Barebacked a little today, nervous about it

[Internal Blast]

I met a guy at a party about 3 months ago and didn't speak to him but made out with him. We were at a party of mutual friends. I found him on Facebook and sent him a friend request and he accepted and then I found out he has a live in boyfriend. I have been resisting hooking up with him because he does have a boyfriend but finally gave in today because I am very attracted to him. I went to his house, the boyfriend is out of town. We got naked and eventually he flipped me over and used his spit to lube up his dick and penetrated me. I wanted him to do it, I just try not to bareback. When he was going to ejaculate he asked if he should pull out and I said yes and he ejaculated on me. He says he is HIV negative and says he has no other STDs Do you think that was safer for him to pull out? I don't think I should see him again but I find him to be so hot. I don't know if he will want to use a condom? He has been with his boyfriend for 17 years so my big head thinks I should just not go back but my little head wants him to ejaculate deep inside me.

[PhoenixGeoff]

When he was going to ejaculate he asked if he should pull out and I said yes and he ejaculated on me. He says he is HIV negative and says he has no other STDs Do you think that was safer for him to pull out?

Was it safer for him to pull out? Sure, a little bit. But not as much as people think. The simple act of fucking you likely caused minor damage to your rectum that could allow HIV to be transmitted. And if he is positive, there would be virus in his precum as well as his load.

Saying he's HIV- is meaningless. When was he last tested? Last month? Last year? Ever? Hell, maybe he's one of those (very small number) of guys who lie about their status. You don't really know him after all.

He has been with his boyfriend for 17 years so my big head thinks I should just not go back but my little head wants him to ejaculate deep inside me.

If he's barebacking with you behind his partner's back, I'll lay dollars to donuts he's done this with other guys too. So the fact that he's been with his partner for so long is pretty meaningless too. If he's a total top, and if he doesn't do this sort of thing often (two things you can't really know for sure), then his risk and therefore yours will be somewhat lower.

If you want a repeat (and before you go for that, consider the drama you might be letting yourself in for if his partner finds out), you could absolutely talk to him about condoms. Maybe he'll go for it. Maybe he'll insist on barebacking (I would, if only because I can't keep it up with a rubber on). But it's a good idea to have that conversation. And do it in advance when you're setting it up, not when you're already naked with your legs in the air.

Regardless, it sounds like you're strongly tempting to bareback in the context of random hookups (very hot btw! I definitely go for that sort of thing myself). That means you need to be getting an HIV and STD test on a regular basis. You probably don't need to go to your doctor for that if you're embarrassed about it; most cities have anonymous and/or confidential (there's a difference!) testing, often for free, available in clinics usually run by the local HIV organization.

If you're pretty sexually active, even if you mostly use condoms, I'd suggest getting tested every three or four months.

[Internal Blast]

Thanks MascMountainMan, great advice.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

Internal Blast, talk to your local STD clinic, or find a nearby Infection Disease doc and explore going on PrEP (pre exposure prophylaxis). You'll still have to test for STI's other than HIV; but that is a good practice anyway. That at least protects you and anyone you might fuck from HIV.

To the question, at least I think it was an implicit question, about fucking a guy in a 17 year relationship... It is HIS decision. Not all gay relationships have a monogamy requirement or even intention. If he invites it and you're willing, go for it.

[Internal Blast]

JizzDumpWI,

I do agree with you that it is his decision about his 17 year relationship. My logic says that I should stop hooking up with men in long term relationships because it is such a dead end and I am subject to their usually unpredictable schedules.

Thanks for the input.

[Bottom Jim]

If you bareback there is no such thing as pulling out that will make it all safe. There is precum which will go into your ass and you may not even know it at all. If you have any doubts simple do not bareback

[Internal Blast]

That is true Bottom Jim.

[PhoenixGeoff]

To the question, at least I think it was an implicit question, about fucking a guy in a 17 year relationship... It is HIS decision. Not all gay relationships have a monogamy requirement or even intention. If he invites it and you're willing, go for it.

That's a rational way of looking at it.

Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, especially when they hit the rocks, rationality rarely enters the equation.

From the information we have been given, I'd say there's a strong possibility that this guy is fucking around behind his partner's back. Otherwise, why wait until he's out of town?

So how would the partner react if he found out that not only was this guy fucking around behind his back but also fucking around with strangers without a condom? No doubt there'd be a huge blowup between the two of them. But it's entirely possible, even likely that he'd be angry enough at the OP (the "homewrecker" in this little psychodrama) to cause problems for him too.

There are tons of single guys out there. There are tons of guys in truly open relationships (hell, have a three-way with a couple). There are tons of opportunities for truly anonymous hookups where your name will never get back to the other half should he find out what's going on (arcades and baths spring immediately to mind). But this is a bad idea.

All that needs to happen is for your trick to forget to delete his browsing history or leave his phone on the table and suddenly you're the evil homewrecking bitch. Why risk that when there are so many other opportunities for sex?

[rawTOP]

My bf and I have been together for 15 1/2 years. Having talked to a lot of other long-term gay couples almost none of them are monogamous after about the 7 to 10 year mark. For all practical purposes all long-term gay relationships are "open relationships". In fact I would say guys who demand monogamy simply don't have long-term relationships. Period.

So assume that he's hooking up with a variety of guys on a regular basis. Also assume that he wasn't cheating on his boyfriend. There's probably a 50/50 chance the boyfriend knows he fucked you (and is OK with it).

"Married" gay guys are great if you want a no-strings-attached fuck. But if they've been together for 17 years don't kid yourself by thinking he'll leave the guy for you - almost never happens. So not a good place to look if you're looking for a boyfriend, but great if you just want sex and don't mind working around his schedule ('cause his boyfriend will come first most of the time).

And pulling out is lower risk, but it's FAR from low risk.

[Guest JizzDumpWI]

That's a rational way of looking at it.

Unfortunately, when it comes to relationships, especially when they hit the rocks, rationality rarely enters the equation.

From the information we have been given, I'd say there's a strong possibility that this guy is fucking around behind his partner's back. Otherwise, why wait until he's out of town?

So how would the partner react if he found out that not only was this guy fucking around behind his back but also fucking around with strangers without a condom? No doubt there'd be a huge blowup between the two of them. But it's entirely possible, even likely that he'd be angry enough at the OP (the "homewrecker" in this little psychodrama) to cause problems for him too.

There are tons of single guys out there. There are tons of guys in truly open relationships (hell, have a three-way with a couple). There are tons of opportunities for truly anonymous hookups where your name will never get back to the other half should he find out what's going on (arcades and baths spring immediately to mind). But this is a bad idea.

All that needs to happen is for your trick to forget to delete his browsing history or leave his phone on the table and suddenly you're the evil homewrecking bitch. Why risk that when there are so many other opportunities for sex?

All valid points and possibilities. And yet; sometimes those of us in rural America don't get too many chances; and if a fellow nearby is willing... If I'm not going to be the homewrecking bitch, someone else is going to be. It seems clear that "mr17yearrelationship" is looking for sex on the side.

Having been on the receiving end of monogamous partner fucking around (hell, my ex not only fucked around, he developed full fledged relationships in multiple cities!), I do understand that the other relationship half will typically be angry at the guy his sweetheart fucked with; rather than with the sweetheart himself. Then too, I know how to respond to that should it ever happen. The hard reality IF the guys partner doesn't already know; is that his partner clearly made his decision. They need to talk if they haven't. That has been the substance of my email replies to the "other half" that sends me attack mail for fucking with his partner...

[PhoenixGeoff]

All valid points and possibilities. And yet; sometimes those of us in rural America don't get too many chances; and if a fellow nearby is willing... If I'm not going to be the homewrecking bitch, someone else is going to be. It seems clear that "mr17yearrelationship" is looking for sex on the side.

I totally get where you're coming from. Hell, on the road, I took full advantage of guys in precisely that situation (just as they took advantage of me, of course).

One thing I've observed is that the soap opera antics only become more intense the smaller the community becomes. If I lived somewhere where I knew absolutely all of the gay guys in the county and they all knew me, I'd be more inclined to tread carefully around guys supposedly in monogamous relationships, not less. Because if those half dozen guys decide that you're the bitch who broke up the 17 year relationship, then you're faced with the prospect of living in a conservative part of the country without even the support of friends in the same situation.

If you have some reason why you have to live in a more rural area (say to look after an ailing parent or something), then hopefully you can do what I used to do when I was in the Army and jump in the car for a weekend in a nearby city a couple times a month and fuck your brains out there. But if you're wise, you won't shit where you live.

My bf and I have been together for 15 1/2 years. Having talked to a lot of other long-term gay couples almost none of them are monogamous after about the 7 to 10 year mark. For all practical purposes all long-term gay relationships are "open relationships". In fact I would say guys who demand monogamy simply don't have long-term relationships. Period.

So assume that he's hooking up with a variety of guys on a regular basis. Also assume that he wasn't cheating on his boyfriend. There's probably a 50/50 chance the boyfriend knows he fucked you (and is OK with it).

My policy with guys in relationships is that I take them at their word. So if he says it's an open relationship, that's generally good enough for me. But use a little common sense. Does he have profiles up online showing his face and his relationship status? Or is he one of those guys with no pics, no identifying information, and whenever we wants to get together you're always having to skulk around? That might be a clue that he's lying to his partner. And while I'm a huge believer in open relationships (hell, in my ideal little fantasy world, all men would pretty much randomly fuck around with each other whenever they got horny), I also believe that a big part of making them work is honesty between the partners and respect for limits mutually agreed to.

The biggest reason I have for this is the HIV issue. If I hook up with a single guy who's negative (and to whom I've disclosed my status) and he wants me to breed him, he's making a choice for himself. That's fine. Now, if he's in an open relationship and his partner knows he's taking loads from guys like me, then that's fine too. Both of them know the risks and have accepted them.

But where I draw the line is if one person is sneaking around behind his partner's back and letting guys like me fuck him, and then going home and having unprotected sex with an unsuspecting partner, that's just wrong. And I've refused to hook up with guys who I knew were pulling that kind of shit. It's a same reason I have a major problem with barebacking with married guys who aren't out as bi to their wives.

None of us gets to go through life doing whatever we want without consequences and responsibility for our behavior. One of the hardest lessons for me to learn is that just because I look at sex as something that's fun but pretty much meaningless doesn't mean that everyone else does. I can hurt other people emotionally with my behavior, and that's something I should try to avoid. Likewise, just because I have HIV so I feel entirely free when it comes to my own health to bareback doesn't mean that I have the right to take away someone else's right to make a different decision, which is why I'm so open about my status. Having HIV imposes a responsibility on me to help look after people who don't have it and don't want it.

Being so self-absorbed as to be willing to endanger the health of others (or facilitating those who do that sort of thing, which is what barebacking with "cheaters" in monogamous relationships is) just for the sake of a single fuck is just plain morally wrong. Just because I'm a pig doesn't mean I don't give a fuck about the people around me.

[Guest BBBoyfromTN]

Pulling out to cum is less risking than cumming inside but it doesn't eliminate risk. He says he's neg but do you really know? Answer: no. Maybe he's bottoming bare for other guys. Do you know your own status. We tell others what we believe or perceive to be real but we don't really know. These are the lies we tell to comfort ourselves. He pulled a move I always use in the hopes the guy will let me cum in him after all, yet you told him to pull out,..probably smart! Guaranteed he's fucking around and it could be an open relationship as others pointed out. You never know unless you ask and be prepared for some sad stories. I'm hooking up with a hot 26 y/o Latino guy trapped in a pretty sad relationship. Our sex is hot and safe, but I also have to listen to how awful his relationship is and am powerless to change it other than to offer advise and a shoulder to cry on. And beware too as he may not be what he seems. I hooked up with another guy couple and was their plaything...as a three way it was always safe, but soon enough, both messaged me seperately and wanted one on one and wanted it bare. And I knew if they were doing it bare with me there were others too. This doesn't sound like it will end well...proceed with caution!