Confession..Advice...Comments...

[FatFuckPigMA]

If you are doing this for love and if there was a potential for you and your friend to be true patterns, I would advise going for it. But it doesn't sound to me that you want to get poz nor that you're prepared to deal with it. I also think the guilt of converting you could quite possibly end or at least harm the friendship.

If you are doing this for sexual freedom and thrill, just go to a bathhouse or bookstore and fucking enjoy yourself (I think we sometimes forget sex is supposedmto be fun) but be prepared for the consequences. Not only might it adversely effect your health, it will change how you live your life. Only time and your own perspective can determine if it is for the better.

[ked239]

Well, after that first time, I did go a while before taking my next knowingly poz load, the big thing that relaxed me about the whole thing was when I got a negative result 3 months after, also researching what a positive result would mean for me, chatting to positive guys about their experiences of it.

that would be my other big bit of advice - you can never have too much information, the more you know about what it's like to live with hiv, the more clearly you can decide whether the better sex is worth it, I came down on the "yes, it's worth it" side of the fence, but I'm sure other people given the same information would decide to carry on playing it safe.

The worst position to be in, in my opinion, is those people who bareback only when drunk or on chems or are in self-denial thinking they can make sure they only bareback with negative guys, cos they will probably end up positive eventually and wouldn't have emotionally or intellectually prepared themselves for that positive result.

[shavednydude]

I totally understand. Drugs & alcohol makes sex 'different', but you need to made a hard decision when it comes to whether to play with positive men or not. I was wondering, do you have a prtner or bf, and are the positive also?

Well, after that first time, I did go a while before taking my next knowingly poz load, the big thing that relaxed me about the whole thing was when I got a negative result 3 months after, also researching what a positive result would mean for me, chatting to positive guys about their experiences of it.

that would be my other big bit of advice - you can never have too much information, the more you know about what it's like to live with hiv, the more clearly you can decide whether the better sex is worth it, I came down on the "yes, it's worth it" side of the fence, but I'm sure other people given the same information would decide to carry on playing it safe.

The worst position to be in, in my opinion, is those people who bareback only when drunk or on chems or are in self-denial thinking they can make sure they only bareback with negative guys, cos they will probably end up positive eventually and wouldn't have emotionally or intellectually prepared themselves for that positive result.

[ked239]

well, i'm currently still negative (how long that will last is anyone's guess lol), currently single, i have had bfs in the past, they've always been negative as well, although i think that's more coincidence than anything else or possibly because most of the poz guys i've met are only interested in my arse

[thomas12]

Wow, this was an amazing thread to find. SHAVED, you're not alone by a long shot in this turmoil. I hate how little BBers communicate with one another (save this site), but just the other day me and another guy got in to a debate about whether it was worth it. I've been thinking about it for a while. Honestly man, and this is just my opinion, you won't know. There's no way in hell you'll know if it was worth it. Can you live with yourself and this "mistake" later on down the road? There are plenty of positive guys who yearn for love. A few have told me that being poz has changed their life because now they are actually in shape (and I mean buff shape), eat healthy, healthy sex lives and even love lives. It's a risk man. A gamble. Do we measure a man's worth by how long he lived? I get sad when I see the really old couples just sitting there at Denny's impatiently waiting for Death to pick them up. I never wanna be that way. If I get to be that old, then great but I'm gonna be one bad ass old person. What saddens me about possibly getting HIV for living the lifestyle I want is that I know I won't be able to share it with my friends and family. I could be wrong on that, but I just know they're not gonna understand consciously making a decision to put myself at risk to have "devil sex." For you, what if this guy doesn't stay in your life? I don't think HIV is a death sentence. Having a soulless life is. People may think I'm crazy for saying that. Make peace with your decision and the fact that you may be wrong, understand how it may affect health insurance, etc. etc. and if you still want to do it, then take that tunnel and find out where it takes you. Only God knows, and he doesn't like to give out spoilers man. Really hope you keep us update.

[shavednydude]

I will tell you that my friend (who's positive) tells me the same things. After he became positive he started living his life. He travels all over, and just DOES what he wants to now. He's been poz for well over 10 years (on meds also), and loves sex, living and life. Could I be like that? No...him & I are different, but he knows that's something about him I love & admire. I'm too much the 'responsible guy', wallflower..whatever you want to call it (I descibe myself as a mainspring wound TOO tight). You know something...I get REALLY tired of being that way. To just LET G O- fuck everything, and just go with a feeling for ONCE. I WANT to be free- fuck everything!! You know the kind of guys I mean- they just DO. Ok, maybe some don't think at ALL, but I admire those men who LIVE. A lot of times I feel like I'm bound by some moral something or other. I know becoming poz changes a man for life- the meds, diet, everything is monitored..then there's the wonderful costs along with it. Could I handle that? You know..probably not, but I also don't want to be some guy in Denny's 3-4 years from now (I'm 47 now) sitting there alone, seeing young guys going by and admiring them for their confidence...and regretting MY life.

Wow, this was an amazing thread to find. SHAVED, you're not alone by a long shot in this turmoil. I hate how little BBers communicate with one another (save this site), but just the other day me and another guy got in to a debate about whether it was worth it. I've been thinking about it for a while. Honestly man, and this is just my opinion, you won't know. There's no way in hell you'll know if it was worth it. Can you live with yourself and this "mistake" later on down the road? There are plenty of positive guys who yearn for love. A few have told me that being poz has changed their life because now they are actually in shape (and I mean buff shape), eat healthy, healthy sex lives and even love lives. It's a risk man. A gamble. Do we measure a man's worth by how long he lived? I get sad when I see the really old couples just sitting there at Denny's impatiently waiting for Death to pick them up. I never wanna be that way. If I get to be that old, then great but I'm gonna be one bad ass old person. What saddens me about possibly getting HIV for living the lifestyle I want is that I know I won't be able to share it with my friends and family. I could be wrong on that, but I just know they're not gonna understand consciously making a decision to put myself at risk to have "devil sex." For you, what if this guy doesn't stay in your life? I don't think HIV is a death sentence. Having a soulless life is. People may think I'm crazy for saying that. Make peace with your decision and the fact that you may be wrong, understand how it may affect health insurance, etc. etc. and if you still want to do it, then take that tunnel and find out where it takes you. Only God knows, and he doesn't like to give out spoilers man. Really hope you keep us update.

[ked239]

It's a tricky balance, there's living your life and destroying your life, I often wonder whether I'm sometimes going too far too fast, I'm only 23 after all, and I recognise that compared to other gay guys my age, I tend to leave them way behind sexually, not all, some are worse than me, but not many lol. It certainly is refreshing how honest and candid people are on this site, especially you guys who admit to being unsure about it all, as I feel if I had been in your position, I may unnecessarily feel the need to put forward a front. At the same time, I'm very proud of the sexual experiences I've had, I talk honestly about it with my mates (although I do tend to omit the bb part - don't really want to encourage unnecessarily criticism after all) and most are actually jealous that I am confident enough to sleep with who I want, when I want and bugger the consequences. I enjoy my life, I love my life. When that inevitable positive result comes back, I honestly cannot say how I will react to it, but I know that 20/30 years down the line, I can look at my teenage years and 20s and say, yes, I lived then, I did what I want, when I want.

We only get one life, you may as well live it to the maximum. I remember a friend of mine quoting Hunter S. Thompson "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaminign "Wow! What a ride!"" and frankly, I couldn't agree with that more

[thomas12]

Ked - my heart still goes out to you man, cause there are many others out there like you. I agree there's a difference between living your life and destroying it. But that's up to you. 99.9999% of the world would say barebackers are destroying it. But not all of us want a monogamous relationship for the rest of our lives nor certain limitations that to us seem unnatural. It's made me feel isolated even amongst gay friends, so I keep it all to myself and learn to live with it.

Like you, I don't know where the future will take me. Im a total top and I'm also picky about who I fuck. I will fuck a poz bottom if the attraction is overwhelming, but I also assume ALL bottoms are poz. I realize HIV ain't as much as a death sentence, but it's still a taboo. I am neg, but I still plan on getting the biohazard tattoo out of respect to my brothers that I can identify with.

As for the idea of a support group, there's more of a demand than you know. It doesn't need to be a vagina-fest. But there are emotional issues. Just like gay kids being rejected and turning in to prostitution (rare, but most of them, in a study I read years ago living in NY came from rejected parents), or running in to dangerous encounters cause they don't have anywhere to go, a support group could help someone become more confident and proud of their decision - whatever it is. For some, it definitely isn't for them. Others it is but they don't have a brotherhood to back them up.

[shavednydude]

Thanks for the fantastic message!

I know I want to have that 'special man' in my life. I also know (from past experience, and from hearing from other gay men) that notion usually doesn't last a long time. Eventually 1 or both want to play with others. Sometimes it can be REALLY fun when both guys in the relationship bring someone else in to play, but when one of them tells the other they need something more it can be like the floor dropped out from under you.

I've been struggling with the idea of 'just going natural' for a while now. Feeling that way around your friends must really suck- not being able to be AS open with them as you'd like to, and just 'glossing' over the subject.

I know HIV isn't the death sentence it used to be, but I also know there's a cost with it- the cost of meds (and IF your insurance will cover them), possibly getting worse if you don't take meds, having your life 'monitored' (weight, diet, etc), and possibly getting rejected by potential parters. I've met some really nice guys who were positive- attractive, but also INside they were nice guys. One told me in a tone where he thought I'd turn him down that 'I have to tell you......I'm positive.' I just kept looking into his eyes. 'I guess that means things are off now', he said. I just said 'why? It IS something we can work around, you know?' He was SO relieved, but if OUR group, the gay community, KNOWS this (about people being 'set aside' because they're positive), whay are they DOING it to others? The older I get, the less patient I get with all the hypocracy I see and hear around me.

My friend also has told me he assumes if a bottom wants him to fuck them he assumes they're positive. When I asked him why, he said because if they weren't they would ask his status, or insist on a condom. I can see both sides of that.

You know, I love the fact that you want to get a bio tat, and the reason you do. Also remember, it IS an advertisement, so some guys might keep away once they see it. Others could be attracted to it because they know what it stands for.

Thanks for the idea on a support group, and I wouldn't be in one that was soley a tuna fest of sorts. Of course finding one with men who can be open about things, AND supportive of others can be hard to find.

Ked - my heart still goes out to you man, cause there are many others out there like you. I agree there's a difference between living your life and destroying it. But that's up to you. 99.9999% of the world would say barebackers are destroying it. But not all of us want a monogamous relationship for the rest of our lives nor certain limitations that to us seem unnatural. It's made me feel isolated even amongst gay friends, so I keep it all to myself and learn to live with it.

Like you, I don't know where the future will take me. Im a total top and I'm also picky about who I fuck. I will fuck a poz bottom if the attraction is overwhelming, but I also assume ALL bottoms are poz. I realize HIV ain't as much as a death sentence, but it's still a taboo. I am neg, but I still plan on getting the biohazard tattoo out of respect to my brothers that I can identify with.

As for the idea of a support group, there's more of a demand than you know. It doesn't need to be a vagina-fest. But there are emotional issues. Just like gay kids being rejected and turning in to prostitution (rare, but most of them, in a study I read years ago living in NY came from rejected parents), or running in to dangerous encounters cause they don't have anywhere to go, a support group could help someone become more confident and proud of their decision - whatever it is. For some, it definitely isn't for them. Others it is but they don't have a brotherhood to back them up.

[ked239]

It's true that I can't be as honest with my friends as I'd like to be, glossing over some details, but that doesn't necessarily mean you can't talk about it to anyone. I've just got home from an all night session with a poz couple in an open relationship. I gotta say, seeing the connection they have, but also their recognition that sex is only a part of a relationship and that sex with a friend or a stranger is very different to sex with a partner was terribly refreshing and filled me with a lot of confidence, realising that there are plenty of people out there with the same attitudes as me.

As it was an all nighter, there was obviously down time and we got to chatting a lot during those breaks, and we talked about different sexual meets, some recent, some distant memories and that is worth remembering, a good meet (when it's not just a fuck and go) includes a bit of a chat, bout the usual stuff and about sexual stuff as well, at least that's my opinion, I enjoy those meets a lot more than meets that are solely focused on sex for the entire 12 hours or something.

[ked239]

Also, I guess I also have the fortune of living in a country where I don't need to be concerned about medical insurance, I know the state will pay for my treatment when it becomes necessary. It's definitely the right attitude to assume everyone's positive, I tend to ask, partly because I find taking poz cum hot - it's a win win situation, if he's neg, I can say so am I, let's bareback and if he's poz, I can say I'm neg but totally fine with taking poz loads, let's bareback hehe

[Scottop]

It's a tricky balance, there's living your life and destroying your life, I often wonder whether I'm sometimes going too far too fast, I'm only 23 after all, and I recognise that compared to other gay guys my age, I tend to leave them way behind sexually, not all, some are worse than me, but not many lol. It certainly is refreshing how honest and candid people are on this site, especially you guys who admit to being unsure about it all, as I feel if I had been in your position, I may unnecessarily feel the need to put forward a front. At the same time, I'm very proud of the sexual experiences I've had, I talk honestly about it with my mates (although I do tend to omit the bb part - don't really want to encourage unnecessarily criticism after all) and most are actually jealous that I am confident enough to sleep with who I want, when I want and bugger the consequences. I enjoy my life, I love my life. When that inevitable positive result comes back, I honestly cannot say how I will react to it, but I know that 20/30 years down the line, I can look at my teenage years and 20s and say, yes, I lived then, I did what I want, when I want.

We only get one life, you may as well live it to the maximum. I remember a friend of mine quoting Hunter S. Thompson "Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but rather to skid in broadside in a cloud of smoke, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and loudly proclaminign "Wow! What a ride!"" and frankly, I couldn't agree with that more

Great attitude young man. Fuck and enjoy.