Dilemma

[Joe158]

So as the title suggests; I have a dilemma.

I'm in my early 20's and neg and my (now ex) partner is poz. I've always known I've had a very dirty side, but have always been too scared to let that side out. But he was the first person I felt comfortable enough to do it. I guess he awoke something in me for a lot more than I had realised. BDSM/Master and Slave/pain and even more filthiness than I thought I wanted. He made me feel comfortable enough to try some drugs and drink more (as my friends attempts at peer pressure never worked) and many other things that I am thankful for and not just in the bedroom.

But as you can probably tell, we broke up. Amicably, but I still am in love with him and am feeling pretty bad about it all. I've seen him a few times and although I feel we can become really good friends eventually... at the moment; it sucks.

So going from high sex drive to no sex drive in the length of one conversation, I begin to start asking myself. Do I still want to do this? Admittedly I need to get tested a bit down the line to see if I'm still neg (which I believe I am as he and the majority of guys we played with were undetectable... and I have had no flu-like symptoms since), and if that were to come back poz I'd probably continue being a filthy fucker.

But right now, I'm stuck. I'm at a bit of a cross roads where I don't really know what I want in my life anymore. I only ever did drugs with him, but am now questioning that. Do I still want to do it? I think a lot of this is that he was my stable base to try things, and either way (liking or not) I could always come back and there would be no pressures or bad feelings.

Barebacking. That's the main thing I'm trying to deal with. As with most men, I love the way it feels. But now I'm no longer with him, I don't know if it's what I want. I have to point this out; I'm NOT a bugchaser. I don't want to be positive. Back then I knew the risks (and staying with undetectable guys meant it was pretty darn low chance!) and I came to accept that in doing it there was always that chance. And I was prepared for that. But now I'm not with him everything in my head has changed. I guess knowing I had him made me not worry so much about it all and allowed me the freedom to be a filthy pig. I don't want to put all this on him... it's just what I'm thinking right now.

But now I don't have him I'm plagued with doubts. I've tried going back to safe sex and it was a horrible experience. Equally I've barebacked since and it wasn't a good experience either. They left, and I felt even more confused about it all than before. I guess I sort of feel stuck. I can't seem to decide one way or the other, I can't seem to stop thinking about it.

I've tried talking with him about it, and he was there for me and listened. But my most recent conversation he was a little drunk it would seem and he said it felt like I KNEW what I wanted to do, but I wanted him to validate my actions. But I've been thinking about it and don't see it that way at all. If I knew what I wanted to do that would be that and I've be off doing it. and this dilemma wouldn't exist.

I know it's a bit biased asking for advice on this from this sort of site, but equally asking for advice elsewhere would get a "stay safe always" response. I feel that this community would be more open to give me their thoughts and opinions.

Thanks for reading this essay, I always find it makes things better to talk about your troubles. So what do you all think?

[cumlatrine]

Stay neg. The rest is the rest. Don't forget what they say in French: "Plaisir d'amour ne dure qu'un instant, chagrin d'amour dure toute la vie." "Love only an instant, STD is for all life".

[einathens]

dude, you're in your early 20s. no one expects you to be fully formed. cut yourself some slack.

picture the life you have now as a ten-rung ladder. if the bottom rung is the worst things could get and the top rung is the best life you could be currently living, where are you? and how do you move up from there?

you don't have your life all figured out just yet, but you should be making plans and setting goals. i would caution against picturing your ex as your future; that almost never works out.

i'd also say that if you need drugs and alcohol to let loose and engage in piggish behavior, you're not ready to be a real pig. and that's okay. my own bias is that life is ultimately better with a clear head.

you absolutely can be a barebacker without being a bugchaser. please start getting tested regularly, for peace of mind if nothing else.

continue trying new things, discarding what doesn't work for you and keeping what does. growth and experimentation are what being in your 20s is all about. enjoy it, and don't put so much pressure on yourself to figure everything out instantly. there are guys much older than you who still don't know what they're doing. relax, and let go bit by bit, when and if you're ready.

and don't let anybody coerce you into anything you're not ready for.

[Joe158]

Hey cumlatrine, I definitely do want to stay neg, that's not in question here.

@einathens, I know I should cut myself some slack. But at the moment I can't. I've always been a bit more mature than most people my own age (which is usually why I go for older guys), but right now I just feel frustrated and stuck.

My ex is definitely not my future in a relationship sense. I do still love him, and it's hard seeing him sometimes. But I know I wouldn't want to go back to him. It wouldn't be the same. I'm merely saying that I know he'll be a good friend eventually. We click on a lot of levels, and as with all my previous exes I will hopefully stay friends with him. He's really the first person I've felt completely comfortable around and like I could be myself (instead of always holding bits of me back).

As for alcohol and drugs, I don't need them I know. I didn't really start drinking til late last year as I've never found drinks that I've liked. Even now I've found a few I still don't drink that much. Same with drugs. I don't really get much from them. Apart from the ability to stay awake all night. But even then I hardly ever do them. So that's not an issue for me. I let loose and be a piggy without them.

I think a lot of this is still just getting over him. Feeling down and alone and questioning everything. But these things I feel need to be sorted out.

I think as far as drugs are concerned they're definitely not my scene. I mean something "light" every now and again I think would be ok. But I don't see myself as doing anything hardcore. So I guess that's that one sorted.

and I've been getting tested every 4-6 months since I was 17 ;-)... I'm a bit odd in that I'm actually responsible for a 23yr old ;-)

I suppose it just comes down to my personality. I always like having things sorted and planned out. Not massively planned... but a general outline. Sex has always been important to me as I'm a very sexual person... and with my sex drive basically non-existent it's kind of making me feel down. And trying to figure out the whole "what I want" situation is making me feel worse.

But I like your advice... I've tried a fair amount... and want to try lots more. But I guess I feel a bit untrusting of others. With my ex, I trusted him completely in a way that's never happened before. I guess I'm trying to find someone who I can regain that trust with (and I don't mean in a relationship kinda way).

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Joe, you've let the genie out of the BB bottle, and you have a pretty sound direction. I can't see why you would not continue the path you're on in that regard. As best you can, go for the poz undet guys. Most "neg" really don't test often like you (and me) do. It's clear you found condom sex bad - and there really isn't much reason you should return to that.

Probably the other thing you can do is that WHEN you bottom, use a good amount of lube to avoid tearing up your hole as much as possible.

Many right after a breakup just take some time off. You might consider a six month hiatus from any relations (dating, sex, anything more than going out for coffee). Take some time to clear your head - and emotionally break from your ex so that you can approach anything new with a clear head.

Do you have a continuing education cert you've been putting off? Or a project around the house you put on the back burner while you were in your last relationship? Maybe consider a trip alone to someplace you've wanted to go, but have been waiting for the right guy to do it with? What I'm driving at is some complete change of venue (so to speak) so that when you restart sex for play, and sex with love, you're starting from a new framework....

[einathens]

two questions for you:

have you been screened for depression?

are you a capricorn?

[slowfuck]

I would echo what Einathens said about letting things ride until you know what YOU want to do - the only person giving you any pressure on this is you, so give it time - your life as you knew it has been literally upset so its natural to be disorientated for a while.

Perhaps try to be open and honest with possible sexual partners and start to build trust with those who are earning it by being open and honest back, then you can build a group of fuck buddies who can bring different things for when you feel in the mood. If guys disappear when you try to engage in dialogue then they wouldn't be right for you anyway, those who do engage will be worth exploring the future directions your life could go and when something feels right then go for it.

Fixed expectations are the ones that give you grief when they don't play out as you hope. Being happy in your self and a flexible outlook helps a lot.

My thoughts anyway!

Best wishes.

[Joe158]

Hey JizzdumpWI,

Thanks for the reply. I admit that I want to bareback, it's been a fantasy from a young age and doing it in the last few months has been a lot of fun. But at the same time I'm scared and don't want to. It's really frustrating. I feel like screaming at myself to make up my mind already. I feel I know what I want... but there's just a big wall in the way that I can't seem to break down. But then I wonder if it is what I truely want. Surely if I did want to do it it shouldn't be this hard?

And I do agree with you... I don't really trust someone (especially on here or BBRT or other sites where BB sex comes up) when they say they're neg but like to go bareback with people. I know equally someone could say that of me, but I feel that undetectable guys know their status and VL as they get tested frequently, whereas guys that say they're neg may not know (or may be untruthful)... and yes I'm aware that I could be the same... thinking I'm negative but not know for sure.

I know that most people take time off... but I'm not really that type of person. I want to get back into my sex life again and start enjoying it. Exploring and having fun and meeting new people. I don't really consider myself a slut, as I much prefer to meet a guy (or two) on a regular basis rather than 100s of complete strangers. I know it will take time for my head to clear and for me to be ready to date again... but I'm impatient. I want that feeling of closeness back, of being wanted.

I'm actually moving to London in 2 weeks time. I was offered a really good job (and naturally, everything was sorted weeks ago, as in accommodation and finance planning and what not). I needed a fresh start as my "friends" that I had weren't being the best of friends. I felt lonely, excluded and nobody really contacted me to ask me out places... or when they did I was always last on the list and usually forgotten. Meeting my ex gave me a direction to go and so I looked for jobs in the big city. Now that we've broken up I still plan on moving. I think it will be good to me to have a fresh start in a new place. My new flatmates are lovely and I get on well with them. I notice that I'm usually much happier when I'm there sorting flat stuff than when I come home. I feel a lot less lonely when I stay with them. So it will be a bit better in a couple of weeks I think.

It's nice to see that people are out there to have intelligent conversations with, thanks guys :-)

[Joe158]

@einathens, I haven't been screened for depression though it's my opinion we are all on a scale for it. Some people get low at times, some people get low a lot.

And I don't believe in all that (though I'm an Aquarius ;-))

@slowfuck, thanks for the great advice. I know I'm the one putting the pressure on. I've always been hard on myself. I just feel i'm smart enough to figure this all out. Impatience again ;-)

I like the advice about being honest with sexual partners... but it seems so hard to find these people. Most guys go from "Hi" to "lets fuck" in a matter of minutes (or less). The nice ones who want to have a conversation and really make a connection (which I think makes for much better sex anyway) seem few and far between.

I think that's another reason why I'm so down from the break-up. He got me. He new my limits and how to push them and was understanding and trustworthy. I haven't generally seen that in guys before, especially in the areas of kinkyness that I like. I guess I just want to find someone who acted in the same way and was generally a nice person (even when doing things that outsiders may think weren't what a nice person would do).

[bbsex6]

What does being a Capricorn have to do with this situation? I only ask because I'm a Capricorn myself.

[einathens]

@ bbsex6: the mature for your age stuff, the paralyzation when choice is necessary, the impatience, the instantly wanting to have everything figured out, sorted and in place, the not liking change....

i'm a double cap.

[TigerMilner]

Joe, you sound a lot like I did at 23. I hope I don't sound jaded but i have had 3 significant love relationships in my life and all three ended badly, tragically even. Sometimes I wonder if I have taken to anonymous sex with strangers and a group of fuck buddies in order to protect myself from that heartbreak again. But life after 40 has some awakenings that are very iiberating and allow me to be who I am and to be ok with it.

Most important thing at 23 is to have goals above relationship goals. Always be working on yourself. Always be going for something that makes you feel satisfied with yourself. Ultimately, yourself is all you can count on. You are stuck with yourself. So make the most of that. At 23 I had a 2 year degree in Graphic Design that I put to good use, but having higher goals in mind I kept plugging away at school, sometimes taking only one class at the time. It took me a total of 25 years of school but I now have a terminal degree (Master of Fine Arts in Media Design) and I have a career I love and a reputation I am proud of. I am way more than a fuck hole, though sometimes that is all I want to be. And when I am, I go all out. Just like I do in every aspect of my life.

Of course you love to fuck raw. It is how we were meant to fuck. Like you, I mostly always barebacked, and was never a bug chaser. My comments on that would be to tell you to enjoy your self, get what you can, and hope for the best. If you test positive eventually, deal with that when it happens. Don't let that fear take that away from you. I don't advocate bug chasing, but I do readily admit that I would do it all again. It was worth it and I just hope for the best. You have a healthy and smart attitude about choosing undetectable guys. I think that is the "new" safer sex.

Moving to London is a great plan. Lots of opportunity there as well as other forms of culture. Best of luck.

Edited February 16, 2013 by TigerMilner

[evilqueerpig]

It sounds to me like what you need is a stable, but not necessarily monogamous relationship. When you say that you tend to bareback with men who are undetectable, not all men are honest about their status and there are also many POZ men who haven't been tested. Ultimately, the decision is yours to make, but you have a good support group here, all with our own views.

[Joe158]

Thanks so much everyone... it's nice to see all these different points of views and opinions. I'm still thinking about everything and haven't made up my mind 100% on the issue.

I've decided so far to wait til after my move, when my head might be a bit clearer about my ex. I should be a lot happier once moved so I can sort it out then.

I'm still interested in hearing what people think... and also making some new friends in South London :-)

[sentry75]

Pozzing is irreversible so if in doubt,be conservative and play safe for now.You can always change your mind for later.

It sounds as though you are mainly interested in a relationship (although maybe one with some extras on the side) which could be an advantage. I get off on anonymous sex soit is much harder to succumb to BB and feel even slightly "safe". With your move to London you should have an opprtunity to meet lots of new people. Maybe you will find one who is neg or on meds and undetectable and settle into a relationship where you feel comfortable barebacking. But until then I would play safe.

I know it isn't as hot. I know it isn't as comfortable. I would love to not experience condom burn and get my ass filled and clean dicks with nasty ass to mouth abandon, but I am playing at the baths with a lot of guys who are poz and I cannot afford to poz. But I have no interest in settling down. I want a stream of strange cock. So I have to play safe.

Sounds like you may have an opportunity for a different kind of compromise. Until then keep your options open.