little help, little advice...

[glassesboi]

this ended up being a lot longer than i thought, sorry.

i feel overwhelmingly conflicted at the moment.

was in a relationship for about 9 months with someone who i never used protection with--due to his job and having to move and live across the country permanently, we didn't want to do the long distance thing and ended our relationship about two and a half months ago. before this guy, i always used condoms, in fact, he was the first man i ever let fuck me without using a condom. first guy to ever breed me and since then i just can't use condoms anymore, they're an absolute turn off for me.

i take very good care of myself and have always been pretty good in the "safe sex" department, but the skin-to-skin sensation and feeling of having a few loads inside me has sparked something in me that i've had a lot of trouble ignoring. so, get this; i've pretty much been celibate for about 2 months now. the last time i had sex with a guy (bisexual here), I used a condom and he was really into me, but the rubber just killed it completely for me. i got off, too, but it was nowhere near the level my previous raw fucks were in. it almost felt as if it was below masturbation, i could've just gotten off with my right hand. like the disappointment you have when you know you're on a severe budget, but decide to still look around.

so, since then, i haven't had sex because if i do i know i'll do it bare and there are too many risks if i were to take that route.

not only that, but exposing myself to places like BBRT and breedingzone... The things I've read and learned, they've only really fucked hard with my curiosity and i've enjoyed every unwelcoming thought. I'm usually browsing both of these websites with a raging hard-on, daring myself to click here and there, see what else there is and wonder if I could put myself in the many situations I've read in a lot of these threads. Cum to some of the stories and pictures only to judge myself and ask what made me so fucked up after I've blown my load all over my stomach.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want to keep having unprotected sex. I have these wild fantasies about gangbangs, being blindfolded and grabbed and just take advantage of completely and complying to everything I'm told to do without hesitation. As amazing as my sex life was with my partner, in a way I still felt like I wasn't doing everything I wanted because I wasn't comfortable showing him that side of me.

i want to be a total pig at times, it kinda freaks me out.

and now to what i'm trying to deal with...

met a guy on BBRT about three weeks ago, he's undetectable, physically the most attractive man i think i've ever had the pleasure of meeting. his brain equally beautiful. i'm pretty honest with him about my feelings, kinda the way i've posted in this thread. we've pretty much kissed, talked and gone on few dates together. got kinda tipsy once, we fooled around and the guy is huge.

the rush i get when i'm naked with him is indescribable.

i want it so bad and i'm pretty sure he's aware, i just don't know if i'm ready to take that step. i sometimes want to yell how badly i want his load, but what if it took? i'm not at a stage in my life where i could handle that mentally. i'm not a bug chaser, but the thought of having this beautiful, undetectable man breed and fuck me for hours is the reason i jack off 4 - 7 times a day.

it's a crazy rush, i guess. i want it, but then i don't. i don't think it's fair to put him in that position, but he really does love my company and even though our schedules are conflicting now, we see each other once a week. we see each other this sunday, and i've i feel more open and comfortable with the thought of having him inside me bare. last night i told him i wanted him in me bare, we both blew our loads while on the phone. i didn't say it because it was in-the-moment.

i know i don't post much and the few times that i do it's always pretty long... seems like a lot of random thoughts now that i've re-read this, but what's your guys' take?

[smartstud2010]

hear hear on the courage in your post. it seems like you're aware enough to know all the angles and risks of your situation, so i'd say do what your gut--not the one you want to fill with cum--says.

that's my thought, anyway. although i totally get the rush of raw sex, especially with an undetectable guy. the saying 'fuck without fear' is apt enough, since we've been programmed well enough to think that 'safe sex' --as much as a life-saving setup as it is--is the best way, the only way.

i'd say find a guy who you can fuck raw without any consequences--that would be ideal, in my world. and it sounds like it would be in yours as well, since you're not in a mental or financial place to deal with living with HIV.

it's hard enough to find a guy who you connect with anyway, so i hate having to say that, since it sounds like you and this other guy you've found have a great connection.

just my two cents.

[Bttm2go]

I guess he will end up in you bare. I remember having the same feelings you have now about opening yourself up to bare fucking and taking loads. Then taking poz loads. Many guys will say an undetectable guy is generally safe. However, it's not true that there is no risk. There is just less risk.

You need to have a good talk with him about where you are at. You need to make sure what you have is more than just sex. Does he understand what you are feeling? Is he willing to help you through this? What are his feelings for you? You have most likely already thought about all of this. You need to have a conversation with yourself too. I decided the risk of raw sex is worth the pleasure I receive from it. Only you can decide if you are ready to take poz loads.

Take some time to think it through. Once you are poz, there is no turning back. This guy knows what it's like to be poz, talk to him to see what issues--good and bad he has faced. Good luck.

[smartstud2010]

another piece of advice that works well--after you cum, and the rush of horniness is gone, what are you feeling, thinking? are you glad you didn't do what you were fantasizing about? or do you--not just a part of you--all of you--still want to do what you fantasized about doing?

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Since you're going to have bare sex, of your choices, "purportedly neg", "undet", "high vl poz" - you're most likely safer with the undetectible guy. If he has been undet for a long time, it is unlikely he is going to convert you.

The "purportedly neg" guys; unless they really do test regularly, don't really knonw.

From my POV, if this undet guy you're interested in is limiting his play to you - then go for it. If on the other hand he spends a good deal of time with other men, you might want to reconsider.

[Bear4Breeding]

You should talk to other guys who are poz and have been for at least a few years, 3 or 4 I'd say. Ask them how they dealt with it, how it has changed their lives and all that kind of stuff. Not just the "piggie" guys but other guys too, ones that are Poz but aren't like most of us on this site, not that there is anything wrong with any of us but I just mean the guys that are poz but play safe and don't collect cum in their holes on a regular basis like we do here .

You are young yet, to me 25 is young, child even. But You have your reservations about it and are still unsure if that is what you want to do. And you have read some of the stories and everything, granted not all are true but some are and there are guys out there that will tell you one thing and do something completly different. So with that said and sorry to be a downer, but I don't want this young guy to do something he'll regret later.

You need to be 10000% sure this is what you want because once you have it, there is no going back from it. The meds are expensive even with insurnace, the stuff I take is over 2g a fill and thats just a month, with my insurance I still pay 75.00 a month for it. Think long and hard about it and if this guy is as decent as you described him, am sure he'll understand if you aren't totaly ready yet.

Sorry i went on and on and I am not as sesinct (spelling) as some thats why I don't write stories true or otherwise. Good Luck to you glassesboi!

[Guest bbosouno]

I found this post and must answer because I've been poz for about 7 years now - in fact I was diagnosed with full blown AIDS, was in the hospital for 3weeks due a type of Pneumonia called Pneumocystis pneumonia which is when you immune system is so destroyed infections take over. Luckily I'm a fighter, responded great to meds but otherwise I was a dead man. Now I have an undetectable viral load BUT my immune system has never been able to go back to any kind of "normal" (CD4 hovers around 250). Luckily I I also don't "look like an AIDS patient stereotype at all" of the past. I also work full time, basically have a semi-normal life.

Long story short - while HIV is medically "manageable" it somes at a great loss which is 1) Emotional 2) Financial. Emotional in that your life drastically changes forever you have disease that is still considered to be a "junkie's and/or fags's disease" by the public. Even other gay men are some of the biggest discriminators I've encountered - you are viewed as "one of those" and "dirty" and you they make you feel it too (i.e notice sex/persoanl ads that say you have to be "clean") Dating or finding sex partners becomes a challenge. You will know who your real friends are, most will never talk to you again - the same for family.

The thing is you feel different from everyone else. Work-wise in my job no one knows and no one will ever know - my job is in an office, cubicle land - no danger to self or others LOL. But I HATE that feeling if anyone undesirable finds out, they'll ruin my life - it kind of stays in the back of your mind. Financially the meds without insurance are over $2000 (!!!) A MONTH FOR A 30 DAY SUPPLY. Finding insurance that will cover you will cost a shit load of money, remember you have a preexisting condition now. Obamacare, WhateverCare...insurance companies will make you pay huge $$$$ in either deductibles, copays or provide very minimal services and poor access to care no matter what the Affordable Health Care Act says or "affordable premiums have to be" - Remember insurance companies are there to make money.

Bottom line, think about profoundly, You sound like you are infatuated with this man and infatuations sometimes are short lived, HIV is forever.

Edited January 31, 2013 by bbosouno

[vrsbbltn]

I think almost all of us go/went through all of those insecurities, it took me years to accept my addiction to bb sex and embrace the consequences.

Many believe that the key to be HIV/STDs free forever is to always be monogamous, into stable relationships. But there are some facts that we can't ignore. Gays are the most affected by HIV/STDs. We, men, are naturally horny, adventurous, so anytime, no matter ourselves or our bfs, will seek for some sex from random men from time to time, and since we are also curious, nature call us, most probably it will be bb sex. So, chances of getting infected, even if into a monogamous relationship are still high enough as to worry live-long to become ill. That's one of the reasons that made me take the decision of enjoying sex and take whatever comes with it.

But it also depends on so many things. I am a lonely person, don't care about what the very few friends/family I have think, I'm not brainwashed by religion, I am naturally extremely healthy I can count the times I've been to a doctor's office in a lifetime so it has led me to not be hugely scared. I also think that we can die in a second from so many things, an explosion, a bullet, a slip in the stairs, a car accident. So why being so scared life-long and not enjoy the most I can.

Again, it all depends on how you were raised, what your convictions are, your view of life, how much of a social person you are, if you are healthy or if a common cold sends you to ER, etc. But above all this, I think what will mostly make you take a decision is how much you like bb sex, some people's addiction is extreme, while others can use rubbers all of their lives, if I were one of those, I'd call condom manufacturing companies and ask for rebates, damn, how many condoms would someone who fucks on average 2 times per day for a period of 50 years spend on condoms? a few thousands I guess.

[TigerMilner]

First you should not apologize for putting some real content in your post. It is real, genuine, and is actually what forums like this one are designed for . It makes it work. Second, I know exactly the feelings you are having as far as your questions, your desires, and your reaction of periods of celibacy. I have had all those same feelings and I too have, rather than resort to condom sex, gone without for long periods until I would give in to my needs and binge out sexually. I used to think I wanted the romance and commitment of a relationship with the perfect partner, but I am like you in that i need to be a whore from time to time. I need to experience and service many men. If I could find that one perfect man for me he would have to also enjoy whoring me out, and he needs to be good at it. I'm not sure i was meant for just one man. Not sure if any of us were. So, don't sweat that one, you are a bottom, a cum hungry slut, and that is a very good thing. There are lots of men who are tops who need us.

What strikes me as charming, if not a bit odd, is that you two have been naked together but not had sex. That is not typical gay men's behavior. Most of us would have had sex upon initial encounter, then let the rest unfold. I've had a lot of little crushes and such that start out with a buildup, but when I'm naked with a man, someone is gonna shoot a load. If not, I'll loose interest or assume their is no chemistry. Shallow aren't I. lol.

It sounds though like you do have an intense mutual attraction. Maybe he is going slow because he is poz and he realizes it is something you have to be fully aware of and accept. Don't forget that poz guys are in fear of rejection. Most guys on this site don't sound like it, but it is true. We want to be honest and upfront with whoever we meet and we want to be accepted for who we are. I'm not talking about anonymous hookups, gloryhole or backroom fucking, I'm talking about a situation like your where you establish a rapport, knowing it could lead to more.

I just had a similar discussion in the last 24 hours with a 21 kid who emailed me from my xtube profile. He is just a kid and he is into Daddys and he thinks I am the one for him. It is very flattering and sweet, but as the dialoque has continued I told him I want to be the first one to fuck him so bad, but that I am poz, undetectable and on meds and I couldn't go any further with him without him knowing. His response was good and I didn't have to feel that rejection of him saying "thanks, but no thanks". He said he didn't want to go all the way yet, he wants to make out, feel each others bodies, and give massages. I thought that was cute, but I know that if I am naked with him, I won't stop at a massage. Maybe he needs me to take him where he's afraid to let himself go. He wants to go. We will see.

If he is undetectable and stays up on his meds, his bloodwork, and doctors appts, you should be ok. Very low risk of him exposing you. So, you do want it. You need to have it. It could be an incredible sexual experience, maybe more. But don't forget what slipped in, that you want to be a Pig too. As a cum hungry fuck hole, you shouldn't mislead him into thinking you can be his, when you know you can't. Share that with him though cause you just might find that he is your perfect guy who fantasizes about taking you out, or having a bunch of guys over and offering them your hole. Then you will have it all. Unless he's broke or an alchoholic.

My bottom line for you is this. 1. You are a cum whore. You will never outgrow that. You are made that way. Do not judge yourself over that . It is perfectly natural. Your higher power made you exactly the way you need to be because he made men like him. Tops. Men who need to breed a warm wet hole. We go together and it part of a beautiful life. A life spent in pursuit of your ultimate purpose must include your ultimate sexual purpose: you must be bred, regularly. Enjoy this delicious top and give of your inner flesh as he requires, but don't give him the right to take away who you are. Guys in your position who play this right end up with relationships that are exciting, satisfying for both, and for the random partners the two of you will involve but it won't lead to a boring life. I wish I was near, I woudl fuck you raw after your dates with him just so you can savor that exquisite feeling of his semen swimming inside you, elating you emotionally, but it would be my cum substituting. Yes, I get you and if you accept yourself at this deep level, then you are in for a very rewarding life. So, your next move is to bed that stud and tell us all the details. and include the details of the way it made you feel to have his cum inside you. It's amazing. Almost a delicate high. It also affirms that you were indeed made this way as part of sceam of things and it is as it should be. Acceptance of who we are takes us a long way towards finding our happiness. Here's to finding it! Damn I think mine got longer than yours. lol you inspired me, and you have a rocking hot profile picture.

[Guest GoodExercise]

Resistance is futile. You need to be used. You need to be a cumwhore. You will be used. You will be a cumwhore.

[btm2bbred]

This thread is great because it shows the wide difference of opinion the members have about giving in to your desire to be a cum whore. Interesting that 2 of the 3 guys who are actually Poz are the most cautious, and urging glassesboi to go slow, and to realize that getting pozzed is a life long and life changing situation for someone who is 25. They also warn of the emotional and financial consequences of being Poz. I think I would give more credence to their advice since they have been there, and done that, and ended up Poz. They are warning you that getting pozzed is an irrevocable step.....so think it through.

The 3rd Poz guy has more or less told you that you are never going to stop being a cum whore, so you may as well give in, and enjoy the lifelong ride. And, he is right, too. Although, again you need to think it through. Actions do have consequences. (Since I'm 30 years older than glassesboi, I would probably take Tiger's advice more to heart. At this point in my life something else (heart disease, cancer, etc.) is more likely to kill me in the next 20-25 years than HIV.)

The 3 Don't Ask, Don't Tell guys are much less cautionary, with one guy just declaring it is futile to fight your addiction to cum. Just give in, get used, and be a cumwhore. The other two DA, DT guys are also urging you to think it through, evaluate your life and social structure, etc. before taking the big step of raw sex.

JUst make sure that whatever decision you come to, it is a decision that you can live with for the rest of your life. Abstinence or cumwhore or something in between? Life is complicated. Whatever you decide is the right decision for you, though.

[Guest bbosouno]

Btm2bbred thanks for being respectful of our opinions. We have the power of decision after all is said and done

[glassesboi]

i have to say, i was not expecting this response. you guys have seriously given me a really good push, thanks.

we talked earlier tonight, he brought up the subject of bareback sex and said he'd keep a condom on regardless. a lot of thinking and i do know what i want and how i'm gonna deal with this. i'm just excited to see him again, there's a connection there and a condom won't ruin it, i just have to keep control of that heavy lust.

thanks again, guys, especially TigerMiller, enjoyed reading your posts. I enjoyed reading everyone's answer so thank you.

another piece of advice that works well--after you cum, and the rush of horniness is gone, what are you feeling, thinking? are you glad you didn't do what you were fantasizing about? or do you--not just a part of you--all of you--still want to do what you fantasized about doing?

it's mixed, i mean, right afterwards i'm glad i didn't turn the fantasy into a reality, but the fantasy is still there ringing, but eventually that ringing will get pretty loud and i'll have to do something about it again. it can be pretty powerful.

[btm2bbred]

Glassesboi, I'm glad you are considering the broad spectrum of opinion expressed here. You need to do your own risk/reward analysis. I'm glad that you "know what i want, and how i'm gonna deal with this".

Whatever you decide, it is what you want, and you will be at peace with yourself. "Vita brevis" -- Life is short. You need to live it to the fullest.

[glassesboi]

holy shit sex with this guy is incredible.

we were going to go out for dinner/movie and then just hang out, he even said sex wasn't on his mind but i pretty much took it there once the night was over and we got to his place.

and wow, he takes total charge. don't think my ex dominated me like that ever. although i do think he had a plan for sex since he seemed pretty prepared, condoms and all. we ended up not sleeping at all, napped inbetween and some more crazy fucking followed. stayed in bed for a whole day and still at his place after sunday, i finally met someone with my stamina. i got home a few hours ago and we can't stop talking. i do feel like he's kinda fearful though, i pretty much laid everything out for him and he did the same, what lines not to cross and some rules. not only is he a total knockout, he's got a pretty fat heart. this might turn into a relationship since we're both looking and if not, sex is always there. life is good.

i don't know what i'm getting myself into, but i feel like something's right and i have a pretty leveled head. i've never dated someone who's poz so if anyone here has, i'd love to hear about it. still gushing here, total corn status with the smile on my face as i type this. good stuff, even though i'm super sore. with all the lube we used i still bled a bit, i'm sure it'll get easier in time. the whole being celibate thing for months kept me pretty shut.

edit: whoa just realized this thread was stickied.

Edited February 5, 2013 by glassesboi