grp. (And make sure it stays that way.) You know that phrase from Field Of Dreams >> "If you build it, they will come." What do you have to lose?

[shavednydude]

You're right- about being scare of taking leaps, and wanting to take the smaller steps. Thank you for telling me about your first time. How did you get comfortable with it afterwards...what made it easier for you?

[shavednydude]

Thanks, that's really a good idea!!

Here's a thought >> start your own group! This is a support grp. (And make sure it stays that way.) You know that phrase from Field Of Dreams >> "If you build it, they will come." What do you have to lose?